Honesty on Recovery to Wellness

It’s time to share some honesty. Some emotions. With the time I have to do so, because I’ve got less than thirty minutes to write up as much as I can, so, let’s dig in. (There’s a nice chicken on the table, some sweets, some chocolate, lots of us here like chocolate after all).

So, I’ve managed to cry! Multiple times in fact! The numbness of the previous 4 days has shriveled up and decayed as I’ve been crying off and on for a suicidal friend, my own past suicidality and for those who’ve lost their lives to suicide.

My last post last night brought quite a few punches, and I wrote it in response to my friend who is going through a very hard time. Genuinely, I was sobbing as I wrote it and I continued crying before I fell asleep (and woke up with the most loveliest headache). Being across the pond, over the virtual powers of the Internet, let alone when you’re face to face with a friend who is deeply struggling, I felt just that massive impact of loss. Even though she hasn’t gone yet, I’m afraid that she will.

These are no easy words to say. They never are, actually.

In my post I wrote a little about how I had to accept that I’m not the one in control here, that I do not control her actions or anyone’s actions when they are suicidal, unless they are my own, and only my own. That is difficult to sit with. Because it means admitting and accepting that you can only do so much. That you can do everything you can to help, and that you have to realize that you can’t do everything.

It is difficult and it brings up feelings for me like powerlessness and helplessness and fear. It makes me feel loss and grief, and a terrible, aching sadness. It feels so dark and so consuming and I can understand how alone it can feel, when under those spells.

And still, I have to accept, that I cannot be everything. That sometimes, life is not enough. Sometimes the pain is too great, and sometimes people just need to be released.

I doubt that ever gets easier to say, easier to understand and sit with. It’s just difficult. It’s sad. It’s heartbreaking. And yet I remember: That some people make it through these struggles, and some people don’t.

I’m sorry and I cry for those who do not.


However, this is only a small portion of what I wanted this post to be about. I have had my tears for my dear friend, and I have had my tears for those who went to fly free because someone has to notice them, and grieve for them. Someone who may not have ever known them, but feels for them all the same.

This has made me think of my own previous suicidality episodes. How I, too, could have lost my life. How I had wanted to, and while not active today, a part of me still wants to.

I grieve to those who have been lost, to those we are still losing. To those we are yet to lose. I grieve for myself. I grieve to those who are struggling and no one knows, and that I cannot know either, but that I wish that I could, so I could reach out to them, give them a little positive message I’ve made and to be there for them as they release their pain through tears and words.

This is right around the same time last year that I not only wrote my note but that I went into the hospital again.


To continue my honesty, I am feeling that I may need to return to the hospital. I am afraid that because I am not suicidal, that I won’t be admitted. I’m afraid that I am not so called “that bad” to be admitted.

Even though I have self-harmed and relapsed recently. Even with new scars to be on my body. I still feel as though . . . I am not worthy.

I know inherently that I am, I know inherently that I broke my safety contract, again, with my T, and I know inherently I may be going to the ER–potentially even tonight.


I am recognizing that I need help. I need further support and treatment than what I may be able to stir up and provide for myself right now. And I am scared. Scared of going to a place which isn’t all that helpful for me. Scared of having to put my parents into a financial crunch of a situation, of their misunderstanding and further judgment each time I confess I’ve scratched myself again. Worried about the process of getting admitted and that I’ll miss out on some other events in my life due to it, yet also afraid that if I don’t go soon the feelings will pass once more and I’ll still just be struggling and yearning for additional support, support I cannot quite reach out for and take.

I am trying to begin the recovery process again, and it’s tough. I’ve been disillusioned by the OCD for the last two weeks, and I feel myself struggling against it. Sometimes acting against my values, with my head so far up my own asshole. With the inappropriate affect causing me to smile and laugh (creepily as my Mom says) when I talk about the suicide obsessions or the suicidal thoughts. Not that I even am having many, suicidal thoughts that is. They’re more just OCD based.

I did skip my meds yesterday, because that sounded like a good idea, but I have taken them today.

Further treatment is further down the line from here and I believe I may have to just pick myself up myself and dust me off and just struggle through because again, I’m not so far “off” to require an immediate hospitalization.

I don’t know, everything’s a little skewed at the moment. I would like to write a post in advance if I require hospitalization, but I don’t think I’ll be able to write it right now. If you don’t hear from me for a week, that’s where I am. So, I’d be safe there. ❤

For now this is about the most honesty I can put together. My thoughts are jumbled and now I’m chuckling for good reasons, hehe.

Tits going to be okay, guys. Tits going to be okay.


😀 ❤ ❤ ❤

Sending much love into the universe for you all and boomerangs of hugs while I’m at it, too! ❤ XXXXX I’ll be in touch! ❤

Stay safe!! ❤

May Our Souls Rest Tonight |For those We’ve Lost to Suicide

“This one’s for the Lonely, the ones that seek and find, Only to be Let down, Time after Time. This is for the ones who stand, for the Ones who think they can, For the ones who need a hand, for the Ones who Try again” – Comes and Goes in Waves – Greg Laswell (piano version)

This is for the Ones who are out there struggling, wherever you are in the world tonight, today. This is for the friends I’ve made who are struggling to hold onto hope and make it through their shitty times with life. This is for the Ones we’ve lost to suicide. This is for the Ones we still have yet to lose to suicide. And for everyone in between who feels worthless and alone and unloved and like a burden. This is for you, too.

This is for the ones we didn’t make it in time to save. This is for anyone out there struggling to make it through the day.

This is for me, letting go of the past. Accepting what I can control . . . and that which I cannot. No matter how difficult and sorrowful that is to make.

This is my public apology, for I am sorry to the Ones who have lost their lives, unable to feel joy and move through pain again. Unable to find that feelings are temporary and that pain ends, in this life, too. This is for the Ones who left this world prematurely. This is for the parts of me who resent that I haven’t followed in those empty footprints.

Trigger Warning: Suicidal themes. My perspective last year when I was suicidal. This is the poem I wrote, below, as my suicide note. I never used it. I began my third hospitalization June 2nd 2015. I’m glad that I did. ❤

May Our Souls Rest Tonight

Written May 29th 2015

It’s not easy to say goodbye.

It’s not easy to go before you’re due.

It’s not easy to live with a mental illness,
A physical illness,
A disability,
A problem.

We all have our struggles.
We all have something that keeps us up at night.
We all have our strengths….
Our weaknesses.

I don’t know if this is my goodbye or not,
I wish it were different,
It may be different,
It could be different.

I don’t know how this story –
My story –
Will play out.

We don’t get to know the ending while we’re
Still here, alive. Existing.
Sometimes we’re just yanked from the world too soon,
By chance –
Or by our own hand.

It’s ugly when your brain turns against you.
It’s miserable being a prisoner in your own head.
And it can be seemingly impossible to make it
Through each day.
Each crisis.

You’re strong if you make it through, I know it.
You’re amazing for having gotten up this morning.
You’re worth so much more than you know.

It is never and will never be your fault,
For the ones who have lives pulled away
From them too soon.

Sometimes we get to say goodbye,
And other times,
Words can’t encircle the pain in which we live
Encompassed by.

It’s neither right nor wrong.
Suicide just is.

It happens,
To more people than you may know.

This will never be and has never been your fault,
I know you won’t hear me any longer,
So I can’t emphasize it enough —
My death by suicide was NOT your fault at all.

I did as much as I could.
You did as best as you could.
You did your best.
You tried.
Maybe what I did wasn’t everything,
But we can’t always be everything.
Sometimes the storm just doesn’t let up,
But our resolve does,
And I can’t go on in this life with this pain.

I know I will regret my decision to depart prematurely,
I know it will cause such a grave pain throughout
All that I’ve known and had yet to know,
But I can’t hold on any longer.

I’ve tried my best,
And I can’t thank you all enough for bringing me
The joy and love and support
I’ve had in these 21 years.

I’m so thankful for the peace and friendship
And family I’ve had this whole time.
Thank you for helping me in part of my journey.
Thank you for existing, and I hope, and you better damn well,
Keep on existing for years after my own absence.
You are worth so god damn much.
If I could hold on longer, I’d hold on for you,
But this pain is too much for me,
And it’s time for me to let it go.

I’ll be okay.
I’ll be okay.
Depending upon your beliefs,
I’ll be either housing it up with the zombies
Or watching you from up above.

…. I am so sorry that this is how it ends,
Or how it may end….

I will miss you all so much.
And I know you will miss me too.

I’m so, so very sorry.
Be stronger than me. ❤
Take care of yourselves.
I love you so much.
This is not your fault.
This was my choosing.
Depression, OCD, they can be unforgiving.
Please do not follow me,
Take care of yourselves,
Get help when you need it,
Everybody deserves help,
And light and happiness in their lives.

There’s nothing I can say that will ever make this okay.
But these are my thoughts, for you, reading this.
I don’t know if anyone will ever even find it…
But it’s here,
For you to read,
When I may no longer be.
I’ll be with you, always.
I know it’s never easy saying goodbye.
But sometimes we just need to let go.
So, here we go:
Uncurl your fists,
Let your tears shed,
Curl up with one another,
Be there with comfort,
Treat yourself with compassion,
You will be all right again.

Let the breeze swipe through your hair,
Let the ocean sway your mood,
Let the light enter your shadowy world,
Breathe in,
Everything will be okay.

I will always be but a memory away.

I love you.
I will miss you.
You did everything that you could.
I couldn’t have asked for a better time with my life.
Take care of my things.
You’ll have so much art to go through!
Get yourself help,
Because you will need all of the support you can gather.
There are groups, you know?
Find them.
Surround yourself with others fighting for a cause.

Goodbye doesn’t come easy,
But letting go can be so beautifully freeing.
I’m one with the stars now,
Mixing into the universe,
There’s always so much more that could be said,
But I hope these words have fed some comfort,
Some understanding,
It will be okay, I know it.

Letting go doesn’t have to be bad,
It can be releasing.

And we all need to be released.

I’m proud to those who’ve fought for as long as you have. I’m sorry that life wasn’t enough. May you rest peacefully. And may we do a better job as those left behind to prevent more lives lost for the future.

I’m sorry that for tonight I won’t be joining you. For that, I’ll thank myself in the morning.


“The Piper” | Book Review | Please Read


I’m so excited!!! lmao I spent ALL day reading this book, The Piper by Lynn Hightower, for about a hundred and fifty pages in the span of 6 hours on/off? Yeah. Ohmygerd. So, a book review is in order!

WARNING: Spoiler LAND ahead. I really do recommend this novel, so if you’d like to read it, STOP NOW, ’cause I’ll be discussing it in length (but I’ll leave out some of the big surprises). You’ll find my thoughts on the book, what touched me, quotes, and my trying to make sense of ALL THE SHIT THAT WENT DOWN. So yeah, very excited!! Okay, that out of the waaaay.

(If you don’t want to read about the spoilers, skip to the quotes section where I relate my recovery experience to this book. You may find some pretty inspirational, life quotes down there! LONG post is LONG) XD


My Detailed Summary/Plot Line (SPOILERS) of The Piper by Lynn Hightower

First: My rating for this book is a SIX out of FIVE. Like an EIGHT out of TEN. IT WAS AMAZING. You know I’m serious if I’m using CAPS lock 🙂 😀

I really did love it though.

It took me a few days and the first fifty pages to get really into it, but I think that had to do with my own attention span and getting used to the characters and what was going on. Throughout today, especially, I had multiple moments of sighing to myself in frustration to the characters (like when you watch a movie and you’re yelling at the screen!), to being sweating and freaking out with a TWIST I didn’t expect and genuinely getting creeped out chills from it, to exclaiming WHAT OH SHIT THEY’RE DEAD multiple times as well. All of the excitement lies within this post. (And how lovely it feels to feel that physiological feeling within myself again, and so purely too!)

So, our main characters involve Olivia, mother of 8 year old Teddy (female), and Hugh, the father, whom there’s a divorce underway. Olivia gets a phone call from her brother Chris warning her about “the pied piper” and how he “had to pay the piper” and that the “Mister Man is after her”. All good and nice, except Chris has been dead for 9 weeks. O_O CALLS FROM THE DEAD

I promise, I won’t keep abusing the CAPS lock. I swear!

Anywho, so the Mister Man is their sibling code for what happened to their sister Emily and German shepherd Hunter, twenty five years ago (I think, there were lots of numbers involved) when they disappeared without a trace.

Teddy and Olivia have a current older golden retriever named Winston, so you know.

Anywho, there’s a lot of moving around and a lot of help from Olivia’s friend and Teddy’s PA (physician’s assistant) in LA Amelia as they begin to uncode what Chris’ warning meant and learn, as Olivia and Teddy move back to Knoxville, that there are bad vibes coming from Olivia’s old house (which she and Teddy are back in) and that Charlotte, Chris’ wife and three girls, know more than they let on in the beginning.

So after a lot of time, Amelia comes up to visit Olivia, because she told her friend from college, Alexis, that her young daughter was struggling to breathe (she was dying) and that it would be time for Alexis to let the daughter go. And Amelia told Alexis about Olivia’s phone call from Chris, thinking ghosts calling siblings would help give her comfort (leaving out the warning though) but it didn’t help and Alexis banned Amelia from access to her daughter. So Amelia goes to Olivia and they begin uncovering more about what’s been going down in the house.

Teddy has been seeing a ghost who is dark and evil, named Duncan Lee. He has roots to being the pied piper from Germany, in which he was a serial killer who murdered many, many children in very brutal ways.

He’s connected to the family because Chris, Bennington and Jamison, when they were wrestling in high school had gone to the Waverly Sanatorium, an old TB hospital, that was thriving with paranormal activity and made a deal with the piper who is Duncan Lee. They all won scholarships at the match, but they had to pay back the piper. Jamison got into a car accident. Bennington’s wife lost their child. And Chris and Olivia lost Emily and Hunter. Whatever deal you made with the piper, the consequences were very, very high priced.

So what winds up happening, is that Duncan Lee’s the bad guy around the old house. Chris’ girl Janet gets severely sick with what may or may not have been cancer, and he made another deal with the piper to save her, but that meant his life being taken. That’s how he died.

Amelia makes a deal with the Piper to save Marianne (the little girl of Alexis). Marianne returns to life, Alexis freaking the fuck out, and Amelia pays her price.

A homicide cop named McTavish that has history with Amelia get close and lovey dovey which is cute and wonderful, gets more on board when the peeps start showing up all dead.

There’s all this weird shit happening in the house and Olivia finds out that the dog that’s been barking around the home turns out to be a limping Hunter. Yup, the dog her family had 25 years ago.

Then, Teddy and Winston disappear like – POOF! Gone.

So there’s this whole investigation into Olivia with the cops.

And Hugh comes down and believes Olivia’s story about the Piper. There’s a psychic named Ack who gets involved, but she’s been waiting for 15 years to deal with what happened when she went to the Waverly and provoked the Piper. She’s been sitting in fear for 15 years, pretty much. And feels therefore responsible not being able to help out Chris and the rest.

Hugh decides in his anger that he’ll bring back Teddy, and he mentions specifically a 5 number code about how many books he’d bring back for Teddy for them all to be a family again. Well, in his anger he goes to the house. And you guessed it, he paid the piper too.

So Olivia goes to Bennington to find out his story. Turns out, after having some tea with him, the dude she spoke with, WASN’T him! It was Duncan Lee! THE GHOST

Bennington and all his new family and dog? Paid the Piper!


Lmao, this is so my style of a book review… I’m leaving out details too, again, I recommend reading it.

It turns out some other dude murdered that family. And then some other dude in jail says he knows where Emily is.

And so Olivia goes to Ack and they decide to go to the source, Waverly.

So they go. And a lot of shit goes down and it’s beautiful and I’m going to put quotes of it at the bottom. It’s beautiful really.

And Ack disappears. And Olivia makes a choice. And they find Emily and Hunter and that they had been murdered by some other killer from prison who never got caught for their murder and it was actually OLIVIA he was after (she was 5 at the time and Emily was 15) and that the Piper had been following Olivia around and watching her all these years.

And with that code Olivia had from Hugh, and following the ghost of her dead dog Hunter, she finds Teddy and Winston. And they live pretty happily off, with some scars Olivia has from the event to remind her of her choice. And that’s how it ends.

I pretty much ruined it for anyone who read this but, fuck it, it was a good book. Lots of things to keep track of for sure! Who was what killer and what happened where and what codes and numbers and oh my. NOW! Onto quotes and my thoughts!


“She could save them all, Amelia and Teddy, if she could start the day again” = p. 122

This is after Amelia has paid the Piper and Teddy is having lots of troubles. I found it particularly heartbreaking from Olivia’s grief, and the desperation she felt to want to rewind time and create a do-over. As it turns out though, it probably wouldn’t have helped. ❤ 😦

“Anger could be magnificent. People always underestimated the power of a

good hard rage. The trick was to control it, rather than let it control you. It was

a skill you could learn but you did have to work at it” – p. 187

I liked this quote about anger because it’s very true and relate-able. I have found that using anger in my recovery with the OCD has been very helpful, there’s nothing like being angry at a circumstance you’re in and deciding, NO, I will not let you dictate how this shit goes, OCD. FUCK YOU. It’s great! Gets that old hand punching OCD in the face. There’s defiance and strength in anger. It’s good. =]

“And if you listen even a little it’s like it’s got a foot in the door and it gets

stronger and stronger and sometimes it feels like a friend, but it’s not. . . But the

more you listen, the more attention you give it, the stronger it gets” – p. 192

This is Chris’ daughter Janet speaking, warning Olivia about Duncan Lee, the ghost, the Piper and how he was affecting Chris and Teddy and all the others. I really liked this quote because it felt like a dawning truth coming to light over my head, where I felt this relates well to what OCD feels like and how OCD acts. The more attention you give to your OCD, the more strength it builds. And it is NOT a friend but with be deceiving and make it look like it’s on your side, doing YOU a favor. I found it just an amazing revelation while reading this book.

“No one can see it unless they agree. It has to be a choice.” – p. 192

Again, I love this, it’s still Janet talking and describing the Piper. It makes me think so much of OCD. And it IS a CHOICE and I always have a CHOICE whether I pay attention to it or not. Whether I strengthen myself or its inflated ego. There’s always a choice. ❤ This was very striking to me. I feel like I’ve been enlightened into recovery again, just a spoonful of it, where I wasn’t expecting it to be.

“If you’re ready. If you want to face it. Don’t you think it’s time to stop running

from this? Aren’t you tired of living under its shadow? Maybe we were meant

to do this together, you and me.” – p. 223

This is Olivia talking to Ack, trying to convince her to go with her to Waverly to face Duncan Lee at the source. I really enjoy the teamwork, companionship in this quote. I also like that challenging your worst fears notion, again, something that ties hand in hand with recovery from OCD. (or any issue!!) It feels like declaring war on the OCD, on the Piper, of fighting back, whatever the cost.

“To be strong if you get . . . targeted. You can’t just stand on the sidelines with

these things. Keep going, come on, the only way out is forward. There isn’t any

other way. Think of your little girl and keep walking. Keep walking, okay?” – p. 229

This is Ack talking to Olivia as they are walking through the Body Chute of Waverly. Ack is in front of Olivia, leading the way, and the shadows of lost souls are forming all around them, and so there’s no way for them to turn back now, they can only move forward. I like that Ack is getting Olivia to think of her values, her daughter, the reason she’s fighting her fears and going to places, to the ends of the Earth, to save her daughter. This is very much like the journey with OCD, you focus on your values as the treatment of ERP causes you to face your greatest fears. Like the Robert Frost quote, “The best way out is always through.”

“She felt the oddest sense of recognition, like she’d known him all her life.

Taking his hand would be such a relief. No struggling anymore. She had not

understood how much she would want this, how good she knew it would feel.” – p. 231

This is Olivia under the lies and deceit of the Piper, telling her to take his hand and make a deal and then that everything would be okay and she’d get back Teddy in exchange for her life. She is under the spell of the Piper, as he glorifies what making a deal with him will be like. As I’m sure you can see, this is like how the OCD I deal with glorifies suicide and self-harm. Making it seem like the perfect release.

“But on some level she felt it. That she was the special one, she always had

been, and there was something evocative about the feeling it gave her,

knowing she was chosen. She felt the urge to accept, to give in, to take the hand

that beckoned her on. If she gave in now it would be easier, she would find

peace in her heart. Just the thought of it made her feel warm, bathed in relief.” – p. 232

Again, this is more of how I feel with the OCD, how it lies to make me feel like a special person, the one and few who would come to act on the very thing I fear. To act out what it wants from me, even when my values lie elsewhere. How it glorifies the end of life into this sweet, honey land of escape and release, when really it would horrible and torturous for all (myself, my friends, my family, people I knew online, people I had yet to meet, people I didn’t even know I could affect). It is deceitful and yet tempting, so very, very tempting sometimes. It would be so simple. So easy… And sometimes there’s just that urge to relapse, like where I’m at now, to just wander down the other path… but for what, really? For what purpose?

“Olivia had felt important then too, but it was nothing like this feeling. Then

she had felt the tie between mother and child, but there was no ego involved,

only a sense of responsibility and love.” – p. 233

This is when Olivia is realizing she has a choice, and she remembers a memory of her and Teddy and compares that feeling of love to how she feels with the Piper’s request. This makes me think of the promised feelings I supposedly would receive if I listen and do what the OCD says, but that I never really get, not for long. Not as long and ever lasting as Responsible Raquel and Recovery Raquel. I miss those two. (So today, May 3oth 2016 marks my new journey of recovery again)

“There was good and bad in life,

and the thought filled Olivia

with dread because she knew

what it might mean for Teddy.

Life was consequences, for

having children, for falling in love,

for having hope.

Happiness meant people you’d lose one day.

There wasn’t going to be an easy way out.

In real life, there

never was.” – p. 233

I just love this quote. It speaks such honest truth, in a raw and emotional way. It gives Olivia the strength to face her fear and tell it ‘No, I will not make any deal with you.’ It makes me think of how it’s better to get to know someone today, even though one day you’ll miss them and they’ll be gone. The whole, better to have loved at all than never before thing. While they’re in your life, they could have an impact on you and you on them. It could shape who they are for the rest of time. Or, add to it. This also recognizes that shit happens in life and life can be amazing too. We’re only here for a limited amount of time, so what are you going to do with yours?

“She still felt it sometimes,

the compulsion

she’d had when she’d reached

for that ghostly

hand, and she sometimes

felt the lure, that

yearning grief for

her childhood home,

thought she heard the

piper whispering in her

ear. But when the urge

got too strong, she had

only to touch her throat,

to listen to the hoarse

damage in her vocal cords,

and it was enough,

it was, to keep her safe.” –

p. 250

I got these last two quotes in larger text, specifically this one because it’s important. I feel actually, from the journey of writing up this book review, that this quote above really encompasses what RECOVERY (and RECOVERY TO WELLNESS) is all about.

The urge will still be there. The Piper, the OCD, the depression, the BPD, the whatever it may be, it will still be there even as we recover, the difference is that we have a choice now, we have a choice to how we manage, how we cope, how we move forwards. Is it easy? No, hell no. Fucking hello no. Yet it’s so very worth it.

And we may be able to see the effect of our journeys on our bodies, our flesh, or our memories, and still, we are SURVIVORS. We are living proof of a story unfinished. We are those semicolons. We are gladiators and victors.

Recovery is a journey, not a destination. We can always learn and grow more.

And it’s okay to break down. It’s okay to not be okay. It’s okay to lose sight sometimes of where we’re going, what we’re doing, what our purpose is.

But with a little introspection, a lot of love and support, friends around us — virtual and real — with a good book, we can find the light again.


“The light doesn’t need the dark,

but the dark needs the light.” –


And Breaking I Shall Be

Today’s Prompt | Blank

I feel . . . minimally.

I cannot cry from my internal pain. It’s so minimal, it may not even be considered pain.

I have relapsed in self-harm, in the OCD . . . and yet, I can barely feel.

I want to cry like the sky is dark and crashing into the light and crying now. I may go outside to just be in the rain. To try and feel. I feel that I cannot feel . . . not adequately.

I am losing myself into blankness. Into nothingness. The depression is so far at bay, it’s laughable. The OCD mingles with the whispers in my mind… its whispers. And still, I can barely feel.

Last night was difficult to fall asleep, to settle my wings into unburdened dreams. Eventually I managed, a variety of sound videos later to help cool my mind, as the OCD was reeling, deciding it’d be a merry time to obsess over obsessing.

I woke up from my slumber multiple times, coming close even to publishing words filled with aches and pains. But fear gripped me, minimally, that it may be too much fixation on the OCD, that it may be me giving further into its powers and that I was just another pawn yet again in its plans… So I found a new sound to listen to and fell back to slumber.

Because of this pattern, I am heavily exhausted. I feel a dense brush of evergreens in my mind, behind my solemn eyes, that cannot feel internally.

Why oh why must the tears be so hard to find?

I require a simple release. So tear I did into my innocent flesh. A blank space contorted into streaks of red lines, skin tearing apart from its clutches of home into the air of the unknown. A sting, a resolute crisp of my vision, alert and awake and present I felt – the rain came down and I could hear the singular droplets, the air became lighter, feelings evoked – and the short term relief dissipated . . . forgotten into scars and soon to be uncovered regret.

I fear these mere words aid only in the OCD lurking in my mind.


With emotion I say, it is not enough. I feel incapable of taking my own life, which is good, yet hellish. Yet this pain is so minimal, how could I forget? I know not where the journey goes from here. I am merely spent.

I feel as though I have acted unlike myself. This blankness, this foggy light, makes me forget who I am and why I am sat here forming words together and together, stringing them like lights over the branches.

I do not know. I cannot know.

This place is not for healing. It is for breaking. And breaking I shall be.

Links to Check Out

Today’s Prompt: Orderly

Amazingly, I will NOT make this post about OCD. Which is good, we all need a break from that mother fucker. =]

I actually want to use this post to present ye all with some links that I’ve been meaning to share, found today and some that I think will reach out to my fellow survivors out there ❤

So, without further ado, here is the list!


  1. Hope for the Day Website This is a website I found out about from a friend of a friend. They’re raising awareness for suicide prevention and raising money to help the cause. You can check out more about their project from the link above! =]
  2. Suicide: The Ripple Effect This is a website I got from the next post below, featuring the suicide attempt survivor Kevin Hines (who has been a major influence in my own journey, the guy is amazing <3). His story is very moving and he speaks the genuine truth when it comes to demystifying the glorification of suicide to what it actually feels like in reality (which is regretful 😦 )
  3. Kevin Hines – MHW16 – Buzzfeed This is the video I saw today that led me to the site featured on #2. I will include another speech of Kevin’s story in the next link. It’s a moving story for sure, and I’m glad he’s doing so much work to prevent suicide now!! He is an inspiration (at least to me!)
  4. Kevin’s Story
  5. Suicide Attempt Survivor’s Stories – Buzzfeed I shared this link with a friend today, and it is also another moving video. If you have the time to watch it, I’d suggest so! The people in it have a few good coping strategy suggestions too =] Let’s build your arsenal of a toolbox!! ^^
  6. A Sexual Assault Survivor’s Story *TW* for those regarding sexual assault. This is a very moving poetry slam type of work (I totally can’t remember the name for that right now) and totally had me crying by the middle of it! Very, very moving.


And, that’s about all I’ve got for links today! It feels nice getting some of these out of the way and I hope the others can help out to just remind you you’re not alone and to get you through the next hour!! ❤ ❤

Stay safe, peeps!

When the Shit Storm Comes for You. . .

It comes and it comes massively. It has no regulation and no miscommunication. It comes for you since you have poked the bear, and dared to wait behind a birch to see the creature come to life, snarling and growling at you, teeth bared.

When the shit storm comes for you, you better be prepared. Grab your shot gun and your rifle, your courage and your self-doubt. Pick up your rain boots and carry your sketchbook beneath your arm.

When the shit storm comes for you, review your mistakes and your inclinations. What intentions did you have to provoke the bear? What could you have said differently or more concisely? Is this a problem that began with you, the onlooker, or one created purely by the shit storm itself?

When the shit storm comes for you, you better prepare your strength. You will have to use wit here, not emotion, otherwise you’ll wind up with more regrets than you had going in. The storm will test your spirit, it may be one hell of a long journey, and it’s okay for you to recognize that you have an out–if you step to the side by three footfalls, the storm will be over and it won’t be pouring down on you out there. The shit storm is limited to one zone of space.

It’s up to you what you choose to do with it from there.


This is a slight follow-up post to the one I made nearly 12 hours ago this morning (actually a little longer). I’m still shaken up by the mixed response I got, understandably so! I spent this holiday weekend a little bit with my nose turned up because I didn’t get to see the most excited doggie every, Angelo, at the doggy daycare today 😛 Poo!

There were still some nice doggies there, they were just more into playing than getting patted, and the person I’ve gotten to know who works there wasn’t on shift (curse you long weekend!!) So it was just okay for today. ❤ At least next Sunday will come by sooner.

Later on, I came back home and took a couple naps during the afternoon, spending some time just milling around on Youtube then some more time reading my book.

Then my parents and I went out for the early evening, I got to read in the car more in my book which is awesome because normally I get car sick and can’t, annnnd it’s also when the shit storm hit.

I was in Michael’s the Arts & Crafts store (a beautiful place, along the lines of Joann’s Fabrics and Hobby Lobby) browsing around, fully in the moment, looking at fancy baskets and tote bags and knowing I only had $10 with me so I’d have to keep within that budget (my parents were in the Target next door, so I was on my own) and I was looking at jars and bird cages (I love bird cages) and then found the sketchbook aisle and was going for a second sketchbook area when I checked my phone for the email notification.

Annnnnd found the shit storm, waiting with the thunder booming and the shit about to hit the fucking fan. The shit storm itself is irrelevant (I mean what the metaphor of the shit storm actually means in reality), just so you know.

But feeling gutted like a fish, I straight up entered the good old “Crisis Mode”. You know when everything just FLIES out the window and you can’t think straight? Oh yeah, that one. That mode.

I couldn’t focus back into the present moment just happily and nonchalantly looking at sketchbooks I’d like to upgrade to once my current one is finished. This was the few and rare times I didn’t have much to cope with me either. I had a small purse with my cell phone, my Ipod (didn’t even think of using it, there was music in the store though and that helped a bit), my glasses cleaning wipe, a orange pen and the book I’m reading. That’s it. I considered calling a friend or a hotline but was still too out of it to make any actual decisions.

I knew I could contact my parents but I don’t want to get yelled at for what this community and blog site has happily brought into my life thus far. I thought briefly of people I could email but that too, wasn’t further explored. I tried just looking back at the sketchbooks and flipping through them, walking slightly up the aisles, looking for the cameras around and if there were any people because the first thing the shit storm stirred up was the notion of scratching myself.

Except, I couldn’t really de-pants myself right in the middle of the store. So I thought about going to find a bathroom and gouging the crap out of my thigh. Just to regain some traction, some present moment bullshit, some release… some pain. But I didn’t find or go looking for a bathroom.

I wound up just scratching a little on the back of my hip (I was wearing a short T shirt so…) and scratching from the outside of my pants. It didn’t do much either way, except break my safety contract I made with my T and possibly push me towards another hospitalization sooner rather than later.

Although I will say there is no way I could have anticipated this shit storm. It was never on my radar whatsoever. After I said my twenty cents, I walked away from the matter, lighter than before and just moving on about my day.

But when the shit storm comes for you….

I did wind up picking out some butterfly washi tape and a stamp set, but then set them back and got the big sketchbook I was looking for when my Mom came into the store and found me again (I kinda found her, too, so that was good). I also got a hummingbird canvas coloring thing which is fancy!!

Then we all went out to dinner at the 99 restaurant, mmmm sirloin tips!! And I had to just carry on from there. Which was tough because I am not one to pretend or lie about how I’m feeling or doing and straight up if you would have seen my face inside of Michael’s you would have been able to tell I was NOT okay. But I managed, especially with a LOT of love and help from Body Electric. ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ Her message was something I could hold onto as the rain from the shit storm eased up as I thought and thought and planned out my response. My dance with the shit storm.

And, here I am now, a little scarred from the shit storm but holding on anyways. I’m writing up another post as an update and to continue sharing this journey of recovery. Part of me still wants to self-harm, but I’m definitely glad I wasn’t home or home alone when I got the shit storm warning call. Otherwise, the damage could have been MUCH worse.


I am also glad that my inclination from this storm was more self-harming than suicidal. I’ve had times when people didn’t understand the OCD I deal with and felt both “Here, let me explain it annnnd now I’ll just go hang myself, thanks!” But that wasn’t there this time, hooray!!

It also reminds me of this one time I got an angry (understandably) email from a Photo Club member (in which I hadn’t been good with integrity or management team) that jarred me severely where as I read it I could FEEL the OCD agreeing and pointing out how shitty I was and how I should just kill myself and I reached for my dinner’s knife and got to rolling up my sleeve before I stopped myself and thought “Whoa there, I am NOT about to self-harm because of what SOMEONE ELSE has said to me, am I?” And that zapped me out of it! HOORAY.


So yeah. Not the best of the best responses. But definitely not the worst either. Relapse or lapse, I’m not too concerned about it. I’d say it was more of a reactive response. A way to cling onto the moment and cope with a sudden dramatic shift in attention and mood. This does tell me that I am really beginning to struggle though. I gotta get my own shit together. Plan out my own shit storm. Rofl.

Welp, that’s it for me this time! At least this was more of something creative and life update-y than ….a shit storm 😉

I will not apologize for my content, as that would be to deny my own thoughts and feelings, which, I’m very tired of doing. Take THAT brain! *flicks a booger at my brain* IIIIII am sorry for that depiction though. It’s the first thing that popped up! T_T XD


Hope you ALL are doing well!!! ❤ ❤ ❤ If you ever need to chat, feel free to message me. Some of you peeps are becoming my own lifeline and I really, really appreciate that. ❤

I’m off to voyage through the weather now! *steers the ship like a BOSS grinning madly in the wind*

Of Imperfect Thoughts

Today’s Prompt: Epitome

Epitome: A perfect example: An example that expresses something very well.

I gotta say, I’m not getting exciting ways (waves?) of inspiration from this prompt today. I have an idea still for yesterday’s prompt (which I will totally be doing anyways after this since I didn’t have the chance to Friday) but today’s prompt? I’m like an empty space for the words. I suppose my first inclination is to say:

Perfection doesn’t exist.

But after that? Pfff, I just don’t have anything. Maybe I need to change the background music I’m listening to. Maybe Rachel Platten isn’t the right fit for this post (notice, as I just engaged in singing to the song and bed dancing to it)

Another reaction I have to this word prompt is, I’d hope I could be a good example for someone going through the recovery journey. I have been more receptive lately to admit I’ve relapsed with the OCD, and since I haven’t scratched myself again since Tuesday, I’d say it was more of a lapse than a relapse.

My Mom thinks I’m “over-labeling” due to the OCD, and she mentioned so in therapy, which isn’t quite fair, I think. I don’t think I’m over-labeling. I’m trying to understand where I am in my own journey because I’m communicating that information both through this blog, my DA, my artwork, my IOOV presentations. I mean, if I don’t know the answer, who will? No one. That’s who!

I’m just trying to understand myself, sans OCD not because of it. I do recognize it’s a slippery slope and can easily convert into the OCD but again, I repeat: Not EVERYTHING can be a compulsion. Do, take note, fellow bloggers.


And again, silence falls upon me. Maybe it’s ’cause my laptop is hot as lava on my lap. The fan isn’t hitting me with cool air enough. It’s hot as balls outside and I haven’t even BEEN outside today, fucking hell.

I did get into the book I’m reading though, so there’s that =] I also cannot wait until tomorrow, Sunday, since for the last two weeks I’ve been going to the local doggy daycare in town and playing with the doggies and patting them and everything! It’s so awesome! I get back home reekin’ with allergies, but it’s worth it for the anticipation throughout the week! =]


I would like to start doing the daily prompts in the morning of each day. Since they do come out at 8am, rather than 9am as I once thought. I worked on making some positive messages today, and have a small handful left to actually create the message portion. :3 Today was more of a relaxing, napping day, going through messages here and trying to keep up with the posts that keep on coming in. I have more comments I want to write tonight so hopefully I can get more up to date on what’s been going on in your guys’ lives. =] Most I’ve read through, just have to go back and comment on.

I suppose I’m a little empty minded since I was caught up in my own projections last night and scrambling to write some comments for the friends I feared could become unsafe. But one of my friends let me know I don’t have to worry so much, you know who you are, and I’m still grateful for that. So today I’ve been just keeping myself to a looser regiment, just working on some self-care.

I did have a headache earlier too, how annoying. It’s gone now though =]


Welp, I think that’s all I’m getting out of this post. Maybe forks will treat me better. ❤ Or, it’s just time for another break and time to read or watch some Youtube videos. Or get my laptop off my lap….. O_o

Or comment. Sigh, too many decisions. XD


Hope you guys are well! ❤ Staying chill, too! ^^

Countless Lives + Suicide

Today I went to an event for the Samaritans crisis hotline in Boston, Massachusetts where I learned about hope, the pursuit of suicide prevention and the changes Samaritans is making in countless lives.

Coincidentally, I also learned that my college campus has lost yet another student soon to graduate to suicide.

This marks two suicides this year from our school of UMass Boston.

Two lives that will never get the chance to  smile again. To hear their favorite song on the radio. To live to see their impact on those around them. To feel the summer sun on their skin and the icy touch of a new snowfall.

Two people I didn’t know–and will never know personally now, either. Two people I didn’t know yet I know of their pain.

Whether you’re reading this and you’ve struggled with mental health issues or if you’re new to my blog and haven’t suffered from a mental health issue, you still may be familiar with dealing with suicidal thoughts. Suicide does not discriminate. It takes the lives of 800,000 people worldwide. The lives lost to suicide have been increasing over the last twenty-four years.

We lose someone to suicide every 40 seconds somewhere out on this large, blue rock of ours.

Suicide is the second leading cause of death for people aged 15-34. There have been 585 suicides in MA thus far this year. All these statistics came from the event I went to held by Samaritans this morning–and if any are faulty, that’s an error on my part, only.

Suicide is a growing problem in our world, in our societies and for any involved. It impacts children, young adults, adolescents, the elderly–anyone. It could be your friend, yourself, your neighbor, that one kid in class who never talks OR the one who talks the most, someone you sat next to on the bus, the grocery bagger at your supermarket, someone you just complimented on their cool style–anyone.

It’s cliche but it’s true–you don’t know what other people are going through and sometimes the simplest, smallest thing you do can give a person going through suicidal thoughts the opportunity to hold on for one more day.

I, too, have dealt with suicidality. I’ve been to those dark spaces in my mind, where I wanted, desperately, for the pain to end. For me to find freedom. I’ve dealt with severe depression and severe OCD. I’ve met people who’ve gone through hell and are still struggling to get their life back in their control.

I’ve made suicide plans. I’ve acted on my thoughts.

And little things, like someone smiling at me, someone acknowledging my pain, someone being there for me to ask what they can do to help, to tell me that they care about me–these are all things that kept me on THIS side of life. Where I’m meant to be for the duration of the time I have on this Earth.

You, too, or whoever you know is struggling, is worth it. You are worthy of life. You are worthy of recovery. Good days are on their way. Just find something or someone to hold onto.

If a day is too difficult to get through, then make it through this next hour, this next minute, this next second.

Reach out to someone and tell them how you are feeling–someone you trust and who may not judge you. If someone doesn’t believe you, you find someone else to tell, you hear me? If someone reacts with anger–they’re just scared. Scared about how much you mean to them and scared that they’re going to lose you.

Suicide is a complicated issue. There’s no doubt about that. But it’s worth talking about. Our silence has to come to an end, in order for us to reach out to those who are struggling in silence, because no one deserves to suffer in silence. Let your voice be heard and your pain be acknowledged. Through that, you can begin your healing and recovery.

There ARE people out in this world who care about you. I may not have known those two people who’ve died by suicide this year from my campus, but I’m very sad that they’ve left this Earth so soon. It brings me sadness, anger, loss. It makes me wonder if they could have gotten help, could have gotten admitted, could have called a hotline, could have found ME or SOMEONE to help encourage them to get through such a difficult, but not impossible situation.

Suicide takes away the chance of things ever getting better. Death is permanent. Once you’re out, that’s it. There’s no more yummy foods, no more friends or family from THIS side of life, no more music, no more nature, no more of any of the things you once cared about and WILL care about again in the future, when you’re feeling better.

Everything is just…gone. YOU are gone. And we can’t ever get you back.


Countless lives we’ve lost. Countless horrors left behind. Countless impacts left on a devastated community. Please, please, don’t leave just yet. Your sunshine is coming soon, it’s just caught behind the clouds for the moment. But, it will come. The darkness can only last for so long. ❤ ❤

I’d like to include some helpful links and information into this post as well, because it’s important. I could and maybe I will go into a second post about sharing our voices and the impact we can make by speaking up about our struggles. We’ll see. For now, this is the best amount of stuff I wanted to say on the issue here. So, without further ado:


National Suicide prevention hotline in the US: 1800 273 8255 (TALK)

Samaritans Boston, MA Phone and Text Service

USA Hotlines per State (Some may be outdated or have specific run time hours, please use the national suicide prevention lifeline above as your top choice, because someone will be there to take your call before you make any rash decisions)

UK Helpline Info

International Hotlines


Resources for Warning Signs:

About suicide prevention

Coping with suicidality


TEDtalks about mental health that I recommend sticking around to see:

Andrew Soloman, Depression

Schizophrenia talk

Brains get sick too

Mark Henick – Why we choose suicide


Stay safe ❤

Today’s prompt: Countless

Award 3: Liebster

Okay, so here’s to the 3rd award I got, the Liebster award! =]


Image taken off of Google! Not mine!!

I was nominated by the most lovely Ciara. Her blog is really neat and offers a nice break from the wide, wide world of mental health. She chats about her life and the fancy adventures she goes on, and is a very nice human being all around. =] So, check her out!

10 Random facts about me:

  1. (Okay, this is actually going to be tougher than I thought! XD) Ummm, I’ve returned to being an avid reader. I used to read a LOT when I was a kid: Animorphs, Nancy Drew, Avalon, Harry Potter. Reading was totally my thing and it was the first thing that got me so interested in creative writing! As an adult, I’ve returned to the reading marathon in the last year and it’s been much fun! (Although I’m finding it a little difficult to get into my current book “The Piper” by Lynn Hightower.)
  2. I love listening to creepypastas (fictional scary stories) and true scary stories by Youtubers like Corpse Husband, Mr. Nightmare, Mr. Creepypasta, Creepypasta Jr., etc. I’ve actually paused one right now. Some of my favorites involve stalkers and the people who turn out to be hiding in your house for a week. 😀
  3. I like falling asleep at night to either a creepypasta (especially the long ones/compilations that are like anywhere from half an hour to two hours long–oh my god, Borrasca by the way? Gotta listen to it!! It’s really fucked up (it’s a creepypasta after all) but sooo good. Gwah worthy! OR I like falling asleep to ASMR’s. I love Heather Feather, Whispers Red, Donna ASMR, this one where water beads are layered over the sounds of indistinguishable whispers, gwah, it’s sooo nice! I listened to one last night involving shaving cream and it was so lovely. If you’re curious it’s that link right there. I could make a whole post about this and you know, maybe, one day I will! =] I love tapping ones too. GWAH
  4. I started a project this year where I make little positive phrases, words, drawings and sometimes some song lyrics (from other songs, not my own!) on little pieces of torn up paper and give them to random people. I gave away 33 in February, 49 in March, and 63 in April. One example you can find in my second post on here. I have yet to make some and give them out in May (I should get on that though!) My goal for this month will be shorter, like 25 or so.
  5. I have a lot of things to say. 🙂 If you haven’t noticed. (now I’ll purposely make this one short XD)
  6. I’m still interested in finding other mental health/recovery tags to do this month of May, so you may find (HA! Puns) me uploading some before the end of the month!
  7. I love color! Rainbows and unicorns and magical creatures. =] Sparkle, and glitter and sequins! Color makes me happy =]
  8. I love the ‘Recollections’ series for scrapbooking! Their stickers and their new washi tape is so beautiful, they’re all positive and super colorful, (well some of them are) it’s awesome! Me in a little bottle, pretty much.
  9. I have tons of journals, ones I wrote in when I was younger, all the way back in 2006 and ones that I have and have begun but never finished! :O
  10. I own all the House MD DVDs. =] (There were 8 seasons)


Okay! That’s done with!! Here’s a picture for making it this far!!


A new scrapbook page I did last week, featuring a bunch of the positive washi tape and stickers I was talking about above! =] Made 5/20/16

Okay, now it’s time for the 10 questions I was asked! Let’s go!! =]

  • Why did you start blogging?

Every time I go to blog I still imagine I’m on DA, writing to my first small crowd of friends. I always keep them in mind and I try to write as open and honestly as I can, thinking that I’m talking to them and (maybe pretending) that there will be other people out there too who will come across my work and read it. So far blogging is coming pretty naturally to me. It’s a nice little combination of just saying things. And talking about stuffs. And then typing them all together and posting it. It’s quite refreshing and freeing. I enjoy the time as I blog and I think it’s helping to keep me accountable, too.

  • Does your family/friends know you blog? Why or why not?

My Mom knows of my blogging but doesn’t exactly know how open I am on it or what the name of it is, even after I’ve shown her and how much I talk about it (at least, I don’t think she knows!). A couple of my friends know, others don’t, but we just got out of school so that part makes sense. A couple of them I just haven’t brought it up yet. Although I’m going to mention it in the next OCD support group! =] And of course in my IOOV presentations! 😀

  • What is your favorite thing to do to relax?

Listen to ASMRs/guided meditations (I need to get back on board with the latter). Listen to music. Read. Create. (reminds me, I need to update my fanfic!) Color. Particularly painting and watercoloring take up a lot of my attention span so those are especially good to use as tools. =]

  • Who is your favorite band?

Again, I don’t often listen to more than one song per group. But I like Demi Lovato, Eminem, Rachel Platten, Imagine Dragons, One Republic. I like songs like ‘Heart Attack’, ‘Neon Lights’ ‘Skyscraper’ ‘Confident’ by Demi and ‘Beautiful’ ‘Beautiful pain’ ‘Lose yourself’ ‘Not Afraid’ ‘Guts over Fear’ ‘3am’ and others by Eminem.

  • If you could chose one person dead or alive to have lunch with who would it be?

I’d totally bring back my doggy Bayya and we’d have a day outside together and I’d sit down in the ants and tick infested grass and I’d give her THE BEST rubsies. And she’d whine and bark and I’d poke her in the tongue every time she yawned, just like old times. ❤ ❤ ❤ Miss you, little one.

  • What is your dream car?

Once upon a time, when I was younger (and didn’t know much about cars…like how I still don’t now) I dreamed of a black Hummer with blue flames… really just for that paint job! I’d say color-wise, I’d love a teal colored car or a purple one or one of those metallic looking ones. Who knows, if I had the money, maybe I’d design it too. =]

  • If you could only eat one thing for the rest of your life what would it be?

One thing one thing? Or one thing like a category of food? ‘Cause category wise I’d go fruits. And thing wise I’d say…. probably chocolate. I wouldn’t last long but oh well! At least I’d be happy! XD

  • What is your worst fear?

I don’t think I really have any now…except probably a quick, sudden death. That freaks me out a bit. I’d prefer to know in advance not just me like “You know, today is a LOVELY day I wonder if— BOOM DEAD” That sounds horrifying. Oh god. D: T_T

  • What super power would you choose?

Probably the ability to create rainbows and sprinkle sparkles out of my fingertips (when I want to of course, it’d be inconvenient otherwise) and help give hope to peeps when they’re going through tough times. Those kinds of super powers 😉

  • What was your favorite place to visit?

Hmmm, I’d say Cancun Mexico and Peru. Goooooood times. Except when I was at Machu Pichu when my camera sputtered out and grew a problem… 😦 That wasn’t so fun.


Okay! That’s all for the questions!! Phew! I’d say if you want to do this award/tag, you’d be best splitting it up onto two days or so! Takes a LOT of work.

My 10 Questions for you next go-getters:

  1. If you were a stuffed animal, what would you look like? Be as detailed as you wish!
  2. Favorite type of pattern? (polka dots, stripes, etc.)
  3. What keeps you inspired to continue blogging?
  4. What type of image(s) depict who you are as a person best? (I really like gazebos so imagining myself as a gazebo is pretty cool. Or a sapling. Saplings are cute!)
  5. On a scale of 0 – 10, how much of a badass are you?
  6. What are some inspiring quotes/messages that have gotten you through your darkest moments?
  7. What does your dream house look like?
  8. If you could only play one for the rest of your life what would you choose: Puzzle, maze, word search or crosswords?
  9. Who are you? (be as creative as you want!)
  10. What are 5 self-love/self-care things you can do to help you during a hard time? (and include ones you’d actually do, have tried or are interested in trying!)

Now! For myyyyy nominations…


I nominate: (dear god this will take a while, curse you INTERNET!)

Body Electric

Life on the Borderline


Living as one in four

And anyone else under 200 followers who wants to give this one the good ole go!! =] My job here is done…. *pooofs*