The Denial Marathon

Today’s Prompt =~= Marathon

Denial: a psychological defense mechanism in which confrontation with a personal problem or with reality is avoided by denying the existence of the problem or reality.

Marathon: a long-lasting or difficult task or operation of a specified kind.


{This would be better if I had written it in the morning as I began it, but alas, it’s evening now but this post is in my way before I can make other ones… sooooo, without  further ado…}

Do I have to write this post? I ponder. Do I really?

It’s embarrassing to admit that I’ve been continuing to self-harm in that form of bruising that isn’t bruising. It’s embarrassing to say I’ve been looking up videos about cardiac related topics and there is a MASSIVE causative link between my doing that and then acting on this annoyingly budding form of self-harm.

I don’t want to talk about it on the blog, let alone to a large audience of people in real life, but I know that I have to. The more I talk about it the more I pull it away from an action dealt with in the shadows and the more I rub off all the swirling clouds of denial that encompass it.

Because, I have to say: Hi, hello, I’m still hurting myself, just in an invisible way.

It leaves no traces of my actions, not outwardly physical at least. I don’t have a clue if it’s making changes internally, but my newest theory is that what I’m doing is cutting off some circulation of my bloodstream and that is dropping my BP, raising my HR and causing me to get dizzy and nearly pass out (only nearly though). I’m probably losing brain cells I can’t afford to lose. It might be like playing Russian roulette, or it may not be “that serious”. Either way, even if my intention isn’t necessarily or always self-harm, the consequence is that it’s self-harm.

Sure, yeah, other people can do it and video record it and put that shit up on the Internet, but that doesn’t mean I can, should or that it’s okay if I do. They are also often advised to be careful because again, this isn’t exactly a studied phenomenon so who knows what damage or not damage is transpiring.

So here I am, many breaks and avoidance minutes later, as I don’t inherently want to be talking about this subject matter.

 

I know in order for me to get over this, I’m going to have to continue going up higher on the accountability mountain to tell my story and my struggles. I’m vowing to myself to face the music tomorrow by telling Craig (and later with my therapist). It’s gotta end somewhere.

So far, I’m nearly two weeks clean from scratching and 1 day clean from bruising.

That’s all I’ve really got now, I’m exhausted and need to sleep to prepare for tomorrow.

 

Thanks for all your support, peeps! ❤ ❤ ❤

6 thoughts on “The Denial Marathon

  1. Pingback: Author Interview – BeaJay McNeice (AKA Bill McNeice) – Contemporary Fantasy Novels and Poetry Anthologies | toofulltowrite (I've started so I'll finish)

  2. Let me assure you, you are not alone. I struggle with SH, myself. I don’t feel real comfortable discussing the details publicly, but I have been SH free for 6 months, this February 1st, 2017. 6 months is the longest I’ve ever gone. I still think about it daily. I’ve come real close, a few times, here recently. One of my therapist’s has many of the items I once used. I’ll decide that I’m not going to do it anymore and I take my item of choice, at the time, and give it to her. I then just get something else, and repeat. I do understand it. If you don’t do it, you can’t possibly understand this at all. It is a good coping mechanism for some of us. It’s not an attempt at suicide, at least for me. I’m not saying I’ve never had suicidal ideation and voluntarily took myself to the safe place. lol…………..sorry, that’s really not too funny. Been there, done that and after the way I was treated the last time, I told them that I no longer feel safe there and I’ll never go back. They said, “we’re so sorry you feel that way. We sure hope if you ever need to be here again, you won’t hesitate to come back.” I told them, NO way. So, I told them whatever happens, happens……..I’ll just hope it won’t happen again. One can hope, right. I mean, every day is a struggle to get better and to not do these kinds of things, to find better ways to cope with shit, but my life has been anything but …………………………………………………My dad was killed by a drunk driver when I was only 8. Ok? That is just the beginning…………………………….It’s way too much for one comment or post. But, what I was really trying to do here, was to tell you that you are not alone and I do it and I understand it, so you don’t need to be embarrassed or ashamed to talk about it here. We aren’t alone. I’m looking forward to following your blog. I’ll stop right here because otherwise I’ll write a book. Sometimes, once I get started, I can’t stop. So, on that note. Have a good night or day, wherever you are. Take care. Peace out. 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

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