Slowly Expanding + Accepting

Daily Prompt ~!~ Slowly

So, I’ve been rather quiet the past few days, my apologies firstly for that! I’ve been doing some exploration on the Interwebs about a topic I’d like to discuss in full today.

Before I do, though, I’d like to say that I am doing pretty well, all things considered. I had another IOOV presentation this week, moved around my therapy appointment, saw my psychiatrist yesterday, and am still waiting on an email from my professor about our practice problems/review material so I can get off my ass and work on that! I have LOADS of reading to do for fun and am hoping to get started on that soon after this post launches. ALSO, I went by the library yesterday and got out like 8 MORE books.:D ALL OF THE READING! I will get into that and some other topics, later on though.

 

Let’s jump into what this post is all about.

IMG_2824

First:

I LOVE color and I LOVE rainbows. I can imagine we’ve already established that about me so far. 😉

Second:

This bracelet can have many meanings. Living life to live life, rainbow colors and FUN because I like them and my soul is the color of a sparkling rainbow (with a bright white light that causes traffic accidents worldwide ;)), the Butterfly Project (a project aimed at helping people stay clean from self-harm), and PRIDE. All of that LGBTQA+ (asterisk? I’m still learning) pride stuff!! 🙂

Third:

I’ve been thinking about this subject for the majority of 2016. After some slow, larger, and growing exploration, I think I can say that I identify as bisexual.

I know that I’m attracted to men, that part is a given and is easy.

However, I also think I’m gradually becoming attracted to women, too. Which is really just great because it expands my horizons–more people to love, really! 🙂

Now, let’s be honest, I’m still a virgin. My sexual education is about 5% out of 100%. I don’t even know how to masturbate. Annnd, I’m still reluctant to learn about it too. I’d rather just not, you know?

I don’t know how “into” sex I’d be, but for now, I’m looking for and am open to a dating relationship, which is big for me because the last time I was in a romantic relationship was six YEARS ago. When I say I’m not all that into sex, the idea of it (at least with a man) just makes me gag. *shudders* eugh, just, no. With a woman, well, I’m not sure how it all works yet, either, (haven’t explored the research/information about that) but it’s not the first thing I’d want to check off the list, if you get what I mean.

 

Part of this understanding of myself requires me to recognize how much I’d like to make out with a girl like RIGHT AWAY. And how that’s a shitty reason to get into a relationship and sigh, just not focusing too much on that because it makes me a bit depressed which contributes to the OCD which is just not a load of fun for me.

But when I say gradually attracted to women, I mean I’m appreciating from afar.

I don’t know what it is, or if this is part of the process, but I can really picture myself with a woman. In a dating relationship way. Maybe it’s some of the youtube videos I’ve been watching and learning about on the subject, or the lesbian books I want to read (heteronormative romance novels are off-putting to me now, each time I reach for a romance book and hear about the girl portion of the relationship I expect another girl to be involved but it’s often a male and my interest just disappears. I’m not much of a romance reader anyhow, I like thrillers, psychological ones, supernatural stuff, murders, etc.) or the images of chicks making out but I can really, really picture myself with someone of the same gender as me now.

And, honestly? It’s exciting. It makes me smile. I really, genuinely, wish to explore this aspect of myself.

Now, I don’t think I’m just bi-curious, as more of that definition coincides with the sexual experience, which again, I’m not interested in.

I think another contributing factor is me just meeting more married lesbians in the world. And, I’ve had thoughts and fantasies and girl crushes before in my life, I just suppressed it because I wasn’t ready to be in a relationship with ANYone.

Maybe I’m still not. I don’t know what I’d value in another person yet or how it would all work out, and I know I’m EAGER to jump into a relationship and trying to balance that out is a bit of a bitch so far, but I’m hoping I can swim along until the fall semester, where I can start attending some LGBTQA+ meetings and such. I may try to check out a gay bar with some friends up in the city, too, and I have a couple of friends who swing that way that I can ask advice on and such.

 

Basically, I’m slowly and gradually getting used to this idea that I’m bisexual. I’ve been coming out in parts with my Mom, who doesn’t generally support the idea (it’s a little too much for her right now–part of that might be bad timing with the funeral coming up tomorrow for my uncle) little by little. I’m confident that it’ll just take her time to get used to. She did say this morning she wouldn’t support me being in a relationship with a female while still living here, but, I’m not going to take that too seriously. I want to be open to whatever happens. I mentioned it as well to my Dad today, and he didn’t say much on the subject. (My Dad is worse than my Mom on the subject, based on what he says about other people in the LGBTQA+ community)

But, I say fuck it. Love is love, bruhs. Either they’ll accept me over time for it, or they won’t. *shrugs* I can’t control that. And I’m not going to let it limit me on who I can love. Especially if it’s with a good gal out there, she’s worth it. 🙂 ❤

 

Also, the whole lesbian novel genre, I actually was going to write about it a few weeks ago with a daily prompt, but I didn’t like how it was going, so I deleted it and then wrote that poem about the bisexual woman sitting on a ledge instead. That was a little bit of a coming out nudge on WP.

And before THAT, back in June, I wanted to do a daily prompt about fences, because I love fences and I’m ON THE FENCE about my sexuality. Get it? Even the ledge works with it, too. 😀

I’ve been dropping subtle hints all over the place! Lmao.

 

Any who, I hope you guys can support me as I explore this blooming side of myself. However, if you can’t, well, you can’t please everyone now, can you? It reminds me of a cognitive distortion reply: “People won’t always approve of me, and that’s OKAY”. ‘Cause, fuck ’em, right? 😉

That’s all for this fancy dandy post! 🙂 Hope you guys have a fabulously colorful day!

 

Stay safe!! ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤

25 thoughts on “Slowly Expanding + Accepting

  1. Hey welcome to the bisexual club, where everybody is sexy!! 😉 All jokes aside, I’m impressed by your self-confidence. I’ve known I’ve been bisexual for years but still struggle to accept it. It just wasn’t something that was allowed in the community I grew up in. I’ve still never been in a relationship with a woman even though I long to. But it’s me, and like you said, there’s nothing you can do about it so might as well embrace it! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • Ooooo, now this is the type of club I want to be a part of!! 😉

      Acceptance is a tricky one, that’s for sure. I think it’s a process so you may find yourself becoming more accepting of who you are as you get older, too. Maybe one day you’ll be able to!!

      I’m excited to start making artsy things about bi pride, once I’m finished with this book review I’ve got to jam pack into the blog before the weekend! I also printed out a bunch of cute girl pictures for a scrapbook page and I can’t wait to get involved with that.

      I’d say even my own levels of acceptance are up and down, I suppressed any measures of dating for years, and my Mom didn’t react too kindly or openly about the bisexuality, so it’s gotten me feeling a little down, even though I’m trying to not let it get to me too, too much. It’s all a process. For now, it’s writing out notes for me and studying for stats and then doing some fun artwork before tomorrow where I get to see DOGS! YAY! Heheh. 🙂

      Thanks for sharing your thoughts, honey biscuit! 😀 xxxx

      Liked by 1 person

      • Your scrapbook sounds fun! And my mom didn’t react that great either. She tried, she really did. She said, “I still love you of course… but don’t tell anyone else because they’ll think differently of you! This means you still could marry a man, right?” Needless to say, not what I was hoping to hear. Maybe someday I’ll be brave enough to write a blog post about it 🙂
        Can’t wait to read more about your own path with it!
        xxx Blooming Lily

        Liked by 1 person

        • I might wind up making two pages since I got 6 pages of photos from Google to work with! 🙂

          Eeee, not the best of reactions, no. My Mom was more like “you’re gonna do what you’re gonna do and I can’t do much to stop it”, to indifferent/not caring much about it to the classic and cliche misconceptions about bisexuality (you don’t know because you haven’t experienced X or Y) to not seeing why I needed to tell her in the first place. Maybe not the worst of reactions but not exactly great either 😛

          Thanks!! ❤ If you ever do write about it, I'd definitely read it. 🙂
          xxxx

          Liked by 1 person

          • If you have any interest in sharing the scrapbook pages on your blog when you’re done, I’d love to see them! But if they’re just for you at this point, I understand that too.
            Yeah… also not the best reaction…
            Glad we can support each other on this journey though! xx 🙂

            Liked by 1 person

  2. This post is awesome and inspiring. I really admire you coming out as bisexual 🙂 I am married to a guy as you know, but find some women attractive too and I’d defo experiment, in fact I have with sexting online. My husband knows BTW and we’ve moved on after my little experiment! I was noticing the increasing hints in your blog posts and am glad you’ve set out everything so honestly. Sexual preference can be fluid, and there is nothing abnormal about finding people of the same sex desirable as partners. Just go with your heart, and an open mind 🙂 hugs Xxx

    Liked by 1 person

    • D’awwws thanks so much honey bun!! 😀 Having let the reveal simmer for a few hours, I feel more confident and secure with myself, so I think this is a step in the right direction. 🙂 I can’t wait until school starts where I can be more a part of the LGBTQA+ group at school, I’m excited for that, and maybe with some luck I can find someone to befriend or date! ^^’ Hehehe.

      Aha! Nice to know some people were picking up on those hints 😉 Thanks hun!! I do like the idea of sexuality being fluid, and I find it rather liberating that it is. Now I’m going to start creating a bunch of artsy things regarding my newfound comfortable corner. 🙂 Starting with more rainbows and the bi pride flag 🙂

      Thanks for writing out your thoughts, hun!! ❤ ❤ ❤

      Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s