And Breaking I Shall Be

Today’s Prompt | Blank

I feel . . . minimally.

I cannot cry from my internal pain. It’s so minimal, it may not even be considered pain.

I have relapsed in self-harm, in the OCD . . . and yet, I can barely feel.

I want to cry like the sky is dark and crashing into the light and crying now. I may go outside to just be in the rain. To try and feel. I feel that I cannot feel . . . not adequately.

I am losing myself into blankness. Into nothingness. The depression is so far at bay, it’s laughable. The OCD mingles with the whispers in my mind… its whispers. And still, I can barely feel.

Last night was difficult to fall asleep, to settle my wings into unburdened dreams. Eventually I managed, a variety of sound videos later to help cool my mind, as the OCD was reeling, deciding it’d be a merry time to obsess over obsessing.

I woke up from my slumber multiple times, coming close even to publishing words filled with aches and pains. But fear gripped me, minimally, that it may be too much fixation on the OCD, that it may be me giving further into its powers and that I was just another pawn yet again in its plans… So I found a new sound to listen to and fell back to slumber.

Because of this pattern, I am heavily exhausted. I feel a dense brush of evergreens in my mind, behind my solemn eyes, that cannot feel internally.

Why oh why must the tears be so hard to find?

I require a simple release. So tear I did into my innocent flesh. A blank space contorted into streaks of red lines, skin tearing apart from its clutches of home into the air of the unknown. A sting, a resolute crisp of my vision, alert and awake and present I felt – the rain came down and I could hear the singular droplets, the air became lighter, feelings evoked – and the short term relief dissipated . . . forgotten into scars and soon to be uncovered regret.

I fear these mere words aid only in the OCD lurking in my mind.

 

With emotion I say, it is not enough. I feel incapable of taking my own life, which is good, yet hellish. Yet this pain is so minimal, how could I forget? I know not where the journey goes from here. I am merely spent.

I feel as though I have acted unlike myself. This blankness, this foggy light, makes me forget who I am and why I am sat here forming words together and together, stringing them like lights over the branches.

I do not know. I cannot know.

This place is not for healing. It is for breaking. And breaking I shall be.

12 thoughts on “And Breaking I Shall Be

  1. I am so sorry you feel so awful honey 😦 If it’s any consolation this post is beautifully written, probably my favourite one ever, as you’re writing from your soul, it’s so deep. Bloody stunning writing. I feel very moved from your words as Life on the borderline said. Try not to feel too discouraged from your self-harming. You had a definite trigger yesterday and were vulnerable anyway. Please don’t be hard on yourself for that. Imagine me wrapping you in a soft blanket making you a warm drink and us having a giggle over our collective badassery and strong survivor spirit. I’m here for you poppet-always πŸ™‚ Xxx

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I’m so sorry you had such a tough night. So often it’s the obsession over our own obsessions and wishing we could be just a “normal person” for a few hours that make the night feel so long. Be gentle with yourself today – go to an emergency room if you feel out of control. I hope your Memorial Day is much more restful.
    With love.

    Liked by 1 person

    • So very true! I hate when obsessing about obsessing happens, it’s like the crude cycle has turned on itself and its upped the annoyance it all causes >_>

      I did sleep and read quite a bit! Luckily I’m feeling a lot better now, in the week, so that is exciting. =]
      Thank you for your sweet words!! I greatly appreciate it ❀ ❀ It's so wonderful to be a part of such a caring community!!

      Like

  3. This is beautifully written and bought tears to my eyes. I really hope that you’re okay today. I don’t have OCD but my partner of 10 years does and to see his struggles breaks my heart even now (we broke up 2 months ago 😒) . I feel for you sweetie πŸ’›. Xx

    Liked by 1 person

    • I’m sorry to hear that you two broke up and that he struggles so direly with the OCD 😦 That is very tough to see (from your perspective) and deal with (from his perspective). ❀ ❀ My heart goes out to him.

      And thank you very much, hun. Your words mean a lot and I'm honored that my writing could evoke such a response in you. ❀ I'm doing much better today, which is fabulous. :3 Life is just one big series of ups and downs, and when we go down, we just have to wait it out because we'll be going back up shortly.

      Hope you're doing all right, hun. ❀ Feel free to contact me any time you need it.

      Liked by 1 person

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