Super Nova | One with the Stars over the Rainbow Bridge

Okay, I’m gonna do my best to work through this post without sobbing hysterically.

My little Nova (this guy):

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Passed away this evening.

Rest in Peace little buddy.

~February 2016 – November 21st 2016

I lied, I’m crying anyway.

I think I’ll last a week before I crack and get another hamster lol. I would upload more photos but it’s just hard right now.

Probably in the next month or so. Okay, I’m gonna cry for 5 more minutes and then I have a date with 80 pages left of a book that I want finished by tonight.

 

This is gonna be a tough week.

#RecoveryHome Project | Day #1

So, if you guys have been following along with my incredible awesomeness of radiating badassery since the summer, you may remember the #RecoveryHome project I came up with. Well, as I’ve been struggling more lately in my own recovery, taking a positive step forward I want to embark first on daily #RecoveryHome creations (i.e. blog posts and art stuff and creative endeavors) and then transition to weekly ones.

I really want to continue expanding out my project’s idea, and I’m hoping to do more work with it officially if not just exclusively on my own. It’s a big project idea I have for the spring semester. 🙂

If anyone wants to jump on board with it, feel free to do so! I’d love to start rallying up participants to join the journey of creating our very own, unique #RecoveryHomes! 😀

This is Day #1’s To Do:

  • BONUS: Share some real world #RecoveryHome application
  • Begin listing out street names of the #RecoveryHome area

So, I’ve personally already gotten a bit ahead: This series will feature the progression of my #RecoveryHome paper house. That’s right, Michael’s has paper houses available for purchase for the holiday season and I totes got one yesterday!!! 😀

This means that I’ll be working on crafting my paper house into my Recovery Home so that a real world product exists of this imagined land. 🙂 I will include the photos of the home within each post of this series, so that it stands out more and you get an idea of what I’m discussing in such posts. 🙂

Here are the photos:

day-3day-1day-1


This is a Work In Progress list, by the way. I’ll add updates to it either through linking to newer posts or … no, I’ll just do that. 🙂 Make more days out of it that way 😉

Here are the street names I’ve come up with thus far:

  1. Hope Avenue
  2. Lapse Circle
  3. Kill Yourself Road (Dead End and yes, it’s OCD’s contribution)
  4. Relapse Boulevard
  5. Recovery Residence (a carved stone on the property of my #RecoveryHome)

There are others from real world scenes I’ve seen, but I keep forgetting what they are.

I like:

Bloomingdale Cove. Yeah, that sounds pretty cool.

Here is a resource for finding more street names 🙂

Wiki on Street Names

If you Google street names the Wiki will show up listing out a bunch of them 🙂


So, I hope you guys enjoy Day #1!!! I don’t know how well I will do with uploading each day well, each day, but I’ll work on writing it out in my journals if I can’t upload via the computer for each day… I don’t know, we’ll see how it goes! 😀

Thanks for reading! 🙂

Safe Places |Draft 1 Story | The Makings of Steve

*Trigger Warning*: Mentions of suicide/OCD. Written 10.13.2014 Fall semester. This is the first draft of a prose I created to describe my therapeutic relationship with my therapist at the time in my university’s counseling center. This is where Steve got his name. I’ve been wanting to share this piece for a while. Later this week will be the full-fledged final piece. They look quite a bit different. 🙂 Enjoy some creative writing! 😀

Weekly Writing Assignment #6:

Safe Places

 S    i    l    e     n     c     e     .  

It hung in the air.

He was staring at me intently, intently from his green backed chair. The chair that reminded me of sunny spring days and comfort, the whole room breathed with comfort. He had green eyes too, Steve did, and he was staring at me with them now. He was waiting, patiently, waiting for the words to come tumbling from my lips since we both knew they would, they were just a little choked up behind the barely controlled rivers of emotion.

My eyes, cold and vulnerably blue, were staring intently at the edge of his desk. He had a nice desk, silver with brown flecks and dashes, and it was calming, too, but I only stared at the part of the desk that met the floor, the part that was the farthest away from him. Because in my thinking, in my re-imagining, in my re-opening of freshly past wounds, I could not look at him, but I knew that he was there.

He was there, and staring, and waiting patiently as his very presence exuded a lack of judgment. He was Steve and I was Clara and Clara was eventually going to unhinge her mouth and explain to Steve why this silence had come about.

Clara was going to say what she needed to say, she had to. But it was so difficult to say it.

“It’s okay, take your time,” was Steve’s ever so calming, sweet reply. I bit my lip and chuckled softly. My eyes blinked away the forming tears, trying to control the emotion, control the tide, control the flow, the rivers won’t take me, the rivers won’t take me, no, no, they won’t.

“I don’t know…” I began softly, my voice sounding hollow, empty, and desperate. “I — I don’t know…” I shifted mildly, moving my feet to a curling position around the other green chair’s legs. Grounding yourself, that’s what you’re doing, you’re grounding yourself. I couldn’t find the words, I couldn’t…

“It’s like I can’t get out, no matter what I do – which isn’t true – it’s… aggravating. There’s…no way out…” My lips pout in annoyance, that description wasn’t right either.

“Would you say you feel trapped?”

Steve’s voice.

I look to him, suddenly; I forgot that he was there. I forgot I was here. I shudder.

“Yeah, I… I feel trapped. But, that shouldn’t make me want to do it, should it?” A rush of worry and uncertainty swelled up inside me as the tide threatened to push and break me, once again. My fingers pinched and curled and fumbled with each other, a tussle of thin, jewelry clad fingers that clanked and banged together. I was creating an orchestra of sound with these innocent, little nubs and instead of taking solace in that, I was focusing so heavily, so distractedly on all the negative power they could possess. They could totally possess a lot of negative power. If my imaginings of fire, death, destruction and jumping off buildings was any indication, than yes, they were capable of much dark power.

Steve spoke again, and his voice pulled me back to the present.

“Do what?”

I chuckled breathily in response, rolling my eyes but understanding that he needed me to be explicit, that even I needed myself to be explicit. Except being explicit felt like being too explicit, it made me feel uncomfortable because I didn’t want to be saying what I was saying. And I certainly didn’t want to be thinking what I was thinking. I wished my mouth had just stayed shut as it always had been, clamped shut like the Jaws of Life on a wrecked vehicle, but ohohoh, no; I just had to open it up and say something about it.

“Kill myself,” I sighed, this was getting exhausting. My gaze stuck with Steve’s, fluttered down and then returned again. I swallowed reflexively, the shivers curtailing around my shoulders and settling with tension in my neck. My forehead pounded like hammers, and I shifted in the green chair again.

Green: calming, safe, nonjudgmental.

I could share these thoughts and unfounded worries with Steve, even when my mouth and the angry part of my mind screamed at me not to say any of them, I knew their strengthening protests would allow the rational part of me enough time to loosen the screws so that I could open up about all the things that were swimming about in my mind.

Steve reminded me again of how thoughts were just thoughts and he listened to my insistent telling that I really, actually, didn’t want these thoughts and these ideas and I didn’t want to do them. He would nod, and listen, and with those damn green eyes of his, he made me feel better, safer. Even when I couldn’t find an answer to his question, the one that unveiled the silence and the layers of uncertainty. I didn’t know what I was trying to run away from, but Steve assured me that what I was doing – asking for help, reaching out – was good.

Steve and his green eyes and green chairs and silver desk with brown flecks, made me feel safe and certain that someday I’d be okay with the uncertainty and let the thoughts just be.