Interactive Generative Art Website | Cope Now

http://r.weavesilk.com/?v=4&id=nwg1hw8i0n6 => “Biochemical”

http://r.weavesilk.com/?v=4&id=azp1hw8oqq4 => “Nerves”

http://r.weavesilk.com/?v=4&id=roy1hw8uo0i => “Floral Take down”

The Eye


Was getting a little bored, and found this site through the bored button website. It’s a generative art site, where you can pick different colors and dimensions of “silk” to weave and create some fascinating work!!

A snazzy coping strategy or something to just kill some time! Check it out! πŸ˜‰

 

❀ ❀

(re)Framing Friday | Week #3

I got this motherfucker done in part with ideas so now it’s time to just plop them in! I should really write down the spread I do in this series, but I keep forgetting. Maybe after this one today!


Video share of the week:

Personally, I love Melissa (the Youtuber above) and she is awesome and you should totes check her out. πŸ˜‰ She addresses the saying that suicide is “selfish” with a better rebutall or response to your loved ones who are in pain.


Music Share of the Week:

This song is a bit dark, yet it’s incredibly beautiful because of it. Do check it out, it’s my recommendation for the week!


Positive Google Images about Light & Hope:

hope 3

light 3

turn_on_the_light positive 3

light -- 3


Glimpses of Artwork from the Week:

IMG_00002949

Ze poem I did this week. πŸ™‚

IMG_00002936

Glimpse of ze artwork from this week. More to come in a future post.


Activities of the Week:

  • I made videos for a friend
  • I finished my art work above
  • Did some fancy poetry
  • Wrote for like 3 or 4 daily prompts this week
  • Having an IOOV presentation tomorrow
  • Watched House MD episodes πŸ™‚
  • Kicking Stats ASS like a badass
  • Working on getting a job during the fall semester
  • Hung out with Craig a bunch. πŸ˜€

What to See from Me Next Week:

  1. Artwork
  2. Alliteration Days
  3. Comments, I hope!!!
  4. Teachable Moments
  5. Actual stuff about #RecoveryHome
  6. Studying (my final is the week after)
  7. Book reviews

Book I finished this week:

“The Intruders” – E.E. Richardson


Thoughtful Quote:

“Will you not open your heart to know, What rainbows teach and sunsets show?” – Ralph Waldo Emerson.

Living a Life with OCD

*TW* Explicit mention of suicide, self-harm, OCD and depression in this post.

Daily Prompt “Obsessed”

It is with a very heavy mind that I write this post today. I’ve woken up just about twenty minutes ago, late on a Friday morning, 10am. I’ve just used the bathroom as I know this post is going to take me through a whirlwind, and I have to be ready for it. I haven’t even eaten breakfast yet, and maybe I will during it, as I’ll need my brain power to work through this post.

My morning was beginning bright and chipper.

But with discovering this daily prompt–the reality of it has sunken me in. I scrolled through some of the titles being used so far. And I just FEEL stigma clinging to my very soul.

Granted, I know after this post I can implement my positive coping strategies and proper self-care–so my mood will pick UP once again.

For now though, this subdued atmosphere is just what I need to write this post with.

“Obsessed” or “obsession” does NOT mean what you think it means.

An obsession is an unwanted thought, idea, feeling that loops itself around on a loop tape. It’s an obsessive thought that causes anxiety in the individual, leading them to practice compulsions, which are MENTAL or PHYSICAL behaviors that they use in an attempt to relieve that anxiety the obsession caused. It works, sort of. Except it just FUELS the OCD further.

OCD stands for Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, by the way.

I know OCD well. If the beginning of this post hasn’t shown you that, then the rest of this post will.

  • I am NOT “sooooo OCD”.
  • I am NOT “just a little OCD”
  • I am NOT the butt end of your OCD joke.
  • I am NOT dealing with obsessions on cleanliness, organization or having things in a certain order. So, NO, your jokes about that are NOT WELCOME. Even if that IS what I struggled with–newsflash: They would NOT be welcome.

I live with OCD on self-harm and suicide obsessions.

  1. NO that does not make me suicidal
  2. NO I am NOT choosing to be ‘obsessed’ with self-harm or suicide
  3. NO I do NOT appreciate your jokes about these topics when I’ve disclosed I suffer from OCD.
  4. YES I feel and sometimes joke that I feel 4x the stigma because of the nature of these topics.

NEWSFLASH! I am a PERSON first.

I am NOT “my OCD”. I am a daughter, a friend, an artist, a blogger, a mental health activist, a lover of gazebos, a fan of the Marvel Cinematic Universe, I would wear Marvel related fandom things if I could afford it, I love watercoloring and painting, I practice mindfulness, I am compassionate, I am kind, I’m a pretty awesome human being, I love House MD (watched an episode or two last night :)), I love organizing, I love reading and I freakin LOVE stationary.

THAT is who I am.

Fuck OCD for ever making me think otherwise.


That’s the groundwork I wish to lay down upon this post first.

From here, I don’t know where we begin.

I suppose, I had subtle symptoms of OCD when I went into college at the age of 19. They peaked once in the fall of 2013, but I still didn’t know at the time that I was dealing with any type of diagnosis.

In fall 2014, I was diagnosed with OCD by my university’s counseling center. At the time, I was seeing a graduate student there. Getting the diagnosis was…a flip of the world I knew. If I had had symptoms all that time and didn’t know it, what else was I unaware of?

The symptoms of OCD then just EXPLODED outwards. Having a name to a phenomenon was exhilarating–until that name began taking over my very world.

Despite taking an abnormal psychology course within that very semester, and having related to the notion of obsessive thoughts, I completely glossed over the mental compulsions bit. But that’s what I was dealing with–mental compulsions.

Let me be clear: I wasn’t exactly a danger to myself at this point in time. I did NOT want to act on my obsessions of suicide or self-harm. In fact, only when I started dealing with progress on the suicide obsessions, did the self-harm ones arrive.

I wanted to do ANYTHING BUT act on my self-harm and suicide obsessions.

You see, there’s a DIFFERENCE between suicide obsessions and suicidal thoughts. Suicide obsessions are OCD in nature, suicidal thoughts are often depression or other conditions in nature. Suicide obsessions won’t be acted upon by the typical OCD sufferer. The anxiety is over the idea that you MIGHT want to act on it, despite having NO intention of doing so. Suicide obsessions do not equal suicidal thoughts. We’ll go over this more later on.

And in between this, here are some great articles about it online (from the same website): http://ocdfreedom.com/suicide-ocd-vs-suicidal-thoughts/

I hope I am making sense and being understandable. This is the part of my story I’ve effectively told at least fifty times by now. So, it brings up some impatience with me. But it’s important, regardless.

Whenever I had an obsessive thought about suicide from the OCD–often things like:

“Kill yourself. Jump off the building. You’re just attention seeking. So pathetic. Don’t you dare tell anyone about this.”

This is what would happen: “Kill yourself. –Wait what, no, I don’t want to do that. Yes you do. No I don’t. Yes you do. No, I don’t. Are you sure? Do you need to check? N…no. I mean, I could. Maybe, am I suicidal? I’m not, right? I don’t know, why don’t you kill yourself.”

Cue the cycle all over again. My mental compulsions involved checking my memories for any suicidal intent, avoiding areas like ledges or being near train tracks to avoid what I thought would be myself acting on the thoughts (even though I wasn’t going to), missing classes because I got so anxious I’d throw myself down the stairs and die that I found I could NOT move from my location at the top of the stairs for over 45 minutes.

I was so anxious all of the time, I don’t know how I managed to get my schoolwork done. I’d sit with obsessive thoughts and compulsions for easily 6 hours. I started passing in papers late because of the time I was taking up with the OCD. I stopped attending Photography Club meetings, which I was President of, because I couldn’t stop going through the cycle of obsession and compulsions–I had to land on the idea that NO I was NOT suicidal and wasn’t going to kill myself–before I could leave and try to gather my attention to another task.

I knew Photo Club members were angry at me, and that anger further burrowed the OCD to tell me — see, this is yet another reason why you should just kill yourself.

I began acting on self-harm thoughts in the hopes to get SOME relief from the constant torment. I tried a variety of things first, before I found that scratching myself worked “best”.

Any time I’d get angry with myself for falling into the OCD behaviors, I’d scratch myself as punishment. I deserved it after all. What the fuck was I thinking? I was so pathetic. Really, I should have just killed myself.

Then the OCD would shut up for a while–because if I acted on it, it would give me relief for a while, the relief from obsessions, the relief that comes with acting on compulsions or doing the compulsions. Except the OCD would always come back, and worse too. Then it would be screaming at me to hurt myself, and still, I didn’t want to.

It was then that acting on the obsessive thoughts began to bridge as a compulsion behavior. It didn’t matter that I didn’t want to act on it. If it meant relief…what else was there?

I was open about these behaviors to the graduate student I was seeing. We worked on mindfulness practices, on CBT, on building safety plans and doing other positive coping strategies than ones that resulted in me harmed.

I recall many hours that I spent staring up at the ceilings, wishing I had the ability to kill myself. And if I couldn’t (which I could not), I wished some serial killer would kill me instead. Lay my body parts across a highway entrance, in particular.

At night, I was hardly sleeping, because I would do the compulsions in my mind until I exhausted myself and could fall back to sleep. I would DREAM of doing compulsions, of sitting on my bed and going through the compulsions, and the next day I’d wake up unrested and with further thoughts about the OCD on my mind, fresh and anew.

I would do better one week then slip back another. The semester was winding down and myself, my parents and my friends all thought that the winter break would help….

 

It didn’t. I developed secondary depression during that time. If I thought it was bad enough before with the OCD, it was about to get three hundred times worse. At this point in time, I became actively suicidal. I no longer was just dealing with suicide obsessions, but also suicidal thoughts.

It happened slowly. The graduate student I was seeing was on vacation for 3 weeks. I just had to make it those 3 weeks before I got back to seeing him in therapy again. That proved difficult.

The first week I missed him dearly. I wasn’t sure I was going to make it through that time without therapy. The world turned into a gray veil. On Christmas, I felt so … empty. So apathetic. I couldn’t muster feelings of happiness, and I didn’t understand why.

 

It was the night before New Year’s Eve where everything changed. I was trying to fall asleep and it was the one time since everything began that I could NOT fall asleep. This didn’t happen to me often, and as such, I had not preparation in place to deal with it. FOR HOURS I tried every positive coping strategy I could think of. I texted friends, I wrote my feelings on a piece of paper and tore it up, I drew, I did everything. For four hours–it wasn’t enough.

I reached my breaking point. I tried to call a self-harm hotline but they were out of hours and it was about 2am at this point. I went outside in the cold to make the phone call because I didn’t want to wake up my parents. They were in the dark about much of this and what was happening. And when I could tell them, they didn’t understand it. My Mom dismissed the graduate student and wanted me to get diagnosed by a professional. It was difficult.

I was texting a friend when I went to call the suicide prevention hotline. Except I felt like shit because I wasn’t suicidal and I wasn’t self-harming, so I tried to cut myself before I called. As a way to ….be requiring of that help, then. Because, for some reason, it didn’t count if I didn’t act on it. I must not need help then, was likely the thought process.

I couldn’t cut myself. I…tried, but it didn’t work. I was at my loose ends. If I couldn’t even self-harm properly what the hell was I doing?

 

It was then that depression spoke to me.

“There’s nothing you can do. You’ve tried everything and nothing is working. Nothing will ever work.”

And the light switch went off. I knew what I had to do, and I couldn’t believe I never thought about killing myself before. It made perfect sense. I had to die. To make the pain stop, to get relief, to find freedom, I had to kill myself. … Suicide was my answer.


For 8 hours the following morning I laid in a fetal position on my bed, fantasizing about suicide. I thought then, that what I was dealing with was still just OCD, but I was very, very wrong. Something wasn’t right. I could not feel myself in my body. I was …elsewhere. Nowhere. Nothing.

Every breath was a battle. I was exhausted. I just wanted to be dead. It felt that I was already dead and by killing myself, I was just making all of me dead. I felt nothing. I was nothing. Nothing mattered and nothing would ever matter.

I was only able to get up and move again when I scratched myself. Self-harm was becoming a way of…living again.


The following six days I fixated–note, NOT obsessed, but fixated– on suicide. I planned, I planned, I found details, I found access, I researched, I fixated. Suicide was ALL I thought about. It was all I was interested in. It required all of my time to make my plan just so. I read multiple websites and articles about how to kill myself and how to prevent myself from killing myself. My true self was still there-anxious and afraid, not wanting to die, knowing things could change, that I could survive. But…

I was either going to die by suicide or I was going to survive and call it self-harm. Those were the only two options.. I never considered I’d get high.

6 days later, on January 6th 2015, I tried to kill myself.

It was a shitty experience. I didn’t last long before I asked for help from friends, not exactly saying “Hey, I just tried killing myself” but rather “Hey, not feeling too great right now, anyone can chat would be great, thannnnks”. I didn’t get any response.

So I told a friend of mine and proceeded to talk on the phone with her for 2 hours.

I went to work that day like nothing had happened.

It was only the next day where my mind plagued me again and I wondered exasperatedly why I tried to kill myself and why I didn’t take more to actually get the job done.


When my graduate student came back, I told him what had happened. Reluctantly, but I told him.

I wasn’t ready to give up on my suicide plans though. I still had intention of dying by suicide thereafter.

I was first hospitalized on January 29th..I think of 2015.

I relapsed again with scratching myself after that, and landed in the hospital again on March 2nd 2015.

My dark days began the foundation of my recovery journey. In March 2015 I was so resigned to having to die by suicide, that I genuinely thought nobody would stop me from doing so.

Instead, when I confessed to the graduate student, they promptly gave me my one-way ticket to the psych ward. I was picked up by ambulance from the counseling center that very day.

By the middle of March, having found a psychiatrist, I began my second round of medications. It was this medication that would be the key for me. Something I’m still on now.

In April 2015, I managed to not have to go to the counseling center at all–whereas before I was going for multiple crisis appointments.

March 2nd 2015 began my nearly four month recovery journey from scratching myself. In May 2015 I had to go back to the counseling center for suicidality, but I managed to get to my therapist that afternoon (who I had been seeing twice a week since the middle of February) and to finish off the semester.

On June 2nd 2015, I began my third hospitalization, after I had written extensively about my suicidal thoughts and written my suicide note in the form of a poem and acted on several suicide related thoughts (although I backed out of a few too).

In my third hospitalization it was brought to my attention that I was identifying as the OCD, as the depression and as a suicidal blob. I began the work on reattaining my identity from there.

I still struggled with suicidality and scratching myself. At the end of June 2015 I tried to kill myself again. It was that suicide attempt that made me realize the BULLSHIT I was being told by my brain and the lies I had believed from the OCD and the depression. It was then that I realized suicide was NOT freedom. Suicide was regret and a mistake, and I didn’t want to die by that way.

This has waxed and waned since then but the message itself is still intact: Feelings are temporary and suicide is a permanent action to a temporary crisis. Crises pass.

And there’s so much stationary out there to love.

In November 2015, I was admitted into the OCD Institute, and stayed there for 5 weeks.

In January 2016, I began school again. I wound up writing for the Mass Media, my school’s newspaper. I wound up being VERY open about my struggles with mental health. I passed my classes, I made it through the semester, and I made lots of new friends. I got trained as a NAMI In Our Own Voice presenter in March 2016 and have done about 10 maybe presentations since then (my next one is this Saturday). I made this blog at the end of May 2016, where I discuss my experiences and my journey of recovery extensively.

I’m currently taking a Statistics course where I’m near the top of my class at the moment. I’m alive today and more days I’m happy with that. I have my reasons to live, I have goals and dreams I want to achieve, and words I have yet to say and write.

It’s been a hell of a journey, and every day of sunshine has been worth it. I know I skipped over some parts quickly and this isn’t so in-depth of my journey, but I’ve written a LOT about it before, you just have to know where to find it on this blog.

I’m no stranger to telling my story, which is good because I want to give a TEDtalk on it in 2018. I’m practicing and practicing before that point in time.

 

I hope that my blog can be one of hope and inspiration to any of those suffering from mental health issues out there in the world. I hope this post while long, has given others out there a testament to what OCD really is, and how dire and serious it is and can become.

This is probably the best condensed version I could have written, and the least amount of OCD I could have had writing it.

I have less parting words than that for the end of this post. I suppose, just, remember that recovery is possible and if you ever want to talk, I’m here and you can reach out to me. ❀ ❀ ❀

 

STAY SAFE!

IMG_00002898 The artist behind this blog. ❀

 

Two Places for #Go Fix Fighters to Share Stories

Today’s looking like a links day to other places! That’s all good though πŸ™‚

Any who, for those of you who have personally dealt with suicidal ideation, made suicide attempts or have lost a loved one to suicide, Active Minds is hosting their Suicide Prevention Month Awareness on their blog and they needs peeps just like us who have dealt with such shitty hands but came out ON TOP shouting and singing our survivor song!

The guidelines are to share your story in 500 – 750 words! I know, it’s short! But this is just ONE PLACE to share your story!

Before that though, here are the details:

Reasons to Blog with them , The Submission Form

NOTE: You CAN remain anonymous if you wish!!!

SECOND PLACE!

ART IS SURVIVAL I know one of the founders from school of this nonprofit organization, and they DO send artwork to you INTERnationally, so you can get some free artwork after submitting your story either anonymously or not!

They are also doing SUICIDE PREVENTION/SELF-HARM month for SEPTEMBER.

AND October is abuse stories month, which I think one of my favorite pop tarts MIGHT be interested in, again you can be anonymous. πŸ™‚

 

SO YEAH!

Get started writing your stories up, guys!! I know I’ll be doing a few for Active Minds, ART IS SURVIVAL (again!), and for the Mass Media. Ooo, I have NEWS for you guys, man oh man. Also, I think I may wind up doing that 11 week course, I think it’s something that will be good for me, it’s just tricky since I have early days on MWF and Friday’s are my LONNNNNNNG days. Hmmmm. I’ll have to mention the idea elsewhere (to my parents that is)

BUT YEAH.

Keep on writing and get those words flowing!!! πŸ™‚

And you know what, why not? If you write any awareness posts about your mental health, suicidality or self-harm stories, I’ll also feature them for the month of September on my blog too, if you’re okay with that! Just message me here or through email, we can figure something out. πŸ˜‰

 

ALSO I have UPDATES AND DREAMS AND IDEAS FOR #RECOVERYHOME so stay tuned. πŸ™‚

Today’s another quite EXCITING and HAPPY day. πŸ˜€

AIRY’BUDDY PARTAAAAYYYY!!!!!!!!!!

πŸ˜€

That is all.

Peer to Peer Course in Plymouth MA | Contact if Interested

Hey guys!

So I just got an email message in my inbox that if some of you happen to live in MA are interested in, I’d love to share with you! I don’t think it’s quite right for me to publish the attachment on here since it can go globally, but if you are across the globe and would like information about ideas of bringing something similar to your town, send me a message at my contact page, too!

For those of you who happen to follow me and live in MA too, there’s a great opportunity to learn more about recovery and build your recovery journey from mental health issues starting Thursday Sept 8th 2016 from 6:30 – 9:00p. Again, it’s in Plymouth, and if you’d like more information, send me a message!

I think it sounds like a fantastically AWESOME opportunity and I’m going to be trying to jump on board with it myself, as I have classes MWF only this coming semester so I’ll have free time on those TuThs and should be able to commit to something like this. I don’t know, I think it could be fun and great and that’s snazzy. Plus the flyers look hella awesome.

Just wanted to toss that idea out to some of you, in case you follow me either on WP or not, if you keep up with this blog and if you happen to be in MA!

 

Again, just fill out my contact page or send me an email if you know it and I’ll fill you in with the deets! πŸ™‚

It’s still early in the day so expect some posts out of me tonight! πŸ™‚ I’m quite excited for tomorrow’s alliteration day and I have plenty of good news for you guys, too! πŸ˜€

 

Hope you’re swell and well!

❀ ❀ ❀

Not Maybe, But Definitely

Daily Prompt = Maybe

The world has gone on long enough

Treating the mentally ill awful and rough.

From mocking our symptoms

To dismissing us as self-proclaimed victims.

We huddle in our corners

Isolated and grieving like mourners.

Cut off from the world

Our damaged souls frayed and furled.

We want to come out

And shout all about

“Look at me! Look at me!

I exist, don’t you see?”

Why do you choose

To turn your back on us like we are an unlit fuse?

“Can’t you see? Can’t you see?

All that you are doing to me?”

Your eyes are glued to the skies

The clouds not parting, muffling our cries.

“How can’t you hear me? How do you not care?”

“No!” You snap back. “I do care–I just cannot bear–“

“Bear what?” We reply. “This is our burden to carry.”

“Maybe,” you mutter, “but it is too often scary.”

“It is scary because you do not understand!

The light that scatters through us, falling like sand!”

“And how am I to know,

If you are strong enough or to fall like snow?”

“Because we are mighty and strong!

We sing our beautiful survivor song!”

“A song you sing? What is this you speak of?”

“Listen well, and you will see our love–

We sing of courage, of strength and light,

We sing long into the prowess of night!

We are human and we feel

That our experiences are very real.

We may cry, we may linger

We may stumble along like a make believe figure.

But we are tough–in body and in mind

And we will stand no longer for you to be unkind.

We demand our powerhouse to be seen.

Our voices linger and they are not keen

On being silenced and hidden for any longer

Maybe this is something you should ponder

We are ill in mind

And while you may be blind,

It does not make us broken,

Rather allows us to be spoken–

That we are not alone

And that we shall be known

As gladiators. As warriors. As fighters.

Some of us may even be writers.

We are strangers no more,

Doctors, artists, professionals galore!

We have degrees,

This we shall decree!

We are just like you,

Similar, but with a different view.”

“I–I see,” you stammer “there is more of you than just one.”

“Why, but of course, my friend. Why ever would there be none?”

“I…still do not completely understand what it is you see

How you can live this life and just be.”

“It is through time

And much patience that we develop our climb

Yet it is worthwhile for us to find our hope,

To believe in a better tomorrow and positively cope.

Our journeys may be chaotic,

But to some of us, we smile and say ‘exotic’.

And with resiliency we manage to live,

With meaning and purpose we choose to give

To those in our community who still struggle

And for those of you who have yet to juggle

What it is like to be sick,

With no choice allowed to pick

What it is that inflicts us,

So thus,

We ask to be shown patience in kind,

For us to learn and find

What it means to be happy to be alive,

For we may always strive

To live a life worth living,

For you to be forgiving,

And for us to be proud,

That we’ve been allowed,

To bring life to another day

Where eventually we are okay.

Public vs Private: How Open to be Online?

This is a question I’ve been considering more and more these days. One of my favorite pop tarts ran into some trouble with publicity and privacy and now I find myself questioning some of the same things.

Mainly, my birthday is coming up relatively soon and I’m not sure whether I should release that information of when my birthday is to you all on here. Especially for the rest of you that exist BEYOND where this blog reaches WordPress users.

I’m leaning more towards just blogging about my birthday without mentioning exactly WHEN that day is, maybe to some of my closer blogger friends I’ll mention it, but not to the whole LOAD of you out there. Don’t take offense, though. It’s just a matter of personal safety.

For instance, maybe shouldn’t have my first and last name online. Ah well. You don’t know my middle name though! NO ONE DOES BUAHAHA Not online technically speaking at least.

I mention what state I’m in, where I go to school, often to places sometimes that I’ve been or will be at, I have my name out there and photos of myself….it feels okay and right for right now for me to keep when my birthday really is more to myself than to you all. I’ve had it up before on my DA account and even though it looks REALLY weird without it there, I’ve taken it off for now.

Maybe things will change in the future but for right now, I’m weary (wary?) and unsure.

I also think I will keep my Mom and Dad and other siblings under my tongue for now, too. I.e not posting pictures of them, at least my parents, my brother’s already out there in the world too. Lmao

So yeah, I think that is what I’ll do. I’ll post about my birthday when it comes but I won’t mention explicitly when it is or anything. I notice I haven’t spoken publicly about my age yet on here anyways, which is just by chance. (let’s not calculate the alpha % of that right now, shall we?)

I don’t know, what do you guys think? I’d love to hear your thoughts and where you stand on the topic about what is too much information sharing and all that jazz.

For now, I’m going to cover up my tracks. If I change my mind in the future, well, I change my mind. Thank you for being understanding and listening. ❀ ❀ ❀

Borderline Personality Disorder Demystified | Book Review

Borderline Personality Disorder Demystified by Robert O. Friedel, MD.

IMG_00002735


Β PLOT/WHAT IT’S ABOUT:

This book, BPD Demystified by Robert O. Friedel is a decade old account of sufferers with borderline disorder, treatment options (medications and modalities), hope, research, what the symptoms are and the biological basis/risk factors are, as well as including two personal anecdotal accounts of people living with the disorder.

I would recommend this book to anyone suffering from this condition–from family members or friends who know someone dealing with borderline disorder–as well as anyone in the general public or mental health realm (i.e. studying psychology) who is open to learning more about the conditions’ basicsΒ  and what people who live with it may commonly go through.

Since this book is from 2004 I’m very curious and interested to spend some of my next free time looking and reading up on any new research studies about the condition. This book is out of date in regards to the DSM but if you use it as a guide and not a permanent rule book, you can gather a lot out of this reading.


RECOMMENDATION SCORE:

5/5 DBT’s


QUOTES:

  1. “People who suffer from medical disorders benefit greatly from the information that is available to them. This knowledge helps them see that they have a well-defined illness and that others share their condition. It also enables them to understand the nature and cause of their illness and to realize that doctors have well researched and effective treatments for their illness” – p. XIII

From this, we can gather how effective and helpful it is to have a community of understanding and compassion when it comes to mental health disorders.

2. “(Insert BPD misconception here) To a significant degree, BPD is the result of disturbances in brain pathways that regulate emotion and impulse control” – p. XIV

So any of you dip shits out there: stop being a dip shit. (I’m mainly talking about those people who think mental health issues don’t “exist” somehow. :roll:)

3. “Because of the chronic, recurrent and episodic nature of their symptoms, and the additional problems they experience, they, their families, and their friends lose hope” – p. XV

😦 Wait for it, though!

4. “If you have BPD, please do not lose hope. Be persistent in your efforts. Participate actively in the development of your treatment program and then stick to it” – p. XVII

5. “It takes great courage to struggle on with the symptoms of BPD, but do so with the knowledge that others have persevered and have been rewarded by gaining much more control over their lives than they ever believed possible. You can, too” – p/ XVII

6. “[author will use the term borderline disorder] because I’ve had many patients tell me that the term borderline disorder is less offensive to them and helps them to accept the fact that they have this medical disorder” – p. XVIII

I’d randomly like to say in this moment that this post will be LONG and has taken a long time to get out, sadly D:

7. “The emotions of people with BD are often very unstable and undergo rapid changes that they have difficulty controlling, referred to as emotional lability
– p. 3

8. “You may find that you become very upset when something bad happens to someone else. You may even feel that it is almost happening to you” – p. 3

I think the second part of that, beyond BD, can be experienced by other people too. So it may be the case that sometimes more of us without BD can relate to those with BD that deal with this truth as well. In which case, HUGS FOR EVERYONE (unless you don’t like hugs).

9. “Emotions do not return to their normal level as quickly as they do in people without BD” – p. 4

10. “She added that, when severe, this feeling was so emotionally painful that she would do almost anything to relieve it, even cut or burn herself, although the emotional pain always returned shortly thereafter” – p/ 6

It may be the case where I don’t add too much in between quotes in this review, as there are legitimately 42 quotes I’ve written out for this piece. Like I said, it’s a LONG post. I’m hoping it WILL come out this Tuesday though.

11. “If you receive proper help you will not reach this level of desperation (drug abuse) either. You have a much better opportunity to receive effective treatment for your disorder than has ever been available before” – p. 43

A truth which can also be a possibility for others suffering from all sorts of conditions as greater expansions and treatments are revealed each day of the future with science and medicine. πŸ™‚ YAY!

12. “I deeply believe that the effort you devote to learning as much as you can about BD ultimately will be well rewarded by your gaining a great deal more control over your life than you have experienced in the past. Knowledge is the edge that gives you an advantage in life” 0 p. 46

13. “The consistency of the symptoms of BD over a 65 year period of careful observation and research is a major indication that this diagnosis has validity and integrity” 0 p. 49 (AKA, don’t be a dip shit)

14. “This meant the issues of excessive dependency, clinging behaviors, unrealistic expectations and overly negative reactions had to be dealt with consistently and in a nonjudgmental manner” p – 50

15. “Projection is the unconscious psychological attempt to deal with anxiety by attributing one’s own unacceptable attributes to the outside world” – p. 52

Ohhhh, me and projection! We just go WAY BACK! XD

16. “The symptoms of BD have been recognized since the time of Hippocrates” – p. 60

17. “What is inherited are genetic mutations that impair the normal functions of those neural systems that control the core behavioral dimensions of BD: regulation of emotion, impulse control, and perception and reasoning” – p. 66

18. “Considering the enormous number of neural pathways and connections in the brain, it is not surprising that some of these pathways and connections do not always develop correctly. The greater the number of incorrect neural communications in the brain, the greater the likelihood is that a developmental disorder will occur” – p. 67

19. “Society rarely provides children at risk of BD with values that they can emulate and that would help stabilize their precarious view of life. In such an unstable environment, they are unable to feel secure about their fate and what the future holds for them” – p. 70

20. “This doesn’t meant that they no longer have any symptoms, but that the symptoms are significantly reduced in severity, and that they cause less disruption in the patients’ and their family’s lives” – p. 81 (about RECOVERY)

It’s important to remind ourselves of what recovery IS and what it is NOT. And it’s most certainly not a measure of the LACK of existence of a mental illness, but that that mental illness is no longer in the majority of control over your life. I.e. that your symptoms are less severe and you can still manage to LIVE WITH the disorder.

*Gwah, one other post out of the way*

21. “One of the main factors that determines the rate and degree of your improvement is your remaining in treatment as long as necessary” – p. 85

22. “It’s important to understand that the severity of BD is not the same for everyone who has it. Some people have very mild forms of BD and respond extremely well to treatment. Others have more severe forms of the disorder where the treatment plan is more complex” – p. 85-86

This applies to other mental health/physical conditions as well. I know it may be obvious, but I know I tend to forget this at times. Remember to gauge the person you’re addressing and how their experience is affecting them, rather than what that situation is itself. (i.e. it’s not how ‘bad’ the situation is but how badly it’s affecting someone).

23. “If you or a loved one suffers from severe BD, the situation is not hopeless. It does mean that you’ll have to expend more effort and patience to get better” – p. 86

True for many other conditions at well. It’s not that you can’t do it, it’s that you may not have the tools available to you at this moment to get better effectively and in a positive manner. ❀ ❀ ❀ Keep working at it though!!!

24. “Many people with BD have difficulty effectively controlling their impulses and behaving in a reasonable and rational manner, especially when they are in a highly emotional state. At such times, you may find it extremely difficult, if not impossible, to calm yourself down and to reassure yourself. Because of this, you don’t have time to think through the situation you’re in carefully in order to make a well-balanced decision on how to handle it” – p. 89

25. “Low to moderate levels of stress and emotional response appear to increase memory while high levels interfere with memory formation and recall. This close relationship may explain why some people with BD have episodes of long lapses of memory when under high stress” . – p. 98

26. “BD is the result of disturbances in specific neural pathways in the brain and is not a result of intentional or willful behavior” – p. 104

27. “The use of alcohol and street drugs leads to a dramatic worsening of BD symptoms and also decreases the effectiveness of medications and therapy” – p. 113

This tends to occur with other mental health issues as well, of which I’m quite wary of ever drinking now in the future. ^^’

28. “Medications can help lessen the severity of symptoms and can also set the stage for the best possible results from the work of therapy” – p. 130

Again, another notion that can be applicable to other mental health conditions. Using medication is less of a sign of weakness or a crutch and more of something to just help take the edge off the worst of the worst symptoms and aid one in recovery by allowing the person ability to move through the behavioral aspects safely.

29. “In order to be effective all forms of therapy require changes in old behavioral habits that do not work well. Habits are difficult to break, especially when they need to be replaced by new behaviors that are at first a little strange and frightening” – p. 130

We are ALMOST DONE.

Pro tip in this spot: If you are working on changing some old negative coping strategy behaviors, practice the positive coping strategies when you are feeling WELL. That way when you feel bad, you’ll more likely recall and act on a positive coping strategy that you’ve built up a good relationship with and then use it when you’re down and TADA maybe it helps and you get some free time to just enjoy yourself from whatever hellhole you were in before.

30. “The successful journey to a more stable, happy and satisfying life for people living with BD depends on a number of factors, but it’s essential that you understand clearly and believe deeply that you , more than anyone or anything else, have the ability and responsibility for gaining control over your own life” 0 p. 131

31. “You have to take responsibility for building the foundation for your own recovery. Patience and persistence are crucial to your success. You must learn to exert the self-discipline required to do what needs to be done. These can be developed, especially with the proper help, and as you achieve small and large successes, failures become less common” 0 p. 131

32. “It’s critical that you have a safe, supportive and effective relationship with a person who is able to help you learn about your illness, how it affects you, and how to make those changes that will enable you to gain the best possible control over your emotions, impulsive behaviors, thought patterns and relationships” – (forgot page number whoops)

33. “In DBT you are usually discouraged from using the hospital as a means of controlling your emotional tensions, since the goal of treatment is to learn to manage the current emotional crisis in more effective ways” – p. 156

34. “It’s particularly reassuring to attempt to help one another deal more effectively with these problems by discussing new strategies that have been attempted and their results” (On groups) p – 156-157

35. “They viewed their bedrooms or apartments as safe havens, except when they felt depressed or desperate. At these times, some realized that it was dangerous to be alone because of the great impulse to hurt themselves” – p. 185

36. “It’s clear that it’s very helpful to stay involved with your family member with the disorder. Understanding their perspective is an important early step in the process” – p. 186

37. “But if you think about it, there’s no reason to assume that a complex organ like the brain is less susceptible to diseases that affect behavior than are other bodily organs that result in physical symptoms” – p. 191

38. “Realize that people with BD didn’t acquire their problem through any actions of their own nor do they enjoy having the disorder” – p. 191

39. “Accept that you cannot get someone into treatment. Timing is important as to when someone might be ‘open’ to hearing the idea” – p. 192

40. “Remain positive and optimistic about the ultimate result of treatment especially when your loved one has had a setback” 0 p. (I forgot)

41. “I can assure you that to try your best given the information you have, is all you can do” – p. 196

42. “I believe in the sentiment that extra ordinary achievements are accomplished by ordinary people with an extraordinary passion” – p. 208

 

THAT IS ALL. I AM DONE. GOOD NIGHT FOLKS.

Finallyyyyyyy.

 

Suicide and Mental Health Are NOT ‘Jokes’.

*TW: Suicide and mental health are discussed in this post.

Today’s Prompt = Joke

The problem and the beauty of humanity is that we all have different experiences, different opinions and different senses of humor. We’re all so unique and individual while at the same time so similar and familial.

It’s time for me to take another stand.

I’m tired of seeing suicide joked about by those who don’t understand it, haven’t gone through it or who I mistake for not having gone through it when they have. Some people don’t hold the same opinions as I do, shocking, I know. So I only speak for myself here, to offer one thought amongst the many that are being written and spoken.

I don’t smile when I hear someone say someone else “committed” suicide.

I don’t smile when I see someone wrote that X or Y thing or person is “crazy”.

I don’t laugh when someone doesn’t take another suicidal remark seriously–wherever that remark occurs (in real life and online).

I don’t laugh when someone misuses a mental health issue as some butt end of a joke or statement that when knowing what the actual term MEANS in reality, makes absolutely no sense in the joke itself. I.e. “The weather’s been so bipolar” Actually, no, bipolar disorder is NOT what you think it means. And now you just look like an idiot, perpetuating stigma about mental health issues and showing how ignorant you really are.

I’m tired of people tossing around the term “Ohmygerd, that is soooo OCD”. Like, no. Stop. Your idiocy is showing in remarkably HIGH levels.

Now, maybe I’m just a sensitive idiot, fine, I’ll go by that. But it’s 2016 for god’s sake and it’s time we ALL start changing as a SOCIETY. Not just in America, in every place in the world. I know, it’s a high feat, but it’s a battle worth spreading. Why?

Because people are dying every day by suicide.

Yeah, people die every day. But suicide? That can be preventable.

We can’t always stop cancer from spreading, or radiation from taking over the sky, or a cough and its viral particles landing in our soup. I don’t even believe we can stop ALL suicides, but I know damn well that we can try and help to save someone else from themselves. Because one life we save may change the ripple effect of the rest of our experiences.

Imagine how things could have been different if some of our most important historical figures had made just one different decision. What if things hadn’t gone the way they did, what if one small decision could have changed the fabric of this reality that we know and live in right now?

Life is beautiful and it is precious. It’s also a major bitch, but we’re here anyway, so we might as well have the best time of it that we can.

 

You do NOT have to die by suicide. You CAN choose a different path. You ARE strong, you ARE worthy and you CAN recover. It does not have to end this way. You ARE important, you are a SURVIVOR and you may be the very reason someone else is alive today–or you could be for someone you have yet to meet in the very future.

 

If I had died by suicide, I wouldn’t be able to speak to you all right now. I wouldn’t have made the new artwork that I did, I wouldn’t be making the new friends that I am through this community, and I disclose that because it’s IMPORTANT.

We all have to take suicide and mental health issues more seriously. No, your handbag is NOT OCD, your wardrobe isn’t bipolar, your dog isn’t ‘crazy’.

People who suffer from mental health issues are PEOPLE. God knows, animals who also suffer from mental health issues are still animals.

Not even someone who is out of reality, is ‘crazy’. They’re ill. There IS a significant difference.

You or your friend or your family member or your fellow stranger–they are living with a medical condition that affects their brains. It EXISTS, other people EXIST with it TOO and it doesn’t make them weak for having it. In fact, having to deal with any mental health or physical health condition makes a person a whole lot stronger, keeping up with life’s shitty hands they were dealt with and living their lives despite it.

 

What’s my point in all this? It’s okay to ask, I forgot it, too.

My point is that suicide and mental health issues are not jokes. Some people can laugh at a joke about suicide–maybe they’ve gone through it themselves, maybe they laugh because it feels true to them, maybe they laugh for a hundred other reasons. And, some people don’t laugh. Some people get triggered-and no, Internet, that doesn’t mean what you think it means. Some people deal with flashbacks to their darkest days of considering suicide, some people have lost someone they knew to suicide or by suicide in the manner that you’re joking about, some people have contemplated suicide in that manner or are now thinking of it based on that ‘joke’ you mentioned for a fraction of a second.

We don’t know what each other is going through. We all have our struggles. Does this mean we should never joke about anything ever?

No. Humor can be a helpful tool in recovery for those who have struggled. It’s often actually that people who can joke about mental health issues or suicide have struggled with it themselves. It may be a way of confessing their inner demons, of trying to relate to someone else, of talking about such a dark subject in a humorous manner. It may be a way of healing, and their way of healing may likely not be the way you heal.

Does that mean your reaction isn’t valid? No. Your emotional reaction is your emotional reaction. That experience is yours and yours alone. We can’t exactly argue with other people about what they really think or feel, because only they truly know for themselves.

My issue is less with people who joke about suicide or mental health issues knowingly–but with the people who joke about these topics withOUT knowing what it is like to deal with them. And, honestly, we can often tell pretty well–because you sound uneducated, like a plain idiot and you perpetuate stigmatization rather than opening a discussion about these serious topics. You make it sound petty and flippant without having experienced it yourself or known others who have.

Or maybe you’re just an Asshole. They exist, too.

 

This post is more a flow of consciousness than a succinct, understandable argument. But one point of mine led to another and then another. And still, it feels unfinished. If you’ve made it this far, I encourage you to read on until the end.

Suicide by mental health issues and by non-mental health related issues is preventable. When we lose someone to suicide, it is a tragic loss. Who knows what that person could have done with their lives had they been able to live another day. Many mental illnesses are treatable and recovery is very often possible and able to be experienced. Even the most hopeless person can find their way to recovery with enough hard work, effort and hope and a good leap of faith.

So much of our society is scared or uncomfortable talking about suicide and mental health. Suicide IS a scary topic. To find out someone you love is thinking about ending their lives is frightening. Why? Because that’s someone you love and care about. That’s someone you want to see live a happy life and go on to fulfill their dreams and have a positive brightness to the world around them. That’s someone you know–or it’s someone you don’t know. But it’s someone you COULD know if they stay alive, rather than if they wind up dead.

But society gets complicated–with laws, with religion, with the government, with stigma, with treating people as people. Unfortunately, it may be like this for a while. But that doesn’t mean it’s not worth putting each and every effort into the world to make it a better, safer place.

Suicide is scary because we have to confront the fact that other people may not be experiencing life the same way we are–or worse, exactly in the same way we are. Suicide is scary because it forces us to face the fact that we cannot and will not be able to control the actions of another person. That IS truly frightening. If we don’t have control, what do we have?

We still have empowerment, the tools of recovery, the positive coping strategies, the warmth love and support of a fellow human being, the ability to listen in a nonjudgmental way.

So you don’t know how to approach someone who is struggling with suicidal ideation? Read up on it. Google it. Search for the answers that are out there. Search for the blogs that talk about it, that shed light onto such a dark and lonely experience. Dare to be open and dare to be willing to learn about it.

Dare to talk about suicide. Dare to talk about mental health issues.

Every time we educate ourselves and those around us, we spread a new ripple into the ripples of the past. Things change by what we DO–or, what we don’t do.

When you feel safe, secure and ready to do so, speak out about suicide and mental health. You may want to tread more carefully online, but if you find something concerning talk to the person about it. They may or may not be willing to talk about it, respect that unless you feel they are truly unsafe in their current state.

 

If joking about suicide is a way for you to express how dire your situation is, I suggest you keep doing it. I also suggest for those around you to learn how to approach you about the subject–by asking you about it abruptly, saying the words “Are you suicidal?”

Talking about it is better than not talking about it.

We lose too many people day by day to the silence wrapped around suicide and mental health issues like a glove. It’s about time we start cutting off the threads of that glove. It’s time we start lighting up our candles and our lighthouses and open our mouths to talk about these important, potentially life or death (or high injury) topics.

People don’t die by talking about suicide. People DO die by not talking about suicide.

 

Sometimes the only way I could communicate my distress was to make a joke about suicide, about wanting to kill myself. More than 90% of people laughed at my joke. Only a small handful ever questioned my sincerity.

Please. If someone is openly (or not so openly but you are noticing signs and symptoms) talking about suicide, ask them if they are suicidal, if they have a plan, if they have intent. And get them the help that they need.

They may be angry with you, but an angry person is better than a dead person. A dead person who, with enough time, could have saved themselves.

 

Remember, someone who is mentally ill, is just that: dealing with a sickness. Just like your common cold, your hepatitis, your cancer. No one chooses to have a mental illness. We don’t go to the grocery store called life and decide to choose to have depression or schizophrenia. It just happens to us-by whatever means. It’s up to us how we deal with it and what responsibility we take a hold of our lives.

Before you say something flippant about suicide-think for a moment who might be listening. Consider the impact of your words, because words ARE powerful. They can both free us and damage us. And we don’t know exactly who may be affected by such syllables.

 

 

Stay safe. ❀ ❀ ❀

 

Patience is a Luxury

Today’s Prompt ~ Luxury

To be patient in life is to immerse one’s self in the present moment, unhindered by the past or the future, merely existing and being in the moment as that moment unfolds and the seconds tick past forming the once experienced into the now gone.

To be patient in life is to take the more natural path. To not be so quick to hasten the ending, but rather to enjoy the scenery as you walk a mile, another, and another.

To be patient in life is to exert much determination yet a willingness to let the moments slide into one another, even if it’s with bated annoyance that you comply.

To be patient is to enjoy the moment. Moment by moment, life begins. We’re not exactly told when our lives come to an end, and it may be that with this patience we unfold for our dreams, that we may never get to see them sparkle into creation.

For some, that is a shame. For others, they made their journey worthwhile. Not all of us get to live out our dreams, so for those of us who can make the effort, please do. Reach for the stars and land amongst the galaxies.

Sometimes we can be impatient creatures huddled together for warmth on this cold, vast rock. But we are mere specks in this universe, so easy to be wiped clear off, so enjoy the moments that you have, because we’re not guaranteed the rest of them.

 

And be patient with yourself and your dreams, you’ll get there one day, young child. Maybe even before you’re ready.

 

 

❀ ❀ ❀