The Allure of Patience During Finals

Today’s Prompt ~ Relax

I have to believe that I’ve learned SOMETHING over the nearly two years I’ve been seeing my current therapist. I have to believe that I am strong enough, dedicated enough, passionate enough and patient enough to utilize all of my learned skills to plow through this difficult time of–you guessed it, FINALS.

Inherently the finals themselves aren’t so bad, they could be worse, after all. Like having to study. Instead, I have to write two papers–one 5 pages and the other 10 pages. 15 pages total. The 10-pager is my first ever literature review to write, which makes me a little more concerned as I’ve never written one before. The 5 pager is my final exam, the one I believe I’ll be able to actually pass in on time. The second one? Eh, probably on Thursday evening. Friday at the worst.

Technically the LR was an assignment I was meant to work on throughout the entire semester, but well, we know how well THAT turned out.

Which leads me back to my decision: I felt that the three hours for therapy were three hours too long for me to rationally do away with. Even if, in reality, I probably won’t get that much further ahead KEEPING those hours.

You see, I haven’t even begun the WRITING process yet.

Which is disappointing and annoying without actually feeling annoying. I mean to say that I’m already done and spent and tired, I don’t want to do my finals work anymore even though it feels like I haven’t even started anyways.

Which isn’t true–I’ve done my reference pages, I’ve picked out my sources, I have my notes from class to utilize for the 5 pager (albeit not with me today), I’ve delved into SOME of the readings–but that’s the thing.

The readings are what’s putting me behind.

I can do the writing portion, probably even the outlining portion, but the reading? My expectations of normal pre-mental health issues and my actual capabilities post-mental health issues just do NOT align. I can’t output as fast as I used to. And readings have been extra difficult this semester.

I just can’t get myself to read them. Maybe it’s because they’re PDFs on my laptop, maybe because it’s schoolwork, maybe because I can’t concentrate, maybe because I have higher expectations than I can output when it comes to paying attention to the details rather than the whole picture–let ALONE having to take notes…

*sigh* I already feel exhausted.

I’ve been working on finals work (including biology) since last Wed. I’m done!

I don’t want to keep working, I just want to RELAX.

I have to take more breaks than what I can do via working.

I’ve amazingly NOT had any mental health issues over the last 5 days? Except of course I mentioned it out loud today and now they’re rearing their heads.

Somehow I just have to find patience. I have to make time for relaxation. To lower my standards to an achievable layer.

This is why I think today I will complete my readings, why I will finish my 5 pager by 8p tomorrow, and why I’ll finish the LR by 8p Th. Friday, at the worst.

The LR may have difficulties with the writing but honestly, I just want to get it over with. I’ve utilized so much focus the past few days, and I’m just burning out.

This is why I have to believe I’ve learned something in therapy all this time–something I can utilize now. That’s half the battle, isn’t it?

And, this is not to say I’ve been working 24/7 since last Wed–rather, I’ve taken my breaks. Watching House S4 episodes, organizing my room, throwing out stuff I no longer need, picking out notebooks for next semester (I just SO want to be done with this semester), seeing dogs, chilling with my hamster, listening to some good music, things like that.

My lack of writing here has been from trying to write and not succeeding and being busy with work. *rolls eyes*

I’m going to just keep re-repeating the song at the beginning here throughout the day. ‘Cause it’s all I can do, you know?

Wish me luck, folks!!

I can’t possibly hate my life more than this moment. lmao