What did you mean by “sorry to bother”? Unfortunately, you’ve caught me during a bad time. Photography Club hasn’t been up and running since spring 2014, as in the fall 2014 I was diagnosed with OCD and everything kinda hit the fan then. I’ve been through a lot since then, and am not up to 100% all right-ness anymore. Hence why I’m emailing this to you from this address, not that I’m ashamed of it or anything but I feel I couldn’t be as blunt there than I could on here. None of this is kept hidden either, and if I do tell you my full truth, I’m so sorry for putting you in any difficult position. Know that I’m all right and will stay safe.
Basically, the IDEA of the start of the semester is looming over my head so much the last couple of days, and the secondary depression that I deal with has been holding the sail more than anything else. Because of that, while we do have a new treasurer for the position, I am noticing that I get easily overwhelmed.
Basically, Photo Club makes me want to kill myself. And, I know on some level and by what a friend told me, it literally should not. But it does. And then the idea of the semester and even more stress makes me want to kill myself even more.
I won’t go into greater detail as it’s not fair to you and not your burden to carry.
What you said about the doodle poll is a good idea. I cannot access SAGRoups at the moment so I’m a little helpless in contacting the range of people and potential members fully. A few of the new members I have spoken to have addressed that they are free during that time or I’m still waiting on receiving their schedules. I am only on campus MWF, and I have the Mass Media at 3p on Mondays, and no time on Friday’s, except for my 10a-1p free block. I’m loosely considering Wed’s at 3p too, but that isn’t the best of plans for me as it pushes my therapy appointments to the late evening, although we’ll see with how everything else goes.
I’ve emailed our adviser the other day so I should hear back from her in the next day or so about the reactivation process.
I think that’s about it. When we hear more about what times work for each person, we’ll go with the majority of people. It’s unfortunately the way things work out.
I know you didn’t really sign up for my thought dump but, thank you for reading. It was actually pretty healing. I’ll be okay, also, don’t worry about me. I’ve been through enough of these crises without acting on my thoughts.
This is an email that I sent to a Photo Club member, which I may have scared off or is just not online anymore (I’m now fairly sure it’s the former as it’s been a few hours). Either way, I suppose it doesn’t matter.
I guess I do have the courage in me to tell a stranger about how I’m really feeling. I absolutely hate lying through my teeth. I don’t want to lie, I want to be honest. If they react negatively, well, I may be self-harming tonight then. (but I’ll try everything in me not to)
I can’t write. I can’t speak.
Depression is clouding my mind over.
I should really get to putting away my clothes as they are everywhere (two places in my room) I’m trying to ignore the depressive thoughts that are interrupting my thought speech,
I feel like I’m bothering everyone by merely existing.
I can’t chat on the phone, not really, because my Mom has a friend over downstairs.
I can’t even open my mouth to speak.
All I can do is lie there, staring out blankly, wishing for death or self-harm.
I want to scratch myself so badly.
I know this is temporary but it feels like it’s lasting forever.
I don’t want to deal with this anymore.
I don’t know what to do.
I wish I could talk to someone, but I feel like I can’t right now.
Which is shit, because I need help right now.
I don’t want to write out the thoughts.
maybe I’m a waste of space.
I can’t even keep someone in a freakin’ join.me link.
I’m hungry. Maybe that’s contributing.
I don’t want to go downstairs. I want to cry and sob and remind myself of how alone I am.
I try to text two friends but it just falls flat.
I want to tell the Photo Club member that I’d rather just like to kill myself than plan meetings.
I don’t know what’s so wrong with me.
They said they were “sorry to be a bother” what the hell does that mean? That they’re bothering with coming to the club anyways? That they’re being a burden somehow?
I’m the biggest burden there is.
I can imagine myself filming me self-harming. What’s the point anyways?
I know inherently that I should not because this waves of stress are going to come around again.
I hate that the thought of the start of school and photo club (or what it means) is kickstarting so much of this.. this.. bullshit.
That is an excerpt of all I got to write before I after five minutes switched over to the above email of how I was thinking/feeling.
My thoughts are still just broken, abrupt and disjointed. I had a crisis this afternoon, starting around 4ish until about 5:45p. I didn’t self-harm in any way, which is good, and I’m certainly still alive which is also a good sign.
I can’t really form all that coherent of thought, and I can’t speak up much either from my voice and such. I was quiet through dinner and really still just wanted to sob. I made it through though. I made a few more positive messages, not the phrases but the backgrounds, that is nice.
I deleted my join.me’s that I linked, both on here and on DA.
I think I’m getting too stressed out over something’s that are going to be all right with time.
I wish I were back to 100% optimal Raquel health. I “should” be able to handle this stuff, but I can’t. 😦 It sucks.
I have to go focus elsewhere. Maybe now I can try and do some creative writing or something.
Wish me luck! ❤
Maybe I’ll make a post about stationary….