“This one’s for the Lonely, the ones that seek and find, Only to be Let down, Time after Time. This is for the ones who stand, for the Ones who think they can, For the ones who need a hand, for the Ones who Try again” – Comes and Goes in Waves – Greg Laswell (piano version)
This is for the Ones who are out there struggling, wherever you are in the world tonight, today. This is for the friends I’ve made who are struggling to hold onto hope and make it through their shitty times with life. This is for the Ones we’ve lost to suicide. This is for the Ones we still have yet to lose to suicide. And for everyone in between who feels worthless and alone and unloved and like a burden. This is for you, too.
This is for the ones we didn’t make it in time to save. This is for anyone out there struggling to make it through the day.
This is for me, letting go of the past. Accepting what I can control . . . and that which I cannot. No matter how difficult and sorrowful that is to make.
This is my public apology, for I am sorry to the Ones who have lost their lives, unable to feel joy and move through pain again. Unable to find that feelings are temporary and that pain ends, in this life, too. This is for the Ones who left this world prematurely. This is for the parts of me who resent that I haven’t followed in those empty footprints.
Trigger Warning: Suicidal themes. My perspective last year when I was suicidal. This is the poem I wrote, below, as my suicide note. I never used it. I began my third hospitalization June 2nd 2015. I’m glad that I did. ❤
May Our Souls Rest Tonight
Written May 29th 2015
It’s not easy to say goodbye.
It’s not easy to go before you’re due.
It’s not easy to live with a mental illness,
A physical illness,
We all have our struggles.
We all have something that keeps us up at night.
We all have our strengths….
I don’t know if this is my goodbye or not,
I wish it were different,
It may be different,
It could be different.
I don’t know how this story –
My story –
Will play out.
We don’t get to know the ending while we’re
Still here, alive. Existing.
Sometimes we’re just yanked from the world too soon,
By chance –
Or by our own hand.
It’s ugly when your brain turns against you.
It’s miserable being a prisoner in your own head.
And it can be seemingly impossible to make it
Through each day.
You’re strong if you make it through, I know it.
You’re amazing for having gotten up this morning.
You’re worth so much more than you know.
It is never and will never be your fault,
For the ones who have lives pulled away
From them too soon.
Sometimes we get to say goodbye,
And other times,
Words can’t encircle the pain in which we live
It’s neither right nor wrong.
Suicide just is.
To more people than you may know.
This will never be and has never been your fault,
I know you won’t hear me any longer,
So I can’t emphasize it enough —
My death by suicide was NOT your fault at all.
I did as much as I could.
You did as best as you could.
You did your best.
Maybe what I did wasn’t everything,
But we can’t always be everything.
Sometimes the storm just doesn’t let up,
But our resolve does,
And I can’t go on in this life with this pain.
I know I will regret my decision to depart prematurely,
I know it will cause such a grave pain throughout
All that I’ve known and had yet to know,
But I can’t hold on any longer.
I’ve tried my best,
And I can’t thank you all enough for bringing me
The joy and love and support
I’ve had in these 21 years.
I’m so thankful for the peace and friendship
And family I’ve had this whole time.
Thank you for helping me in part of my journey.
Thank you for existing, and I hope, and you better damn well,
Keep on existing for years after my own absence.
You are worth so god damn much.
If I could hold on longer, I’d hold on for you,
But this pain is too much for me,
And it’s time for me to let it go.
I’ll be okay.
I’ll be okay.
Depending upon your beliefs,
I’ll be either housing it up with the zombies
Or watching you from up above.
…. I am so sorry that this is how it ends,
Or how it may end….
I will miss you all so much.
And I know you will miss me too.
I’m so, so very sorry.
Be stronger than me. ❤
Take care of yourselves.
I love you so much.
This is not your fault.
This was my choosing.
Depression, OCD, they can be unforgiving.
Please do not follow me,
Take care of yourselves,
Get help when you need it,
Everybody deserves help,
And light and happiness in their lives.
There’s nothing I can say that will ever make this okay.
But these are my thoughts, for you, reading this.
I don’t know if anyone will ever even find it…
But it’s here,
For you to read,
When I may no longer be.
I’ll be with you, always.
I know it’s never easy saying goodbye.
But sometimes we just need to let go.
So, here we go:
Uncurl your fists,
Let your tears shed,
Curl up with one another,
Be there with comfort,
Treat yourself with compassion,
You will be all right again.
Let the breeze swipe through your hair,
Let the ocean sway your mood,
Let the light enter your shadowy world,
Everything will be okay.
I will always be but a memory away.
I love you.
I will miss you.
You did everything that you could.
I couldn’t have asked for a better time with my life.
Take care of my things.
You’ll have so much art to go through!
Get yourself help,
Because you will need all of the support you can gather.
There are groups, you know?
Surround yourself with others fighting for a cause.
Goodbye doesn’t come easy,
But letting go can be so beautifully freeing.
I’m one with the stars now,
Mixing into the universe,
There’s always so much more that could be said,
But I hope these words have fed some comfort,
It will be okay, I know it.
Letting go doesn’t have to be bad,
It can be releasing.
And we all need to be released.
I’m proud to those who’ve fought for as long as you have. I’m sorry that life wasn’t enough. May you rest peacefully. And may we do a better job as those left behind to prevent more lives lost for the future.
I’m sorry that for tonight I won’t be joining you. For that, I’ll thank myself in the morning.