To Dream and Dream Again

Today’s prompt: Dream

Tonight I shall fall asleep,

And dream of many dreams.

There will be light and there will be hell,

But through the darkness

Comes the light

And so I shall wander, small and bright.

Tonight I shall fall asleep,

Waiting to uncover treasure and to seek

The thrills that escape me in the daylight.

Tonight I shall fall asleep,

And dream of dreams and better days,

Only to wake in the morning,

Disappointed, yet full of life.

 


Besides this poem above, I’d like to discuss some of my hopes and dreams with you all. One of my dreams is to paint my own front door when I buy my first house. I want the background to be a dark green, like with a tint of teal in it, and then paint a pastel yellow, pink and green iris type shape onto it. I discuss this dream in my IOOV presentations, and you’d think after so many times saying it that I’d actually have a better representation of it in my mind but it’s actually fading away a little. Haha, I hope to draw out a little version of it soon though!

Another one of my dreams is to give a TED talk about my mental health experiences in 2018. I haven’t heard any TED talk discussing the pure O side of the OCD spectrum and so I’d like to raise further awareness of that and what my experiences have been like.

I also have a dream/new year’s resolution to read ten books this year. I’ve done 7 so far. I actually went to the library this evening and picked up four additional books so that will be fun to do and keep me busy!!

 

I dream of better days ahead and a series of better tomorrow’s. I dream of recovery and wellness sound from the OCD.

I dream of becoming a mental health therapist, a licensed clinical social worker. I dream of graduating college, I’ve got about a year and a half left. I dream of getting a job this summer and staying busy. I dream of a well earned/well needed reboot after this long week ahead. I dream of returning to photography, and keeping up with artwork through the years ahead.

I dream of seeing the next Thor movie, and the next Marvel films.

I dream of hanging out with Jeanine again soon. I dream of sending a letter to an old forgotten friend. I dream of doing as best as I could this last semester. I dream of many more yummy nights of ice cream and goodies.

I dream of structuring my time well. I dream of blogging, reading, commenting. Managing my time and having days of rotation and structure between blogging and DA. I dream of making it to the fall semester, what feels like light years away at the moment. I dream of staying busy. Of organizing my room again. Of accomplishing these many dreams.

 

I dream and dream and dream some more. And through action and doing and beyond, I hope that it is enough. ❤ ❤

“Creature of the Night” Book Review

So, I’d like to do a short book review of this book called “Creature of the Night” by Kate Thompson, as I’ll be returning it to my library soon after. (which closes in about an hour)

So without further ado….

**SPOILERS WARNING**

Okay, now is good!

I give this story a 3 out of 5 stars. The main character, Bobby moves with his troubled in money mother and four year old little brother Dennis from Dublin to a little village out in the country side. The house they rent has a story of the family before supposedly killing their daughter while they lived in the house only for another fellow who moves in (the last person there) to disappear mysteriously. There are also fairies who come and drink the milk you leave out by the door in the evening, and if you don’t, something bad winds up happening.

I didn’t really click with Bobby very much. He’s a fourteen year old adolescent who has been guided down the wrong path by his older cousin and other older teenagers in a small gang where they have joy rides with stolen cars, do drugs and all around are a bad influence for him. He insists on wanting to return to Dublin where they lived before to be back with his buddies and slowly learns over time how much they didn’t actually care for him and were just using him as they began using the next newbie in their gang.

I think this was a tough reality point for Bobby and he was disillusioned in who he was, where his future was going and how he was going to get there.

After stealing the car the man living there previously had left behind, and crashing it from one of the older gang members, Bobby has to work by the owner of the area in the fields to pay off the car. He meets Coley, a boy there, and they work together and Bobby winds up enjoying his company, his brother’s interest in patching up old cars and Coley becomes a true friend to him even when the truth of the history of the home comes out, Dennis has been seeing “the little woman” and Bobby makes it out of the village for his fourth or fifth time.

The turning point came when Bobby realized who the fairy really was. It turned out to be the daughter who was never actually killed and that she had killed and dismembered the last tenant. Bobby realizes his family may be in danger and uses that strength to return to the house to save them.

I don’t think they ever found the old woman but the ending comes pretty quickly, where Bobby is 24 and has stayed up by Coley’s and made a better life for himself and how his little brother doesn’t remember what happened and he and his mother are away from each other since they weren’t a good influence together.

 

I give this story a 3 out of 5 because while Bobby wasn’t the type of character I normally invest in for a story, I’m glad he had a better ending. I also found that I wanted to find out what happened despite me both liking and disliking Bobby and his behavior. I think the ending came pretty quickly though, and I would have liked getting a better understanding of this newer Bobby than the shitty Bobby we had the entire storyline. But, maybe that’s just me!!

I felt the book was a bit of a let down, but it kept me hooked too. The chapters are short and it’s a pretty easy read. I wouldn’t read it again, but I’d be curious to see more work by this author.


So there we have it! One book review down! I want to do another from this other book I got a while ago called “you came back” so look out for that this week! And if you guys enjoyed this let me know! What would you like to see and how could I make this better? =]

Thanks to everyone who has been reading!!

❤ ❤

Coping Span of a Fly

Why must the job search be ever so painfully rigid and boring and hopeless? If I had the ability to sob, I think I just might (except I’ve not been able to have a proper cry for the last few weeks). This will just be a venting post.

I’m so sick of searching and searching for jobs. The illogical notion of uploading a resume only to RE-write the very same information into a series of blocky rectangles is grating on my nerves. The constant appearance of “oh, here’s a job you might like! WAIT! You need THIS degree and THAT degree and ALL OF THE DEGREES” is zapping the hope from my veins and just making my face as red as a tomato. I’m sick and tired of trying to find some means of employment that will actually be meaningful to me rather than making me want to kill myself even more than what I’m already fantasizing about.

I’ve barely been a week out of school and I feel like I’m already losing the rest of my marbles. These marbles have slithered out and about and they’re being crushed and broken by big boots and high heels coming down from the gray, swirling sky.

Part of this I think is since my IOOV presentation tomorrow got canceled (which sticks, but it will be rescheduled but that was my ticket out of the house!) I do have my psychiatrist’s appointment though, and maybe I can wander around the town afterwards. Or even go up to school later if I dare. I can also wait until Thursday when I’m up in Boston.

I swear though, I don’t know how my Mom is doing it. She’s been unemployed for about a month now and I just can’t even fucking handle four days of it.

I don’t know what to do because I need to work somewhere to be out of the house and earning money, but I fear working somewhere where I hate living at. Lmao, that sounds so horrible!

I want to get through this week because of the events I have going on on Thursday but right now the idea of a relapse sounds very inviting. I can feel the rage of resentful Raquel and wanting to just act out and DO something. I need to reign it in somehow. Writing this and blogging at least is helpful. Keeps me busy…keeps me safe.

I’m thinking the reboot I need in the coming future is going to turn into an inpatient stay. I suppose this post is as good as any post to update you guys more formally.

I’ve been struggling a bit lately. Since about April 2016 I began losing perspective on recovery and was just holding onto the thought that by the time I made it to about a year clean from repetitive self-harm that I could relapse thereafter and then on some arbitrary point in time begin recovery again.

Back in about February 2016 the OCD picked up a new obsession focused on heartbeats (this is the first time I’m speaking about this publicly but that’s a good sign, too) and after some fuckery I did go out and buy a stethoscope and not gonna lie, it was pretty cool to listen to my heartbeat, but I got just a taaaad obsessive and had to throw it out soon after. Again, I was up to some fuckery.

Any who, I’ve been having the thoughts since to buy another stethoscope and after acting on several what are known as breath holds and supplying pressure to ze heart area (okay, this is a little bit harder to admit, I just find it embarrassing) I was dealing with some deeper fuckery than I signed up for.

Then it was, in the start of May, oh, hey, why not take some pills to see what shit will happen then? And I was all, well, OCD, if it will shut you up, fine!

And so I abused some old meds. Just like that. I mean I had the thought the day before, a Monday, and abused them on a Tuesday but still, snap of the fingers and there it was. Done! I wasn’t depressed. I wasn’t triggered. I wasn’t upset. I was just really annoyed and wanted some “peace” from the annoyance of the OCD for a few hours. (days is initially what I was typing, that’s odd) I did it without much thought yet enough thought to act on it. Like the song ‘I took a pill in Ibiza’ by Matt Posner, “but fuck it, it was something to do”

Maybe that’s supposed to disqualify me from my current recovery stint, but oh well, I don’t count it as such, I count it as another lapse, but where I’m headed… it’s going to slip out from under me soon. Part of me just thought that’d be okay, and then some of the OCD supplied a nice scratching myself image. Gee, thanks brain!

Just a few more days…. just a few more days.

Maybe I’ll just tell myself by this time next week I can go inpatient. Slightly anxiety provoking but helpful in its own way. I just want to be back on the recovery route and not wanting to self-harm because I can’t find a damn job.

 

Along this idea, I had done some compulsions with the OCD late at night Thursday and Friday I was good for a large part of the day and then the being home alone thing snuck up on me and the OCD was raging and I was feeling unsafe. But I reached out and called someone. That’s good. That’s when I started thinking I may need to go back on the inside rather than just the partial. But I really, really, really want to make it to that thing I have on this coming Th. After that, I can just go wherever. But until then….

I got more of the OCD that I spoke about yesterday on Saturday, but had to go out for the evening which was very fun and was a nice break from all this OCD drama. Also, too, having lost my iPod had been a dip too. Luckily my therapist gave me some safety contracted gloves that appointment day where I lost my iPod so I wore those so I didn’t hurt myself. Which is good because suicide and self-harm sounded extraordinarily reasonable under a lost iPod situation.

On Saturday I engaged in some questionable behavior by walking across the street without it being a red light and felt exhilarated by it… which is probably NOT a good sign. Rofl.

 

So yeah. It’s just all slowly unraveling in a way that’s very new and different than the past. Those compulsions I did on Thursday were the real kicker. Fixating and thinking of the OCD in all its glorified nature and becoming re-attuned to plans and methods just….noooooot a good idea.

 

I’m going to keep watercoloring now. And listening to something in the background. And then going out to the library later tonight. Maybe organizing… Fancying up the room and such. I did a new watercolor piece yesterday that I want to show you guys. =]

 

Hope you guys are doing well!! Stay safe. ❤ ❤

Also, I’m totes doing the daily prompt for today, at some point!!