So, I finished my finals earlier today.
I sort of couldn’t take it anymore and just finished up what I could and scrapped together the rest and sent them in. I don’t feel so great about it in result but I haven’t been feeling so great anyways these last few days.
I’ve never been more uncertain of making an account than I have been with that Youtube account. I know for one thing that I don’t want to nor expect to become a top Youtuber or very popular. I’d like a close knit little community though, you know like 50 people or 100 people but not thousands and definitely not millions! I’m just very uncertain about it, I realize that it DOES take courage and I’ve been questioning whether I have that courage to do it or not.
For instance, I’m far more likely to run across trolls or people who are malicious in their intentions and actions on Youtube than on this blog. Probably because my blog has only gained some traction yet not loads, so that the exposure is still contained rather than unlimited.
I’m also afraid of how much information people can find out about one another, and whether I’d be outed on that platform.
I’m not even sure I have the courage anymore to talk about mental health related topics on there….it’s just so different.
I’ve really been flip flopping on whether to keep the channel or not, and because my family isn’t supportive of the idea, it only fuels more doubts in my mind.
I think the Youtube channel also just came at a bad time, smack dab in the middle of finals, so it fueled a lot of the guilt in taking breaks and spending time on there rather than working–burned out and emotionally spent–on the papers themselves. I think that’s soured my opinion of the account, too.
I just don’t want to get hurt, you know? And it’s harder to control for that on Youtube I think, it’s a more…dangerous, rickety-rackety platform than blogging is.
I don’t know, I can’t properly tell though as I’ve slipped under the covers of depression lately. I do like editing the videos, I’m getting more practice with that and it’s actually quite enjoyable. Maybe I just need to expand with what I’m creating (I like doing the self-care cards and the stationery sharing) and use my camera too. I would love to get into some filmography. I’ve always had the idea of it in my mind but never tried it out. It would be nice to do so.
I think I’d also like my channel to be more focused on my full identity and recovery, too. But I’d also like to challenge myself creatively and share artwork and coloring… Again, I just don’t know if I have the courage to continue speaking out about mental health on to that channel as well.
At the moment everything just feels exhausting. I’m very depressed and I’ve lapsed again in SH. I’ve wanted to randomly delete the Youtube account a few times but I keep holding on to it as well. I don’t know, maybe with a little more exposure it could do some good for someone? I don’t want to lose my focus here on the blog though. I really like this place and DA and want to keep up with them… maybe the Youtube will be good for the winter break. I could select some days to do videos (rather than just doing them multiple times a day so far) and some time to set aside for editing and then keep working like that.
What do you guys think? I’d love to hear your thoughts, plus any ideas you have for Youtube content. 🙂
Any who, I’m going to get something to drink and go to sleep soon. I hope to be back on and writing some more positive stuff tomorrow and over the next week.
Stay safe, peeps. ❤ ❤ ❤
Oh PS by the way, I actually reached out to someone on the Youtube account and talking with them as well as an IRL friend was actually quite helpful. I’ve also chatted with one of my subscribers who’s quite lovely so that is some positive stuff on the Youtube front as well.