Not Maybe, But Definitely

Daily Prompt = Maybe

The world has gone on long enough

Treating the mentally ill awful and rough.

From mocking our symptoms

To dismissing us as self-proclaimed victims.

We huddle in our corners

Isolated and grieving like mourners.

Cut off from the world

Our damaged souls frayed and furled.

We want to come out

And shout all about

“Look at me! Look at me!

I exist, don’t you see?”

Why do you choose

To turn your back on us like we are an unlit fuse?

“Can’t you see? Can’t you see?

All that you are doing to me?”

Your eyes are glued to the skies

The clouds not parting, muffling our cries.

“How can’t you hear me? How do you not care?”

“No!” You snap back. “I do care–I just cannot bear–“

“Bear what?” We reply. “This is our burden to carry.”

“Maybe,” you mutter, “but it is too often scary.”

“It is scary because you do not understand!

The light that scatters through us, falling like sand!”

“And how am I to know,

If you are strong enough or to fall like snow?”

“Because we are mighty and strong!

We sing our beautiful survivor song!”

“A song you sing? What is this you speak of?”

“Listen well, and you will see our love–

We sing of courage, of strength and light,

We sing long into the prowess of night!

We are human and we feel

That our experiences are very real.

We may cry, we may linger

We may stumble along like a make believe figure.

But we are tough–in body and in mind

And we will stand no longer for you to be unkind.

We demand our powerhouse to be seen.

Our voices linger and they are not keen

On being silenced and hidden for any longer

Maybe this is something you should ponder

We are ill in mind

And while you may be blind,

It does not make us broken,

Rather allows us to be spoken–

That we are not alone

And that we shall be known

As gladiators. As warriors. As fighters.

Some of us may even be writers.

We are strangers no more,

Doctors, artists, professionals galore!

We have degrees,

This we shall decree!

We are just like you,

Similar, but with a different view.”

“I–I see,” you stammer “there is more of you than just one.”

“Why, but of course, my friend. Why ever would there be none?”

“I…still do not completely understand what it is you see

How you can live this life and just be.”

“It is through time

And much patience that we develop our climb

Yet it is worthwhile for us to find our hope,

To believe in a better tomorrow and positively cope.

Our journeys may be chaotic,

But to some of us, we smile and say ‘exotic’.

And with resiliency we manage to live,

With meaning and purpose we choose to give

To those in our community who still struggle

And for those of you who have yet to juggle

What it is like to be sick,

With no choice allowed to pick

What it is that inflicts us,

So thus,

We ask to be shown patience in kind,

For us to learn and find

What it means to be happy to be alive,

For we may always strive

To live a life worth living,

For you to be forgiving,

And for us to be proud,

That we’ve been allowed,

To bring life to another day

Where eventually we are okay.

A Post-Production Note

Life Update Thumb

Hi there,

This is a brief post brought to you by the post-production AKA Raquel in Editing Le Youtube Videos to say:

  • I is alive.
  • I haz been well (this week, a stagnant solid 7 out of 10 (10 being the most awesome))
  • I haz been a’making the Youtube videos (two uploaded last week, one in progress now and a few others that are sitting and collecting dust!)
  • I haz been a’doing the Twitter (although for 5 days I was disinterested/unmotivated, but I’m back on track now)
  • I haz been a LITTLE creative (not very much though, sadly)
  • I haz been a doing the YOGA (with my parental)
  • I haz been a’texting. Mostly. I kinda forget though, too. So many friends I haz, man, so many friends….
  • I hasn’t been on DA much. Sad. 😦
  • I have been on the Tube-u-lar very much. Recently watching/reading about the Shanda Sharer case, (murder served cold) which I may have some thoughts about. I also HAVE made like 2 blog posts but never finished them/never got to the drafting phase and am still unsure as to whether or not I will go back to fix them up. I apologize that it’s been so static silent on here for the last 3ish weeks.
  • I haven’t been drawing or coloring lately, grrr.
  • If we consider that mid-July 2017 into August was a great HABIT time for me, I’m still half of where I was before (i.e: Not planning/structuring myself, not doing art regularly, not making Youtube videos, not tweeting, not blog posting, not…you get the picture) So, still have some room to progress and get better, hopefully before and INTO the new year.
  • I haven’t been reading either. 😦 Or doing book reviews (like the pencil work for ’em)
  • I have found some new fanfic reviews, yay! But haven’t written not quite in a while (I wrote a future chapter on the 8th)

I think that’s all I can update ye all with for now. On a time crunch, but I got my other goal done today, to update all of ye! 🙂

❤ ❤ ❤

Hope Is Eternal | Article

By Raquel Lyons

Can you really not help someone who does not want to be helped? How true is this statement? Or, do we just say it to ourselves to absolve any guilt we may have over not being enough to save someone that we love?

 

Hand in hand to this is the concept that you have to help yourself first before you can help someone else.

 

I don’t believe it is necessarily an entire truth that you can’t help someone unless you’ve helped yourself. I think being placed in that kind of position gives you the ability to act and respond with compassion and mutual solidarity that other people may not have the luxury of having.

 

And, at the same time, to be away, at arm’s length of the situation gains you much more insight and ability to help someone than only being able to relate to someone as you are both knee deep in quicksand.

 

So, like most things in life, the answer is both yes and no. It’s a shade of gray often unaccounted for.

 

I believe that thinking someone can only help themselves is a dangerous concept at its worst.

 

I don’t believe it to mean we shouldn’t try to look out for others. They may not take to our aid or even our words of advice, and that is something within their very own right to do, and I don’t think it means we should never try.

 

Because sometimes at some point in time our words and our actions could become the critical point to which another person chooses recovery or chooses to fall more unsteadily down a particularly dark path.

 

We just never know when one or the other–or to complicate matters, both–will occur.

 

I’ve heard it said before that the same information could be presented at both Point A and Point B and that within those two points the information could be differently encoded.

 

Basically, I could tell you the story of X and at two separate moments you have built up a series of life experiences that will cause you to react differently to the information that is provided to you.

 

No one moment can ever be truly replicated. We are all unique, complex individuals who can never really experience the same exact event twice.

 

I will never fully appreciate the setting sun in exactly the way that you do simply because I am not you.

 

Although I may never experience your life in the same way that you do, we both experience this life in some of the same, similar ways.

 

And so, that means that in this moment of my handwriting this, in the moment of my typing these words, and also in the moment of you reading these words, we *are* united.

 

We are *not* alone.

 

The next time you feel that no one will understand the darkness within your soul that you struggle to convey, think only of this word: empathy.

 

Empathy allows us humans to feel with each other, to imagine such horrors and to be understanding of them even when we have not undergone the tragedies ourselves.

 

Instead, we feel *with* you, and by feeling with you while being separate from you, gives us the perspective to aid you in ways you are unable to see right now.

 

Additionally, I think if we tell ourselves someone can only be helped when they themselves are ready, they don’t realize how *bad* mental illness can get.

 

I fear this is the same misguided logic behind the concept of having to hit rock bottom before you can get help.

 

Really, what is being said here in that statement is: “I’m not worthy of help,” “I don’t deserve help” and “my situation is not ‘that bad’”.

 

The problem with all of these negative thoughts is you or your loved ones may become so ingrained in denial that you are incapable of seeing how “bad” things have gotten.

 

And, by simply being human, for being someone who is struggling either publicly or privately, you inherently are someone who needs, deserves and is worthy of help.

 

Reaching out for help will always be a brave, courageous act; because you do not have to experience deep emotional pain as your last experience in this life.

 

Because it does get better, and it gets better as you put in the work and the effort for it to get better.

 

Pain is temporary. Our lives have guaranteed endings at an unknown period of time. We make the most of it, because without it, we’d be lost.

 

And you are no longer lost, but rather, you have been found.

 

Part of the inspiration for my writing this article came from Linkin Park’s song “One More Light” with the chorus: “If they say who cares if one more light goes out? In the sky of a million stars it flickers, flickers. Who cares when someone’s time runs out? If a moment is all we are. Who cares if one more light goes out? Well, I do.”


Legit crying over this song STILL.

I really want to pat my sleepy Mocha but I also wanted this sucker up tonight, too. I’d love to hear any of your feedback or thoughts on the matter or these issues!! 🙂

I made a heated Twitter thread today that is what inspired this article and then my reading “Before I Fall” realllllly kicked it up a few notches, adding in this song and BAM! We got this sucker out. I have a RAW version and an EDITED version, this is clearly the latter so that I could make it fit within an 850 word limit.

Any who, I will likely be adding a photograph to this piece in the future, maybe of which I will create tomorrow.

Thank you for reading and stumbling along!!

The title was difficult–got it inspired again in part from the novel! So many thoughts, gwah! Originally it was “Saving Someone from Themselves”

Written October 30.2017

PS You can be damn well sure I’m going to do another music mental health post with THIS song. ❤ I love it so much and also, RIP Chester Bennington. I’ve cried many times today, I’m thankful that your talent and marvelous voice have been captured in time by the art that you helped to produce. You were an amazing soul and even though I’m just a small voice in the crowd around you, I know that one voice has the power to inspire thousands of other voices and in that sense, we are never truly alone.

Please, if you are struggling tonight, or any night, call 1800 273 8255 if you’re in the US. You’re worthy of this life. Please, please be around to live it.

Okay, that’s enough outta me!

A Message Brought to You by Unit Z | Article

Articles THUMB

Abandonment: It has a salty taste to it because, at the time of writing this, my tears are running down the sides of my face. I write this article in my Timeless Tree journal I got from Barnes and Noble, as I am eating a small chocolate ice cream and the classic Lorna Doones of Unit Z.

 

I’ve been here for what is just becoming my fourth week. It has been four weeks of BS.

 

My social worker, whom I dutifully named DC for reasons I cannot go into here, has been working my case. Unfortunately for me, DC and the psychiatrist want to take me to court to get me court ordered to go to a state hospital.

 

Luck is on my side, however, because it is a long process to get into state hospitals. Also when people go to state hospitals they go for months and or years at a time.

 

I do *not* have time for that BS. I have a puppy at home that needs me. I have a family to go back to. I have friends to see and hang out with. I have articles to write, a blog to upkeep and a Twitter page to tweet out with. Not to mention I have a Youtube channel to provide videos and content for.

 

I have not stepped outside in a month. I have been stuck inside these four walls and a length of two hallways for a month with crappy hospital food and clock run medications.

 

I have made new friends, people I hope and envision staying in contact with when I do walk out of here.

 

And I do believe I *will* walk out of this hospital.

 

I *have* to believe in that.

 

Otherwise, there is no point in doing anything. There would be no point in living at all.

 

I have to believe there is more to life than ongoing hospitalizations. I have to believe that I am stronger than this situation. I have to believe that I am brave and that I am a survivor. I have to believe that this situation will only make me stronger.

 

I have to pull out of the fall 2017 semester. Which sucks, plainly put.

 

But, school will always be there.

 

Our trials and tribulations are time sensitive and temporary.

 

This moment of BS will not always exist. I have a choice in how I handle my downfalls.

 

And I am choosing to be strong. I am choosing to have faith. I am choosing to be better than I have been.

 

It will get better; gradually and one step at a time.

 

DC likes to tell me the cognitive distortion that I have no choices in my treatment and in my recovery.

 

I continue to reframe their distortions by affirming to them that I *always* have a choice.

 

I regret to report that I have not been the safest during this hospital stay. I spent a couple of nights alone in the Quiet Room. I’ve self-harmed in new, rather ingenious, ways. I have the scars to prove it and I’ve attempted to kill myself on more than one occasion.

 

To cope with this, they’ve changed my medications while I’ve been here and I’ve received six rounds of electroconvulsive therapy or ECT.

 

I carry around my stuffed animal dog, who has been renamed Ruby, like a child lost in the mall.

 

I am a child lost in this psychiatric unit. My security blanket has been snatched away and I’m left wondering how much of that my fault is.

 

My brain reminds me that I am a burden to those around me. It reminds me that I am a waste of space and that I can’t even kill myself properly.

 

I fear that I’ll die in here. I fear that I may not be strong enough.

 

But I have to put on a brave face. I can’t let them see how weak I feel. Because I *am* strong. And I am brave. And this situation is merely temporary.

 

I will survive this. I will get better. Sometimes it has to get worse before it gets better.

 

This is just a roadblock in my recovery journey. The real work begins outside of here.

 

I may not always want to live but I can still choose to take a deep breath, pause in my journey and begin again.

 

I don’t always wish to be here–both on the unit and in the world at all–but I’ve got to be strong.

 

I’ve got to be strong for you, for me, for all of us.

 

This is my confession: I still struggle, too.

 

And, I know I’m going to get through this.

 

I have to; because my story isn’t over yet.

 

And my legacy is just beginning.

 

“Be the change you want to see in the world.”

 

And recognize that you could be the shining beacon in someone else’s life.

 

Don’t deprive the world of your sparkle.

 

If no one has told you today: You matter. You are important. Without you, I’d be more lost than I would be found.

 

Shine brightly, and thank you for existing.

 


And now a small discussion piece:

I hope that you have enjoyed the production of this article and that it gives you some sense of faith, not alone-ness, pleasure, enjoyment and the strength that you DO have within your soul to face another day and PUNCH your mental illness IN THE FACE like a BOSS!

Today is the first day since I’ve been out of the hospital where I am feeling happy and inspired! My OWN words have inspired me as I had to read and re-read them over and over again to get from 1,034 words down to about 850 words! Also, I’ve been listening to good music such as “We Are Okay” by Joshua Radin and legit “The Climb” by Miley Cyrus because I seriously had that song stuck in my head throughout my hospitalization, no joke (I’ve also written an article about that which you’ll see later on).

I would also like to submit the full version of this article that actually was more of a journal entry sometime in the future, but not now and not today. You will see it though because I plan on typing and uploading all of my journal entries from when I was in the hospital to my blog and other locations (like deviantART).

PS DC stands for Douche Canoe. 😉 And I actually made them a bracelet, that I left behind on the hook in my room, that says “Douche”. 😀 It’s unlikely but I really REALLY hope they get it delivered to them!!

 

Thank you for reading!! And of course, for the amazing SUPPORT! You know who you are. ❤ ❤ ❤ This article was written 10.15.2017

 

To be free once more . . .

via Today’s Daily Prompt: Release

I am the wilderness, locked in a cage.

I am a tree reaching for the sun, please don’t hold me down.

I am a rolling wave without the motion.

I am an asphalt flower breaking free.

I am the fire burning desperately but you’re controlling me,

Release me.

Release me.


Legit, I thought of this song when I saw the word chosen for today’s daily prompt. It took me a few moments to remember who it was by and to find the right video, but I did it and I have about 8 minutes left to tell you about everything that’s been happening.

First, I’m only allowed 4 hours, at the moment, per day of Internet time. I know, scary, right? 😉

Second, I have a shit ton of journaling posts that I’ll be uploading over the course of the next month, likely, and then continuing each day from then on.

Third, I’ve been MIA because I’ve legit been in the hospital for an entire month.

You read that right.

An entire MONTH.

I got hospitalized for the tenth time on September 18th 2017 and I just got out today, October 20th 2017.

Mocha is officially a DOGGO. She’s so big now you guys! And tall!!

I’ve been keeping a journal, and writing articles (of course!) four actually that I will be working on uploading and submitting soon.

I got a change of meds and because of money will be changing them again.

I got ECT (six rounds of it).

I did some shit while I was inside. (Not good stuff).

I made lots of new things.

And overall, I’m a lot better than what and where I was before (most of which I can’t recall, anyways).

As you will come to see in my articles–I have been released from the confinements within my skull. The world is an exciting place for adventure and fun. I look forward to what tomorrow holds.

 

Stay safe, my dear, dear friends. ❤ ❤ ❤

 

PS I would put this into the mental health song a day challenge but I can’t actually remember what that pattern and scheme looked like. 😉

Crying for Help | Article

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Photography and article by Raquel Lyons

Trigger Warning: Explicit mention of suicide

 

You may have heard the term “cry for help” before or maybe that is your first time seeing it. The phrase means to essentially cry out vocally, face to face, or through written form, such as on social media or via paper left in a visible area that an individual is threatening to take their own life.

 

All threats of suicide should be taken seriously. Whether they are posted on the Internet or joked about in person, neither location should be treated any differently.

 

In many ways, this article goes hand in hand with my “Attention Seeking?” piece. We cannot tell when a threat of suicide is genuine versus disingenuous. That is not our call to make as civilians or bystanders, not as friends or family members either. We can gather information from the individual and deliver them to the hands of mental health and crisis intervention professionals who will run their own assessment of the individual’s unique situation and decide from there what appropriate action needs to be taken.

 

It may come as no surprise, from my previous article’s standpoint, that I often engage in cries for help myself. Twitter has become my newest place for doing so. If I am in crisis I am going to go to Twitter to voice my emotions, my thoughts and my behaviors. My WordPress blog is no longer a place I can do that at because my parents read through it. Instead, I’ve taken to another Internet location to make my cries heard…if they ever do get heard.

 

You see, the Internet, just as in real life moments before you follow through on your suicidality, is not the greatest place to cry out for help.

 

Yes, *maybe* someone will see the post, *maybe* someone will intervene, or maybe, just maybe, someone won’t.

 

And if they do not, that is in *no* way a reflection of their care for you, their love for you or the worthiness you sustain just by being you and being alive.

 

Maybe they haven’t seen the tweet yet, maybe they missed your Facebook post in their feed, maybe they’re not on their phone, or maybe they got caught up in some work related matter. That does *not* mean that they do not care about you or for you or that you matter any less to them.

 

Maybe the person walking by you in public doesn’t know what to do in that situation; maybe they’re so busy in their own minds that they don’t even realize a situation is taking place. Maybe that friend or that stranger is afraid to ask what you mean when you’re joking about suicide because they’re afraid it’s going to put an idea in your head (it doesn’t) or that they don’t feel comfortable having such an open and vulnerable conversation with you.

 

There are so many factors involved, you see, there is no one reason for a completed suicide or a suicide being threatened.

 

To me, crying for help means I want someone to intervene. I want someone to notice me. I want someone to care about me. I want someone to know that I’m not okay. I want someone to know where I’m at and how far I’m willing to go to show that I matter.

 

Crying for help to me means wanting someone to talk me out of suicide. Crying for help means someone calling my brain out on its BS and reminding me of the life I have yet to live, the things I have yet to accomplish and the happiness buckets I have yet to fill.

 

I struggle often with the confliction between wanting to stand on the edge and have it be public so as to heighten my chances of someone intervening, and to stand on the edge for no one to be around so that I lessen my chances of someone intervening. I want intervention and yet I want people to just walk away.

 

I threaten suicide, a lot. I cry for help, a lot. And I will also act on the suicidal thoughts. I do *not* believe that my suicide attempts were a cry for help. All of my suicide attempts, though misguided by far, were genuine. I thought they might kill me, if the universe “aligned” in a particular way. They didn’t, and here’s hoping they never do.

 

But I can’t say that I won’t try again, somewhere down the road. I can hold onto the hope that if no one else will be there for me, than I will be there for me. That I can and will advocate for myself, and get myself the help I both need and deserve. And if staying safe means hospitalization, so be it.

 

Please, stay safe.

 

And if you are struggling with suicidal ideation, know that you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1800 273 8255, the Counseling Center at Quinn 2nd floor past general medicine, and at their 24/7 crisis line at XX. You are worthy of this life, please keep fighting.


Written 9.16/2017

I don’t have much to say about this other than I’m going to be making my good news post soon and working today on other articles. 🙂

I’ll have a better life update (like a more proper one) soon, too.

Thank you for reading!! ❤ ❤ ❤

PS This may have a photo attached to it later, hence why I haven’t added the article thumb to this piece. Unless I come up with another one. Maybe I’ll do the thumb anyways. Ahaha.

Attention Seeking? | Article

Articles THUMB

Trigger Warning: Mention of suicide, self-harm.

When I think of attention nowadays, the first thought that pops into my mind is Charlie Puth singing “you just want attention” from his appropriately titled song “Attention.”

 

Attention is defined, by Google, as the notice of someone or something and the regarding of someone or something as interesting or important. Attention seeking, similarly, is described as intending to make people notice.

 

Now, we all seek attention in healthy ways in our lives: that Facebook post about your cute dog, saying hello to someone you pass in the hallway, and so on. Sometimes though, seeking attention can come at an unhealthy cost such as deviant behavior that endangers your life or the lives around you, vandalism and other such examples.

 

I don’t believe the problem of attention seeking is innately a problem on whether it’s “good” or “bad”, I think it just is what it is. And when it does become problematic, then that’s a time to reconsider how a person is handling their life’s situation and how they can redefine how they seek out attention.

 

Attention seeking is a particularly delicate and complicated subject matter in the realm of mental health. The misinformed general public, and even some people who struggle with mental health conditions, see attention seeking as “bad” and act dismissive towards another individual whom is engaging in such behavior.

 

For this, I disagree. If someone is self-harming for attention that is still as serious and concerning as someone who is self-harming as a way to cope in a maladaptive manner with their mood changes, just as one example. More people than not have ways to cope adaptively with their mood changes and do not resort to self-harming, so the idea that someone would engage in self-harm for attention is still out of the norm and concerning.

 

I also believe attention seeking gets a bad reputation because misinformed or ignorant people about the topic of mental health will insinuate attention seeking as an insult. Again, I do not believe attention seeking can be split up so dichotomously to either “all good” or “all bad” and I don’t think attention seeking is as simple as the general public likes to pinpoint it as. I think there are many avenues towards attention seeking and there may be some aspects of it often involved, even in the smallest increments, with a person’s behavior.

 

As someone very openly involved in mental health advocacy and lived experience with mental health conditions this viewpoint of mine on attention seeking behaviors may either come as a surprise or understandable. If it is a surprise, it won’t be for long, because there are times where I, in particular, engage in maladaptive behaviors in order to seek attention.

 

I would say that my attention seeking, when I *do* do it, accounts for only about two to five percent of my behavior. Although, it is ironic that I say that as though I have to justify my own attention seeking as though admitting to it is insulting or demeaning to others in case my experience reflects or does not reflect my genuine issues of harm and emotional pain. By this, I mean to say that attention seeking behaviors are often considered to be disingenuous from more genuine suicidal or self-harming intent. Again, this places attention seeking behavior into the category of “not serious” and more easily dismissed, which I disagree with.

 

I believe that my attention seeking inherently comes from the core belief that I do not want to die by suicide or harm myself. Back when the issue was simply Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, I was told that recovery is possible, that there is hope and that the crises, though incredibly painful, would not last forever. It is this hope and the help I got early on that has shaped how open I have become about my struggles and, in a way, how I seek some more adaptive attention such as writing these articles.

 

My therapist recently told me that I can receive attention for when I’m doing well, rather than just when I’m unwell. And, that’s very true. In fact, the attention I receive when I’m doing well, when people are recognizing my strengths, feels much better and much more satisfying than when I’m being noticed for the struggles that I’m facing.

 

Besides, my brain always offers the BS logic that feeling unwell is so “great” and “awesome” and “I enjoy it so much” but when it actually rolls around, it’s everything opposite. Some of what I covered here in this article actually contributes in part to the phrase crying out for help, which I will be discussing next. Until then, stay safe.


Written 9.8, 9.11, 9.16/2017.

Fast approaching newer articles to be submitted, which goes along with the good news I’ve still managed to refrain from telling you all about (I’ll correct that soon). This is one of the newer ones. I just finished up writing and editing it yesterday 🙂 I think it could be interesting to add to the discussion of mental health. :B

That’s about it! 🙂 Hope you get something out of it!

In Which I’m Falling Asleep

Hello all!

I have some AMAZING and AWESOME and BADASS news, but I am SO exhuasted that I can’t even spell or remember which past or passed to use in an email. So, I shall wait until tomorrow where hopefully I am better rested to explain my good news.

School is going swell, still a bit behind on schoolwork already but I have even more incentive now to stay ahead and on top of it.

Today turned into one of those amazing days where I just wanted to relive it over and over and never have it end. It didn’t start that way (I fell asleep at 1:30a and only got 5 hours of sleep as opposed to my usual 9 hours) but it turned into that.

I will update more tomorrow, just wanted to set this aside as a small update for now. 🙂

Hope you’re well and staying safe!!

Starting Anew

At least with a new semester.

I don’t feel as ready for it as I did back in the end of July. I wish by all mighty I could go back to how I was feeling then and how ready I felt to tackle the semester. ‘Cause now I’m just concerned and dreading it and not looking forward to getting easily overwhelmed.

My back is sore and tired and I’m ready for sleep for that if nothing else. No guarantees that I’ll actually fall asleep right away. My backpack is already HEAVY like rocks which sucks. Maybe I should reconsider getting a locker or something lol. I’m already feeling swamped with some responsibilities and I dread doing badly health wise and inevitably that trickling into school wise. I’m not even sure I’ll wake up tomorrow morning! :S Kinda hoping I have another nightmare as I did last night ’cause it woke me up at 5:34am.

At the same time I’d rather not have to deal with those repercussions. I’m hoping some artwork will hit me for tomorrow.

I did walk with my dad and Mocha today which was nice although I’m almost certain is accounting for my soreness.

I’ve been doing poorly at nighttime lately since Saturday evening. I called a crisis line on Sunday, two actually and that helped a lot. I called another again today and my mom had to remove all the knives from the area. You get the picture, there.

I hope tomorrow is kinder, better, nicer.

I will update as soon as I am able, once I’ve finished schoolwork.

Good night, peeps.

Stay safe. ❤ ❤ ❤

Letting Go Of Everything Holding You Back | Poem

*Trigger Warning* Mentions of suicide.

Letting Go Of Everything Holding You Back by Raquel Lyons

You can have all the gifts and love in the world,

And it still doesn’t stop the demons in your head

From coming out to play.

 

You enter the foyer of the home,

Arms crossed over your bare blue shirt,

And you look out into the blue sky,

Where the stars twinkle their hello’s and goodbye’s

Under the blanket of invisibility.

 

You stay there for a moment,

Idling,

As you consider your past experiences.

 

Tomorrow isn’t guaranteed they say,

The past is a memory,

The future can be planned for,

But this moment is all we have,

And tomorrow isn’t guaranteed.

 

You squawk at the notion,

How very fitting it would be.

 

You can’t plan for the future with the demons

Inside your mind,

And you can stop tomorrow from ever coming,

With the swish of your wrist and the angle

Of your brush.

 

You could end the sentence here,

But rather, you’d like to fill it with a comma

 

A pause.

 

That’s all that’s needed.

 

A pause from hell, from life, from these two places

Being one in the same.

 

You just need a moment,

To gather your wits,

To exemplify your needs,

To think,

To breathe.

 

Even if you don’t want to.

 

So you pause there,

When you’re blowing out your birthday candles

And part of you is screaming inside to die,

You pause.

 

You think,

You consider.

 

And you walk away.

Because life is hell,

And death is not freedom.

 

It’s just the lie your brain tells you,

Even when you’re certain you believe it.

 

You pick up your bag,

And your art supplies jingle,

And you pray for the strength to make it

Through another day.

 

Because you’re worth it.

Because you matter.

Because you’ve got the strength in you to

Live this life,

Otherwise, you wouldn’t have been given it.

 

So you walk away.

And you keep walking, until your tears

Melt in the snow,

And you call someone that takes your breath away.

 

And speaking to them feels like gold glitter is

Spreading throughout your soul,

And laughing with them makes the pain ebb away

Just a little further,

And because leaving them without your spirit,

Breaks you more inside than you care to admit.

 

So you walk, and walk, and walk,

No longer alone,

Together, instead, with all the other fighting souls in this universe.


Here is a poem I wrote for my deviantART account and inspired in part by Josh Woodward’s Letting Go song (the title), Logic’s 1800 song (tears melt in the snow and throughout the piece with hope) and a tweet I made this morning (first stanza).

Thank you for reading!! ❤ ❤ ❤

I was going to write another one but then the Muse went pooooof! Now it’s time for bed. ❤

In which I’m trying not to write a blog post

But it just feels SO WEIRD to not do it. I kinda just want to make a post about how I don’t want or need or have to but want to write a blog post.

Today’s been good! I just finished up a sketch of a new piece. It’s this:

IMG_00004743

I see it’s still a bit blurry. I will get a better photo on my camera, probably tomorrow. Before I color it for sure.

It’s a conceptual piece. It’s meant to be a self-portrait of myself and the background is all text messages from a good friend of mine that has given me advice during my crises over the last year. 🙂 It’s going to have the girl in color and the text will be black and then the background will be colored too.

I also have this sketch:

IMG_00004725

Which is meant to be my friend and myself with a bright light above us as a friendship piece because reasons. 😀 He came out looking like my brother and a bit creepy (it’s the smile, I swear) but I’m hoping when it’s colored it’ll do. XD

I’m going to try and read a little of a textbook before bed tonight. I also started working on a letter for my friend Ez, and gotta work on another for Amanda.

I reorganized my desk! And packed more for school. 🙂

That’s about it! I shall probably see you again tomorrow. XD Lmao

 

Night peeps!!!