What You Don’t See on RtW


If you happen to see this and need some moral support for whatever it is that ails you, this link will be open until the end of the night (9:00p EST)


i can’t get the words

out of the roof of my mouth.

Stuck to the layers of flesh

and tissue,

they cripple and sway.

Youth, taken away from them.

There is nothing left.

I don’t even know if this post will become just that, a post. If you’re in this link right now, hello. It’s Raquel here, blogger of Recovery to Wellness. This is the stuff you don’t see. The behind the scenes. Maybe this will get posted, maybe it won’t.

I just know that I really want help right now and I’m stressed for my final and I know I shouldn’t even have to be, but it sucks and it’s hard and …. I’d just want to cry or curl up in a ball and sob or vent even though venting doesn’t help me and I don’t know what to do and everything just sucks and gah, I hate this.

I don’t want to cope positively right now. I want to curl up in the fetal position and hug my teddy bear/dog thing, and just sob. Sob because I can’t seem to get the right answers on my practice final and cry because it feels like the world is crushing in on me and the stupid join.me site is having some god damn technical difficulties.

I don’t want to self-harm. I don’t want to self-harm. I don’t want to self-harm.

If I repeat it enough times, maybe it’ll become true.

Now there’s no one left in the Join.Me link.

Why am I even bothering with writing this? I specifically do NOT write when I’m stressed or the OCD is knocking tin cans against the jail bars, because it does not HELP ME.


the words shrivel up on my lips,

nothing is uttered.

there’s always a way to turn back.

with weakness,

she presses ‘publish’.





13 thoughts on “What You Don’t See on RtW

    • Hey there, thanks for the comment! I’m doing much better now. Done with my final and able to shake off the dust and damage and walk away for a few weeks on break! πŸ™‚ I even get to work in some hours for writing for the job I’ve got for the semester! Hooray! πŸ˜€


  1. Pop tart, I’ve missed your posts which is why I am now following you again even though planned to stop blogging 😘 I don’t know what to say to help, except to be kind to yourself. Sometimes you won’t always have your recovery to wellness shit together. We know that and that’s ok. Your positive blog masks deep pain. We understand that Xxxxx Well done for this post πŸ˜˜πŸ’œπŸ˜˜ Are you feeling any better or still crap? Did you self harm? I support you whether you did or not. I’ve missed you. I will do you a video later pop tart ❀❀❀❀

    Liked by 1 person

    • Heyyyy pop tart! ❀ xxx

      ^^' I am honored! πŸ™‚
      Thanks, hun!! ❀ ❀ I did wind up feeling better last night, and I did NOT self-harm which is an extra bonus and today I've been very good (although have yet to actually work on Stats again, which I'll be doing soon). I'm trying to decide for sure whether I want to keep my therapy appointment tomorrow on the phone or maybe move it for a phone call later in the week. I don't want to be rushing to get on campus before the exam and all.

      I like these lines from your post most:
      Sometimes you won’t always have your recovery to wellness shit together. We know that and that’s ok. Your positive blog masks deep pain. I think I’m going to write that down as a new quote some place…or maybe places. :3 I should probably shower before I start studying, but, thanks girlie. Your words mean a lot and I’m honored that you came along to read and comment. ❀ ❀

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Pingback: Why You Don’t See: What you don’t see on this blog | recovery to wellness

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