Phase defined by the dictionary: a distinct period or stage in the process of change.
I’m going through a phase right now. I woke up this morning at around 6am (it’s now about 3 hours later). I sat with the OCD taking up the empty space beside me on my right in my bed. We chatted and it spoke to me and I pondered about how I was going to get through the next two days, how I could ensure that I go get hospitalized at MSE versus any other uncertain place, how I knew I was planning my own relapse.
And how a couple hours later… that relapse has occurred.
Part of me just wants to FEEL something. To have a good CRY. But no tears are coming. They’re locked inside my chest, and I don’t – or can’t – find the key to let them out.
Like I said yesterday, I feel like I’m going mad. Pardon the language. I feel like my marbles are swimming away and being crushed by boots from the sky. I feel a lump in my throat because I have to see my psychiatrist today and I’m afraid he might send me to the hospital today, right then and there.
I just want to FEEL. I want the OCD to go away. I want to get that “bliss” it’s been telling me I’d feel if I scratched myself again. Where is it, now, huh? Come on OCD, where’s this so called bliss you told me about??
Part of it is because I’ve grown tolerant. Part of it is that I don’t want to self-harm again. Part of it is me thinking if I get it out of my system that’s just all I need.
What sums up my position at the moment is this drawing:
I don’t know whether to go forward (to recovery again) or spend some time going backwards (regressing/relapse/lapse land).
I don’t have the answer yet. I know I’m not never going to go back to recovery (pardon the double negative), I know this is just a phase and once I can strengthen myself again I’ll be back on the path of recovery 110%. I know my momentum is just puttering out. I just need to be refreshed on why recovery is so important to me, why it’s better than the glorification of the OCD, why I’m important to recover.
This time is new and different. I’m not severely depressed like I was last year. I’m just dealing with – or not dealing with – more frequent bouts of the OCD and the prospect that a job is waiting out for me in the summer time longer than like tomorrow. OR today. And that, I admit, is a bit depressing and has been triggering more of the OCD which well, I think you can imagine the cycle.
This is just a phase. Recovery is not a linear process. We all have ups and downs. I will be okay again. I just need some extra help right now. It’s been a long while coming.
Stay safe lovelies. ❤ ❤ ❤ Keep on holding on.