So, I’ve been rather quiet the past few days, my apologies firstly for that! I’ve been doing some exploration on the Interwebs about a topic I’d like to discuss in full today.
Before I do, though, I’d like to say that I am doing pretty well, all things considered. I had another IOOV presentation this week, moved around my therapy appointment, saw my psychiatrist yesterday, and am still waiting on an email from my professor about our practice problems/review material so I can get off my ass and work on that! I have LOADS of reading to do for fun and am hoping to get started on that soon after this post launches. ALSO, I went by the library yesterday and got out like 8 MORE books.:D ALL OF THE READING! I will get into that and some other topics, later on though.
Let’s jump into what this post is all about.
I LOVE color and I LOVE rainbows. I can imagine we’ve already established that about me so far. 😉
This bracelet can have many meanings. Living life to live life, rainbow colors and FUN because I like them and my soul is the color of a sparkling rainbow (with a bright white light that causes traffic accidents worldwide ;)), the Butterfly Project (a project aimed at helping people stay clean from self-harm), and PRIDE. All of that LGBTQA+ (asterisk? I’m still learning) pride stuff!! 🙂
I’ve been thinking about this subject for the majority of 2016. After some slow, larger, and growing exploration, I think I can say that I identify as bisexual.
I know that I’m attracted to men, that part is a given and is easy.
However, I also think I’m gradually becoming attracted to women, too. Which is really just great because it expands my horizons–more people to love, really! 🙂
Now, let’s be honest, I’m still a virgin. My sexual education is about 5% out of 100%. I don’t even know how to masturbate. Annnd, I’m still reluctant to learn about it too. I’d rather just not, you know?
I don’t know how “into” sex I’d be, but for now, I’m looking for and am open to a dating relationship, which is big for me because the last time I was in a romantic relationship was six YEARS ago. When I say I’m not all that into sex, the idea of it (at least with a man) just makes me gag. *shudders* eugh, just, no. With a woman, well, I’m not sure how it all works yet, either, (haven’t explored the research/information about that) but it’s not the first thing I’d want to check off the list, if you get what I mean.
Part of this understanding of myself requires me to recognize how much I’d like to make out with a girl like RIGHT AWAY. And how that’s a shitty reason to get into a relationship and sigh, just not focusing too much on that because it makes me a bit depressed which contributes to the OCD which is just not a load of fun for me.
But when I say gradually attracted to women, I mean I’m appreciating from afar.
I don’t know what it is, or if this is part of the process, but I can really picture myself with a woman. In a dating relationship way. Maybe it’s some of the youtube videos I’ve been watching and learning about on the subject, or the lesbian books I want to read (heteronormative romance novels are off-putting to me now, each time I reach for a romance book and hear about the girl portion of the relationship I expect another girl to be involved but it’s often a male and my interest just disappears. I’m not much of a romance reader anyhow, I like thrillers, psychological ones, supernatural stuff, murders, etc.) or the images of chicks making out but I can really, really picture myself with someone of the same gender as me now.
And, honestly? It’s exciting. It makes me smile. I really, genuinely, wish to explore this aspect of myself.
Now, I don’t think I’m just bi-curious, as more of that definition coincides with the sexual experience, which again, I’m not interested in.
I think another contributing factor is me just meeting more married lesbians in the world. And, I’ve had thoughts and fantasies and girl crushes before in my life, I just suppressed it because I wasn’t ready to be in a relationship with ANYone.
Maybe I’m still not. I don’t know what I’d value in another person yet or how it would all work out, and I know I’m EAGER to jump into a relationship and trying to balance that out is a bit of a bitch so far, but I’m hoping I can swim along until the fall semester, where I can start attending some LGBTQA+ meetings and such. I may try to check out a gay bar with some friends up in the city, too, and I have a couple of friends who swing that way that I can ask advice on and such.
Basically, I’m slowly and gradually getting used to this idea that I’m bisexual. I’ve been coming out in parts with my Mom, who doesn’t generally support the idea (it’s a little too much for her right now–part of that might be bad timing with the funeral coming up tomorrow for my uncle) little by little. I’m confident that it’ll just take her time to get used to. She did say this morning she wouldn’t support me being in a relationship with a female while still living here, but, I’m not going to take that too seriously. I want to be open to whatever happens. I mentioned it as well to my Dad today, and he didn’t say much on the subject. (My Dad is worse than my Mom on the subject, based on what he says about other people in the LGBTQA+ community)
But, I say fuck it. Love is love, bruhs. Either they’ll accept me over time for it, or they won’t. *shrugs* I can’t control that. And I’m not going to let it limit me on who I can love. Especially if it’s with a good gal out there, she’s worth it. 🙂 ❤
Also, the whole lesbian novel genre, I actually was going to write about it a few weeks ago with a daily prompt, but I didn’t like how it was going, so I deleted it and then wrote that poem about the bisexual woman sitting on a ledge instead. That was a little bit of a coming out nudge on WP.
And before THAT, back in June, I wanted to do a daily prompt about fences, because I love fences and I’m ON THE FENCE about my sexuality. Get it? Even the ledge works with it, too. 😀
I’ve been dropping subtle hints all over the place! Lmao.
Any who, I hope you guys can support me as I explore this blooming side of myself. However, if you can’t, well, you can’t please everyone now, can you? It reminds me of a cognitive distortion reply: “People won’t always approve of me, and that’s OKAY”. ‘Cause, fuck ’em, right? 😉
That’s all for this fancy dandy post! 🙂 Hope you guys have a fabulously colorful day!
Stay safe!! ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤