I see, we meet again.
With the hindsight of perspective, I find myself doing what I wanted to do yesterday after I read through your post: I wanted to analyze it. Try to gleam as much information from it as a clue to what was the inner-workings of your mind. I hope that doesn’t sound too technical. I hope it’s not prying too much.
I tend to do that, to pry. I can be a little creeper–I try to pull as much information as I can from a person (which, in most cases I already tend to know it) and then contact other people to find out resources available…I fear I may be sounding confusing: I want to send my friend Jeanine a letter in the mail even though I had to find her address online. I still haven’t sent her anything, because I fear the fact that that set of actions would be crossing a pretty physical line. Maybe I’m a creeper with a conscience?
I look through your words, to try and figure out where I could have stepped in. What I could have done. Was there anything I could have done?
I am not triggered over your words. I kept myself calm, relatively, stable, level-headed. I did NOT re-read last night. I was good. Diary, you even opened up a little too, I am STILL grateful for that.
But I guess I have a problem, diary, because I find myself wanting to save you…from you. But really, you don’t necessarily need me, as you are self-sustaining. Is it too pompous to think you may need some of my own guidance though? I’m not sure.
I want to do right by you as others have done with me.
Yet I fear I may come on too strong. Too…heavy. Too much.
Maybe it’s my duty to reign myself in some more.
I’ve started organizing (I did a LOT of organizing) through all the three years worth of recovery/treatment oriented information (and coloring pages and artwork) that I’ve collected and saved and kept. I’m calling it the Recovery 101 series. I’m going to make copies of some things (some things are your own copies) and send it into a long vanilla envelope that I’ll pick up at CVS and take to the mail office to send to you. I’m not sure yet how I’m going to divide it up.
I can say that there are 7 folders. Which means there’s 7 packets from each folder. This is divided up and numbered/labeled appropriately (for my own purposes because I want to keep them together in the same folders and not mix them all up) although I am mixing them up as I prepare them to send to you. I basically went through the folders and created piles from that that I think particularly apply to your situation and what I think may be helpful.
I’m also making notes on the pages themselves so, yeah, it’s a lot of work and really, I don’t have much else to do anyways, so it’s all good. I’ve done this with Jeanine before. Even with a newer friend, too.
I created a sticker-ed-out card today that I will put into the mailbox tomorrow. That will get to you first.
I also, off topic, have to send back my textbooks and prepare for my IOOV presentation this Thursday.
I also want to use a new journal for inspiring music/song lyrics.
That’s just some self-reminders at the moment, ahahha.
To return to the topic at hand…I’m listening to “One More Light” by Linkin Park and the words Chester Bennington is singing couldn’t be more true:
If they say, Who cares if one more light goes out, in the sky of a million stars? It flickers, flickers. Who cares when someone’s time runs out if a moment is all we are? Or quicker, quicker. Who cares if one more light goes out?
Well, I do.
Diary, you ARE that star, that light, that flame, that hope, that life.
You have battled on for a very, very long time. You have rested in shadows for many moon cycles. Darkness may appear to be all that is around you–but trust me, it’s not. There is light coming towards you, hands reaching out for you and when you are ready, so many of us will be here to support you. You have a community of souls around you cheering you on–although you may not hear our voices just yet, hold onto hope and believe in yourself and in your own self-kindness and they WILL appear.
I write this to you, Diary, and I write this for me and for anyone else out there who finds these words are spoken to them, through them, through us.
We have lost too many lives to suicide.
Just this year: Chris Cornell, Chester Bennington, Hannah Stone, and countless, countless others. Others whose names I may not know and whose truth I know so dearly.
And Diary, we almost lost you, too. The world would be far too dull without you. I hope that you begin to find the reason to live, the passion for life, the choices to opt for self-love and self-compassion, to be kind to yourself and those around you and to let your mask fall from your wonderful cheeks.
If I were there for you, physically, I would first ask if I could hug you, then totally HUG you, Diary.
I am so thankful that you found a spark of hope within yourself to choose a different action, to choose a different direction, to get help.
It will be a long road, and so much is possible.
You are loved. You are important. You are worthy of recovery. You can get help. You can become better. You can regain your life and punch mental illness IN THE FACE like a boss, and you can become a survivor radiating badassery.
You can do all of these things. You will.
Your passing would be a loss not only for a community, but for a world. But rather than just living for others, find the will within yourself to live for YOU. You have the power and the ability to one day be the person on this side of the screen, writing out a similar letter to someone else out there who is struggling. You have a story to be told. You have a life to live. You have a reason and a purpose for existing.
Please, continue to exist. I don’t want pain to be the last thing you experience.
I hope all those we have lost to suicide this year and in all the years rest peacefully.
I hope that if you are someone out there struggling that you have the courage to come forward, out of the shadows and raise your voice to be HEARD. Because you deserve to be recognized and heard and understood, and there will always be someone out in this stratosphere that will be there for you. It’s just about finding us.
Resources (USA): 1800 273 8255 (24/7 suicide prevention lifeline), Text 741 741 HELLO or START, 911 (local emergency services), resources for individual countries can be found through Google, find inspiring MUSIC and song lyrics and QUOTES.
#SickNotWeak on Twitter. #KeepTalkingMH, #ImRightHereMovement.
Find us out there, because we are here. Always.
Stay safe, friends.
❤ ❤ ❤