Sleepy Time Musings

DailyDecemberBlogging THUMB - 12.1.17

Hello again!

It is late, late evening here, just around 9PM as I am writing this blog post. I actually don’t really have much to say other than hello and well, how are you doing? 🙂

I think we’ll take a more journaling approach to today’s post because I am actually QUITE sleepy right now and have all sorts of sleepy time thoughts at the moment. It’s like my head is lolling about on my shoulders like goo and a yawn or two comes slipping out while the bright white of the screen is aiming right for me—ACK!

I have continued to do the photography photo challenge. By tomorrow I will have completed one week of it! I think I may not have mentioned this yesterday but I took up the 7 day photography challenge and will be finished with that tomorrow (I realize I said this twice, it’s that important! XD) I want to continue with it every day though to see if I can go the whole month with photography–an art form I’ve been neglecting for many years now (thanks, depression!). I don’t have the self-discipline to do it every day for a year like some people, but I want to see how long I can keep it going without stopping! It’s said that what, 24 consecutive days gives you the forming of a habit? I was extra creative both yesterday and today’s photo shoots. 🙂 It will be quite exciting to upload that work when I’m ready. I’ve also been toying with the idea of clearing out my SD card–to start fresh, you know?

I’d like to make some bracelets tomorrow and work on scrapbooking. My parents will be going out (plus there’s doggy playtime tomorrow for Mocha) so I’ll be with the pupper for a few hours alone tomorrow and I definitely want to use that time to make a couple of videos. I would like to also challenge myself to making two videos a week for this month.

I did a 3 hour yoga for depression class today. Boy, I did NOT want to give up my Saturday for it and the yoga stuff was pretty quick and hard on my body (maybe adding to why I’m so tired this evening!) but it was one of those instances where I was pretty sure it’d be something to help me out in the long run even if I didn’t want to do it now.

It was pretty good overall. I had a few negative self-harm/suicidal thoughts while I was there–something I can chalk up to re-imagining old memories from my NAMI talks (two days straight) and a couple questionable (Amanda Todd and the freakin’ Netflix 13 Reasons Why) videos I’ve watched that have stacked up internally and provided my brain fuel to pigeon hole into my skin. Metaphorically speaking, of course.

Basically, my triggers added up to some intrusive thoughts–I’ve also realized that for some reason when I am out in the world more than I am at home I experience more intrusive thoughts (so maybe the OCD hasn’t actually utterly disintegrated, I’m not sure).

Meditation was not meditation yesterday.

Got to learn a lot of awareness and breathing focusing today in the yoga class, as well as how temporary and passing everything is in life. That, I enjoyed. Everything in life is temporary and our states of mind will not last forever.

It also struck in me this Art Idea Drawing #1: of a silhouette lying on the floor with a large thought bubble and filled out rambling thoughts. Basically, a note to myself that I want to draw that, and it’s odd to think when you’re in a room full of people that everyone is thinking something different and you would never really know about it unless they told you.

Like, we are all separate people living in our own unique bodies that are no two exact pieces. And our bodies are our vessels and death is something we all have to encounter at some point and the thought of just experiencing dying and not experiencing death and the planes of how that works is just…fascinating and terrifying. Like, we experience dying but not death itself. Is there anything afterwards? If there is, could we reasonably experience it? What happens, what is it like? Can we ever go there and come back to here? Do other life forms exist in our universe?

We only have one life. There is no rewind button in real life. When mistakes or deaths happen, we see the warning bells only afterward, but we can’t go back to undo it. What if we could though? Would we? What if there were a way to predict a bad, tragic event before it happened? Would you use it? Would any of us? Or would we just let it play out as it naturally would? Would that make us responsible lawfully if we did?

It’s always fascinated and terrified me this concept, this notion of death. Like, it’s miraculous I’ve made it this far in 24 years to be right where I am right now. There are so many possibilities and opportunities where I could have intervened in my life (whether that’s from my own actions based or someone else’s) or the world could have randomly struck me down, but it didn’t and that’s how I’m still here.

But some people don’t get that chance. Yet, others do.

Life is just really, really fucking strange.

Time is a relative notion. It’s going to be a new year soon.

I exist almost as a separate and yet united entity in my body. Yet this form is not my only one–even when at the same time, it is. I have a physical body, a mind and a soul. I am not my thoughts and I can become self-aware and watch them come in and out like a river’s waves. It’s kinda like the concept in science how if I poked you, I wouldn’t technically be touching you in the molecular level of all things.

In that way we can be so very isolated and alone.

Yet, the body and the mind and the soul are such triumphant and ever enduring forms. Not to mention the whole notion of ideas and chakras and religions and perspectives.

Don’t get me started on anti-social personality disorder. The idea that people who are against society and other humans and have the fundamental lacking of human emotion and can therefore commit terrible, horrible acts (not to be confused for the equally if not more frightening individual who can experience human emotion and thereby destroy other human lives (or animal!) for no other reason than because they can) are lumped in with those of us with mental health conditions who do not actively strive to hurt others is pretty much beyond me.

I feel slightly more energized now and I’m glad I could get out my thoughts productively. Time to fill out my planner and get some continued down time going.

Do you have any thoughts or thought patterns similar to mine? Any stories or ideas you’d like to share? Any coping strategies or yoga poses you’d like to share?

Thank you for reading.

Maybe this is what sleepy time brain time is like, ahahaha.

❤ ❤ ❤