Hopefully, this will be a post that actually gets created and uploaded today, on the day it’s written, onto the blog. I can’t guarantee it, but if you wind up seeing it, I guess that will be answer enough.
I’ve thought about this daily prompt throughout the day today. With enough thought and because I’d just be lying about on my bed for a while longer, I figured I would, in fact, write for it. It’s been a long time since I’ve last accomplished a daily prompt, unfortunately. I’d like to think I’ll go back to write some but I can’t be sure…
First, I did my nails again this afternoon. 🙂 I cut my nails since they were getting long and I took off the chipping away pink polish and designed them a bit (myself!! Which I’m quite proud of) into an artsy fashion. They remind me of red velvet cake (’cause I was listening to a video about it as I made them ahaha), Christmas, frost, melting snow, the works. I’ll include some photos here. 🙂
Some of it has already started to mush away, but that’s okay, the majority of them still look snazzy as ever 😉
That took me a couple of hours to do my nails and listening to Youtube videos. I also completed ANOTHER coloring page, and I think I will share my two page spread and my most recent page with you all THIS Friday, after I get back from my psychiatrist’s appointment.
Tomorrow I have therapy in the afternoon, as I believe I mentioned some place else recently. I’m also going up to campus by noon to hang out with a friend and see Craig briefly. I have to also buy some more train passes before the price goes up in July 😛 (ew for sure!)
I haven’t quite started my next book yet, but it’s on my mind. I’ll be hanging out with some friends all the end of this week, my friend Elliot tomorrow, my friend Kobi on Saturday and my friend Jeanine on Sunday. I should make a list of these code names because I’m going to forget I made them at some point!! XD I’m really looking forward to seeing dogs on Sunday too, maybe even with Jeanine if she’s willing 🙂
I also added my mantra to my wrists again today, to help keep me believing and trusting in tomorrow. ❤
I made the font more fancy this time. Done in metallic purple and outlined the outer right of the words in metallic blue. Ink. “Stay Safe” phrase.
For a prompt named ’empty’ I have been filling it up with words, thus far! 🙂
I do want to address the title of this prompt though. ‘Empty words + Empty threats’. The OCD has been making me a lot of empty threats lately. I’ve been residing along Struggle Lane these past couple of days. I’ve acted on some compulsions, of which I am ashamed of and reluctant to admit, but I have also come to accept them and that is a HUGE step as I’ve been lying to myself about this particular issue since it began in February this year.
I’ve mentioned it briefly before on here, but I’d like to mention it more abruptly now. It works in line with my values of openness and honesty and I think it’s critical for me to be open about these struggles now as they are becoming more of a problem in my day to day than they have been in some other instances.
So, I am currently 3 weeks clean from scratching myself, and 1 day clean from another type of self-harm I’ve been engaging it. It’s not bruising per se because there are no bruises or marks left behind from it, but it does cause soreness that is physical.
In February I developed an obsession about my heartbeat, which is particularly annoying because as someone who identifies as a cardiophile (I’ve always gravitated towards breaking people down into the amazingness of our biological systems, particularly the wonders of the heart) the OCD jumping on this topic is unfair and annoying to say the least. Anywho, part of it was wanting to hear my heartbeat (which is pretty normal, I’d say!) and part of it was within the line of the suicide/self-harm obsessions in wanting to “feel” what it was like when my heart stopped beating. Yeah, not exactly the best of things. Lol.
I think my March I wound up acting on my thoughts by giving into it and buying a stethoscope, which again isn’t too intense of a step. It’s subtle and benign… Or so it began! I threw it out after a day of using it, ’cause I started tampering too much with it in a negative fashion (i.e. if you look up heartbeat files on Youtube you’ll find a whole community about it and some people engage in adding pressure to their chest (okay, I admit, this is embarrassing for me to type again) to see how it effects their heartbeat) in a way that I feel, ultimately, is a type of self-harm. Not so much intentionally but as an after effect. It definitely just feeds the OCD for me as it’s captured this topic, which again, just sucks.
I recall when I was severely depressed last year and could barely register my heartbeat and was more concerned with ending it then being comforted by it. It was a very strange and out of character time for me. But now with the OCD latched onto it, it’s just miserable and again focuses on ending my life. I’ve had images of me stabbing myself in the heart specifically but of course, I’ve never acted on that.
However, in May when I overdosed on some old medication of mine, initially I was trying to muck myself up by taking an old medication that fucked with my sinus rhythm of my heart so, again, it went from ‘benign’ to ‘serious’ VERY quick. I played around with pressure stuff a few times in April, I think, or at least in March. And definitely in May before I took the OD. I had the thought about the OD a day before it happened, with my biggest warning sign up and the next day I wound up acting on it.
Again, it was meant to be a way of fucking with my heart rhythm via the OCD obsession yet the medication I thought was there wasn’t there at all, but there was another medication around so I took that instead because, well, I could and I was already there… That became my disqualification of cleanliness from self-harm. I didn’t want it to be, but I did make it 9 months clean with 2 lapses, and that’s STILL a damn good record!!
So in truth, I relapsed in the start of May with an OD, I relapsed in scratching myself towards the end of May, and I relapsed a few more times since with this other form of self-harm via soreness/pressure shit.
I consider it a form of self-harm because I don’t know what I’m really doing. I don’t know if this could affect me long-term. I don’t know if I’m doing damage. And yet, it’s also incredibly addicting. But when I do it, I regret it, and feel shame and embarrassment over the nature of this type of obsession (I find heart stuff to just be intimate, you know?) and it just feeds the damn OCD cycle because then I’ll have another thought about it and I’ll want it to shut up so I’ll act on it but that just helps for a “time” and then I have the thought again and it’s this whole damn cycle.
In the past, I’ve made it a few weeks before relapsing with this type of self-harm. Which is good.
But as of right now, with acting on other compulsions of fixating on the OCD and having tea parties with it, I’ve been struggling a lot more.
I wish I could go inpatient for a while so I’d be away from the stuff I’m using to perform this type of self-harm. I recognize that finding video files about it is a big trigger for me to wind up acting on it, so I’ve got to limit myself some way so I don’t fall into that pattern. I also know that being tired is a trigger and a time where I’m more vulnerable. I’ve caught myself a few times today from acting on the obsessive thought, and it’s given me the urges to do it and to scratch myself and then to just try and kill myself.
I was thinking about it a lot yesterday and I came to some conclusions. Some of it involves positive coping strategies that are more effective and better for me to engage in instead of those self-harm behaviors. Part of it involves keeping two separate records of cleanliness from the types of self-harm (i.e scratching vs pressure? I don’t know what I’ll call it exactly. And in case anyone gets the wrong idea, I don’t believe my interest in heart stuff is a fetish, not for me at least. Then again, my sexual education is 5% of 100, so, I know very little about that area of life). I’ve made a list of the consequences from the pressure self-harm actions. Steps I can take to limit my behavior of it. And then I dumped out some additional thoughts in a composition notebook because it related more to the OCD.
In doing that, I found that I’ve been avoiding my ERPs because I’m afraid to let go of the lies the OCD has told me about suicide. Part of me still wants to believe the OCD to make it easier for me to do away with myself, rather than recognizing how badly it’d impact those around me and myself and more. Kind of like ignorance is bliss.
I also feel that, as of yesterday’s musings and less of right now’s writings, that I feel unsafe because I don’t feel unsafe. As in, if you left out a bottle of pills and assuming we were in the same building and I had access to them, I would definitely take them and ask questions later. Preferably if they were painkillers.
It’s a much different state than I’ve been in before, because I do NOT feel suicidal. Yet, I could engage in suicidal behaviors… So what does that make me?
I genuinely do not know. (I’ll be discussing this with my therapist tomorrow, don’t worry)
I’ve been feeling that I am SO well medicated lately that I don’t feel the depths of depression like I once did. And in that way, I do not feel suicidal. Yet, if I had the ‘opportunity’ (I KNOW how that sounds and I KNOW it’s horrible) I would act on it. For the lamest reason of just having something to do. Can you imagine that? Killing one’s self over just saying fuck it, it was something to do?
I just don’t have the ‘opportunity’.
And what’s worse is I’m convincing myself so much that I can’t go inpatient because I’m not suicidal. Yet if I did go inpatient, now’s just not the right time. And that sucks too because I keep waiting it out so damn effectively and then being okay again once that ‘crisis’ is over with. So then I REALLY can’t get extra help because I’m ‘all right’ again. Talk about another circular cycle!
It’s very strange to be in a place where I actually wish I could be suicidal so that I could get the help I feel I need. I’m not used to this level of treatment, of working through exposures on the outside, as a part of the world. I’m used to inpatient units for periods of intense crises.
I also know that part of this comes from the idea I have in my head that if I just act on the OCD thoughts again and realize that it’s telling me a bunch of bullshit, I’ll be so filled with regret that I won’t act on it again (for at least 6 months until it wears off again and leads me back to this moment). I don’t know how to do these exposures over an extended period of time. I feel I only know how to act, and act now on the thoughts in my mind. Yet, I know that that’s not a treatment plan. That’s practically a death wish… But I don’t know what else to do. And doing something feels better than doing nothing. But why would I even bother trying to kill myself?
It’s a mess and a vent, I swear.
I wanted to stay away from the blog today because of how I was feeling because I know that fixating on these issues just feeds into the OCD and its spiral. But it’s starting to wear me down and I’m getting irritable and I don’t know what to do exactly, even though I kind of do, and I should likely call a hotline or consider inpatient options but I don’t want to get involved with all the financial concerns of that and I’d like to make it through the weekend. Again, that’s always my problem. I want to make it through X day, and then it comes and these feelings go and I’m left behind just having to dwindle my time until the next round comes and I still avoid getting treatment all over again.
I wish someone would call me out on my bullshit, just get me to the damn hospital already. But it’s too much to ask for, and for very little reason.
Anywho, it’s 11p now. I need my rest. I may be able to post before I leave tomorrow and then in the evening, if I can gather up the energy to do so. I may not be home until 7p or so, not sure.
Empty threats, just a bunch of empty threats. . . .