What I never got to say in the month of June was that my eyebrow grew back from the last time I pulled it out–due to trichotillomania. It took a month for the regrowth to happen, and by doing my coloring pages and self-care making sure I got out my stress before I went to sleep, well, that did the trick.
Unfortunately, while being inpatient again, my fingers got rather pull-y. I pulled from my brows and my eyelashes.
I thought it was bad during that time…until last night. By far, my worst pulling ever, worse than the last time I spoke up about it. Genuinely, 85% of that same eyebrow is gone again. I’d like to make this post about the savagery of trichotillomania, what it’s like at it’s worst. Ideally, I’d like to not do much extra research with it, to just keep this post simple and updated-y, but I may surprise myself (as long as my laptop battery doesn’t run out!).
Let’s get started.
First, when I pull at night for me, it feels like there are no consequences to be had. As I said before, I tend to enjoy rolling the thick lash in my fingers before depositing it onto the sheets below. I have pictures of both the aftermath, the regrowth from last time and the charred remains from last night’s pull session. Just an FYI that they’ll be posted here, so if you have trich and it’s triggering for you to read about, I suggest backing away now.
Even typing it now I kinda want to start pulling again.
For me, last night, I was thinking of the whole load of stressors in my current life. Ranging from Mocha to school to my current life situation to hanging out with friends (or trying to plan to do so) and so on and so forth. I didn’t realize I had actually pulled out 35 lashes until I saw the result of my pulling and the lashes left on my sheet.
Here’s what that result looks like:
As you can see, I went for the middle portion the most but even the end of the brow is missing, too. I still can’t decide whether or not it’s worse having that thin sliver at the top (I think it makes me look angry) or if I’d be “better off” without it. :S
Here, too, is the photo of the poor little warriors off the mission and a photo dating back to June of how my brows were looking:
For good measure, although I’ve pulled from my other brow and my eyelashes, this is what the other side looks like right now:
So what do I do about the trichotillomania?
At first, I was shocked and devastated and definitely feeling shame about what I had done. I didn’t actually cry a lot (or at all) which was surprising to me but I did reach out to some friends via text message soon after.
The hardest thing is facing the world after missing an eyebrow. Luckily, I am myself so I can’t actually see my face 24/7 so I have that kind of reprieve (whereas everyone else can see what happened).
I do dread going out into public tomorrow for the partial program looking as I do, yet I’m also hell bent on not covering up what happened either. I mean, I guess if anyone comments on it I can just tell them that I live with trichotillomania, and thereby raise awareness about what it is (even if I don’t know THAT much about it myself). I know that it’s not a “bad habit”, it’s a legitimate OCD spectrum disorder. It is probably the only mental health condition that I live with that actually causes me to feel ashamed about.
I also find that looking at other people’s trich troubles helps me, too. I suppose it just gives me more confidence to wear my face bare and let people question it if they wish to. I just don’t like the idea of hiding–even if instinctively that’s what I want to do.
So wear my face bare is what I’ll do. I refuse to cover it up. Maybe that makes me a coward or disillusioned, but oh well.
While I was inpatient and struggling with this disorder, I made a trichotillomania awareness drawing. I’d like to share that with you all, now.
And yes, I did this in pencil (with no eraser D:) first then colored it in with crayon. The background is a mixture of violet and red violet. This piece was completed on July 4th 2017. 🙂
I’m sure I will have future posts about trich, so in that time I will learn more about it to be able to explain it to you all, too. If you HAPPEN to know more about it than what I’ve presented here and in my previous post, do enlighten me!! 😀
Thank you, everyone! ❤ ❤ ❤