Coping Span of a Fly

Why must the job search be ever so painfully rigid and boring and hopeless? If I had the ability to sob, I think I just might (except I’ve not been able to have a proper cry for the last few weeks). This will just be a venting post.

I’m so sick of searching and searching for jobs. The illogical notion of uploading a resume only to RE-write the very same information into a series of blocky rectangles is grating on my nerves. The constant appearance of “oh, here’s a job you might like! WAIT! You need THIS degree and THAT degree and ALL OF THE DEGREES” is zapping the hope from my veins and just making my face as red as a tomato. I’m sick and tired of trying to find some means of employment that will actually be meaningful to me rather than making me want to kill myself even more than what I’m already fantasizing about.

I’ve barely been a week out of school and I feel like I’m already losing the rest of my marbles. These marbles have slithered out and about and they’re being crushed and broken by big boots and high heels coming down from the gray, swirling sky.

Part of this I think is since my IOOV presentation tomorrow got canceled (which sticks, but it will be rescheduled but that was my ticket out of the house!) I do have my psychiatrist’s appointment though, and maybe I can wander around the town afterwards. Or even go up to school later if I dare. I can also wait until Thursday when I’m up in Boston.

I swear though, I don’t know how my Mom is doing it. She’s been unemployed for about a month now and I just can’t even fucking handle four days of it.

I don’t know what to do because I need to work somewhere to be out of the house and earning money, but I fear working somewhere where I hate living at. Lmao, that sounds so horrible!

I want to get through this week because of the events I have going on on Thursday but right now the idea of a relapse sounds very inviting. I can feel the rage of resentful Raquel and wanting to just act out and DO something. I need to reign it in somehow. Writing this and blogging at least is helpful. Keeps me busy…keeps me safe.

I’m thinking the reboot I need in the coming future is going to turn into an inpatient stay. I suppose this post is as good as any post to update you guys more formally.

I’ve been struggling a bit lately. Since about April 2016 I began losing perspective on recovery and was just holding onto the thought that by the time I made it to about a year clean from repetitive self-harm that I could relapse thereafter and then on some arbitrary point in time begin recovery again.

Back in about February 2016 the OCD picked up a new obsession focused on heartbeats (this is the first time I’m speaking about this publicly but that’s a good sign, too) and after some fuckery I did go out and buy a stethoscope and not gonna lie, it was pretty cool to listen to my heartbeat, but I got just a taaaad obsessive and had to throw it out soon after. Again, I was up to some fuckery.

Any who, I’ve been having the thoughts since to buy another stethoscope and after acting on several what are known as breath holds and supplying pressure to ze heart area (okay, this is a little bit harder to admit, I just find it embarrassing) I was dealing with some deeper fuckery than I signed up for.

Then it was, in the start of May, oh, hey, why not take some pills to see what shit will happen then? And I was all, well, OCD, if it will shut you up, fine!

And so I abused some old meds. Just like that. I mean I had the thought the day before, a Monday, and abused them on a Tuesday but still, snap of the fingers and there it was. Done! I wasn’t depressed. I wasn’t triggered. I wasn’t upset. I was just really annoyed and wanted some “peace” from the annoyance of the OCD for a few hours. (days is initially what I was typing, that’s odd) I did it without much thought yet enough thought to act on it. Like the song ‘I took a pill in Ibiza’ by Matt Posner, “but fuck it, it was something to do”

Maybe that’s supposed to disqualify me from my current recovery stint, but oh well, I don’t count it as such, I count it as another lapse, but where I’m headed… it’s going to slip out from under me soon. Part of me just thought that’d be okay, and then some of the OCD supplied a nice scratching myself image. Gee, thanks brain!

Just a few more days…. just a few more days.

Maybe I’ll just tell myself by this time next week I can go inpatient. Slightly anxiety provoking but helpful in its own way. I just want to be back on the recovery route and not wanting to self-harm because I can’t find a damn job.

 

Along this idea, I had done some compulsions with the OCD late at night Thursday and Friday I was good for a large part of the day and then the being home alone thing snuck up on me and the OCD was raging and I was feeling unsafe. But I reached out and called someone. That’s good. That’s when I started thinking I may need to go back on the inside rather than just the partial. But I really, really, really want to make it to that thing I have on this coming Th. After that, I can just go wherever. But until then….

I got more of the OCD that I spoke about yesterday on Saturday, but had to go out for the evening which was very fun and was a nice break from all this OCD drama. Also, too, having lost my iPod had been a dip too. Luckily my therapist gave me some safety contracted gloves that appointment day where I lost my iPod so I wore those so I didn’t hurt myself. Which is good because suicide and self-harm sounded extraordinarily reasonable under a lost iPod situation.

On Saturday I engaged in some questionable behavior by walking across the street without it being a red light and felt exhilarated by it… which is probably NOT a good sign. Rofl.

 

So yeah. It’s just all slowly unraveling in a way that’s very new and different than the past. Those compulsions I did on Thursday were the real kicker. Fixating and thinking of the OCD in all its glorified nature and becoming re-attuned to plans and methods just….noooooot a good idea.

 

I’m going to keep watercoloring now. And listening to something in the background. And then going out to the library later tonight. Maybe organizing… Fancying up the room and such. I did a new watercolor piece yesterday that I want to show you guys. =]

 

Hope you guys are doing well!! Stay safe. ❤ ❤

Also, I’m totes doing the daily prompt for today, at some point!!

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