*TW* Explicit mention of suicide/self-harm here.
It will be a true testament of moments to see how fast I can write this post. I have less than half an hour, but I’d like to update you all on my current whereabouts, mentally.
First: I’m feeling better again.
Had a little bit of a spat with the folks this morning about my taking a class (biology) pass/fail without really discussing it with them first. My Mom thinks of it as my “taking the easy way out” and that I should just work hard and get the grade output for it. But I have to maintain a 3.0 GPA in order to do the internship class I want to take next year and there’s a chance it could effect that, so, no. And also, I’m doing not well in that class and would rather take the P versus the grade (which will probably be around a C) So there was that.
I was having extreme anxiety about the option on Monday and wound up in a crisis because of it. It didn’t help that I was thinking that I was making up an excuse (suicidality) rather than having a reason for why I wanted to take the course pass/fail. I’ve only done that one other time for another class, and this is a Gen Ed requirement so it shouldn’t effect my graduating or anything. Any who, Naomi helped bring me to some senses and we were all hanging out later into the evening so it was good. I also had a NAMI talk Monday night which went very well. That helped to bring back some meaning into my life and to get some potential interest going in the #RecoveryHome idea (my co-presenter is an art therapist)
Today, things just hit the fan early on. I stayed up LATE last night, remarkably, but unfortunately for me and that likely didn’t help. “The easy way out” reminded me of the misconception people use against suicide (not that there are many ‘good’ arguments for pro-suicide) and I really, really, really wanted to act on some harming thoughts.
I did NOT go and buy pills, which is good.
However, I did perform what was probably borderline a suicide rehearsal or at least self-harm, I’m not sure which yet, where I choked/strangled myself with a cord. ‘Cause I have my laptop today. You get it, I’m sure.
Any who, I napped through after that, and spoke with Craig later on. He asked whether I was going to stay safe in the future and I said I didn’t know and he asked if I wanted to go be around people and I said no and then he asked if I needed to go to the counseling center and I said yes. So I went there on emergency.
Met with the dude I’ve seen two other times and it was actually incredibly helpful. Between learning about how I am implementing self-care, delegating to others to lighten the load I’m carrying (I want to call up my case manager to look for DBT therapists in my area), to expanding my coping toolbox, to gaining more self-confidence, and giving myself more credit and to dismantling some of my cognitive distortions (black/white thinking, global assumptions) to reasons to live and writing articles about more coping/positive themes next semester—it was super effective. 🙂 I’m running out of a bit of time, but I will talk more exclusively about this in a post in the future. I wrote down notes and everything.
It was very helpful, is my point to this. I brought in a recovery book that I wanted to show Naomi today as I told her about it on Monday and reading over that has inspired me even further. Listening to my CL;MA playlist helped me to not buy pills today. There are coping strategies I can employ that will hold me over for the next few minutes, hours, days, weeks and months. I just got to keep reminding myself of that. That there ARE options in life, and many of them in fact.
Also, the person I saw has read some of my articles in the paper! And they told me about how writing can be quite cathartic for people and I’m doubly brave and courageous for publishing my words with my name on it for the campus community (and on here!). Which is awesome. And makes me feel good 🙂
Also, I’m toying with the idea more of writing a book one day. I will write more about this later tonight/tomorrow/the weekend. I’ve got to be going now…
#RecoveryHome prompts will resume shortly. I’m thinking I will do the first week all about the imaginative prompts and the second week all about application and therapy oriented thinking and switch off together week by week.
I look forward to writing more about my ideas on book writing for the future. 🙂 And reading. And you guys. And stuffs.
Love you peeps, hope you’re well. Reach out to someone if you’re not. It’s worth it.
❤ ❤ ❤