A Letter to Eugenia Cooney

Trigger Warning: Eating disorder details mentioned in this post.

I’m not sure how to start this blog post. If I submit this blog post tonight (Dec 6th), it will be alongside my secondary submission of today’s daily post. Meaning, it will be my second post even though it’ll come out before the other one and this one is not attached to that one. Does that make sense? Let’s just roll with it, shall we?

Hello there, my name is Raquel Lyons and I am a mental health advocate and recovery voyager of various mental health conditions alongside bouts of self-harm and suicidality. I’ve been doing uberly well lately and have been maintaining that wellness. I run the blog Recovery to Wellness here on WordPress and also have a Youtube channel under the same name and a Twitter page under a similar name.

I am a lover of unicorns and rainbows (something that’s become quite “in” lately), I am a Marvel Cinematic Universe fanatic (particularly Loki centered Avengers fanfiction), I love creating various forms of artwork and also still have a deviantART page! My soul, as I boldly love to claim, is the color of a rainbow with sparkles and a bright white light that causes traffic accidents worldwide! 🙂 ❤

That’s a little bit about myself. And that’s important to know because this post may or may not (I certainly don’t have a magic 8 ball, although we used to!) become eye candy to other people out there. I am name-calling to the ninth degree and broadcasting this out into the world…something I’m actually a little uncertain to do about. But I write this letter in hopes that Miss Eugenia Cooney will see it. And, in hopes that others who struggle as she does might see it, too.

If you don’t know, Eugenia is a very popular Youtuber who creates frequent clothing haul and make-up videos and other quirky things like that. She’s done some commentaries on her older Youtube videos, old modeling photos, and childhood photos as well. She loves Jack Skellington from A Nightmare Before Christmas (something I’ve actually never seen myself) and was once into the ’emo’ phase as a younger Youtuber. She’s had her channel, I believe, since about 2013 and she’s twenty-three years old to date (I’m only 24, myself!). She runs a Twitter page, an Instagram, a Snapchat and also makes appearances on YouNow (a live broadcasting website).

Eugenia is a very, very sweet young woman who, as of 2017, has been blossoming like a little cherry blossom into more of a pastel or “girly” (I use the term loosely) style in clothing and room decor: She has a “Princess” banner in her room, the walls are pink and she’s got stuffed animals, Hello Kitty and kawaii stuff all about (which, frankly, I think is awesome).

I think this is the point where I make a very loud disclaimer. I don’t know Eugenia personally, although she has liked a few of my tweets and that makes me feel noticed by senpai! I don’t know her other than what she puts out online for the world to see… which to be frank, is a hefty duty to make. I give you major props, Eugenia, because you let a lot of other people into your life than most people would dare to do. Especially since there comes a dark side to the popularity.

Eugenia appears to be suffering from a mental health condition, maybe even a few.

The word ‘appears’ is a…tricky one. First of all, there is no such thing as a “look” to a mental health condition. I’ve had a couple people in my life tell me that I don’t “look” like I live with depression or suicidality, and that makes sense, because there’s NO such thing as a “look” to internal (even external) struggles.

Some struggles, some battles, are what some people refer to as “invisible” AND even with that truth, there can be external…warning signs. Little alarm bells that go off, so to speak.

I believe that Eugenia may be suffering from an invisible illness.

Now, it’s not my place to judge or “armchair diagnose” other individuals.

Do I do that, though?

Yeah. Ohhhh, yeah. This gal right here? I do that in books, movies, and real life. It’s almost like a guilty pleasure.

But genuinely, I think there are things happening behind the scenes in Eugenia’s life.

Now, there’s a reason I’m writing this post right now. Hell, I believe there are things happening in Eugenia’s freakin’ brain that no one else (or few others) know about. Eugenia is someone who I think this drawing (inspired by a good friend of mine in the blogging community) applies to:

IMG_00003042

I think I showed this to you guys before, or, maybe I hadn’t, I don’t recall, actually. I don’t even know if I uploaded it to DA, but that’s neither here nor there.

What it shows is a mountain range with a big orange sun radiating out light, and a blue sky with pink in the clouds up above and the phrase “Your positivity masks deep pain.”

Now, I say this to Eugenia:

You are an undeniably sweet, kind, compassionate and caring human being. I do not believe for a second that you are in any way trying to “manipulate” your large audience to look like you or become as thin as you are.

Honestly, I don’t think you even realize yourself how dangerous the dice you are rolling are heading off the table.

I believe that you are suffering internally. I believe you have the ability, and not just that but the true courage inside of you, the REAL Eugenia, to seek help from medical professionals, therapists, psychiatrists, whatever and everything that will help you to become your true self, a version of you that is safe and healthy and happy.

You may not want to share your darkness with the world, I understand that. But please know, that there are many, many people who want to see you get better. You do not have to go through this bullshittery alone.

I believe in you, always. I believe you will live to see the day where you get better, not just physically but mentally.

I wish that for you so very, very much. You deserve to live to see that day for yourself, too. You could help to inspire so many other people, just like so many of us humans can do with our lives.

I know you get a LOT of shit from the Internet. They may always exist in your life, but there ARE people who want to and will support you through your recovery. I hope that you can choose that path for yourself before something truly tragic occurs.

Anorexia is the most deadly mental health condition. To my knowledge, it is a large sweeping umbrella–all eating disorders are–with many misconceptions and problematic stigmas taking place in the freakin’ world today and for so many years prior.

I think that because Eugenia has always been on the thinner side, that her possible…her potential–her probable anorexia has just gone unnoticed. And, that, frankly, sucks ass. That’s just shit.

And, it might be her reality.

As someone who has also always been on the thin side, I can imagine that this eating disorder has slowly and gradually robbed Eugenia of the things she enjoys most in this world.

Eugenia dealt with bullying in real life as a young girl, and it’s absolutely abhorrent that she deals with it on a larger, more elusive, electronic way to this day. She has had so many trolls, so many misconceived notions thrown her way and she STILL continues to post about her life and her triumphs with waking up each morning despite it all. She is a WARRIOR, genuinely and truly.

And I think she is living with a treatable, difficult but treatable, mental health condition that if not stopped, will take her life. I dread that that day may come soon.

Anorexia, and all eating disorders, are very complicated mental health conditions. There is likely no “one” root cause for them forming in people’s lives. There is no “one” route for treatment, either.

Spamming somebody, relentlessly, with hate, body-focused compliments (or insults), and saying “Just eat” doesn’t help ANYONE.

The Internet can be a very cold, very dark and very cruel place.

And not all places on the Internet are that way. Not all people on the Internet are that way. I don’t have the answer for Eugenia. And I don’t pretend to have it, either.

I just wanted to add my own voice into the mix. I guess I want to feel like I’m doing something when there’s so little I can actually do. But maybe, maybe not curing someone is a call to action. Maybe I don’t “have” to go about “saving” someone like Eugenia, maybe just saying something when there are cruel people who exist to tear someone like Eugenia down, to speak up for the voiceless, maybe that IS something. Maybe that means *something* in this fucked up world.

I’ve got to believe that I can empower change in someone in this world, otherwise, what would be the point in saying anything at all?

Maybe Eugenia always had a problematic approach towards food, that I do not know. Again though, I can see–as someone who has never personally weighed a hundred pounds in my lifetime (although I’m soon to pass that milestone)–that it could have easily started out innocently, even true that she is naturally thin, and then somewhere along the middle dipped into an eating disorder. I think it’s also very likely that because she is so ill, so consumed by the anorexia, she doesn’t know or realize or WANT to know that she’s in some deep level shit.

Again, it sucks that so many people start seemingly caring when a person has gotten “thin “enough””. Again, there are many, many misconceptions I can go into, probably more than I realize, that I’ll just spare you all the details in. I highly encourage you to read up on anorexia and fellow eating disorders to learn about them, understand them better and to better help those who are struggling with them in the future–both if you know a loved one who is struggling or if you want to be like me and write fanfiction about it.

I think the Internet fucked up by calling Eugenia out on her issue (probably not how people advise others to go about it) so much in the last few years, even during the duration she’s been online prominently and now she’s become immune to more nasty comments (she’s built a tolerance, so to speak and such immunity in this case would be a good thing, sad for sure, but good because the nastiness I mention are just very cruel, Internet people) that there is likely very little the Internet can do to help her. Especially if the Internet’s role is to demean, degrade and insult her. That’s just not going to help anyone, again.

I mean, I’ve been called “anorexic” in my life before (not true and also not correct terminology and also not an insult) and it is like my knee jerk reaction to say that no, I’m not. So, in that way, I can see how that may be playing a role in Eugenia’s case. I also think at some point an unhealthy relationship has formed with food for her because she is so worryingly thin, thinner than she has ever been before, and dangerously thin that something horrible could happen to her at any point in time.

I wish I could say that my writing this article would do a whole lot of good for her. But that’s probably thinking a little TOO highly of myself. However, I do encourage anyone to leave their thoughts, their comments, their opinions and everything in between in the comments below. And please, share this.

Because, it matters. Eugenia, you matter. You don’t deserve to die. None of us do, not in this mental health awareness community. Not in this WordPress family. There are SO many people who care about you, so many people who root for you each day, please, do everything you can to see us and hear us and help yourself. Please, strive to tattle tail on yourself if it means getting help and getting better.

It is heartbreaking to watch this young woman go deeper and deeper down the rabbit hole. And to be frank and honest, that’s not saying I don’t want to see it happen, rather, I’d like to know and I’d like to know HOW I can help and how if there’s ANYTHING absolutely anything I can do to help minimize the burden of this mental health condition because it’s got to be heavy to bear on your own, Eugenia, viewer, reader, whoever is reading this. I’d rather know.

I highly, highly encourage anyone out there who is struggling with an eating disorder, mental health, suicide, depression, self-harm, to please, please seek help. You are worthy of recovery. You are worth so much more than the bullshit your brain tells you. I know I am just one person in the world, and I am telling you that you matter and you are important and you are enough just as you are right now.

There are about a dozen hotlines you can call if you live in the USA:

The NEDA Helpline is available Monday-Thursday from 9AM to 9PM ET, and Friday from 9AM to 5PM ET. Contact the Helpline for support, resources and treatment options for yourself or a loved one.

Helpline volunteers are trained to help you find the information and support you are looking for. Reach out today!

Ways to Contact the NEDA Helpline: You may reach the Helpline at (800) 931-2237.

The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1800 273 8255

And you can happily Google all sorts of other hotlines and chat forums to help you or someone you love if they are in need.

 

This has been a lot of writing. I think I have finally said, genuinely and actually, EVERYTHING I wanted to say. This was a lot and it’s ironically dinner time and time for me to sit out blogging for a while so I can write up my next post.

With that said, thank YOU for reading. I hope it was interesting or educational or helpful in some manner. Please do share this, but do NOT send her or anyone else unnecessary (even “necessary”) hate or bullshit. Just don’t.

If you would like to suggest a topic for me to write on in the future, something a little more candid or in response to things, let me know. And please share your own thoughts on the matter and everything to that extent.

Thank you for existing.

❤ ❤ ❤

One thought on “A Letter to Eugenia Cooney

  1. Pingback: Goodbye, Athena: My Grieving Process. | RecoverytoWellness

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