And a general life update!
Jamming to this song at the moment:
This lyric at the moment sticks out to me:
“Somebody stop me please from hurting myself”
So, it’s time I got back into some blogging, hence why I’m here right this minute! I also want to download a few new songs soon to my iPod before I head to sleep tonight. Just in case you wanted to know 😉
So, tomorrow is Halloween and I decided because I have no money (even though I totes just purchased two things from Amazon *sly smile*) to dress up in a fancy black suit to be Loki for Halloween (because it’s my third YEAR in a row I’ve wanted to do something special for Halloween (as Loki)–but next year..next year will be the year I dress up as him) anywho I figured, even in September, that I could TOTALLY PULL OFF being a psychiatric patient. So, that’s what I’m doing, lmao.
IT MAKES ME LAUGH AND THAT’S WHAT MATTERS.
So here’s my prep for my Halloween costume!
Some of the stuff you don’t see just yet include:
- Hospital bracelets
- Full outfit sneak peek
- Labels on the clothes
- Teddy bear
I’m bringing extra labels and my Sharpie to school tomorrow so I can make more if I think of other things. 🙂
If YOU have any ideas, send them along and I’ll add them to my outfit! 🙂
I also got some Dum Dum lollipops today 🙂
Yes, there are 3 acorns on my bedspread. Just…biology homework. *sigh*
I also had to stop by Michael’s arts & crafts store today and got this color to be “R” (for Recovery Raquel ;))
I think, as long as I’m feeling well tomorrow, that I will attend this Halloween party the school is having. And, I’m charging my camera now too so I’ll bring that buddy along for some photo possibilities. Maybe my tripod, too. Maybe. *squints*
I’m working on some material for articles this week to edit and break down into 800 words, as well as uploading photos that I’ll share with you guys later this week.
I also have some drawings and IOS I can show you guys, too.
Today I was feeling pretty pants so I ate some Ben & Jerry’s ice cream pint here:
It was mocha and caramel ice cream with fudge flakes and a chocolate cookie core and chocolate cookie bits. IT WAS AWESOME. I ate it all. And felt terribly sick after but took a nap and only felt a little residual sickness when I woke up again, but yeah, it was good.
I went and saw dogs today too, that was nice! It was lovely, LOVELY weather out.
I finally finished my essay on Saturday and passed it in late. I’m planning on visiting my professor tomorrow during office hours to check-in realistically with how I’m doing in the class.
I had another opportunity to get trained for something with NAMI but I’m not sure that I will do it just yet. I’m sure there will be others, and I’m not in such a good place right now.
I self-harmed generally speaking (you know what I mean) on Saturday twice and on Thursday once. It made me feel like utter shit. I would genuinely rather scratch myself than do that method of self-harm. That’s saying a lot.
I was procrastinating a bunch with the essay on Saturday, too. I finally got myself to do it from a friend that gave me a writing deadline, which was super helpful.
You may have read that in my ‘IAPH’ series of articles that I realized at the end that since my last hospitalization I’ve finally accepted that I’ve been dealing with severe depression. It’s passed in the week previous, but this past week not so much.
I’ve been wanting to blog more cryptic messages–you know the ones I mean. Negative behavior is hard to break.
I suppose a part of it is attention seeking, and part of it is just…leaving a note behind. The day I left two of those messages I went out and bought … well, it’s probably best I don’t mention spe–ah, fuck it, I bought (TRIGGER WARNING) sleeping pills. The plan was to take 6 for self-harm or 12 for suicide (which I imagine wouldn’t kill me anyways but for me it’s a big deal (and any intention/action taken is serious regardless of the intensity of the threat)). I went to class with them, I hung out with them for a bit, I almost called a hotline, I tried to call my psychiatrist and it was such a RUSH. I mean, it was sucking horribly as well but it was also such an adrenaline rush. But I didn’t know what to do, and Summer’s words really stood out for me “Final actions are very final, Raquel” (I want to incorporate that into a drawing for sure). So I went to Craig’s office and gave him the pills and later I told someone else about the situation (by the way, I had relapsed exponentially with scratching at this time, I had self-harmed for four days, almost straight through. My arm is a mess-the worst I’ve done. My thigh’s a bit better) and that got me to be convinced to go to the counseling center for a crisis appointment which is what I did.
The guy I saw spoke about the hierarchy of needs and I made a version of that here:
It was very helpful, actually. And, the two times I’ve been to the center this semester I’ve been potentially OVER happy about not being hospitalized lmao. But I’ve been able to safety contract.
This past weekend, I’m not sure.
I feel that I’m sitting at the top of the street for Kill Yourself Road. I’m pacing back and forth there considering my options.
I’m at a crossroads with recovery.
Do I move forwards and continue my recovery or do I move backwards and regress?
I can’t do both. (Especially not if I achieve suicide)
I haven’t acted on anything else since, minus that general self-harm. My brain is telling me how I can progress forwards (backwards, really) with next steps for attempted suicide and part of me is stuck because I’ve safety contracted and if nothing else, that MATTERS to me.
I would be knowingly going against my values and the trust that others have placed in me. If I’m feeling unsafe I’m meant to tell someone and go to the hospital.
But it feels like I’m “not that bad”. The crises do pass… And I feel I’d rather get caught up in schoolwork before I go back to the hospital… but I don’t know how possible that is if I’m having such a hard time.
I really just want to numb out. No thoughts, no feelings, just numbness.
I’ve even used my mental health issues as an escape from the reality of my procrastination and not doing work. And being an asshole about not following through on other expectations of me.
It sucks to wallow in depression but it’s more preferable over dealing with the stress in relation to things I don’t care as much about.
I still care about classes if I want to catch up and if I procrastinate on assignments. But long term? I just don’t have that perspective anymore. There’s 6 weeks left of the semester and it means nothing to me.
I think autumn is a difficult time for me mentally. This has been a theme for the last few years.
Even with Photo club, it’s just falling away from me.
My brain just wants me to push away the positives and focus on the negatives and the reasons why I should try and kill myself. Better to try than not at all, is my brain’s motto.
But then there’s the Recovery Raquel portion.
I’m being pulled in two different directions and I don’t know which one to choose. I’m stuck in a lack of a suicide plan because I physically don’t have access to my chosen method.
But it keeps feeling like I have other things-activities- that I want to do and therefore can’t go to the hospital because I’ll be missing those things.
I don’t know why the rationality of that doesn’t cover further into, if I die by suicide I won’t ever be able to do nice things but, it doesn’t.
I can feel not unsafe and still be unsafe. I can feel unsafe and yet still be safe. I don’t know when to go to the hospital. I’d rather go when I really need it, but is that before or after I act on a suicide plan? (I know the answer to this and you better know it too, it’s before!!!!) I feel like I can’t take myself seriously.
And if I decide to follow through, I can’t tell anyone. I’m not good at not telling people things.
I wish I could scratch myself to …. feel better. But it won’t help.
I can’t say that I won’t make another suicidal post in the future. I can say that if I do, I need you to tell me the opposite of what my brain says. Remind me of who I am and not what illness I am. That’s what Summer did and it really helped me. If nothing else, just say something, even if it’s an emoticon and if you’re also feeling SAFE enough to read them and do so.
I’m going to go back to putting my energy into focusing on recovery and some stuff I want to do before bedtime (which is very fast approaching).
I hope you all are well and you’re punching the face out of your struggles. ❤ ❤ Again, any ideas for labels and I’ll add them to my costume tomorrow! ❤ ❤ ❤
I’ll have pictures and more updates later this week.
Love you peeps. ❤