I don’t often use the term “mental illness” but when I do, you know it’s got something to do with my brain mucking around in two parts of OCD and secondary depression.
Saturday morning I woke up energized by all that is life and being alive and breathing and having a heartbeat.
Saturday evening I wrestled to sleep with thoughts of suicide, scratching myself and how “good” (read: glorified) those two actions would be.
It’s been a long, long evening, to say the least.
I had all sorts of dreams about suicidality, most of which I can’t recall now. It took me a while to calm my brain down and sleep, and that didn’t help much either.
I woke up at 7am, then fell back asleep.
And at 8am when I awoke again, I went to the “haven” of my iPod—-and then proceeded to “hang out with” the OCD for 35 minutes.
To say I feel drained, still overwhelmed and generally unwell is an understatement.
I feel quite eclipsed by my mental health issues, right now. They’re blocking out the light–artificial light, the sunlight, the hope, the motivation. Part of me dearly wants to act on scratching myself and I’m wrestling with that heavily right now.
I feel tired. And hungry, hence why I’m out of my room for breakfast already.
I do have some hours with the dogs today at doggy playtime so that should help quite a lot. We’re going out to see family later on too, so hopefully I am feeling a bit better by then, if not, I can bring some stuff with me that will help. I could potentially make a few positive messages too, to give to peeps today. I will try and work on that.
I also brought down my laptop to do this post right now at the breakfast table because I need some form of distraction, some problem solving techniques and all.
I’ve been musing about how I’ve been able to deal with many emotions when it comes to being conflicted with the OCD, but stress, stress is a whole other dimension to begin with. When I get overwhelmed I feel trapped and I feel that I want to kill or hurt myself. It’s still a reaction from my darkest days. And when that happens, I also go up to 50% of suicide jokes that I will utter aloud. Half-joking, half-serious deal, if you know what I mean.
On the good side of things, I found someone willing to become the Treasurer of Photography Club. On the odd side of things that’s also what stressed me out, they have a lot of great ideas but it was a bit overwhelming and they asked how I was only taking 3 classes which led my brain to wonder if it was that obvious and should I be taking more but if I took more I really WOULD go jump off a building and yeah, you can see where that led me to the aforementioned issues.
This is basically a moment of not quite having my “recovery to wellness shit together”, as my favorite pop tart would say 😉 And most importantly, how that is a’okay. ❤ ❤ ❤
I got some BADASS stationary the other day though, and I am going to work on the (re)framing Friday post today before I leave in the afternoon. Probably gonna do some reading, writing maybe drawing today too. Tomorrow and Tuesday I can continue to blog and stuff more.
For now, I think this is where I’ll leave this post. This helped a lot to keep my attention focused elsewhere, so, maybe indirectly, but, thank you. ❤ ❤ ❤
I’ll see you all later on. Stay safe!! ❤ ❤ xxxxx