Fanfic, Sleepiness + Update

June 23rd Prompt ~ Awe

PHEW!!!!

So, I JUST finished updating my Avengers fanfiction on FF.net I’m still not sure if I will submit the story onto this blog, but I will put up the link for whose ever eyes are yearning to read it. Do be warned though, this is the summary of the piece:

As a struggling adolescent and misunderstood younger brother, Loki wishes for his father to be proud of him and accept him for who he is. Feeling unloved, he seeks to gain control of his world through food. What begins as a coping strategy leads to an eating disorder that threatens to take from him his very life. Will finding new friends and purpose change his outcome?

So, this work of fanfiction deals with triggering content like EDs and suicidality as well as depression and other mental health issues. You have been warned. (Chp 6 is the darkest one so far).

Distorted & Disordered – My fanfic

I just got up Chp 7 which is what I worked on and wrote up today LIKE A BOSS! I’m hoping to do Chp 8 over this weekend…although, I’ll be hanging out with friends, so maybe between Fri – Sat instead XD Forgot about that!

Also, I’ve started reading my next book (got that Intruders book on hold in the library (I’m waiting for that final moon book to come in so I can pick them both up) and it is pretty neat so far. I love the detail of it thus far, and it’s starting to pick up a bit of speed now, even though it’s only 30 pages in. I can’t wait to see what the rest holds! It’s about 330 pages long, I think.


Have you guys ever listened to ASMR videos? This is one I’m listening to in the background right now:

πŸ˜€


I slept terribly last night so I’m actually pretty excited to get to bed tonight. XD I finally took a shower after quite a few days without today and it was nice and relaxing. I was moving like a snail but I still made the train in time!

I got some video messages from Queen Bee too, and those helped me to smile. πŸ™‚

I also got a message from a friend today too, which I should get back to replying to!!

I hung out with Elliot today and we spent time each writing fanfictions, and I stopped by and hung out with Craig too, and am facing a little bit of trouble with the employment stuff but hopefully it can all be figured out. :/

Therapy went all right. I felt like internally I was screaming and I didn’t voice all of my concerns, not right away at least, so that’s something I have to wait to deal with until next week. For now, it looks like I’ll just be coping effectively and positively and keeping myself structured and busy so that I’m spending less time on Struggle Lane and more time in Recovery House. I may even create some type of metaphorical drawing map for this–which HEY! Reminds me I had a dream about drawing a dream house last night….which sucks because it was COOL but doesn’t exist! D: Nuuuuu

Tomorrow I’ve got my psychiatrist’s in the morning. I am thinking of setting aside some days to particular art, with Friday’s being scrapbooking days. I think if I wind up doing a scrapbook page on say a Tuesday, whatever art designated for Tuesday’s I can then just move to the scrapbook day (Friday). Worth a shot to figure something out!!

I think I’ll be trying to read two books by Mon/Wed. And I’ll be up at school again next Wed. I’m still feeling that mood for making bracelets, as well as some photography. One of the things my Mom and I had looked at in Pier 1 Imports were lanterns and so the one we bought is giving me some very nice art vibes. Also, I can also work on that gift art too.

Did I tell you guys I signed up for that Stats class? Well, I did. Fun fun!

Anywho, I think I’m going to scurry off now. I swear I used the word ‘awe’ in my Chp 7 of the fanfic. Looks like if you wanna see that you’re gonna need to read it…. BUAHAHAA!

 

Look out tomorrow for coloring pages!! πŸ˜€ And, hopefully I can be up to some other good news and surprises from my short sleeves! πŸ™‚ ❀ ❀ ❀

 

Stay safe, peeps.

Empty Words + Empty Threats

June 22nd Prompt . . . Empty

Hopefully, this will be a post that actually gets created and uploaded today, on the day it’s written, onto the blog. I can’t guarantee it, but if you wind up seeing it, I guess that will be answer enough.

I’ve thought about this daily prompt throughout the day today. With enough thought and because I’d just be lying about on my bed for a while longer, I figured I would, in fact, write for it. It’s been a long time since I’ve last accomplished a daily prompt, unfortunately. I’d like to think I’ll go back to write some but I can’t be sure…

First, I did my nails again this afternoon. πŸ™‚ I cut my nails since they were getting long and I took off the chipping away pink polish and designed them a bit (myself!! Which I’m quite proud of) into an artsy fashion. They remind me of red velvet cake (’cause I was listening to a video about it as I made them ahaha), Christmas, frost, melting snow, the works. I’ll include some photos here. πŸ™‚

IMG_00002545

Keeping this as individual images so you can see the full effect from a further back perspective.

IMG_00002547

I think nail art is something I’m going to dabble in in the future, so I can keep getting better at it! πŸ™‚

Some of it has already started to mush away, but that’s okay, the majority of them still look snazzy as ever πŸ˜‰

That took me a couple of hours to do my nails and listening to Youtube videos. I also completed ANOTHER coloring page, and I think I will share my two page spread and my most recent page with you all THIS Friday, after I get back from my psychiatrist’s appointment.

Tomorrow I have therapy in the afternoon, as I believe I mentioned some place else recently. I’m also going up to campus by noon to hang out with a friend and see Craig briefly. I have to also buy some more train passes before the price goes up in July πŸ˜› (ew for sure!)

I haven’t quite started my next book yet, but it’s on my mind. I’ll be hanging out with some friends all the end of this week, my friend Elliot tomorrow, my friend Kobi on Saturday and my friend Jeanine on Sunday. I should make a list of these code names because I’m going to forget I made them at some point!! XD I’m really looking forward to seeing dogs on Sunday too, maybe even with Jeanine if she’s willing πŸ™‚

IMG_00002552

It took a few tries to do this since some of the nail polish in our home is verrrry old and likely unusable now. Anywho, the bottom coat is a wine color, then I added the sparkles and then the white dripping frosting effect πŸ™‚ And yes, I did go everywhere with the nail polish, that’s okay though!!! Perfection doesn’t exist anyhow πŸ˜‰

I also added my mantra to my wrists again today, to help keep me believing and trusting in tomorrow. ❀

This slideshow requires JavaScript.

I made the font more fancy this time. Done in metallic purple and outlined the outer right of the words in metallic blue. Ink. “Stay Safe” phrase.

 

For a prompt named ’empty’ I have been filling it up with words, thus far! πŸ™‚

I do want to address the title of this prompt though. ‘Empty words + Empty threats’. The OCD has been making me a lot of empty threats lately. I’ve been residing along Struggle Lane these past couple of days. I’ve acted on some compulsions, of which I am ashamed of and reluctant to admit, but I have also come to accept them and that is a HUGE step as I’ve been lying to myself about this particular issue since it began in February this year.

I’ve mentioned it briefly before on here, but I’d like to mention it more abruptly now. It works in line with my values of openness and honesty and I think it’s critical for me to be open about these struggles now as they are becoming more of a problem in my day to day than they have been in some other instances.

So, I am currently 3 weeks clean from scratching myself, and 1 day clean from another type of self-harm I’ve been engaging it. It’s not bruising per se because there are no bruises or marks left behind from it, but it does cause soreness that is physical.

In February I developed an obsession about my heartbeat, which is particularly annoying because as someone who identifies as a cardiophile (I’ve always gravitated towards breaking people down into the amazingness of our biological systems, particularly the wonders of the heart) the OCD jumping on this topic is unfair and annoying to say the least. Anywho, part of it was wanting to hear my heartbeat (which is pretty normal, I’d say!) and part of it was within the line of the suicide/self-harm obsessions in wanting to “feel” what it was like when my heart stopped beating. Yeah, not exactly the best of things. Lol.

I think my March I wound up acting on my thoughts by giving into it and buying a stethoscope, which again isn’t too intense of a step. It’s subtle and benign… Or so it began! I threw it out after a day of using it, ’cause I started tampering too much with it in a negative fashion (i.e. if you look up heartbeat files on Youtube you’ll find a whole community about it and some people engage in adding pressure to their chest (okay, I admit, this is embarrassing for me to type again) to see how it effects their heartbeat) in a way that I feel, ultimately, is a type of self-harm. Not so much intentionally but as an after effect. It definitely just feeds the OCD for me as it’s captured this topic, which again, just sucks.

I recall when I was severely depressed last year and could barely register my heartbeat and was more concerned with ending it then being comforted by it. It was a very strange and out of character time for me. But now with the OCD latched onto it, it’s just miserable and again focuses on ending my life. I’ve had images of me stabbing myself in the heart specifically but of course, I’ve never acted on that.

However, in May when I overdosed on some old medication of mine, initially I was trying to muck myself up by taking an old medication that fucked with my sinus rhythm of my heart so, again, it went from ‘benign’ to ‘serious’ VERY quick. I played around with pressure stuff a few times in April, I think, or at least in March. And definitely in May before I took the OD. I had the thought about the OD a day before it happened, with my biggest warning sign up and the next day I wound up acting on it.

Again, it was meant to be a way of fucking with my heart rhythm via the OCD obsession yet the medication I thought was there wasn’t there at all, but there was another medication around so I took that instead because, well, I could and I was already there… That became my disqualification of cleanliness from self-harm. I didn’t want it to be, but I did make it 9 months clean with 2 lapses, and that’s STILL a damn good record!!

So in truth, I relapsed in the start of May with an OD, I relapsed in scratching myself towards the end of May, and I relapsed a few more times since with this other form of self-harm via soreness/pressure shit.

 

I consider it a form of self-harm because I don’t know what I’m really doing. I don’t know if this could affect me long-term. I don’t know if I’m doing damage. And yet, it’s also incredibly addicting. But when I do it, I regret it, and feel shame and embarrassment over the nature of this type of obsession (I find heart stuff to just be intimate, you know?) and it just feeds the damn OCD cycle because then I’ll have another thought about it and I’ll want it to shut up so I’ll act on it but that just helps for a “time” and then I have the thought again and it’s this whole damn cycle.

In the past, I’ve made it a few weeks before relapsing with this type of self-harm. Which is good.

But as of right now, with acting on other compulsions of fixating on the OCD and having tea parties with it, I’ve been struggling a lot more.

 

I wish I could go inpatient for a while so I’d be away from the stuff I’m using to perform this type of self-harm. I recognize that finding video files about it is a big trigger for me to wind up acting on it, so I’ve got to limit myself some way so I don’t fall into that pattern. I also know that being tired is a trigger and a time where I’m more vulnerable. I’ve caught myself a few times today from acting on the obsessive thought, and it’s given me the urges to do it and to scratch myself and then to just try and kill myself.

I was thinking about it a lot yesterday and I came to some conclusions. Some of it involves positive coping strategies that are more effective and better for me to engage in instead of those self-harm behaviors. Part of it involves keeping two separate records of cleanliness from the types of self-harm (i.e scratching vs pressure? I don’t know what I’ll call it exactly. And in case anyone gets the wrong idea, I don’t believe my interest in heart stuff is a fetish, not for me at least. Then again, my sexual education is 5% of 100, so, I know very little about that area of life). I’ve made a list of the consequences from the pressure self-harm actions. Steps I can take to limit my behavior of it. And then I dumped out some additional thoughts in a composition notebook because it related more to the OCD.

In doing that, I found that I’ve been avoiding my ERPs because I’m afraid to let go of the lies the OCD has told me about suicide. Part of me still wants to believe the OCD to make it easier for me to do away with myself, rather than recognizing how badly it’d impact those around me and myself and more. Kind of like ignorance is bliss.

 

I also feel that, as of yesterday’s musings and less of right now’s writings, that I feel unsafe because I don’t feel unsafe. As in, if you left out a bottle of pills and assuming we were in the same building and I had access to them, I would definitely take them and ask questions later. Preferably if they were painkillers.

It’s a much different state than I’ve been in before, because I do NOT feel suicidal. Yet, I could engage in suicidal behaviors… So what does that make me?

I genuinely do not know. (I’ll be discussing this with my therapist tomorrow, don’t worry)

I’ve been feeling that I am SO well medicated lately that I don’t feel the depths of depression like I once did. And in that way, I do not feel suicidal. Yet, if I had the ‘opportunity’ (I KNOW how that sounds and I KNOW it’s horrible) I would act on it. For the lamest reason of just having something to do. Can you imagine that? Killing one’s self over just saying fuck it, it was something to do?

I just don’t have the ‘opportunity’.

And what’s worse is I’m convincing myself so much that I can’t go inpatient because I’m not suicidal. Yet if I did go inpatient, now’s just not the right time. And that sucks too because I keep waiting it out so damn effectively and then being okay again once that ‘crisis’ is over with. So then I REALLY can’t get extra help because I’m ‘all right’ again. Talk about another circular cycle!

It’s very strange to be in a place where I actually wish I could be suicidal so that I could get the help I feel I need. I’m not used to this level of treatment, of working through exposures on the outside, as a part of the world. I’m used to inpatient units for periods of intense crises.

I also know that part of this comes from the idea I have in my head that if I just act on the OCD thoughts again and realize that it’s telling me a bunch of bullshit, I’ll be so filled with regret that I won’t act on it again (for at least 6 months until it wears off again and leads me back to this moment). I don’t know how to do these exposures over an extended period of time. I feel I only know how to act, and act now on the thoughts in my mind. Yet, I know that that’s not a treatment plan. That’s practically a death wish… But I don’t know what else to do. And doing something feels better than doing nothing. But why would I even bother trying to kill myself?

It’s a mess and a vent, I swear.

 

I wanted to stay away from the blog today because of how I was feeling because I know that fixating on these issues just feeds into the OCD and its spiral. But it’s starting to wear me down and I’m getting irritable and I don’t know what to do exactly, even though I kind of do, and I should likely call a hotline or consider inpatient options but I don’t want to get involved with all the financial concerns of that and I’d like to make it through the weekend. Again, that’s always my problem. I want to make it through X day, and then it comes and these feelings go and I’m left behind just having to dwindle my time until the next round comes and I still avoid getting treatment all over again.

I wish someone would call me out on my bullshit, just get me to the damn hospital already. But it’s too much to ask for, and for very little reason.

 

Anywho, it’s 11p now. I need my rest. I may be able to post before I leave tomorrow and then in the evening, if I can gather up the energy to do so. I may not be home until 7p or so, not sure.

Empty threats, just a bunch of empty threats. . . .

This World We Live In | Book Review

This World We Live In by Susan Beth Pfeffer. Book 3 of 4.


Prior books in the series:

  1. Life as we knew it
  2. The Dead & The Gone

PLOT LINE:

Β This is the third book in a series of four. The premise of the series is that an asteroid has hit the moon and pushed it closer towards Earth, which causes a post-apocalyptic world in which volcanoes erupt producing ash into the air, tsunamis and earthquakes occur, drought and famine, illness and lots of death. The story follows first, Miranda, and her family of older brother Matt and little brother Jon, her Mom and their cat, Horton, through the first summer and winter of their new world and the trials and tribulations that accompany them as they try desperately to live despite the odds against them.

In the second book, we follow Alex Morales, a Puerto Rican brother whose older brother, Carlos is in the marines, and his two younger sisters Briana and Julie are left to themselves as their parents (Mom at work in the hospital and Papi in Puerto Rico for his mother’s funeral) have disappeared, and presumed dead, to the new world that’s rocked their ships overboard. They stay as long as they can in New York City, before the sickness and more death plagues them as well. With a heartbreaking end to one of the sisters lives, (I totally cried at that bit personally and once I finished the book went over a long plot line to my Mom about what it was about) it’s up to Alex to take responsibility for his last sister, try to find Carlos and what they should do next, and ultimately move away from the death grip on NYC to better times and better lives ahead.

The third book, this one, is where Miranda meets Alex and Julie. Along with them, Matt has become married to a girl named Syl when Jon and he went fishing for shad to feed the family. Then came in baby Gabriel, Lisa (step-mom) and Dad (of Miranda and the two brothers) as well as a new friend, Charlie, as they’ve all six of them traveled in a pack since they met up a couple months before. Alex feels like a burden on Miranda’s family and ensures them that they’ll be leaving soon, but until they do Jon and Julie form a budding relationship and Alex and Miranda wind up doing similar (after some build up and attractive tension). Alex, Miranda, Julie and the Dad go out from the PA (Pennsylvania) area to find the convent for Julie, but when they arrive there is only one sister left and they wind up back in PA. It’s discovered that Alex has passes to a safe town and Miranda decides to go with him and for them to marry and wed. It would take care of their Dad and Lisa and the baby and Charlie–until a tornado hits the town and another, very sad and had me sobbing loss of life occurs in a tragic, heartbreaking manner that REALLY makes reading this series SO WORTH THE MOURNING. In the end, what’s left of their family is moving out from the broken edge of their town to find a better place.

I actually tried not to give away too much this time!! And onward we go…..


My Recommendation Score:

5/5 STARS. Worth reading two other books prior to REALLY feel the sadness of the character deaths and to get to know them better (so when they rip away for you it hurts and you cry just like I did. BUAHAHAH)

Who doesn’t like a good cry, anyhow? πŸ˜‰


QUOTES + Some of my THOUGHTS:

  1. “‘The shad’s not the problem,’ Mom said, which could have fooled me, since the shad had been the problem thirty seconds earlier” – p. 41

A humorous scene that made me laugh πŸ™‚ There are a couple quotes like these for you to get some of the humor filled within this series ❀

2. “And I had this great realization: I don’t have to be happy all the time. With [everything’s that happened] no one should expect to be happy. But moments of happiness can sneak up on you, like pairs of unworn blue jeans, and you need to cherish them because they’re so rare and unpredictable” – p. 77

I think this quote is poignant for both what happens in this series, to the characters and to the town, as well as it’s relatable to the present moment, the journey of recovery and getting over and through the wreckage that’s lasted for the duration of time you’ve been in the darkness. It’s a quote about hope and joy and cherishing them no matter how fleeting they may come to you. ❀ Remember, feelings are temporary, both the good and the bad. ❀ Hold them in a jar, glowing in the night, then let them go when their light starts to putter out. It won’t be forever that you’ll have no light in the jar, it’s just that sometimes we have to pass through some part of the journey with the light within us glowing rather than the world around us. Even if we don’t realize that light within us is glowing again. It is. Always. ❀

3. “It’s nice to know the first thing he’d noticed about me was my ravishing collection of black-and-blue marks” – p. 129

Another humorous bit here πŸ˜‰

4. “‘Picture Princess Leia on her planet, or a Klingon, or some eight-eyed thing with four brains. And whatever it is, it’s outside on a hot June night, looking at the ten thousand stars in its sky. Our Sun is one of them. It can see our Sun better than we can, and it has a name for it, like we have names for the stars. But Princess Leia doesn’t know we’re standing here looking up to where the stars used to be. Does that mean we don’t exist just because she can’t see us?’

I had never thought about that before: all the life on all the other planets throughout the universe as unaware of our lives, our suffering, as we are of theirs” – p. 140

In this passage the characters were talking about whether or not God exists and how we can’t see him so one of the characters brought up this metaphor and it was a breakthrough for our narrator, Miranda, who made a lovely discovery thereafter. I just love this. It’s beautiful and thought-provoking. I hope you enjoy it as well ❀ It makes me want to take a moment of silence to just open my mind to the possible enjoyment and suffering that is going on throughout our planet and our universe in this one sliver of a moment, and speak my thoughts out to them and just, for a moment, be aware that someone somewhere may be suffering and that I, some other human some place else, is thinking of them and wishing them through their hard time. ❀

5. “But it’s our curse and our blessing to remember the past and to know there’s a future” – p. 148

I think this is really relatable as well. Especially to know there’s a future. Sometimes it’s easier to imagine there not being a future, but that’s just another lie to ourselves, I think. Right now, I’m finding it difficult to know there’s a future for me, and in that, I take some solace with it as well. I can recall the past and it’s difficult, and I can know there’s a future for me, which is also difficult and also hopeful. I may not feel I can make it to that future, as I have in the past, but I made it to here and now which IS a blessing, even if it may not always feel like it. I will take a moment to just believe in that. ❀

6. “‘You. Charlie. Everybody. You talk about the future like you’re so sure we’re going to have one’ (Miranda).

You have to believe in the future. Otherwise there’s no point in being alive‘ (Alex)” – p. 150

This is a very common theme in the book as you will see through these quotes. I’m glad it is, it’s very relatable. I find this is true for right now. The future is something for me to hold on to. It’s something that slips through my hand like sand but it’s real and it’s coming and I’m going to be here for it when it does. Is that easy? No. But it’s something to hold onto. And I like having things to hold onto. ❀

7. “‘You don’t have to believe in the church or even in God. Believe that people can change things’ (Alex).

We’re all helpless. There’s nothing we can do. There’s nothing left to trust in.’ (Miranda)

Trust in tomorrow. Every day of your life, there’s been a tomorrow. I promise you, there’ll be a tomorrow‘ (Alex)” – p. 150

Today I’m trusting in tomorrow. If you, too, are struggling, I invite you to also trust in tomorrow. We can both trust in our tomorrow’s together. Never alone, just side by side, trusting in them. ❀ ❀ ❀

This also reminds me of this song:

8. “‘I’m sorry for everything.’ (Alex)

‘It’s okay, it was just a dream.’ (Miranda) ” – p. 151

This scene in the book has a little dream metaphor, and it is lovely and is worth the read for this series. ❀

9. “Life’s sloppy. You think you know how tomorrow is going to be, you’ve made your plans, everything is set in place, and then the unimaginable happens. Life catches you by surprise. It always does. But there’s good mixed in with the bad. It’s there. You just have to recognize it” – p. 177

There’s positive with the negative. Look hard enough, make notes of it as you do, and you WILL find it. There is ALWAYS HOPE! ❀ ❀ Believe in a better tomorrow πŸ™‚

10. “I want him so much. I want the wall between us to dissolve, for us to be alone, to be together, to be one. Then my doubts would be gone. My nightmares would be gone. All there would be is Alex and me. Two bodies. One heart” – p. 179

For the lovebirds out there reading this. ❀ A simple shout-out πŸ˜‰

11. “Mom took my hand. ‘This wasn’t how things were supposed to be. You should be in high school, your future ahead of you. Not this.’

‘It wasn’t supposed to be this way for Alex, either. Or Matt. Or Jon.

You have to fight for happiness. Maybe it didn’t used to be that way, but it is now.

I’m not going to settle for sadness. That’s not what you want for me, not really.’

‘I want to protect you. I want to know that you’re safe, that you’ll be all right.’

Just love me. Love me and let me go‘” – p. 207-208

This scene is a double whammy. For one, the ‘supposed to be’ part reminds me of the Grey’s Anatomy Lexie/Sloan relationship and their final parting of ‘meant to be’:

The second wave of it is with Miranda’s ending, that she wants her Mom just to love her and to let her go. Letting go is such a magical, heartfelt and sad theme for me and it really blew me away the finality and poignancy of this scene in the book. I just love it. It’s so critical for these two characters and of the book itself. I love it. ❀ ❀

Also, I love the idea of not settling for sadness. I feel that’s the spunk that’s needed in recovery, to not settle for your brain’s bullshit. Instead to fight and fight strong like the WARRIOR & SURVIVOR you are!!! (Especially when you don’t feel you are yet you ARE by your actions and your values)

12. “She began to cry. ‘Don’t leave me. Please. I made Alex promise he’d never leave me to die alone” – p. 231

THIS SCENE. If the dream sequence doesn’t pull you in, then THIS SCENE WILL. It’s so beautifully heartbreaking, so utterly sad, so much ‘letting go’ and just had me sobbing like a baby. It’s amazing. It really brings out the love and attachment you’ve formed with the characters along the journey and it really HITS YOU IN THE FEELS. It’s so, sooooo beautiful. I wish I could express it more, and put in the whole scene for you guys, but it’s meant to be read more than anything. So beautiful. So sad. It took me a while to get all the details aligned in my mind but they are THERE and the flow of this book and leading up to this scene, god, it makes you really think about life and question what you’re doing or not doing. Amazing.

13. “But we can’t stay here. The house is falling in on us. It’s collapsing, Alex, but you have to believe the world is still there. The house is gone, Howell (town) may be gone, but there’s a world to live in, a world that needs us. We’re family, Alex. You’re a part of us” – p. 236-237

Another double wave dose. I love the idea that the world is still out there. Like, when I am struggling, the world hasn’t gone any place else, it’s still there and it’s still there for me to welcome myself back into it. I can go out, I can go to a store, there’s freakin’ STATIONARY THAT EXISTS. And while I exist too, I can HAS THE STATIONARY. And I love the part that the world still needs them. This world still needs me. I have to believe and trust in that tomorrow. Because I’m not done with this story yet. ❀ ❀ ❀ ❀ ❀ (and neither are you!!!)

14. “This is the last time I’m writing in my diaries. I’m choosing not to burn them. They’re witness to my story, to all our stories. If I burn them it’s like denying Mom ever lived or Jon or Matt or Syl… I can’t deny them their stories just to protect mine… I’ll leave the diaries behind. I’ll never write in one again.

My story is told. Let someone else write the next one” – p. 238-239

I just love this. I like the idea that Miranda’s diary is a witness to her story and all those she wrote about. It fits into this post-apocalyptic world AND it fits into our real world now. If you think about it, this blog is a witness to my story, just as yours is to you. I like the idea of not denying others of their story, of protecting theirs while telling your own. It’s what makes code names and a change of the story so much more interesting and protects what others may not be ready to tell, even if you are. ❀

I also love the idea that Miranda’s story has been told, and that someone else will have to write the next one. That just makes me smile. πŸ˜€ I also have a thing for stories being told, as you can imagine. πŸ˜‰ It’s a little spooky and eerie thinking of when the last story will be told…. *shudders* Oooo! Sppooookyyy.

15. “Without Julie I wouldn’t have remembered that the darkest sky is filled with stars, that the sun casts its warmth on the coldest day.

Alex is calling to me. I’ll go with him, stand with him, hold his hand as he takes his first steps toward life.

He taught me to trust in tomorrow” – p. 239

A really beautiful quote here. ❀ I just love it, like I’ve loved this book and series. I was glad that while I was reading this book I could recall scenes and conversations from the prior two, that was really neat and really showed that I’d invested myself into their lives and their troubles. It’s one of those books where when you finish it (and you’ve sucked up your days to finish it) you look up and have to take a few hours to re-adjust to THIS world again. It’s like ‘Oh right, we’re NOT in a apocalypse and we HAVE electricity and things and soap and food and the moon IS in its place…. Riiight’ It’s kind of dizzying but in a really awesome way.

Like when you see an intense movie and you walk out of the theater like ‘Right, there’s not dinosaurs running around going to consume me and I have to run for my life.’ Or there aren’t superheroes or Loki’s army around…. which is too bad, really. πŸ˜‰

I like that I’ve learned to trust in tomorrow from this book. That’s an awesome life lesson.

 

And as of now, towards this end, I am feeling much better and lighter than before. I hope you guys are all right. And if you’re having trouble, invest in a book to read, it may just help your day. ❀ ❀ ❀

Thinking I may go outside today…as I begin my next fictional journey!!! “He’s Gone” by Deb Caletti. πŸ™‚

 

Hope you liked this!!!

 

P.S.!!! This book had that prayer ‘If I should die before I wake, I pray the Lord my soul to take’ and it totally reminded me of this book I read YEARRRRSSS AGO that used that same prayer multiple times and after some DIGGING I FOUND IT! I cannot WAIT to re-read it!!!!!

“The Intruders” by E.E. Richardson. πŸ˜€

 

Behind the Scenes

So, as my Queen Bee had noticed, I’ve been awfully quiet these past few days. While I’ve struggled a bit today, I am quite all right, all things considered. πŸ™‚

Here is a sneak peek behind the scenes of what I’ve been up to and what’s going on behind the blog.

 

IMG_00002531

A doodle I was working on in Mama Mia’s restaurant when my Mom and I went out on Friday. June 17th

IMG_00002533

A *NEW* backpack I got for myself (I’ve been eyeballing these for a while and have been thinking of either a backpack or a tote bag for…) art supplies when I go up to school/Boston as a replacement or adjunct (during school) for my backpack. πŸ™‚ ❀ Originally $30 but on clearance at Target for $9!!! HELLA STEAL! (Deal? Hmmm…) June 20th

IMG_00002532

I freakin’ LOVE stationary. That is all.

IMG_00002536

Painted this background of cardboard yesterday in the style of a RAINBOW ’cause I wanted to pretty it up for my next re-purposing of it. For now it’s holding my books on my second shelf bookshelf. It used to hold my bottles of acrylic paint, but I have a new clear package place from them in my pink basket filled with most of my art stuff (the other stuff is in the new backpack or out in my room). June 20th

IMG_00002539

Current post I’m working on at the moment!! I may hit the sack soon though, but expect this baby out tomorrow!!!! πŸ˜€ (That’s what I did today, READ!). June 21st

IMG_00002540

NOTES! For the Quotes section. πŸ™‚ Happy I got this baby done tonight too. That’s AWESOME and a BONUS

The only other thing to show you guys is some new photos I did and the coloring page two spread I finished a couple days ago πŸ™‚

Otherwise, I’m heading up to Boston on Thursday for school and therapy and probably hanging out with a friend. Then seeing a friend on Saturday and Sunday with Jeanine (and DOGS!!). I spent some of Sunday with my friend, Mr. T.S.

I’ll have a proper update about life and things tomorrow. Wish me luck on the book review and reading a NEW book!!! πŸ˜€

Hope you’re all well ❀

Trust in a new tomorrow. ❀ ❀ ❀

Open + Vulnerable

Today’s Prompt ~ Open

Contributing Music for this Post

‘Cause this Life is Worth Living…

“Vulnerability is a Strength, Never a Weakness”

To be open, to be vulnerable, is one in the same.

Vulnerability is defined in the dictionary as: susceptible to physical or emotional attack or harm. But it’s also a hell of a lot more than that.

To me, vulnerability means putting yourself out on the line. Exposing yourself. Showing your true authenticity in all of its bittersweet loveliness.

It means being open. Being raw, emotional, sharing both the positive and the negative with the world. Or at least, with whom ever your true audience is.

To be open is defined as: to be open to the view; exposed.

There’s that well known quote out there, that “(someone is) an open book”. I looked it up not that long ago, it essentially means that you put yourself out there into the world, as vulnerable and raw and ready to discuss anything that comes your way. You’re not closed off, you’re just you and you don’t try to hide it.

To be open is to be vulnerable.

And vulnerability, I believe, is no weakness. Rather, it’s a MASSIVE strength.

Not everyone can put themselves out there on the twig that is life, to be scorned or loved by the many other eyes that feast upon them like vultures. It’s not easy, it’s in fact frightening, and because of that, it takes true badassery and courage.

And to have that power of courage and badassery is truly amazing. It’s like unlocking a dream, it’s achievable for some, and it shapes you, as a person.

In line with this idea, I’d recommend watching the TED talks by Brene Brown, or reading her book, “The Gifts of Imperfection”, it is quite the pleasant read (although I haven’t finished it myself!)

I’ve been closed off before in my life, for the majority of my time here. And I can honestly say it was pretty shit.

I like having openness as a value, now. It’s just…freeing. Now, it doesn’t mean I go giving out my personal ID codes and numbers and shit, but to slap a name to a face, to match words to a person, it’s just…magical and more real.

I believe that being open and sharing your story is a courageous, amazing thing to do. Through sharing our stories we can help to encourage and be side by side someone else out in the world who may be struggling. And isn’t that the basic human need? To feel connected and a part of something, something larger than one’s self?

Whether by grief or by the basic sources of our emotions, being united by them makes us such a force to be reckoned with. And in that, we are never truly alone. ❀

 

Stay safe, out there. ❀

Recent Artwork (Lots of Me!)

IMG_2622 xx

A photograph from this afternoon. A hornet who lost his wing 😦 He is alive, actually. I poked him after some photos and he scurried off later on.

IMG_2633

Another shot of him. I’m impressed and happy with the detail my lens picked up on. It’s not macro, for sure, but it’s still great!

IMG_2427

Do excuse the acne. πŸ˜› A photo shoot I had with myself at the gazebo in town, with my fancy, snazzy shirt and fancy dandy camera. πŸ™‚ Thought this shot was neat!! From June 12th 2016

IMG_2430

I like my eyes in this shot πŸ™‚ Can you tell what expression I was going for here? That’s a genuine question, ’cause I can’t quite tell!!! June 12th 2016

I took a lot of photos of my face in this shoot, so I’ll spread them out amongst other artwork here. πŸ™‚

IMG_2482

:3

IMG_2507

It’s important to SMILE πŸ™‚

I kid you not, there’s a lot of shots of my face in this shoot. If you’d like to see more from this, just let me know, and I shall post more!! I’m picking out some of the best/most interesting ones. This next round gets into some expressive artsy ones πŸ™‚

IMG_2534

Camera looking in through the sides of the gazebo. I really like ‘trapped’ themes. Although luckily they don’t hold as much emotional charge for me any more, yay!

IMG_2541

I also like ‘screaming’ types of photos. It helps if you actually make a soft sound. πŸ™‚

IMG_2556

Gotta use good old black&white too! πŸ™‚

IMG_2566

One of my faves for sure πŸ™‚ I just like the distance in this shot, the contrast and ‘cut off’ness of it, and the pain/emotion in my face. Photography is serious work!

Here are some throwback photos featuring similar themes:

IMG_0319 -UPD-

More of that ‘trapped’ theme, an actual fence this time, some masquerade mask fun and a good, fun shoot!!! From October 2015

IMG_0345 Upd

Also from October 2015. Wanted to have another clearer shot of the phrase on my wrists and playing with expressive emotions πŸ™‚

IMG_0103 Upd

Also from the October 2015 shoot. Current devID on DeviantART. πŸ™‚ I love this picture of me.

IMG_8104 Upd

Another fun shoot featuring “Anonymity” from September 2015

Now, for scrapbook pages!!!

IMG_2583

A more simple page. Worked on 6/3/16

IMG_2599

A very positive, uplifting scrapbook page. πŸ™‚ Created 6/8/16

IMG_2591

Hope you can read my writing under what I hold onto hope for! πŸ™‚

IMG_2592

This list is definitely clearer. ❀

IMG_2595

This one was also fun to create! I love me some washi tape πŸ™‚

IMG_2597

Here is a close up of the watercolored nightscape I did. Yes, those are trees at the bottom ❀

IMG_2603

Another simpler page featuring some fun pieces from magazines and a fancy dandy background, plus a quote I really like!! And, I got part of myself in the shot, haha, oops!! These last two both done on 6/15/16

And, although I still haven’t finished it, here is the latest shot I have of my coloring book two page spread:

IMG_00002499

AAAANNNNND I think that’s it!!!

So yeah, if you’d like to see more of my photography, just let me know! And if you’d like a gift art out of photography, send me a message! I’d love to make stuffs. πŸ™‚

I haven’t started working on my latest gift art yet, but I have a good idea for it. Hint: It features a type of flowery plant. πŸ˜‰

If you guys would like to see more creative writing work/that fanfiction I’m working on (although it’s dark but will eventually fit this blog) let me know, too. Any ideas on the output I can make will be greatly appreciated. πŸ™‚ It feels a little strange uploading photos of myself here, but I’m reminding myself that I’d be uploading them onto DA just the same, so it’s okay! I guess it’s because it’s so personable. I’m also becoming more aware of how this blog is growing, and actually comes up under search engines now. That is new and different for me!!

Speaking of DA, I should try and upload some there tonight and make up some lost time tomorrow too, since I’ve newly proposed myself a schedule for that stuff. πŸ™‚

Okay, well, I’m off! Don’t be too surprised if I make YET ANOTHER post after this with the daily prompt! πŸ™‚

 

Hope you guys enjoyed everything I had to show you here!!!! Let me know what you think ❀ ❀ ❀

 

Liebster Award – #4

Hello, hello again my friends!!! *sticks tongue out* Hope you’re all doing swimmingly, and if not, go punch that shark in the nose!! And if that doesn’t make you smirk, message me for some one-on-one joke battles! πŸ™‚

Any who, I’m back from some chalk drawing and some art idea brain cooking (as in, my brain’s been cooking up some cool art ideas for the future) and some minimal cleaning and moral supporting from the garage clean out. Hoooplah!! With my fancy painted pink nails and some artsy photos to be included in this post, let’s get started!

So, this award is my newest nominated Liebster from mlbradford

Who is a very awesome and amazing individual with kind words to his name and some very interesting interests in sci-fi, comics and more!! πŸ™‚

So, without further ado, because that IS fun to say πŸ˜‰ Let’s get started again!


liebsteraward-roses-tag

From Le Google!

  1. Which novel/comic first inspired you to take up writing?
    1. Definitely ‘Animorphs’ and ‘Avalon’ played a role in me taking up creative writing when I was 9. I used those types of stories as a somewhat plagiarized sounding board from which the characters were made up of myself and my friends and we had fancy magical powers and the ability to turn into animals when we wanted and one of them was our archenemy and we had to save the world from the bad powers that be. Essentially, what those books were about, just a little bit of a twist? Oh, and time travel. there was one story where we went back to the dinosaur age (I totally had my dinosaurs phase) and we had to make it out alive back to our time and another time where something similar happened again. I liked to be dramatic and use “THE END…or is it?” πŸ™‚ I’m pretty sure that dinosaur story was titled something like “When Dinosaurs Come Back to Life”

 

2. Which novel/comic book character should get his/her own movie?

2. (HTML/formatting can be a serious bitch! :P) Ummmm, Black Widow for sure. Loki should have his own movies too. Just Loki. No Thor. It’d be nice, one can dream!!! πŸ™‚ As for a novel….I’m curious to see that one movie based on a book where the female character dies but sees her life before it happened or something like that. I’m getting curious about it now, as I looked at the book before and recognized it but didn’t read it or buy it. Now though, I’d like to check it out. I also think that a movie on “You Came Back” by Christopher Coake would be awesome! That’s a book review I still want to do for you folks! ❀

3. What’s your favourite word?

3. Meninges. It’s just so fun to say!

4. Who is your favourite villain, and why?

4. Loki! And because he’s a complex character. As a fanfic writer and a fanfic reader, there’s so many different explorations people have engaged in with his character outside of the films (or comics or Norse mythology) and that exploration has given me a deeper understanding and love for his character despite his obvious faults and flaws. He’s complicated and snarky and refreshing. As for the films side, I think it’s cool that we get to see more dimension to him as an opposing force to Thor, and how, while misguided, his actions come from a flawed system of neglect and misunderstanding. I mean, if I found out thousands of years later that I was adopted by a race that I was taught to be fearful of or kill, I think that would mess me up too! I think Loki can be a relatable character for the ANGST which is funny and also for older peeps too. Those are my thoughts at least! πŸ™‚ (P.S. Tom Hiddleston. Reason enough! He’s a talented actor, fine gentleman and very adorable! I can’t help but love him!)

5. What is the single GREATEST scene in science fiction movie history?

5. I don’t know if I watch much sci-fi movies. And if I do, I can’t recall a particular scene… 😦

IMG_00002211

An old IOS, not sure why I always catch these photos with my journal noting that I need to use the bathroom facilities but that’s besides the pretty picture! Just want to put up a couple of art pieces around these walls of text O_O March 4.2016

6. If you could invite 3 famous people to dinner, who would you choose?

6. Tom Hiddleston. Robert Downey Jr. annnnnd Rachel Platten. That would be quite the entertaining dinner!

7. Absolutely DREAD the prospect of Blade Runner 2! Which sequel/remake do you NOT wish to see?!

7. I wish Robocop hadn’t happened. The remake that is. I heard it was pretty shit. I never saw the original but I’d still really like to. Just a shame man, just a shame. *shakes head*

8. Which book do you wish you had written?

8. I don’t know….I think I’ll save that chance for when I write and or publish something myself! I’ve seen some fancy colorfully artsy and poetry/quotes books, so that’s neat, maybe something like that for myself from my own brains would be fun! πŸ™‚

9. What will be the next book you want to buy?

9. Oooof, I really shouldn’t, but probably either this drawing tip book I’ve been eyeing for about $8 at Barnes & Noble or another positive book or a psychology type book or probably that book by Janet Singer on recovery from OCD, or a fancy novel… I don’t know. Something interesting and that will stay on my shelf for a while since I have out like 9 books from the library at the moment, lmao.

10. What aspect about writing/blogging do you enjoy the most?

10. Oooh, this one makes me think. I like when I’m starting a blog post and the scroll bar appears so I can move downwards as I write. Lmao. I also like creating something out of nothing. And I like talking about myself or what I’m up to. I guess just the exploration of it is captivating. πŸ™‚Β 

For creative writing, I enjoy getting to KNOW characters and people and backstories to a fictional being… it’s very wonky if you think of imagination in that way, yet it’s euphoric and lovely. ❀

11. How is it that this blogger can EAT SO MUCH CAKE and STILL be a perfect example of hunky manliness?

11. Bruh, ’cause you got them magic powers! Ain’t nobody got shit on you! πŸ˜‰


Okay! So my 11 blogger nominees…. I’d list you out but I’m just lazy. Whoever WANTS to do it and is INTRIGUED by the questions I ask of ye, feel free to take up this quest!!! ❀ ❀ ❀

My LE Questions:

  1. What structure or lack thereof does your blog/blogging style exude? (i.e. do you work on daily/weekly posts or just do it on a whim?)
  2. What do you like about your current blog’s theme?
  3. Favorite hobby?
  4. If you could have a dream location to exist in, real or fictional, where would it be and describe it!
  5. How do you really feel about stationary? ❀
  6. If you could add one task into your daily life more than you do now, what would it be and why?
  7. Your spirit animal?
  8. Ever been in therapy? How was your experience?
  9. Ever had surgery?
  10. What causes do you support/mean the most to you personally?
  11. What are 3 of your values?

Phew!! We made it to the end!! πŸ˜€

Now for a couple of chalk drawings I did today ❀ πŸ™‚

IMG_2606

Moon and Sun. Blended lightly πŸ™‚

IMG_2609

A girl with her eyes closed. She has on bright pink eye shadow and lipstick. Fancy hair, particularly on the left side. There are eyebrows/feature of a nose here it’s just hard to see. I was going to do a sun originally, hence the skin tone. πŸ™‚ Signed and everything!

IMG_2613

Art Idea #1 for Chalk! This is our front path, I’m thinking I could do an open mouth (lips/teeth) on the stairs and then have the path be rainbow puke. I think it’d look AWESOME, I just gotta practice it out on paper a few times then try it out with the chalk a few times too. πŸ™‚ I’ll keep you guys updated on the process!

I’ll include some photography updates within a larger art update later this evening!!! ❀ Hope you guys enjoyed this!!

Stepping Stones of Self-Exploration

With a super hot laptop and a loud fan, plus my room’s fan spinning on its heel, I bring to yee all, an update! πŸ™‚

I was going to post last night and had begun to, but my mind was muddled and then my Mom and I were talking for a long while so I had to scrap that post. Ugh, I just got the hiccups AGAIN. Tired of these buggers. :/

Fun fact, I did my nails spontaneously this morning!

Don’t they just look snazzy? When they dry, they smell like bubble gum πŸ™‚ Which is the same scent as this pink fairy dust I have from Lush. πŸ˜€ I did pretty impressively with my left hand, all that ambidextrous work when it comes to IOS. *badass nod*

I’m feeling much, MUCH better now, too. Which is actually what this post is all about.

I set aside a couple hours today to do some self-exploration/journaling in my blogging journal. I’ve come up with a working schedule and a few lists–so let’s jump on in!!


First, this is a proposal schedule #1 for myself. It’ll be likely that I’ll have to change and edit this as the future progresses, but I have a working idea of a starting point for now. πŸ™‚

For DA activity, I’ve listed Tu Th and Sun’s.

For blogging, M W F Sat as “main” days, while a looser standard is set for the other leftover days. Depending on prompts, mood, what I have to talk about, etc.

Artwork, with and without inspiration worked on throughout each day

Positive messages, Create W F Sat with 5-10 at a time.

Exposures, 30 minutes each day, with a break on the weekend.

Outings and hang outs, 2-3 times a week.

The leftover figuring out stuff is for my basic hygiene and chores, replying to messages, work hours and that Stats class hours. This stuff I’ll get to another time to figure out more.


My Goals for Structure:

Keeping myself accountable.

Giving myself an organized structure.

Preparation for school/work.

Effectively juggling my fun and my work.

Working in line with my values.


Β My Values:

  • Honesty
  • Openness
  • Empathy
  • Positivity
  • Strength
  • Courage
  • Sharing my voice
  • Compassion
  • Determination
  • Organization (i.e. stationary XD <3)
  • Creativity
  • Expressiveness
  • Personal freedom
  • Authenticity
  • Personal growth
  • Unity
  • Making a difference
  • Inner harmony
  • Understanding
  • Vision
  • Hope
  • Self-evaluation/introspection

Values I Strive For but are a Work In Progress:

  1. Structure
  2. Balance
  3. Ambition
  4. Freedom
  5. Self-actualization
  6. Stability
  7. Tolerance
  8. Integrity
  9. Understanding
  10. Vitality
  11. Respecting others journeys.

I used this values list to help me figure out what mine were i.e. what stood out for me.

Values List

Image from Google!!


My next task will be to define what each of these values mean to me.

 

Upcoming Blog Posts to Look Out For:

2 Liebster Awards

1 Little Engine Tag

Gift Art #4

Current artwork update

Daily prompts

Art therapy/teaching moments

Creative writing

Book reviews

Miscellaneous


I also want to work on and update my fanfiction very soon. So that may be a project for the weekend/into next week.

For now though, I have to head outside to help my Mom clean out and organize the garage. I forgot how well deadlines work for me πŸ™‚

See you all later!! ❀ ❀ ❀

Fuck Feelings | Book Review

Fuck Feelings by Michael and Sarah Bennett


First: Check out this professional writer’s official book review on this book who I happened to briefly meet on the T one day! Erick Trickey | Boston Globe

You can also check out his website for more goodies! **HERE**


Recommendation Score:

I recommend this book as a 5 stars out of 5. I recommend it to you, readers, especially ones who’ve dealt with trauma and mental health issues, as well as to anyone willing to open their eyes more to the world around them and what they can actually do to address unwanted emotions they may struggle with (often, by being reminded that you’ll still struggle with them yet learn how to handle them more effectively).

It’s a very interesting, goofy, and blunt account of self-help books out there, and it doesn’t bullshit you with lies or false hope. It points out the flaws in your thinking on particular subjects (love, communication, treatment, self-help, etc.), gives three succinct examples of those problematic situations and offers more legitimate and practical avenues of re-correcting your behavior (where possible), addressing ways of moving through those tough emotions, and reminding you what control you do have versus what you do NOT have. It’s a really great account of words slapped together to bring out some positive messages and well rounded reasons for why what you’d like to achieve is ideal but impossible and what ways actually exist for you to quantify your behavior and judge your performance based on a scale of numbers and logic rather than feelings.

It’s also funny with jokes at times and offers a short segment of what to tell yourself or whoever is having that particular problem in a letter format. It also helps to take the blame off yourself or to recognize when you’re getting trapped in over-responsibility. It’s a guide to which you could understand life a little more than before. At least, that’s my opinion of it. πŸ™‚

Also, they mention some of the biological bases of our brains and how experience changes them and that some limitations exist due to our genes, our brains, and our programming so we may not be able to self-help ourselves into massive productivity. Rather, we have limits and recognizing them is important so you don’t feel like a failure when it’s no fault of your own.


Overarching Lessons I Gathered

  • I am now more aware, mindful and reminding of what I can and cannot control in life.
  • Any retaliation of anger or venting emotional feelings is unhelpful and you should just shut the fuck up instead
  • There are ways of quantifying and looking for data that’s concrete rather than subjective, like feelings are, in an open and pretty objective manner.
  • You can learn a lot about yourself and what you value and what you want out of life and a partner by sitting down and making a list of those values
  • Sometimes life is shit. But it’s how you handle it that really matters.
  • Life, and human beings, are a very strange concept.
  • It’s important to use your values to guide your behavior through what you want out of life rather than those fleeting, passing emotions.

“Le Quotes” that I think Are Particularly Outstanding

  1. (More helpful questions for someone suffering from mental health issues) “How bad is it today? Are you safe? Is there anything you want me to do? Is anything helping much? It’s a big deal to get through a bad day.” – p. 116-117

  2. “Many of us feel compelled to accept responsibility for the happiness of our loved ones, without question or limit, either because we’re the responsible type or we instinctively feel guilty if we fail. The sad fact of life however is that we’re often unable to help others feel better regardless of our motivation, intimacy and commitment. There are people who can’t help but always be in pain, whether from grief, physical or mental illness or even self-destructive actions they can’t perceive or stop. If they, other loved ones, and professional helpers can’t improve their suffering, there’s little chance you will. Know that you’ve done what you can to make someone happy. Tolerate unhappiness without flinching or blaming. Respect how well people pursue their values in spite of unhappiness” – p. 111 + 115

  3. “Realistic Mantras to try if you feel an anxiety attack coming on: This too shall pass (and shall pass quicker if I take the special pill I always carry in my pocket), Life is a journey, not a destination and anxiety isn’t fatal, I can find my center and endure this day or find my boss and deal with this at home, I am a leaf on the wind, watch how I soar, listening to anything but my brain” – p. 162

  4. “Don’t keep on fighting. You’ll just get more entrenched in a place you need to leave and a struggle you can’t win. Use every tool you can think of to detach yourself from caring without compromising your principles. Keep on being polite, doing your job and living up to your responsibilities. Remember, your prime responsibility is to meet your own standards as an individual, not to save the family or team from itself” – p. 311

  5. “You have a right to feel pain, injustice, and unfairness when Assholes collide with your life, but your goal is to keep going down the road that is most meaningful to you. The more you strengthen your personal philosophies and see meaning in the good things you do, the better. Focus on finding your old purpose, sticking it out, and riding out the shit storm” – p. 313

  6. “If you feel your therapist is doing a good job for you that no one else could and are worried that something will cut off your therapy and your lifeline, remember that feelings are not necessarily reality, and that severe depression and anxiety have their own way of making you feel like you’re much more vulnerable and dependent on treatment than you are” – p. 333

  7. Remember that there’s no such thing as “fair”, feelings are stupid, life is hard... and you’re going to be relatively okay, even if you won’t be happy, because your goals are realistic and your efforts to reach those goals will make you proud. Then, the next time life gives you a shit sandwich, slather that puppy in ketchup and enjoy. They’re on everyone’s menu” – p. 348

  8. “In the end, you probably don’t need treatment for a long period of time and are better off relying on what you’ve learned and other sources of strength, knowledge, and comfort to manage problems. In other words, you may have moved on, but the time you and treatment shared together will always be special” – p. 331

  9. “If someone says she was abused, you don’t need to know whether it actually happened. You do need to know whether she can now tolerate the normal lumps and bumps of a relationship without reliving the abuse and getting paranoid about someone who is a not so bad friend like you. You need to find out whether she can tolerate any pain and frustration without immediately doing whatever makes her feel better” – p. 306

  10. You must acknowledge your inability to protect your child from the consequences of his actions and do what you can to protect yourself and others without giving up any values, love and willingness to help when new opportunities arise” – p. 264

  11. “If you have the opportunity, turn ensuing crises into teaching opportunities. Know that your effectiveness depends on urging people to do what their wiser side wants them to do, not what you want them to do. As usual, give yourself credit for effort, not results” – p. 243

  12. Approach every crisis negotiation hoping to do your best. If someone ignores your pleading and choose to make what you know is a mistake, let her know you tried everything to protect her, and that if she survives the fall, you’ll be there to help pick her up” – p. 238

  13. “The unfun kind of fear is the common denominator of anxiety disorders and those who suffer from them often share, and run into, the same bullshit attitude that depressives have, their emotions must be understandable, like normal anxiety and sadness, so if they just figure out what’s bothering them, confront it and move on, they’ll be anxious no more. .. What you should do instead, is accept that life has simply given you a burden you must learn how to bear. You’re not immature, weak willed, or lacking in courage; you’re just stuck with a particular kind of chronic pain. You will never enjoy it, but you can learn to bear it, so no matter how much fear you’re experiencing you won’t be afraid to face each day as it comes” – p. 157

  14. “Ultimately it’s not the amount you give, or the amount of pleasure you get out of it, but the amount of care you put into giving that matters” – p. 136

  15. “…accepting your inability to rescue someone from addiction, an acceptance that is as hard as an addict’s accepting his or her inability to control addiction. Control your urge to help and you’ll be better able to help someone control their urge to use and give them a truly useful gift: the power to help themselves” – p. 118

  16. “If you never stop feeling regret and a yearning for closure, consider it the price of experiencing something wonderful and having the kind of temperament that doesn’t let go. Learn how to live with the feeling of needing closure without paying attention to what it tells you. It will have less power over your life if you remind yourself that even if you can’t have what it wants, other things are more important. You haven’t lost your ability to do good things with life, even if it never loses its ability to do bad things for you” – p. 106

  17. Even people with the same beliefs often see the world differently, interpret the rules differently, and thus wind up betraying one another while feeling it’s the other guy’s fault” – p. 102

  18. It’s true some people may not accept your disability–especially if you don’t–and thus hold you responsible for underperforming. As much as their opinion may matter to you, don’t waste time and energy hiding from their scrutiny or trying to change their opinion. Stand by what you’ve learned from your own experience, which is that your disability is real and you’re doing your best with it” – (page unknown, early on though, I forgot to include it)


Phew! Okay, that’s it for this post!!!! πŸ˜€ ❀

 

Time for me to haz dinner. πŸ™‚

Addressing Larger Issues

[[What was supposed to be a book review post is turning into a regular post, and then I’ll write the book review. Thanks for being patient.]]


This book review is a few days late and a long while coming. I’ve been meaning to upload it sooner, but I only finished finally reading the book yesterday afternoon, and only finished writing out the quotes I’ll be using here in my new journal today, and I’ve already dropped off the book back to the library today too. So, this is coming from what I remember,Β  what I’ve written down and what I’ll be typing up here.

I will say I’m in an odd mood. I’ve been catching up with the news about the Orlando club shooting and it’s loudly on the news right now, so my attention is a bit split. I’ve also been pretty much binge watching Christina Grimmie’s videos, I forgot how far back into a few years ago I went with enjoying her content, which is also taking up my attention and concentration. I’d just like to say that: My condolences are with the families and friends and communities that have been affected by these tragic deaths, Life can be shit for sure, Humanity is a strange concept when you think about it and our place in the universe and all other things (what we create, animals, dinosaurs, the planet, other planets), There will always be Assholes (taken from the book ;)) out there and not everyone is a good person, That doesn’t mean we give up being good people and following our values and making the most out of this Life with the time we have on here, which is short.

I don’t know what the answer is to eradicating acts of terror, or if it’s even possible, yet I know that it sucks, and it sucks that some people in our world of billions of humans think that expressing acts of violence is a more “effective” way of saying, “hey, stop hurting my people.”

I… it doesn’t make sense to me. Killing more people, likely other people who have no to little influence over the people who have killed your people, just kills people. That’s it. There’s no external message. There’s no solution. That’s a really shitty way to attempt to do any type of “problem solving.”

Acting on violence just throws more shade to the cause you’re attempting to eradicate yourself. Your goal is trying to get people in power to stop killing your people. So, you think doing the very act of violence that makes the people in power feel threatened and are killing your people to protect themselves against that same violence, is going to help? Does that even make sense, I don’t know.

If your goal is to stop people in the government from killing your own people, BECOMING that person who acts outlandish and violent and throws a minority of people into the subjective view of the majority of people (i.e. one person’s actions being equated to ALL of that sub-group of people’s actions/potential actions) is just adding to the problem you supposedly want to stop or “help.”

If I wanted to prove that not all mentally ill people go out and commit violent crimes, I wouldn’t then myself go out to produce a violent crime. All that does is emphasize the lie and the bullshit that all mentally ill people go and commit violent crimes.

It just makes no sense to me.

No one’s ever taught me how to feel about morals and people who are bad that fall outside of that good bubble line. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about serial killers, psychopaths that kill (versus manipulation versus less inherently bad) or sociopaths (I get these two confused) that kill or abusers and rapists and terrorists.

Do I support exceptions to the rules? Death penalty versus a personally prescribed death sentence that is slow, agonizing and painful? Years in prison? Prisons in places like Mars for fuck’s sake?

 

I don’t know. There’s no guidance here. There’s a shit ton of violence, though. Yet I feel that I cannot control what these other people, bad people out there, do or don’t do in the world. I don’t have control over that. Just like we don’t necessarily control when we die or how.

A lot of people, MORE people in the world, are peace loving, misunderstood, caring, kind people. Then there are people not so good. People who don’t think what they’re doing is wrong, the Assholes. Assholes don’t admit they’re Assholes, they don’t think they have a problem, but that everybody else does.

How do you treat that? How do you end that? What control do we really have? As humans? Someone is always going to be left behind, with a broken family, with anger and hate, with distaste for someone else for what they have, for a better life than the shitty one they were dealt.

Even if there may always be violence of some kind in this world, the world won’t be around forever. We won’t be around forever. These concepts make my world feel lopsided, tilted, dizzying. Our time here is limited, and what lies beyond is unlimited.

While we are here though, it’s best to make the most of it.

There’s always going to be someone who acts on violence as the ‘answer’ to their issues. However, there are ways we can prevent those actions. We can learn more about the topic-of homicide for instance or certain red flags in behavior- and we can learn who to contact when and where, there have to be resources available, we can build together and rebuild when things fall and fall again. Because they will fall, and we will rebuild together, putting back the pieces, making something better than before.

Just because we’re going to die at some point doesn’t mean we can’t use that time to do some good for this world. Because while the hate can make a difference, so can the good. And maybe one day, the good will outshine the hate, and the hate will just be a by-product of lost hope or where the good wasn’t able to quite reach.

 

It’s worth the journey, isn’t it?

 

Stay safe. ❀ ❀