Highly Activated Suicidality

*TW* Explicit mention of suicide/self-harm in this post. Please tread carefully.

I only have a few minutes before my friend, Mr. T.S., arrives at my house and we go out to Target to buy me some more stationary. Yes, you read that right.

Why?

Because I got massively triggered by an unfortunate ending to a Youtuber’s vlog that mentioned a fan wearing their merchandise and someone at the fan’s school telling them to “kill themselves” because of it. It was the most UNEXPECTED trigger and I was immediately filled with dread.

And because I was working on my drawing from my class a few weeks ago, it just brought up all of THOSE memories about suicidality and self-harm and hospitals and police officers and bam! Just, unhelpful.

I worked through it with the help of my Dad who picked up the drawing and helped me spray it down outside, but he had to go pick up my Mom from the airport.

So then I was alone and highly depressed and this is without you or my friend knowing about all the SHIT that hit the fan yesterday–meaning, I tried to either kill myself/self-harmed once when I took an OD of the only medication out in my vicinity, next when I tried to slit my wrist on a toilet paper dispenser at school, next when I tried to find pills at the bookstore (but bought candy instead), next when I tried finding a ledge to fall off of for 35 minutes on campus (there were either people smoking, socializing or eyes from the building that deterred me), then I told a complete stranger how suicidal I was which led (from my own volition) me to the counseling center for a crisis appointment which later led me to telling someone else my difficult day and getting walked to class which led to me being at Photo Club and that going okay and finding out more people I can lean on for support which led to me feeling bad again and calling a hotline then to talking with Craig and then feeling safe enough to get to my therapist’s.

 

Basically, I’ve been actively suicidal to the MAX in the last day or so.

All the memories are not helping my situation either, but I have to try and just… NOT act on my thoughts which is so so soooo hard. But acting on them doesn’t help me in the slightest. Not anymore.

So, that’s where I’m at right now. I don’t have much of my recovery to wellness shit together. The OCD and the depression are really beating me up pretty good. However, I’ve started on an upped dosage of one of my meds so the long term will likely be better… I just have to SURVIVE right now.

 

I am a SURVIVOR. I will make it THROUGH this. YOU WILL TOO.

Let’s walk this road together, peeps.

 

Stay strong, stay safe, and keep on keeping on.

I’ll update you guys later–after I get some stationary 🙂 If not, probably tomorrow during the day.

 

Thank YOU For all of your support. You guys have helped me in so many ways, honestly. Sending big HUGS!!! ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤