For the past couple of weeks, I’ve been waking up extraordinarily early, going to bed between 9p and 11p (on the nights it was difficult to fall asleep) and waking from 4a, to 5a, to 6a, 7, 8a. -_- Often it’s early awakening to just check messages on WP and my email and I often fall back asleep for an hour or two, but still, it’s annoying as all hell.
Today I’ve woken up around 6am.
I still feel quite tired. And I feel bored, disinterested, uninspired and just plain bleh. I’ve been struggling with wanting to do the daily prompts lately, but not being inspired by them, getting sidetracked, or just not having any words to say about them. So here I am, a few days off, going to run through some of the past daily prompts, because I did have ideas for them, just lacked the output to do so (not that I’ve really gained it this time, either).
So this prompt will involve a little snippet of sorts. Carry on, now. ❤
Did you know the first most longstanding reaction from loved ones who have lost someone they care about to suicide is anger/betrayal? Apparently, it is. After a long while, then comes sadness and other emotions. But the first reaction, is anger.
It makes sense.
I remember my therapist telling me about a story from another patient she had years ago. The man’s daughter needed some type of organ transplant, and the man became so angry about his daughter waiting so long on the waiting list, that he used his anger and passion to call up the current White House President at the time. He requested incessantly to speak with the President, but the people working there were like ‘Sir, no, you can’t, Mr. President is very busy’ but he was so determined that he KEPT ringing them until FINALLY they let him through, and he was able to speak to the President and get his daughter the organ she needed.
Being angry can lead to a passionate stance and output some positivity!
There’s a nice quote from the book ‘The Piper’ in my book review post about anger, that you should totes head over and check out 😉
It was through the anger and triggered reaction from hearing about mental illness stigma that led my Mom to telling me to, instead of being angry and triggered and unable to see further than those reactions, to use that emotion to create a positive output. That’s how I started writing for the Mass Media, our school newspaper, about mental health and my experiences with it. =]
Because I’m not triggered by anything OCD related lately, and because I’m perpetually bored and disinterested with life at the moment, I’d like to list some of the things about OCD that really just piss me off.
These are my own experiences and my own projections often onto other people. Through blogging, I’ve come to realize how MUCH I actually project, oops. 😀
So, here we go:
- I hate reading people describe their OCD as “MY OCD”. In my mind, I’m always correcting it, saying THE OCD, because it just screws with my head a bit. Recently when I was organizing I found a bunch of notes where I was writing ‘my OCD’ and it just made me cringe. It leaves a taste of disgust in my mouth. >> Why?: My issues with Identity and ownership of an illness.
- I’m getting annoyed by reading about and interacting with the ‘OCD’ and/vs ‘Pure O’ (‘pure’ obsessional (the compulsions are mental rather than physical)) categories of the illness. Like, no, OCD is OCD. Stop categorizing shit into a bunch of indecipherable categories. >> Why?: My issues with making things more complicated than necessary. Again, OCD is OCD. If you want to call it the pink elephant, fine, go ahead, it doesn’t change the fact that OCD is still OCD. It’s a spectrum disorder. There are a LOT of things on that spectrum and OCD can be about ANYTHING. >> Why? My issues with having to further explain what Pure O is to people rather than just saying I deal with OCD and explaining from there. *sigh*
- The feeling of misunderstanding. I’ll get this feeling either when people can relate to my issues with genuine self-harm/suicide and feel misunderstood for the OCD portions of my experience or the opposite. >> Why? My issues with not being completely heard. Sure, there’s the depressive side of self-harm/suicide, but the more PROMINENT issue is the OCD side of self-harm/suicide. It’s like I can’t win either way. *sigh*
- People owning their identity as OCD. >> Why? My own obvious issues with identifying as OCD and why I can’t do that anymore. And if I do, how I run into trouble VERY fast. Also, you are MORE than a diagnosis. Don’t let the OCD win so fast.
- The terms “not that bad”, “it’s no big deal”, “just”, “only”. Trust me, when it DOES get “that bad” it’ll be so BAD that you won’t even have the judgment to understand or comprehend how BAD it is. OCD is serious. Regardless of its depth. Also, ‘just’ and ‘only’ can go fuck themselves. >> Why? My issues with saying, “Oh it’s JUST OCD, it’s no big deal….translating to… Oh I’m JUST going to kill myself, it’s really no big deal…. It’s just X amount of pills, no biggie! … I’m ONLY trying to kill myself, it’s really not that important… Oh it’s not that bad (when really it’s fucking BAD)” etc. >> Why? My issues with experiencing OCD and secondary depression and the contorted thought process that comes with. No ability to judge situations whatsoever. *shakes head*
- “Mild” OCD vs “Severe” OCD. >> Why? My issues with people’s potentially ‘mild’ OCD triggering off my ‘severe’ OCD or more accurately, people’s potentially ‘mild’ obsessive/compulsive TENDENCIES triggering off my ‘severe’ OCD… >> Why? My issues with identity, not seeing or recognizing my experiences as, lmao, “not that bad” and things along that line. >> Why? My issues with, what does ‘severe’ even mean? Pain is pain. Stop trying to categorize that shit.
- Whether or not something is “serious”. >> Why? My issues with trying to label depression vs label OCD and trying to decipher was was ‘serious’ vs ‘not serious’. >> Why? Clue: It was all serious. It was an emergency.
- Labeling. >> Why? It’s just another compulsion.
- Fixation on self-harm/suicide. >> Why? It’s a fucking compulsion.
- People who can write about creatively or blogging style about their OCD/struggles. >> Why? My issues with identity and fixating on self-harm, suicide, depression, OCD can be a compulsion. So, me no allowed to write about it. (I’m often better at telling whether something is me based or OCD based, so that helps now.)
- Other people’s predominantly anxiety/anxious response to OCD. >> Why? Although I do still get anxious at times from the OCD, it’s not my most prominent reaction. I find getting depression helped clear out a LOT of that anxiety. rofl.
- Stop assuming we ALL have the same experience. That goes for me, too. >> Why? ‘You’ generalizing statements. ‘Nough said. (using ‘I’ statements is better!)
And anything else is either not as important or I’ve just forgotten what the point of this list was.
Both are highly possible.
I guess another thing that angers me or annoys me is where other people are at in their recovery journey. There are so many hidden rules and boundaries that I don’t know where to begin on that issue. Maybe, for another time.
Anywho, time to blog more and find out the next few prompts!
Fuck the OCD.