Fuck Feelings | Book Review | RecoverytoWellness

Fuck Feelings by Michael and Sarah Bennett

First: Check out this professional writer’s official book review on this book who I happened to briefly meet on the T one day! Erick Trickey | Boston Globe

You can also check out his website for more goodies! **HERE**

Recommendation Score:

I recommend this book as a 5 stars out of 5. I recommend it to you, readers, especially ones who’ve dealt with trauma and mental health issues, as well as to anyone willing to open their eyes more to the world around them and what they can actually do to address unwanted emotions they may struggle with (often, by being reminded that you’ll still struggle with them yet learn how to handle them more effectively).

It’s a very interesting, goofy, and blunt account of self-help books out there, and it doesn’t bullshit you with lies or false hope. It points out the flaws in your thinking on particular subjects (love, communication, treatment, self-help, etc.), gives three succinct examples of those problematic situations and offers more legitimate and practical avenues of re-correcting your behavior (where possible), addressing ways of moving through those tough emotions, and reminding you what control you do have versus what you do NOT have. It’s a really great account of words slapped together to bring out some positive messages and well rounded reasons for why what you’d like to achieve is ideal but impossible and what ways actually exist for you to quantify your behavior and judge your performance based on a scale of numbers and logic rather than feelings.

It’s also funny with jokes at times and offers a short segment of what to tell yourself or whoever is having that particular problem in a letter format. It also helps to take the blame off yourself or to recognize when you’re getting trapped in over-responsibility. It’s a guide to which you could understand life a little more than before. At least, that’s my opinion of it. 🙂

Also, they mention some of the biological bases of our brains and how experience changes them and that some limitations exist due to our genes, our brains, and our programming so we may not be able to self-help ourselves into massive productivity. Rather, we have limits and recognizing them is important so you don’t feel like a failure when it’s no fault of your own.

Overarching Lessons I Gathered

I am now more aware, mindful and reminding of what I can and cannot control in life.
Any retaliation of anger or venting emotional feelings is unhelpful and you should just shut the fuck up instead
There are ways of quantifying and looking for data that’s concrete rather than subjective, like feelings are, in an open and pretty objective manner.
You can learn a lot about yourself and what you value and what you want out of life and a partner by sitting down and making a list of those values
Sometimes life is shit. But it’s how you handle it that really matters.
Life, and human beings, are a very strange concept.
It’s important to use your values to guide your behavior through what you want out of life rather than those fleeting, passing emotions.

“Le Quotes” that I think Are Particularly Outstanding

(More helpful questions for someone suffering from mental health issues) “How bad is it today? Are you safe? Is there anything you want me to do? Is anything helping much? It’s a big deal to get through a bad day.” – p. 116-117
“Many of us feel compelled to accept responsibility for the happiness of our loved ones, without question or limit, either because we’re the responsible type or we instinctively feel guilty if we fail. The sad fact of life however is that we’re often unable to help others feel better regardless of our motivation, intimacy and commitment. There are people who can’t help but always be in pain, whether from grief, physical or mental illness or even self-destructive actions they can’t perceive or stop. If they, other loved ones, and professional helpers can’t improve their suffering, there’s little chance you will. Know that you’ve done what you can to make someone happy. Tolerate unhappiness without flinching or blaming. Respect how well people pursue their values in spite of unhappiness” – p. 111 + 115
“Realistic Mantras to try if you feel an anxiety attack coming on: This too shall pass (and shall pass quicker if I take the special pill I always carry in my pocket), Life is a journey, not a destination and anxiety isn’t fatal, I can find my center and endure this day or find my boss and deal with this at home, I am a leaf on the wind, watch how I soar, listening to anything but my brain” – p. 162
“Don’t keep on fighting. You’ll just get more entrenched in a place you need to leave and a struggle you can’t win. Use every tool you can think of to detach yourself from caring without compromising your principles. Keep on being polite, doing your job and living up to your responsibilities. Remember, your prime responsibility is to meet your own standards as an individual, not to save the family or team from itself” – p. 311
“You have a right to feel pain, injustice, and unfairness when Assholes collide with your life, but your goal is to keep going down the road that is most meaningful to you. The more you strengthen your personal philosophies and see meaning in the good things you do, the better. Focus on finding your old purpose, sticking it out, and riding out the shit storm” – p. 313
“If you feel your therapist is doing a good job for you that no one else could and are worried that something will cut off your therapy and your lifeline, remember that feelings are not necessarily reality, and that severe depression and anxiety have their own way of making you feel like you’re much more vulnerable and dependent on treatment than you are” – p. 333
“Remember that there’s no such thing as “fair”, feelings are stupid, life is hard... and you’re going to be relatively okay, even if you won’t be happy, because your goals are realistic and your efforts to reach those goals will make you proud. Then, the next time life gives you a shit sandwich, slather that puppy in ketchup and enjoy. They’re on everyone’s menu” – p. 348
“In the end, you probably don’t need treatment for a long period of time and are better off relying on what you’ve learned and other sources of strength, knowledge, and comfort to manage problems. In other words, you may have moved on, but the time you and treatment shared together will always be special” – p. 331
“If someone says she was abused, you don’t need to know whether it actually happened. You do need to know whether she can now tolerate the normal lumps and bumps of a relationship without reliving the abuse and getting paranoid about someone who is a not so bad friend like you. You need to find out whether she can tolerate any pain and frustration without immediately doing whatever makes her feel better” – p. 306
“You must acknowledge your inability to protect your child from the consequences of his actions and do what you can to protect yourself and others without giving up any values, love and willingness to help when new opportunities arise” – p. 264
“If you have the opportunity, turn ensuing crises into teaching opportunities. Know that your effectiveness depends on urging people to do what their wiser side wants them to do, not what you want them to do. As usual, give yourself credit for effort, not results” – p. 243
“Approach every crisis negotiation hoping to do your best. If someone ignores your pleading and choose to make what you know is a mistake, let her know you tried everything to protect her, and that if she survives the fall, you’ll be there to help pick her up” – p. 238
“The unfun kind of fear is the common denominator of anxiety disorders and those who suffer from them often share, and run into, the same bullshit attitude that depressives have, their emotions must be understandable, like normal anxiety and sadness, so if they just figure out what’s bothering them, confront it and move on, they’ll be anxious no more. .. What you should do instead, is accept that life has simply given you a burden you must learn how to bear. You’re not immature, weak willed, or lacking in courage; you’re just stuck with a particular kind of chronic pain. You will never enjoy it, but you can learn to bear it, so no matter how much fear you’re experiencing you won’t be afraid to face each day as it comes” – p. 157
“Ultimately it’s not the amount you give, or the amount of pleasure you get out of it, but the amount of care you put into giving that matters” – p. 136
“…accepting your inability to rescue someone from addiction, an acceptance that is as hard as an addict’s accepting his or her inability to control addiction. Control your urge to help and you’ll be better able to help someone control their urge to use and give them a truly useful gift: the power to help themselves” – p. 118
“If you never stop feeling regret and a yearning for closure, consider it the price of experiencing something wonderful and having the kind of temperament that doesn’t let go. Learn how to live with the feeling of needing closure without paying attention to what it tells you. It will have less power over your life if you remind yourself that even if you can’t have what it wants, other things are more important. You haven’t lost your ability to do good things with life, even if it never loses its ability to do bad things for you” – p. 106
“Even people with the same beliefs often see the world differently, interpret the rules differently, and thus wind up betraying one another while feeling it’s the other guy’s fault” – p. 102
“It’s true some people may not accept your disability–especially if you don’t–and thus hold you responsible for underperforming. As much as their opinion may matter to you, don’t waste time and energy hiding from their scrutiny or trying to change their opinion. Stand by what you’ve learned from your own experience, which is that your disability is real and you’re doing your best with it” – (page unknown, early on though, I forgot to include it)