Am I Wrong?

Manchester.

I heard about the news via Twitter last night. Before the news came filtering through the television’s speakers. Before I had time to really think about it, I just wanted to push it away.

Am I wrong in doing so?

I can’t relate, or more so, I don’t want to relate.

I don’t feel hopeless about the state of this world we live in. Not when hearing about homicides that is. Suicides, those are different. But apparently not when they are homicidal suicides.

Maybe I shouldn’t be voicing these opinions. Maybe it’s best for me to sit on the sidelines and not say a thing.

But the news doesn’t stop. The details don’t falter. Twitter’s trending with the news, the news itself won’t shut up about it, and I deal with obsessionality so I can’t stop fixating on it either.

I just…don’t want to know. I’m tired of hearing about these atrocities, I remember hearing and avoiding them inpatient, I wish there were a way to avoid them better in real life, on the online world. Instead, it just follows wherever I trickle by.

I just want to distract myself with coloring, my artwork, my life, my stuff. Avengers clips, fanfiction, good stuff. The good we have in the world, rather than the bad.

I couldn’t have changed a thing from where I’m at in this world. It’s not like I could have prevented a thing.

So let me live in my little bubble. Let me keep my empathy to myself for once. Let me push aside the cruelty this world can be and look forwards to what good there is in it, the good there is to live for and live despite the worry and the concern that some day–boom–it may all disappear.

Manchester. North Korea. Russia. Gays in concentration camps. The Holocaust. 9/11.

 

Let me live in my bubble. Let me be safe. And let me apologize to those who’ve lost their lives and have had their worlds shaken, for I do not place myself in your shoes, I dare not to, because I may lose my faith in this world after all.

Let me look at doggos and count the days until I get my own. Let me watch Avengers and Thor clips and dream about what’s yet to come in the MCU. Let me think about good vs evil in the artistic display of high definition through Youtube. Let me read fanfiction about equally atrocious acts yet with a prevailing love and peace and safety at its heart.

Let me not dwell on what happened, and instead focus on what little I can do to change people’s lives for the better–by little acts of kindness.

Let me keep my emotions and thoughts to myself, sharing them with those closest to me. Let me have the strength to venture outside without fear of being killed.

Let me not crave to be taken where I could not take myself.

 

I am sorry, world, but just let me be.

25. Spreading Kindness| #Blog4MH

Hey everyone!! I am BACK!

Finals are OVER and papers have been sent OUT! I am FREEEEEE!!! For the summer at least! Which is enough for me πŸ™‚

I was in such a GOOD mood on Monday after listening to some Sleeping At Last and so I’ve decided to end off the semester with some MORE random acts of kindness! So far I have made about 5 positive messages, 2 formal cards, 6 short letters, 6 stationery kits and here’s hoping for 60 positive messages, 10 short letters, 3 formal cards, 8 stationery kits, 5 drawings and 7 bracelets!

Here’s examples of how things are looking so far:

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So those are some examples of the stationery kits, the positive messages I’ve made so far and some of the letters! OH! I also added a couple of drawings to the cards, here are those:

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So yeah! Exciting stuff!

This is also a small reminder to myself to print out one of my earlier blog posts so I can bring it to therapy tomorrow. πŸ™‚

I plan on heading up to school on Thursday this week, as finals are still going down, to spread around these kindnesses–probably in the morning and arriving home again in the early afternoon πŸ™‚

Plus I still have to read BOOKS and drop them off in Quincy and write book reviews…LEGASP. That’s what I have to do tomorrow.

I also need to doganize my room (dog organize) so when we get our new addition to the family (I’ve got my parents in the bag for this!) they will be able to be in my room without chewing (hopefully) on anything I have on my floor!

So today after I finished writing I worked on the kits and letters and hung out listening to Youtube and tweetering, still.

I actually have an additional RESOURCE for you peeps. I lost all my faith in Twitter today BUT then I got a letter in the mail and it RESTORED it!

There is this founder, Tiffany Lewis, for this non-profit organization called “Pens for Pals” that is an anti-bullying and suicide prevention worldwide program where volunteers get matched to recipients of the same age to receive handwritten letters of hope, inspiration and peer support for whatever they may be struggling with. It’s optional to write back the sender, and they send out letters either weekly or bi-weekly. I got my first letter today!! You can even hear it be read out by Tiffany in this Youtube video below: (I totes suggest checking out the channel, there’s not much yet but it’s a brand spanking new thing (only been going for 2 weeks!) and will grow in time for sure!)

I love the message she is spreading and sending out, and she says in another video that she’s been doing a similar thing for years now, and just recently decided to take her mission to the non-profit level! I think that is AMAZING and awesome and super kind and compassionate of her (plus all the people who are jumping on board the campaign!)

So, spread the word out, peeps!! Their website is pensforpals.org if you’d like to check it out, too.

I’ve already written up my response letter and just have to wait until tomorrow before I can send it out.

There is ALSO this twitter account (and Facebook) called ProjectBuddy that also pairs people on twitter and instagram with someone to talk with and connect with if you’re struggling with suicidality (I believe, but don’t quote me entirely on that!) There are all sorts of resources out there, so keep on looking out for them!

That’s about all I’ve got to say for now, knew I shouldn’t have had that coffee milkshake at 7p! (It’s nearly 11p and I’m pretty much awake right now)

See you guys tomorrow!! ❀ ❀ ❀

Update: Finals

Ugh. Just, ugh.

I’ve been working predominantly all day on finals prep stuff (mainly papers after papers) and I’m so done… except I’m not! SOBS

My ass is sore, I’m tired (and will have to retire to bed soon), I still gotta feed Galaxy and I’m behind in blog posts. GWAH I know I’ll be able to catch up with plenty of time AFTER tomorrow but still. πŸ˜›

I’m so ready to be done with this semester! I can’t wait for summer when the weather actually decides to cooperate and to hang out especially when we get our doggo and then to just blog and vlog and everything like that. AND BOOK REVIEWS! Plus movie reviews, which I’ll be starting soon.

Also, it was my blogoversary yesterday, but I had to put off posting about it until I could really get to it, which won’t be til AFTER tomorrow.

Elisia and I are going to go to the Thomas Crane Public Library after our final and hopefully find a CVS store so we can eat some much needed Ben & Jerry’s ice cream and just relaaaxxxx for a bit. πŸ™‚ I have to book review 2 books before I can drop them off though, GWAH!

And I’m going in late tomorrow for school since my final isn’t until 3p but the afternoon train would be too late, so if I don’t finish my papers before then I’ll have to work on them at school, ’cause I don’t want to bring my laptop tomorrow. :S

So there’s that.

I swear this is the fastest I’ve written up a post in a WHILE.

My brain is sludge and a slushie right now. I want a slushie. I should go to sleep soon. Probably read through one last article and then do the writing and revising tomorrow.

Wish me luck, folks!! ❀ ❀ ❀

24. Spreading Stationery Love | #Blog4MH | Coping

So, I’ve been totes holding out on you guys in the blogosphere when it’s come to my expenditures in the stationery haul shopping world. But I’d like to update you all now with some of the new things I recently got (shhhh, don’t tell my folks!) and some of the older stuff I got a while ago, that I shared in my last Youtube video. :3 As well as some coping stuff I’ve been up to in the last few days πŸ™‚

So, with that said, here’s my latest last video about stationery on my Youtube channel:

And here are my most recent purchases as of this past week:

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Fancy marble styled pencils! πŸ˜€

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Pretty page flags for the book reviews!

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Okay, so didn’t actually buy these but, one day when I have my own sensory room, it’s going to feature one of these pillows (probably the blue one!) because they are SUPER soft and definitely aesthetically pleasing and MADE for a sensory room!!!

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Have I mentioned that I LOVE boxes?

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Le side view of the box.

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Inside view! I JUST got this today, so I don’t know what it will house just yet…. I’ll be thinking about it though!

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Got this the LAST LAST time I went to Target. They’re sticky notes and page flags. I love them. (For obvious reasons, because those sayings are kickass and so true!)

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A small stationery set this came with (the other I’m using for a present for Elisia!) that I’ll probably use to house more stickers and page flags.

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The actual reason I went to Target was to get some deodorant. They didn’t have the one I actually use, but I decided to try this one out. We’ll see how it works. πŸ™‚ Gotta live and learn after all!

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Nargh, stationery!

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I’m also a sucker for journals (and never finishing them). I could NOT pass this one up though!

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It’s soooooo thick! It also has a white bookmarker, which is awesome and I didn’t realize until AFTER I took the pictures. I think this will become my next new journal for blogging and whatnot (AFTER I finish the rest OF THEM) GWAH!

I may also do like daily prompts and positive stuff inside of the above journal, too. πŸ™‚

ALSO From other ADVENTURES of shopping that I’ve been holding out on you guys:

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So, I have NOT actually bought this yet, but I’d like to in the future. (Making future plans <3) Because I’d like to continue expanding into the beautiful world of nail art and this is like a $10 set of doing that. :3 What do you guys think? Do you know of kits that are cheaper elsewhere?

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I really, really like this top. πŸ™‚ ❀

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From Macy’s. My Mom actually wound up getting it for me but as I’ve still to clean my room, I haven’t gotten it just yet. I love the phrase though. πŸ™‚

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Me with the last of a hot coco! I felt pretty fabulous here! πŸ™‚

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I don’t think I actually showed you guys this, but it’s a fancy pink notebook that says “Shine Bright” that reflects rainbows in the light and then three bejeweled pens! (Of blue, pink and silver)

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I liked this lamp at the store today πŸ™‚

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Also this lamp. ^^

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I liked these shirts. πŸ™‚

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RAINBOW EFFECT! πŸ˜€

OH! And most of all:

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NEW Pearly white nail polish.

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NEW Pearly silver.

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NEW bronze metal.

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New purple with metallic gold overlay. I forget what it’s called.

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A shiny mint green (from earlier this year)

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My last nail polish game. Using a cool gray tone I got and then…

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A rockstar pink color. I was disappointed that it’s a clear base rather than pink, but it still has sparkles!

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From when Elisia and I went out, I tested a bunch of polishes at the store. I kept this look for like two weeks. I bought the deep red color and the dark gray. The faded pink is getting to me though (I want to get it next)

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The other gray-ish color that I got a while back.

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CURRENT NAIL GAME

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Bronze metal with a silver streak. πŸ™‚

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How the bronze metal looks on its own.

ANNNNND That’s all I got for this post!!

I hope that you enjoyed this! And I have to work on finals stuff and then I’m also writing a couple other posts tonight :3

I always forget how much I enjoy shopping/browsing until I go back out and find stuff. I’m a particular sucker for lamps, stationery, books, art stuff, boxes, lanterns, string lights, pretty artsy shirts, ties, coloring books….yeah. πŸ™‚

 

Hope you guys are doing well! ❀ ❀ ❀

 

23. I Know That We Will Recover – SADIM Day #11 | #Blog4MH | Make up Day

Chosen song:

Recover by Natasha Bedingfield

Video:

Chosen lyrics:

“Been torn apart,

Got so many scratches and scars,

Maybe they won’t all go away,
But they’ll fade,
Maybe time can mend us together.. again.
It’s not what we’ve done but, how far we’ve come.
We will recover
The worst is over, now.
All those fires we’ve been walking through.
And still we survive, somehow.
We will recover
The worst is behind.
And it hurts, but in time, I know that we will recover.
Everybody’s got a reason to cry,
And everybody fights but, not everyone survives.
And everybody’s searching, not everybody finds
And I’m still in recovery help me make it out alive
Relation:
Another song that goes back to my roots in my recovery journey! I was listening to this song again yesterday and it really helped me and I wanted to share it again for you all here. πŸ™‚ I’ve definitely used the inspiration and hope from these lyrics into artwork before, for instance:
IMG_1064 Upd

Created at the end of 2015.

I actually found this song used in someone’s recovery journey from an ED video. I really fell in love with it from then on. Plus, I love “Unwritten” by this artist, too. πŸ™‚

Chosen emoticon:

πŸŒ‡πŸŒ‡πŸŒ‡ = sunset

22. You MATTER More than all the Stars in the Sky – SADIM Day #10 | #Blog4MH | Make up Day

Chosen Song:

The Fire In You by Juliet Weybret

Video:

Chosen lyrics:

“Let me tell you now what’s all in mind, you will see the sun in a matter of time, so don’t you dare think otherwise.

You’ve got the fire in you to make it through another day, you’ve got the fire in you to stay.

So let it burn through the pain and fight through the quicksands, you know it’s true, you’ve got the fire in you.

Open up those pretty eyes ’cause there’s someone who’d really like to gaze into them for the rest of their life.

You matter more than all the stars in the sky. Don’t wanna hear you sing your last lullaby, so don’t you dare think otherwise….

Breathe in breathe out one day you’re gonna make ’em proud. Breathe in, breathe out.”

Relation:

Β No matter how many new songs I add to my CL;MA playlist, there will always be my go-to original songs from when I first made the playlist. This is one of those go-to songs. I actually listened to this the other day, earlier in the week, when I was struggling and it really helped. I love her song, and I think it’s unique and so very heartfelt and true. That’s why I listen to it. It helps me to choose to live and to stay alive. πŸ™‚

I hope it can do the same for you!

I definitely have been influenced by this song many a time in my recovery journey and have included the lyrics into drawings, or at least been inspired to do so (and if I haven’t it’s only because I haven’t YET). πŸ™‚

Thank you, peeps. ❀

Chosen emoticon:

πŸ€—πŸ€—πŸ€— = hugs!

❀ ❀ ❀

Stay safe,

 

21. Not Your Average College Student | #Blog4MH

The illusive state of the college student. They procrastinate, study for hours, cram for finals and exams, have piles of schoolwork to do. They juggle work hours, volunteering, internships, schoolwork–then add in friendships, relationships, socializing. They may drink alcohol at parties, attend parties to begin with, have sex and do even more than I can imagine here.

Except, I’m not your average college student. And if you’re reading this and you have a mental health condition (that you’ve recognized and have relatively accepted) you’re probably not either.

I don’t go to parties, I don’t even know the people that go to parties. I’ve know a couple of people who go to bars, but that’s about it. The majority of my friends either don’t drink or don’t drink very much. I don’t drink so there’s that. (Since I’ve started this blog I’ve wanted to do a post on “Introvert At A Party”–that will come into existence for reals this summer, so stay tuned)

As a college student, I procrastinate. I have piles of homework. I have friends and do the socializing. But I don’t juggle work, not really. I don’t juggle with volunteering or internships (yet). I don’t really study for hours and I’m definitely not sexually active.

Rather, I juggle with my brain and all its bullshittery. That is a full time job in and of itself.

The reason I bring this up is because I don’t believe that the average mentally healthy college student behaves in the same way as a struggling with their mental health college student. Now, maybe that’s a BOLD statement to be making and I don’t even necessarily mean for it to be, but let’s look at it further, shall we?

The average college student without a diagnosable (could have sworn that was a word) mental health condition will procrastinate, spend odd hours of the night working on schoolwork (that they put off), wake up or sleep irregularly, eat sparingly, skip classes… Actually the more I think of it, I suppose there doesn’t seem to be a difference, does there?

I guess what I want to say is that there’s a difference between myself (and likely some of you all out there) and other college students. Maybe the difference isn’t necessarily mental health status. Maybe it’s about resiliency and coping strategies.

But what I hear the most is the excuse that a person doesn’t have TIME for coping.

Yet, I have to disagree with that.

There is TIME for coping, it’s just about how one manages said levels of time.

Is it easy? No. Is it tiring? Yep. But is it necessary? Hell yes!

If you’re not coping in an adaptive manner for yourself, your mental health will gradually decline and grow brittle, so to speak. It will be easier for you to get triggered or wind up with worse problems that what you started out with.

For me, I hear about other students being able to wake up at 2am to do a 5 page paper, or skip eating several meals to get their work done, or have dozens of exams and still come out on top. As an outsider looking in, I don’t know how they do it.

Maybe it’s because I’m not in that position that I don’t understand it. I must be different because when I try to do any of that stuff, my brain implodes and I wind up in a crisis.

My other main point is that basic physical needs come first. At least, for me, although I imagine it’s truth for others as well.

That means I have to work on getting enough sleep, eating enough, having shelter, basic hygiene (teeth, hair, showering), and securing my physical safety.

After that level of self-care, I need to take my meds and attend therapy. Then comes adaptive coping strategies and THEN there’s schoolwork, work life, other demands, etc.

Priorities. Many college students need to get that shit together. Including me!

Because if I don’t self-care I wind up in bad places. Like sticking shit in outlets that I shouldn’t be doing. Or throwing craisins around in the bathroom. Because fuck it.

I’m not sure if my point was all that cohesive through this post, but it often feels like to me that I’m different from the typical normative college student. I cannot pull all-nighter’s any longer. I cannot wake up at 2am to write a paper. I cannot wake up at 4am to write a paper. I can’t bang out a paper without freezing for several moments first. I lack the motivation to study or care about my schooling. In the larger scheme of things it doesn’t really matter. I can’t skip so many meals. I can’t work several hours.

Rather, I’m a college student that gets her 8-9 hours of sleep a night. I go to bed at 9p, 10 at the latest. I take about an hour nap during the day to recharge. I have to eat my meals because I can’t afford to lose weight. I try to cope as best as I can given the situations and the life that I’m living, because if I don’t I wind up in bad places mentally. I take my meds, I go to therapy, I work hard in keeping myself safe. I color, I blog, I watercolor. I listen to music and try to enjoy the bright moments of my days. I hang out in Craig’s office and with my friends. I’ll eat sushi ’cause it makes me happy.

I get my work done, even if it’s delayed and maybe not always my best.

But if I didn’t meet my basic needs, that work would be a lot worse.

Maybe it is just me, but I have to make the time to care for myself and be OKAY so that I can do everything else. ‘Cause if I’m not okay, nothing else can get done. I have to be ALIVE in order to get my schoolwork done.

And that’s what it comes down to at the start of each day:

Survival. Surviving. Being a survivor.

 

 

❀ ❀ ❀

 

20. Under Attack | #Blog4MH

I’ve tried and thought about writing post #20 about three different times now. Mainly, I’ve tried doing yesterday’s daily prompt yesterday, the recovery A-Z challenge the day before that and yesterday as a SADIM post.

Yet, here we are now.

The past few days have been a bit of a roller coaster ride. Monday night I started my period. Oh fun. Monday is also when I started feeling the effects of a cold coming on. Plus it’s near finals time. What a great combination!

I’ve been getting triggered from twitter lately, as you guys have heard. I had a slight altercation with someone on twitter the other day that left me shaken and vulnerable. I had a moment of stress and a small crisis Monday night, after hearing some information about doggo related stuff that I hadn’t been expecting, mainly more responsibilities stuff and also the lack of faith in me that I can care for another animal.

I realized after I made a tweet that I was very much capable of self-harming and had a mental image of doing so that led me to text some friends. That helped. I bypassed that.

Tuesday was all right. I worked on some school related material. But I haven’t been eating well in the last week. I’ve been hungry but not interested in eating. My self-care in that sense has been off. I also have had trouble staying asleep. Even with my naps during the day a bit.

Any who, with that altercation on twitter I felt more vulnerable on Wednesday.

What happened later is a friend of mine was telling me all about their school workload and the hours they had to work and I got overwhelmed from THEIR stuff. I made a joking remark that in their situation I wouldn’t have been able to handle all that.

Then I realized I wasn’t joking.

And I accidentally triggered myself with those memories, thoughts and feelings.

And my anxiety skyrocketed.

And then I was in a crisis.

I felt unsafe in my safe place.

I couldn’t move, I needed to, wanted to, but couldn’t. Because I was hungry the anxiety was even worse. Because I was tired the anxiety was worse. Because I was already stressed and vulnerable by other factors in my life, the anxiety was worse.

I was a solid 90 on the 100 scale.

Having the intrusive thoughts made me even MORE anxious. I was physically shaking, my heart was racing and beating irregularly here and there (which was uncomfortable by so much) and I was having racing thoughts and talking very quickly.

Another friend of mine that I was actually with at the time helped to be there for me. They asked me what they could do. We played with some modeling clay. (which helped quite a bit). I tried texting a couple other friends but they were busy.

I needed Craig and he wasn’t there, until he was. And I told him what was happening and he suggested going to the counseling center, so there I went.

That was probably a panic attack that I had, that I’ve never had before and hope I don’t again. It was terrible. I rarely get THAT bad of anxiety so it was all around new and terrible.

But I went to the center and I spoke with someone and I was down to a 40 when I got out. I went and got some sushi. Ate that. And just continued working on calming down thereafter.

 

Later on, the depressive slide came to me. So I had my parent pick me up. ‘Cause otherwise I would have needed to go back to the counseling center (which is all right, but I just wanted to go home).

And now we’re here.

Having to recount the story multiple times wasn’t all that helpful for me. So I didn’t mention it right away last night. We got some Little Caesar’s pizza and my favorite breadsticks and I ate dinner and then went to sleep around 8p. I felt bad for not doing even a SADIM for a song that helped me the night before but…

It’s been suggested to me that all this focus on mental health may be triggering me more than helping me. I don’t know about that for sure.

I don’t have many people believing in me right now and that hurts. I’m under attack, mentally and physically. I don’t know how I’ll make it through the summer. I don’t have perspective. I don’t know how to move through this.

 

But I have a few days left of the semester. I have a few essays left to turn in and a final on Monday at 3p to study for and read and watch movies for. I think I will watch movies this weekend and be spreading out the reading assignments from now til Sunday.I have a couple of emails to send my professor’s about extensions, particularly in sociology for a late paper I’m turning in.

I want to say more, but I’ll do it separately. Otherwise, I’ll just be deleting this. I’m sorry. 😦

 

19. I Wanna Live with You Even When We’re Ghosts – SADIM Day #9 – #Blog4MH

Chosen song:

Say You Won’t Let Go by James Arthur

Video:

Chosen Lyrics:

I met you in the dark, you lit me up
You made me feel as though I was enough...

I wanna live with you
Even when we’re ghosts
‘Cause you were always there for me when I needed you most
I’m gonna love you till
My lungs give out
I promise till death we part like in our vows
So I wrote this song for you, now everybody knows
‘Cause now it’s just you and me till we’re grey and old
Just say you won’t let go
Just say you won’t let go
Relation to song:
Man oh man, I just keep changing my mind spontaneously when it comes to the next day’s SADIM! πŸ˜€ For today, I decided to feature this song by James Arthur. I actually didn’t like it when I first heard it, which does happen to me at times, but then the more I heard it, the more I liked it. Took me a while but I warmed up to it. πŸ™‚
What I like about this song is that it tells a story to it (and I’m a sucker for storytelling songs). I also like that it covers the passage of time and the lifetime for two individuals. It makes me think of my Aging course that I took this semester. πŸ™‚ So, that’s cool!
I love the bit about the ghosts, too. I actually have an art idea for that! So this is also a good reminder for when I have the time to write down that idea. πŸ™‚
All in all, I like it, it has a 7 Years by Lukas Graham vibe to me. ^^
I hope you enjoyed it, too!
Chosen emoticon:

πŸ‘»πŸ‘»πŸ‘» = ghosts!

18. Navigating a World of Triggers – #Blog4MH #OCD

I found another article that bordered on disappointing and annoying, this time though it was an author calling out the bullshit of a Good Housekeeping USA magazine using OCD as a quirk and cleaning joke: OCD is not an adjective

I am finding that in the nearly two weeks that I’ve been on Twitter, that it is a cesspool of triggers.

I’m not entirely sure how to feel about that… honestly.

I’ve used the hashtags (particularly the OCD one) in the title as my blog is linked (and has been over these last two weeks) with my blog’s twitter account so that the posts that I write can just go up automatically onto there. It’s a lot easier than doing them one by one, especially as I’m writing many multiple posts each day with this challenge (and soon I’ll have up a new video on my Youtube channel–on a side note, I totally formatted an old SD card and now have space to make videos which I’m happy about)

Any who, back on topic. I’d like to discuss triggers in this post. The world of triggers and in particular, the worldwide web of triggers.

What I find triggering is unique to me. What you find triggering is unique to you. Just as what we find offensive is unique to us and our experiences in life prior. Just because I get triggered by X doesn’t necessarily mean you will. Maybe Y triggers you instead. Regardless, we both will have to face the trigger (especially if it’s unexpected– and they usually are) and live with what happens afterwards. Hopefully we have built up enough of our adaptive coping strategies and have plans set in place to catch us when we get triggered–otherwise, a crisis is on the way.

While triggers are unique to individuals, we can largely generalize what concepts can be triggering for groups of people–such as explicit mention of rape, suicide, self-harm, eating disorders etc.

I’ve always found self-harm depictions of fresh cuts triggering even when I wasn’t someone who used self-harm as a maladaptive coping strategy.

If you would like more detail about what triggers are like, do check out my friend Summer, who discussed this in detail regarding her complex PTSD: T-R-I-G-G-E-R-E-D by SummerShines

(And share the love and hugs with her because she is truly a survivor radiating badassery with her golden flamingo-ness) πŸ™‚ ❀ Love you, poptart!

But back to the point again. I’m not sure what to do about these triggers. I’ve found that the OCD “quiz” was triggering–making fun of the condition when it doesn’t make any logical sense (through language, again, you cannot BE a disorder) and certainly didn’t provide any form of awareness to it. I’ve found that in providing awareness for the OCD misconception that it’s just a “quirk” or about “tidiness” and “cleanliness” ONLY to be triggering–not so much in that tweet itself but how I self-disclosed in it. For it. Necessarily, but I accidentally also triggered myself.

That sucked.

And then this housekeeping article. It was great to read some of the tweets supporting the mental health cause, but even the comments sucked in it (some of them). Again it was people dismissing other people’s offenses. Like, “I didn’t find this offensive, so why are you?” and invalidating others because of this.

I guess I feel a little burned out. I’m so ready to go on the attack that my shoulders are tense (literally, too) and I’m carrying the stress at the top of my back, right where I don’t want it. Granted, still avoiding schoolwork like a boss but that’s going to catch up to me, too. And being stressed before bed means I may pull at night for the trichotillomania, OR I will wake up in the middle of the night again and be awake for a couple of hours–like I was last night. I still lost a few eyelashes, but it could have been worse, too. I’ll take what I can get.

I suppose to answer my own question, I navigate through these triggers by upping my own self-care. By keeping distracted. By doing other tasks, listening to good music, coloring, watching videos, blogging. Because even in blogging it’s a bit of problem solving.

The biggest thing I’m noticing is that I find myself in this stuck position: I get triggered and I can’t do the thing my brain wants me to do (which is good because it means acting on self-harm/suicidal thoughts).

Instead I have to think of other alternatives to cope. I don’t want to be a hypocrite. That last blog post I did about suicidality, I meant what I said in it. Maybe it’s still too one sided but it’s given me more reason to NOT act on my own harming thoughts than since the first round of my recovery journey.

So I guess, the solution for me is to keep talking. Keep being around people, actually do some schoolwork, it’s almost the end of the god damn semester, and get some sleep. Distract. Color. Blog.

Refuse to stay silent.

Bring awareness to the thing that triggers me the most (OCD). It’s mainly triggering because the way I experience OCD now is not how others experience it. Sigh. Thank you, depression and borderline traits!

For now, it is time to feed my little Galaxy. πŸ™‚

I hope this was an interesting read. Let me know down below how you cope with triggers, online or off, and what you do to practice proper self-care after them πŸ™‚ ❀

 

Sending love and positive thoughts to you all. ❀ ❀ ❀