On the Cusp of a Struggle

Imagine that when you’re struggling, you struggle

 

 

 

down here.

Now imagine how I’m feeling when I’m struggling

right here.

See the difference?

I’m calling this the “cusp of struggling”. I’m not all that new to this new form of struggling, I’ve been struggling like this for the duration of this summer. But it’s weird because part of me feels so ROCK SOLID in RECOVERY MODE, and yet, I’m still struggling. I just, don’t FEEL like I’m struggling. But, I am.

I don’t know, maybe it’s being home all day alone so my brains are out of order.

Maybe it’s ’cause I’ve officially relapsed in my vague term of ‘self-harm’ (i.e. not scratching myself).

Maybe it’s just me wanting to write a little bit. Because I certainly didn’t blog before I acted on my relapse, which sucks, so again, I can’t bullshit myself about it now either. I don’t know, maybe we can call it all of the above.

I haven’t been all that productive today, but am hoping the evening can pan out a little better. Sometimes when I listen to music it just charges the OCD into full swing. Unfortunately, before this, guess what I was doing?

Maybe it’s because I didn’t write a to do list today.

Maybe it’s from feeling a little bad for my wallet that I bought more stationary things (which is at least better than buying a stethoscope or sleeping pills for obvious reasons).

I don’t know, but it’s tough.

That’s all I really have for right now. Now it’s just time to study for stats, read a book, do some artwork, things like that.

Expect me to bury this post soon, too.

Hope you guys are doing better than my realization that I’m not as okay as I thought I was. 😦

5 thoughts on “On the Cusp of a Struggle

  1. I’m going to challenge this with a DBT dialectic: it doesn’t have to be either/or, you can be recovering AND still struggling at the same time. One doesn’t negate the other. Recovery isn’t a perfect journey, it’s a lifelong way of living, and you are doing GREAT by doing things even little for yourself like buying cute stationary! It sucks to relapse, but please also give yourself credit for all the things you are doing so well. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

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