I Survived Part II | Article | #WWRRM

IMG_00004640

By Raquel Lyons

From Part I: Instead of falling asleep though, another crisis began. At this point, it was about four in the morning on Monday August 14th. As I continued to catalogue what was happening to me on Twitter, the thoughts and suicide plans entered my mind. I do not actually recall, now, what the thoughts were specifically about, but they centered on ways to hurt myself and reasons why I should do so. They were cruel, cruel thoughts. I finally made a tweet saying that I thought it was time for me to go.

 

Before acting on that, I remembered the phone number I had included in my “Resources List” article, put it into my phone, and at five in the morning I brought a bag of gel pens and myself down to the darkness of my car in the garage (no keys, of course). I called the crisis line.

 

For half an hour, I spoke to someone on the phone, explaining my situation. I talked about these articles that I had been writing and they were actually the one to point out that I had been finding fault in suicide plans which hadn’t occurred to me. Because of the lull of the summer, they said they would have someone check on me later in the day, and I agreed that that was all right.

 

At six, I crawled my way silently back up to my room and fell asleep for another hour and a half. When I awoke again, I was tired and in a depressive mind set. My friend, whom I had vented to the night before, had returned with a message suggesting I needed to go to the hospital. It wasn’t exactly what I wanted to hear.

 

At some point, I gathered the strength to get out of bed. I remained standing because I had my earphones in and was blasting music (which blocked out the thoughts). I made my bed, colored in a cute seahorse, called my providers about appointments. I decided I would act as though I were in the hospital: which meant I would read, color and make artwork throughout the day.

 

I made it down the stairs after my parents were shouting at me to come down, at about ten o’clock. They were in the dark about what was happening and it irritated me that they were trying to rush me when I was in no state to be messed with. Unfortunately, I snapped at them before I could communicate my friend’s advice to lay low. I was just beginning to eat breakfast when a slower, sad song came on my iPod and my friend communicated displeasure at my response to my parents.

 

All the negative, cruel thoughts came rushing back, and I abruptly picked up my gel pens, my phone, a book of coloring pages and wordlessly hurried down to the garage to call crisis again.

 

This time I was inconsolable. I was sobbing profusely and could barely talk. I communicated that I didn’t want to live anymore if life was going to be like this. I couldn’t even leave my house to take a walk if I wanted to, because I wouldn’t be safe. It was the deepest dark day of my life.

 

After hanging up with crisis, I tried to also call another crisis number, but the wait was too much for me. I then started to form a preventative action plan otherwise known as a safety plan. I called back the first crisis number and spoke with them about my newest idea; in the meantime, I got a call back from check-in.

 

Check-in advised if I were that in need of hospitalization, it would be better for me to go local rather than go elsewhere to get evaluated. I felt deflated then, and discouraged that a hospitalization might be needed. It would be my tenth, my fifth this year. We set up another check-in for a couple hours later.

 

Maybe it was my strong desire not to go back into the hospital or the light of a check-in a few hours later, but I began to turn around. By one, I had taken a shower, laid outside and felt better. A few hours later, I had gotten frozen yogurt and watched bunnies eating greens.

 

All in all, I was stabilizing out. I wondered into the next day whether I should have gone to the hospital, but for the first time, I had wade through severe crises without hurting myself. I learned I cannot listen to music when obsessive.

 

But, most of all, I learned I could survive and radiate badassery. I would later attend my therapy appointment and my psychiatrist and use what I had written to guide the session.

 

Stay safe, out there.


Decided to just put this up today as I’ve finished writing and editing it. Felt I could go on to another article myself with this piece, but I think I covered all the major grounds.

I also want to briefly reflect on the fact that I’m pretty sure all my articles this time around are more positive and focused on problem solving than they have ever been before. That makes me proud and happy. 🙂

Hope you enjoy this piece! It was definitely more emotional to write.

And, with the BPD traits, this is probably understandable as to how I could get kickstarted out of crisis and into more stable ground. I’m definitely stabilized now. I have been more preventative too, and calling up crisis lines sooner than how I acted in this weekend. Here’s to more positivity ahead!! 🙂

 

Rescue Me? | Article | #WWRRM

Articles THUMB

“You do not need someone else to save you, because you can save yourself.” – From my article on ‘Crisis Text Etiquette.’

 

In my article on Crisis Text Etiquette I explained that an individual does not need someone else to save them when in a crisis because they are capable and able to save themselves. I realized I could say more on the topic so I decided to further explore it in this article. What I did not realize, is how much of a problem I have with this, until I examined it and took a step back saying, “Whoa, there. Crap.” I believe I opened up Pandora’s Box, because my denial shriveled away and the issue for as big and large as it is is staring me in the face now.

 

I am not quite sure how I feel about that. This article, therefore, is very personal and I will refrain from using any actual names, as per usual.

 

My issue is not so much with being ‘The Rescuer’ (although I also harbor that problem in the sense of needing to be needed) but wanting other people to rescue me when I am in a crisis. I have been aware that I have produced this pattern with two previous individuals. All, of course, during the time where my mental health took a nose dive.

 

There is one current friend in my life that I still perpetuate this needing others to rescue me phenomenon (although I will engage in this type of interaction to a few people). Which is why I considered bringing it up to begin with.

 

When I get into a crisis, either beforehand, during or after, I want this one friend to rescue me. Only. Them. No one else. Problematic, is it not?

 

It is problematic because they are often busy and even if they were not, it is not a healthy attachment. I tend to joke that I have stinging jellyfish attachment issues. When I have expressed the darkest bits of myself to someone, it is almost like it gives me free range to express those bits again in the future. And then, mixed with my brain wanting to re-experience previous crises and how that person helped me before, then I want them to help me again now. Because, I do not believe I can keep myself safe, even with the knowledge and the past experiences I have had in keeping myself safe. Essentially, I do not trust myself in that way yet and at the same time, I can re-learn that only by moving through crises safely.

 

This means that, in order to move through my crises safely, I go into them with preventative measures, steps and safety plans to act accordingly by. This helps so that I am not at risk of acting impulsively on my thoughts and am more likely to act in line with my values and what my future self will be thankful for. These are measures that I come up with both on my own and with my therapist. My therapist is really good at pointing out when I could have gotten help sooner or done a different action by letting me fill in the blanks. She uses a lot of hand mannerisms too, so that helps me to remember what she says.

 

It is quoted that Robert Frost once said: “The only way out is through.”

 

Feeling distressing emotions is the way I have to go in order to tolerate those distressing emotions. At least, that is my take on my own treatment. Feelings are meant to be felt, I truly believe that, and we cannot pick and choose which ones we get to experience. To numb out from one, is to numb out from them all. Tolerating emotions does not mean enjoying them; it means we learn to co-exist with them. We move from Emotional Mind to Wise Mind (a practice observed through dialectical behavior therapy).

 

In the past there was a crisis I had that at six in the evening I realized I needed to contact a hotline for further help, except I made excuses, and kept putting it off. By ten I was in a crisis, reached out to my friend to reiterate to me what I knew I needed all along.

 

When I relayed the story to my therapist, she told me that I had set myself up for failure in that instance. Because, I knew what I needed at six in the evening and I could have called a hotline in my room, and told them I needed to be in a more private location or anything to that effect. I agreed with this as true, and did not realize until later how much this insight would help me…


Hey everyone! This is yet ANOTHER (:D) article for the fall semester. It’s all about how I often struggle with needing or thinking I need other people to rescue me when I’m in a crisis, because I don’t trust myself to do so or think that I can take care of myself (which I CAN!).

This is one post of two for today, as I am planning on finishing part II of I Survived and uploading that tomorrow, before my therapy appointment (THANK GOD!)
So yeah! Hope you enjoyed it!! I may be updating this in the future with a picture, just so you know. 🙂

Thanks for stopping by!!! ❤ ❤ ❤

Written 8.11, 8.12 & 8.15.17 (in order of submission, this is article #3)