I heard about the news via Twitter last night. Before the news came filtering through the television’s speakers. Before I had time to really think about it, I just wanted to push it away.
Am I wrong in doing so?
I can’t relate, or more so, I don’t want to relate.
I don’t feel hopeless about the state of this world we live in. Not when hearing about homicides that is. Suicides, those are different. But apparently not when they are homicidal suicides.
Maybe I shouldn’t be voicing these opinions. Maybe it’s best for me to sit on the sidelines and not say a thing.
But the news doesn’t stop. The details don’t falter. Twitter’s trending with the news, the news itself won’t shut up about it, and I deal with obsessionality so I can’t stop fixating on it either.
I just…don’t want to know. I’m tired of hearing about these atrocities, I remember hearing and avoiding them inpatient, I wish there were a way to avoid them better in real life, on the online world. Instead, it just follows wherever I trickle by.
I just want to distract myself with coloring, my artwork, my life, my stuff. Avengers clips, fanfiction, good stuff. The good we have in the world, rather than the bad.
I couldn’t have changed a thing from where I’m at in this world. It’s not like I could have prevented a thing.
So let me live in my little bubble. Let me keep my empathy to myself for once. Let me push aside the cruelty this world can be and look forwards to what good there is in it, the good there is to live for and live despite the worry and the concern that some day–boom–it may all disappear.
Manchester. North Korea. Russia. Gays in concentration camps. The Holocaust. 9/11.
Let me live in my bubble. Let me be safe. And let me apologize to those who’ve lost their lives and have had their worlds shaken, for I do not place myself in your shoes, I dare not to, because I may lose my faith in this world after all.
Let me look at doggos and count the days until I get my own. Let me watch Avengers and Thor clips and dream about what’s yet to come in the MCU. Let me think about good vs evil in the artistic display of high definition through Youtube. Let me read fanfiction about equally atrocious acts yet with a prevailing love and peace and safety at its heart.
Let me not dwell on what happened, and instead focus on what little I can do to change people’s lives for the better–by little acts of kindness.
Let me keep my emotions and thoughts to myself, sharing them with those closest to me. Let me have the strength to venture outside without fear of being killed.
Let me not crave to be taken where I could not take myself.
I am sorry, world, but just let me be.