Highly Activated Suicidality

*TW* Explicit mention of suicide/self-harm in this post. Please tread carefully.

I only have a few minutes before my friend, Mr. T.S., arrives at my house and we go out to Target to buy me some more stationary. Yes, you read that right.

Why?

Because I got massively triggered by an unfortunate ending to a Youtuber’s vlog that mentioned a fan wearing their merchandise and someone at the fan’s school telling them to “kill themselves” because of it. It was the most UNEXPECTED trigger and I was immediately filled with dread.

And because I was working on my drawing from my class a few weeks ago, it just brought up all of THOSE memories about suicidality and self-harm and hospitals and police officers and bam! Just, unhelpful.

I worked through it with the help of my Dad who picked up the drawing and helped me spray it down outside, but he had to go pick up my Mom from the airport.

So then I was alone and highly depressed and this is without you or my friend knowing about all the SHIT that hit the fan yesterday–meaning, I tried to either kill myself/self-harmed once when I took an OD of the only medication out in my vicinity, next when I tried to slit my wrist on a toilet paper dispenser at school, next when I tried to find pills at the bookstore (but bought candy instead), next when I tried finding a ledge to fall off of for 35 minutes on campus (there were either people smoking, socializing or eyes from the building that deterred me), then I told a complete stranger how suicidal I was which led (from my own volition) me to the counseling center for a crisis appointment which later led me to telling someone else my difficult day and getting walked to class which led to me being at Photo Club and that going okay and finding out more people I can lean on for support which led to me feeling bad again and calling a hotline then to talking with Craig and then feeling safe enough to get to my therapist’s.

 

Basically, I’ve been actively suicidal to the MAX in the last day or so.

All the memories are not helping my situation either, but I have to try and just… NOT act on my thoughts which is so so soooo hard. But acting on them doesn’t help me in the slightest. Not anymore.

So, that’s where I’m at right now. I don’t have much of my recovery to wellness shit together. The OCD and the depression are really beating me up pretty good. However, I’ve started on an upped dosage of one of my meds so the long term will likely be better… I just have to SURVIVE right now.

 

I am a SURVIVOR. I will make it THROUGH this. YOU WILL TOO.

Let’s walk this road together, peeps.

 

Stay strong, stay safe, and keep on keeping on.

I’ll update you guys later–after I get some stationary 🙂 If not, probably tomorrow during the day.

 

Thank YOU For all of your support. You guys have helped me in so many ways, honestly. Sending big HUGS!!! ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤

Brief Update | Unexpected Hospitalization

Hello:

Friends, fellow bloggers and new followers.

Raquel here. Very tired, I must admit, and even feeling a little emotionally exhausted. I will be needing to go to sleep in the next few moments but I wanted to mark today as the day I got out of my fourth psychiatric hospitalization.

I’d go into more detail, but I’m very, very tired. If I wake up early tomorrow morning, I will work on a new post.

Just know that I had a suicidal crisis last Friday evening and got sent to the nearest ER via ambulance. I spent my week inpatient and now I am back to the world of the Internet and cell phones. I also did some fun new artwork while inside, too.

I can’t wait to get back into blogging. I’ll be home early tomorrow afternoon. I’m so tired now though that the OCD is knocking on my window, and I’ve been told and learned this past week not to answer its pestering calls… this isn’t the best of posts, but I finally sent out emails to my professors and checked around with my messages lately. I think it’s time for me to sign off.

 

I hope you all are well. Please stay safe. ❤ I will do my best, too.

It’s been a while…

…and it’s been quiet! Let’s break out of the silence like some badass motherfuckers, shall we? 😀

So, it’s been almost two–okay a week and a half–of school. It’s going well! I got that limited amount of sleep but survived the day last week, and you guys got a (re)framing Friday out, too! Yippee!

I’ll have a late one this week, as I’ve gotten sidetracked a few times today with the OCD >_> and just thinking about the past and stigma and what I may want to say about that in my psych class some day soon (when we cover that material).

Photography Club had its first meeting yesterday!! (Wed) It went swimmingly and it felt really, really good getting back into being the President role of the club and leading a team of photographers around XD ^^’

I recently had a lapse with scratching myself on Monday, eeps. And I got unfortunately triggered from a classmate on Friday last week. But it’s worked out now.

I did an application for this opportunity regarding the JED foundation today, so that’s snazzy! I’ve been filling out my planner — proposed schedule in pencil and actual what happening’s in pen.

I have my first biology quiz I didn’t really prepare for tomorrow D: I should squish in some of that before I go to sleep in a few minutes. My drawing class is fun–tiresome but fun. MWF’s are going to be long ass days for me.

I got a new word limit count for my Mass Media articles (800 max).

I should actually take a picture of my first drawing for class so I can show you guys later… good idea, self.

I have higher hopes for this weekend and getting work done more ahead of time than what I’ve been outputting lately.

I’ve been thinking about you guys and some of your comments you’ve left in the past.

I have to still do some book reviews.

I feel like the ‘perplexed’ daily word prompt has been done before…. O_o

My Mom bought me this fancy sound machine (it has a white noise option and that makes me feel like a professional :D) and the ocean one has been putting me out to sleep successfully each night. 🙂

I should head out for bed, packing for tomorrow and some minor studying.

But, I hope this has been a lovely update! I really want to thank you guys for being so snazzy and awesome and for some of my new followers!! Seriously, you guys rock. ❤ 🙂 I’ll make some time for more blogging this weekend, folks.

 

Stay safe!!!! ❤ ❤ ❤

 

(re)Framing Friday | Week #7

Welcome, to week #7 of (re)Framing Friday! In all hopes and dreams, this will ACTUALLY come out again on a Friday. 🙂 Hooray to scheduled posting!


Music Share of the Week:

(from another song)

Lately I’ve been hard to reach, I’ve been too long on my own. Everybody has a private world where they can be alone, are you calling me? Are you trying to get through? Are you reaching out for me? I’m reaching out for you…

(Chorus)

In my shoes, just to see
What it’s like, to be me
I’ll be you, let’s trade shoes
Just to see what it’d be like to
Feel your pain, you feel mine
Go inside each other’s minds
Just to see what we find
Look at shit through each other’s eyes
But don’t let ’em say you ain’t beautiful, oh
They can all get fucked.
Just stay true to you

Nobody asked for life to deal us
With these bullshit hands we’re dealt
We gotta take these cards ourselves
And flip them, don’t expect no help
Now I could have either just
Sat on my ass and pissed and moaned
Or take this situation in which I’m placed in
And get up and get my own


Video Share of the Week:


Google Images:

suicide_prevention-7

prevntion-7

survivor-7

hero-7


TEDtalk about suicide/prevention:


A quote of hope:

bonus-quote-7


Stay safe, peeps!!! ❤ ❤ ❤

I’m too impatient

THIS. THIS ABOVE VIDEO IS EVERYTHING. Trigger warning for explicit mention of suicide and suicide attempts, as well as mental health issues, but it is THE type of presentation to watch.

I FUCKING LOVE IT!

I am enthralled now from having watched and listened, and I feel ever so inspired. I want to do this. I want to give a TEDtalk. I want to also share my story. We need more people talking about these issues. And I want to be one of those people too.

 

I submitted a proposal for speaking at TED. I just cannot wait until I have a full year of NAMI IOOV presenting experience. I may not necessarily hear back from them, but I submitted something, and that’s enough. That will hold me over for a while.

If by some chance, some miracle, they contact me sooner about it–I WILL CRY. And freak out accordingly and then bust my ass to practice practice practice PRACTICE.

I want to share my story not only about the OCD but about how I have found purpose and am working through towards recovery. I know and I have to tell my story up to that recovery point, the dark days, but I’m so much more excited for the hope that I can unravel. I want my words out there, and spoken about.

I want to inspire other people. I survived yesterday, and I shall survive the next day–the next difficult day that comes my way. I’ve got a goldmine- and it IS all mine. 😉

 

Now I need to get back to the present moment and some early homework. XD

I may be fucked today, but I’m not completely fucked…maybe

So, Raquel got 3.5 hours of sleep last night, which is absolutely horrendous since I normally get 8-9+ hours of sleep. So, you can imagine, today’s going to be FUCKED.

But, I’m holding onto hope that it won’t be completely fucked. Just like any other person, me being hungry and sleep deprived is a dangerous combination. Soon, I’ll take care of the hunger part (by the way, don’t ever try to go to sleep hungry) but the sleep part will be tougher. I’m planning to sleep on the train to school, and definitely 1.5 to either one hour or two during my 3 hour break and I may even cancel therapy alltogether and come home early so I can sleep more too.

Basically my goal today is just to stay awake during class, honor my T-shirt (the suicide prevention one) and try not to act on any of these:

  • a suicidal thought
  • a shits and giggles I’m bored and don’t know what my intentions are actually thought
  • self-harm
  • scratching

This t-shirt may wind up saving my ass (hence the not completely fucked part). Or I may just ignore it. Sorry, sleep deprivation can be damaging and dangerous for me.

I guess we’ll see what happens.

God, I’m tired. 6A.

I wish I had powers to tell the future…

Just so I could know what art medium I’d like to be into the next day. Because it is QUITE difficult to predict the day before what I might want to be doing the NEXT day. Hence, this is my current dilemma as I’m contemplating bringing my sketchbook, writing notebook and positive message supplies. How much is too much? What if I want to do photography, too?

Well, my period is deciding that there won’t be any photography tomorrow…mmm, I sense a writing vibe just from uttering these words above. So, yes to the writing notebook, no to the camera (I’ll do something Th/Sat this week and next Tu) and yes to the sketchbook, just wrapped up in something in case it rains tomorrow (which during certain hours it’s possible to be doing so).

*sigh*

I did some photography today though, which is amazing!

I’ve gotten BACK into my planner, which is also good.

Tomorrow’s the FIRST day of school for me! I’ve likely already mentioned this but I’m taking evolutionary biology, psychological trauma and a drawing class. I just have 2 classes tomorrow, my drawing class is three hours long on Friday’s — which is actually kinda awesome. 🙂

My Mom and I are heading to Belmont for the OCD support group tonight. I was planning to sit in on the lecture, but I’m a little unsure. Maybe I will, get some lecture practice before tomorrow. I probably won’t blog tomorrow. I think I’ll be late to my therapy appointment, I tried calling to change the time of it but I haven’t heard back from my therapist…

Photography Club is NOT stressing me out today, yippee!!! I have finally gotten back access to the SAGroups page so I could manage the roster and accept invitations and invite others to the club. And change our settings for websites and stuff. So that was exciting.

Some people are jumping on the headstart of meeting up tomorrow which (is why I want to move my therapy appointment) is fantastic but also unexpected. And I know I really need to see my therapist in person, so I may keep the appointment at that time and just be late or call again and see if it can be moved an hour later. Sigh.

Did I mention I haven’t been to therapy for nearly two weeks? Could be a contributing factor.

I did much better today than yesterday though, even if my back pack and period hasn’t made the greatest of impressions on me P:

I’m getting nervous on the prospect of school but I bet it’ll go all right. I’ll try not to think about it. XD I just worry I will be seriously exhausted. Though I do have a 3 hour break so I could sleep during that and cope and eat and stuff. Yeah.

Okay well, I gotta go.

Thanks for reading, peeps! Hope your days/any of you heading back to school goes well!!!!

Stay safe. ❤ ❤ ❤

(re)Framing Friday | Week #6

Woot woot, (late) week #6!!!

 Music Share of the Week:

Because Rachel Platten is love. ❤


Video Share of the Week:

I quite enjoy watching Daz Games as of late and his commentary is, I find, hilarious. I busted out laughing at 15:55 (start at 15:42) in his video linked below and I literally couldn’t stop for a good two or three minutes. Fucking HILARIOUS. His reaction that is.

WARNING: The original video likely contains a troll who is claiming she was raped by being saved from drowning (in that, she was handled without her permission (she was unconscious) and is therefore claiming rape). There are screams throughout her Star Wars is about periods video so be careful of that, too. And she mentions transgenderism, too. Just, watch the video, it will all make sense.

But yeah, his reaction to what she says around 15:42 is just so priceless! I will include another one of my personal favorites as well, from when he’s playing a video game. 🙂


For September: Some Suicide Awareness Themed Images (from Google):

a-6sui-6suicide-6

Above: Do’s and Don’ts regarding suicide prevention awareness. I’ll be including related images throughout the month about warning signs, misconceptions, etc. I may even have to make some on my own (because there’s a limited amount out there in the world for some reason).

suicide_awareness-6


BONUS ROUND:

My friend Lottie shared this fantabulous song:

 

Take care of each other and stay safe, my friends. ❤ ❤ ❤

When Stress Hits a 7

Hello X,

What did you mean by “sorry to bother”? Unfortunately, you’ve caught me during a bad time. Photography Club hasn’t been up and running since spring 2014, as in the fall 2014 I was diagnosed with OCD and everything kinda hit the fan then. I’ve been through a lot since then, and am not up to 100% all right-ness anymore. Hence why I’m emailing this to you from this address, not that I’m ashamed of it or anything but I feel I couldn’t be as blunt there than I could on here. None of this is kept hidden either, and if I do tell you my full truth, I’m so sorry for putting you in any difficult position. Know that I’m all right and will stay safe.

Basically, the IDEA of the start of the semester is looming over my head so much the last couple of days, and the secondary depression that I deal with has been holding the sail more than anything else. Because of that, while we do have a new treasurer for the position, I am noticing that I get easily overwhelmed.

Basically, Photo Club makes me want to kill myself. And, I know on some level and by what a friend told me, it literally should not. But it does. And then the idea of the semester and even more stress makes me want to kill myself even more.

I won’t go into greater detail as it’s not fair to you and not your burden to carry.

What you said about the doodle poll is a good idea. I cannot access SAGRoups at the moment so I’m a little helpless in contacting the range of people and potential members fully. A few of the new members I have spoken to have addressed that they are free during that time or I’m still waiting on receiving their schedules. I am only on campus MWF, and I have the Mass Media at 3p on Mondays, and no time on Friday’s, except for my 10a-1p free block. I’m loosely considering Wed’s at 3p too, but that isn’t the best of plans for me as it pushes my therapy appointments to the late evening, although we’ll see with how everything else goes.

I’ve emailed our adviser the other day so I should hear back from her in the next day or so about the reactivation process.

I think that’s about it. When we hear more about what times work for each person, we’ll go with the majority of people. It’s unfortunately the way things work out.

I know you didn’t really sign up for my thought dump but, thank you for reading. It was actually pretty healing. I’ll be okay, also, don’t worry about me. I’ve been through enough of these crises without acting on my thoughts.

Stay safe,

Raquel.


This is an email that I sent to a Photo Club member, which I may have scared off or is just not online anymore (I’m now fairly sure it’s the former as it’s been a few hours). Either way, I suppose it doesn’t matter.

I guess I do have the courage in me to tell a stranger about how I’m really feeling. I absolutely hate lying through my teeth. I don’t want to lie, I want to be honest. If they react negatively, well, I may be self-harming tonight then. (but I’ll try everything in me not to)


I can’t write. I can’t speak.
Depression is clouding my mind over.
I should really get to putting away my clothes as they are everywhere (two places in my room) I’m trying to ignore the depressive thoughts that are interrupting my thought speech,
I feel like I’m bothering everyone by merely existing.
I can’t chat on the phone, not really, because my Mom has a friend over downstairs.
I can’t even open my mouth to speak.
All I can do is lie there, staring out blankly, wishing for death or self-harm.
I want to scratch myself so badly.
I know this is temporary but it feels like it’s lasting forever.
I don’t want to deal with this anymore.
I don’t know what to do.
I wish I could talk to someone, but I feel like I can’t right now.
Which is shit, because I need help right now.

I don’t want to write out the thoughts.
maybe I’m a waste of space.
I can’t even keep someone in a freakin’ join.me link.
I’m hungry. Maybe that’s contributing.
I don’t want to go downstairs. I want to cry and sob and remind myself of how alone I am.
I try to text two friends but it just falls flat.
I want to tell the Photo Club member that I’d rather just like to kill myself than plan meetings.
I don’t know what’s so wrong with me.
They said they were “sorry to be a bother” what the hell does that mean? That they’re bothering with coming to the club anyways? That they’re being a burden somehow?
I’m the biggest burden there is.

I can imagine myself filming me self-harming. What’s the point anyways?

I know inherently that I should not because this waves of stress are going to come around again.
I hate that the thought of the start of school and photo club (or what it means) is kickstarting so much of this.. this.. bullshit.


That is an excerpt of all I got to write before I after five minutes switched over to the above email of how I was thinking/feeling.


My thoughts are still just broken, abrupt and disjointed. I had a crisis this afternoon, starting around 4ish until about 5:45p. I didn’t self-harm in any way, which is good, and I’m certainly still alive which is also a good sign.

I can’t really form all that coherent of thought, and I can’t speak up much either from my voice and such. I was quiet through dinner and really still just wanted to sob. I made it through though. I made a few more positive messages, not the phrases but the backgrounds, that is nice.

I deleted my join.me’s that I linked, both on here and on DA.

I think I’m getting too stressed out over something’s that are going to be all right with time.

I wish I were back to 100% optimal Raquel health. I “should” be able to handle this stuff, but I can’t. 😦 It sucks.

I have to go focus elsewhere. Maybe now I can try and do some creative writing or something.

Wish me luck! ❤

Maybe I’ll make a post about stationary….

Suicide Prevention Awareness | Article

My third article for the Mass Media’s first issue of the semester. 🙂

Feel free to search through my archives or the search bar if you’re interested in reading more about my university newspaper articles. 🙂 I basically just chat about my mental health, lmao, like I do on here! 😀

I knew I had to do this article for shouting out the, well, you’ll see. 😉

Trigger Warning, Mentions of suicidality in this piece. Tread carefully.

Written 8/24, 8/26

By Raquel Lyons

The month of September is suicide prevention awareness month. Worldwide recognized Suicide Prevention Day or WSPD is on September 10th this year. The national Suicide Prevention week, as covered by the American Association of Suicidology ranges from September 5th to 11th 2016, as well.

In this article I would like to discuss some of the warning signs about suicide, as mentioned in articles you can find online, as well as some of my own thoughts and experiences as someone who has been teetering on that fine line before.

The first thing to remember is that a suicidal crisis is a medical emergency. This may depend on how far along the suicidal victim is, for instance having intention and a suicidal plan to act on makes a person a greater risk to themselves than someone only experiencing fleeting suicidal thoughts. Just as anyone with a heart attack would proceed to the nearest emergency room, it is equally as important to do the same when someone is in a suicidal crisis. The person in a suicidal crisis is a danger to themselves and should not be left alone while aid is being provided.

Remember, the Counseling Center is available for crisis appointments on campus at the Quinn Administration building 2nd floor past the University Health Services. There is also the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline that you can call at 1800-273-TALK. Other phone services can be found through a simple Google search as well, I know of a website that lists out the various states in the U.S. and some of the phone services that are available in each of those places. International websites cataloging phone services are also available, as well as the option for texting services powered by Samaritans and online chatting provided by imalive.org.

With that stated the website for the AAS provides a mnemonic for the warning signs of suicide: IS PATH WARM? The full-fledged mnemonic stands for ideation, substance abuse, purposelessness, anxiety, trapped, hopelessness, withdrawal, anger, recklessness and mood changes.

Before we take a look at some of these warning signs, let us unveil the truth behind two common misconceptions regarding suicide. One common misconception is that a person “really intent” on killing themselves will not talk about it. For most people, this is simply not the case. A person dealing with suicidal ideation may mask their genuine emotional pain behind words, jokes or suicidal threats.

For instance, during the time where I was often suicidal, I would joke that I wanted to go jump off a building. Or that I felt like just killing myself. Or that today would have been a nice day to die.

I was often blunt with my suicidal ideation. I would be wary of saying such things around complete strangers, not knowing how they would react to my admission, but many a time I received laughs and short acknowledgements that the person I was speaking to felt the same. Part of me would be relieved that they didn’t look further into it and part of me was exasperated, feeling hopeless in having to “prove” that I was genuinely a danger to myself.

It’s important to take any threats of suicide seriously, whether they are from a brief joke, a text message or through artwork. It is better to have asked at all, than to potentially lose a friend, permanently.

Another misconception is the idea that people who really want to die by suicide will find a way no matter what. In reality, the majority of people suffering from suicidal ideation are dealing with problems they feel are too surmountable to continue living with. They may not necessarily want to die, but rather to be free of their emotional pain. Even then, they may still be ambivalent on dying.

I recall through my suicidal crises that I often cycled through a series of emotions: say, I started with feeling severely depressed, to anxiety, to anger, to apathy, to calmness. Feeling depressed would get me to start thinking about ways of killing myself, the anxiety would show up along with agitation, of wanting to act on my thoughts and act on them immediately, and the anger would be from all the confusion because part of me would recognize a version of my future self and all that I wanted to achieve while clashing with the version of myself that would be dead by the next day. One of the deadliest parts can be the calmness, a true calm before the storm, as by the time I reached that emotion, I had made up my mind to act on my suicidal thoughts.

In the above, we have covered some of the emotions involved with suicidality, and there are plenty of others too, as one person’s experience is not universal to all of another’s experience.

The purposelessness described in the mnemonic accounts for a person feeling as though they have no purpose being alive. They may find themselves to be expendable, a burden to those around them or that their life is not worth living.

Again, they may express these views either subtly or bluntly. Some people may even begin setting their affairs in order such as a will or tying up loose ends or giving their possessions away to others.

I recall in my experience with suicidality that I viewed the world around me as last possible sights. When I saw the snow sparkling in the sunlight, I thought of it as the last time I would see snow. When I made cards for my friends and gave it to them, I thought of how I was giving them part of myself when the rest of me would soon be disappearing.

Asking for help when you are suicidal, or are worried about someone who is, can be a daunting task. However, it is extremely important that we treat each other with care and love, and that we look out for one another.

If you suspect that someone you know may be suicidal, there are many websites online that can guide you on what to say versus what not to say. There are also those helplines you can call that will provide you with information on nearby mental health professionals or tips to helping yourself or a friend.

It can be scary to admit that you need help, or to reach out for the phone and dial a hotline, but I can assure you that your life is worth living despite how you may be feeling right now. Each of us is an irreplaceable human being, with talents, words and support that can be offered to the world in a kind, compassionate manner.

One of the other things that helped me get through my own suicidality was to remind myself that some people make it through their suicidality and that some people do not. For the ones who do not, they would never get to experience the little treasures in life that we often overlook. Moments like listening to new music or admiring rock formations. It made me consider whether I was going to be one of those people who survived or one of those that we lost. In turn, this blossomed compassion within me to give hope to others who may be struggling so that they themselves and their loved ones did not have to lose them to the sticky fingers of suicidality.

Dealing with suicidal thoughts is no easy task, yet choosing to live each day, each moment is a sign of true strength and courage. It may not feel that way at the time, but you are stronger than you think and stronger than you feel.

Again, if you or someone you know is struggling with suicidal ideation, please reach out for support. There are many people who care and who have been trained specifically for helping those who are in need of it. You, too, can make it to a day where you are happier to be alive than dead.

And for those of you who are suicide attempt survivors, I am proud of you.

And for those who have lost someone to suicide, I am sorry, and may their souls rest tonight.
One last point to be made is to societies around the world: Can we please stop stigmatizing and shaming suicidal individuals for their pain? Rather than saying a person has ‘committed’ suicide, let us change the dialogue to ‘died by suicide’ or ‘lost their lives to suicide’. These are less stigmatizing comments and bring awareness to an issue that so many out there are afraid to acknowledge or talk about.

Not talking about suicide has left us with many lives lost thus far. It is time we begin to change that dialogue and not shame people for getting the help they not only deserve, but require.

Stay safe, people.

 


LEGAD, Batman! This post has gotten the most likes on any article yet! :O

Check it out! UMass Media