Enter Mode: Rage Quit

DailyDecemberBlogging THUMB - 12.1.17

Nice things.

All I want in this world is nice things.

Like the fucking WiFi not cutting out every other second.

Like the ability to make proper decisions.

Like not wanting to do 5 different things all together all at once at the same time.

These are the simple things I ask for.

And what does the day bring me?

Fucking RAGE QUIT MODE.

I’ve tried to get my daily thumb up about five times? The draft continues to fail. Each tab is highlighted like a motherfucker because of a previous day’s fuck-up and the browser deciding to be a bitch. The fucking portal for online physical check-ups no longer being fucking PHYSICAL (and continually not loading or being supported by Wifi) and the I don’t know what to do with my life coming in the form of: I want to go out to shop and I don’t want to move. I know I should, even though I shouldn’t spend money (Read: I don’t have any money–not physical at least), I want to film, I want to do said filming on my camera, should I even keep my Youtube channel? Oh the uncertainties! Shouldn’t I shower? I should probably shower. But if I wait now then I can’t go out and I just have the VIBE to go out today..to..night.

UGH

WHY THE FUCK IS MY SIDE BAR GOING UP WITHOUT ME TELLING IT TO?

WHAT IS LIFE? BABY DON’T HURT ME, DON’T HURT ME, NO MORE.

Lmao, sorry, the reference NEEDED to be made.

Yeah, maybe I’ll go rage quit now and just get my ass out of the house for a little bit. I can’t even finish checking out anything on the Internet for the stores I wanted to stop by. Like, ugh, what.

This message has been brought- to you – by a fucked up Wifi. Oh, it’s gone. Let’s wait a sec.

An Almost Lazy Day

DailyDecemberBlogging THUMB - 12.1.17

Hey peeps!

I’m back again for another blog post. Of course, just as I sit down to write this piece I have to pee! Gah. I might as well use the bathroom before bed, hold on a sec!

Okay, I’m back!

So today was a rather lazy-ish day than most. Even though I still got myself up and out of the house–especially when I did NOT want to (which is great progress) still I just feel swamped tonight! I feel totes ready to get to sleeping as I haven’t actually napped today or the two days prior (minus yesterday, I believe). Soooo, bleh.

I finished the 7 day photo challenge today!! πŸ˜€ It was more LED string lights fun–some especially bright ones this time too! I spent a good hour split up today doing that as Mocha had to go out once while I was shooting. They’re coming out really, really great and I definitely have some excellent shots within the shoots so I’m happy about that! I can’t wait to continue re-shooting for the coming days as well as what new ideas will sprout in my mind during that time, too!

I was just watching slime compilations early on at 9pm when I found my eyes getting super heavy and the tiredness just sloshing out of me. I still had to feed Galaxy though so I made the trip downstairs (after some light, tense leg stretching) and spent some time with Mocha (who was yet again sleeping) and patted her and everything (apparently the ticks aren’t dead yet for the season change, shit!) and then fed him and used up my last reserves of energy trying to get her to go upstairs.

Mom gave me the “why don’t you do anything around the house without being told” lecture today, what a snooze fest! πŸ˜‰

But really though, when it comes to Mocha I’m secretly always waiting for the other shoe to drop. I feel bad about it and feeling bad about it makes me want to just go run, hide away and forget it exists. Kinda like what I did today when it came to my unexpected attention to feed Mocha dinner (’cause I haven’t done it in forevers) while my parents were out. Even just when they were gone I didn’t use up all the time as well as I could have under other circumstances so that’s kind of a bummer. 😦 Ah well, it’s over now.

I’ve gotten a little more inventive when it comes to these photo challenges I’ve taken up. πŸ™‚ I can’t wait to show you guys the coloring I’ve been working on lately too!

Well, I should probably head to sleep now. I think I need to wash my face ’cause I put it too close to Mocha and my skin is crawling πŸ˜›

I also filmed my shortest video ever today XD

More on that tomorrow πŸ˜‰

Love ya, peeps!!

❀ ❀ ❀

Sleepy Time Musings

DailyDecemberBlogging THUMB - 12.1.17

Hello again!

It is late, late evening here, just around 9PM as I am writing this blog post. I actually don’t really have much to say other than hello and well, how are you doing? πŸ™‚

I think we’ll take a more journaling approach to today’s post because I am actually QUITE sleepy right now and have all sorts of sleepy time thoughts at the moment. It’s like my head is lolling about on my shoulders like goo and a yawn or two comes slipping out while the bright white of the screen is aiming right for me—ACK!

I have continued to do the photography photo challenge. By tomorrow I will have completed one week of it! I think I may not have mentioned this yesterday but I took up the 7 day photography challenge and will be finished with that tomorrow (I realize I said this twice, it’s that important! XD) I want to continue with it every day though to see if I can go the whole month with photography–an art form I’ve been neglecting for many years now (thanks, depression!). I don’t have the self-discipline to do it every day for a year like some people, but I want to see how long I can keep it going without stopping! It’s said that what, 24 consecutive days gives you the forming of a habit? I was extra creative both yesterday and today’s photo shoots. πŸ™‚ It will be quite exciting to upload that work when I’m ready. I’ve also been toying with the idea of clearing out my SD card–to start fresh, you know?

I’d like to make some bracelets tomorrow and work on scrapbooking. My parents will be going out (plus there’s doggy playtime tomorrow for Mocha) so I’ll be with the pupper for a few hours alone tomorrow and I definitely want to use that time to make a couple of videos. I would like to also challenge myself to making two videos a week for this month.

I did a 3 hour yoga for depression class today. Boy, I did NOT want to give up my Saturday for it and the yoga stuff was pretty quick and hard on my body (maybe adding to why I’m so tired this evening!) but it was one of those instances where I was pretty sure it’d be something to help me out in the long run even if I didn’t want to do it now.

It was pretty good overall. I had a few negative self-harm/suicidal thoughts while I was there–something I can chalk up to re-imagining old memories from my NAMI talks (two days straight) and a couple questionable (Amanda Todd and the freakin’ Netflix 13 Reasons Why) videos I’ve watched that have stacked up internally and provided my brain fuel to pigeon hole into my skin. Metaphorically speaking, of course.

Basically, my triggers added up to some intrusive thoughts–I’ve also realized that for some reason when I am out in the world more than I am at home I experience more intrusive thoughts (so maybe the OCD hasn’t actually utterly disintegrated, I’m not sure).

Meditation was not meditation yesterday.

Got to learn a lot of awareness and breathing focusing today in the yoga class, as well as how temporary and passing everything is in life. That, I enjoyed. Everything in life is temporary and our states of mind will not last forever.

It also struck in me this Art Idea Drawing #1: of a silhouette lying on the floor with a large thought bubble and filled out rambling thoughts. Basically, a note to myself that I want to draw that, and it’s odd to think when you’re in a room full of people that everyone is thinking something different and you would never really know about it unless they told you.

Like, we are all separate people living in our own unique bodies that are no two exact pieces. And our bodies are our vessels and death is something we all have to encounter at some point and the thought of just experiencing dying and not experiencing death and the planes of how that works is just…fascinating and terrifying. Like, we experience dying but not death itself. Is there anything afterwards? If there is, could we reasonably experience it? What happens, what is it like? Can we ever go there and come back to here? Do other life forms exist in our universe?

We only have one life. There is no rewind button in real life. When mistakes or deaths happen, we see the warning bells only afterward, but we can’t go back to undo it. What if we could though? Would we? What if there were a way to predict a bad, tragic event before it happened? Would you use it? Would any of us? Or would we just let it play out as it naturally would? Would that make us responsible lawfully if we did?

It’s always fascinated and terrified me this concept, this notion of death. Like, it’s miraculous I’ve made it this far in 24 years to be right where I am right now. There are so many possibilities and opportunities where I could have intervened in my life (whether that’s from my own actions based or someone else’s) or the world could have randomly struck me down, but it didn’t and that’s how I’m still here.

But some people don’t get that chance. Yet, others do.

Life is just really, really fucking strange.

Time is a relative notion. It’s going to be a new year soon.

I exist almost as a separate and yet united entity in my body. Yet this form is not my only one–even when at the same time, it is. I have a physical body, a mind and a soul. I am not my thoughts and I can become self-aware and watch them come in and out like a river’s waves. It’s kinda like the concept in science how if I poked you, I wouldn’t technically be touching you in the molecular level of all things.

In that way we can be so very isolated and alone.

Yet, the body and the mind and the soul are such triumphant and ever enduring forms. Not to mention the whole notion of ideas and chakras and religions and perspectives.

Don’t get me started on anti-social personality disorder. The idea that people who are against society and other humans and have the fundamental lacking of human emotion and can therefore commit terrible, horrible acts (not to be confused for the equally if not more frightening individual who can experience human emotion and thereby destroy other human lives (or animal!) for no other reason than because they can) are lumped in with those of us with mental health conditions who do not actively strive to hurt others is pretty much beyond me.

I feel slightly more energized now and I’m glad I could get out my thoughts productively. Time to fill out my planner and get some continued down time going.

Do you have any thoughts or thought patterns similar to mine? Any stories or ideas you’d like to share? Any coping strategies or yoga poses you’d like to share?

Thank you for reading.

Maybe this is what sleepy time brain time is like, ahahaha.

❀ ❀ ❀

December: An Outline

DailyDecemberBlogging THUMB - 12.1.17

Hey everyone!! It’s been a little while since we last talked, and I wanted to start out this new month fresh and with a brand new thumb (I only swapped some of the colors around, hehe) to kick off what will become this December’s daily blogging month! πŸ™‚

I basically will be outputting similar posts as I did in August so you can expect to see:

  1. Song a day mental health challenges
  2. Articles
  3. Film Reviews
  4. Book Reviews
  5. Artwork
  6. Photography (I decided this week would be the time I successfully set out to accomplish the 7 day photo challenge. I’m further challenging myself to see how many consecutive days I can go with taking pictures so that stuff will become a post in and of itself :))
  7. Recovery Restoration posts
  8. #RecoveryHome
  9. “The Cards We’re Dealt” novel idea map workout

I think that’s about it! I’d also like to cover any of my future/ongoing goals (I will do a post tomorrow updating–or maybe on Sunday? Hmmm) to set out what I planned on doing and what I actually accomplished. I also want to do “To Do” lists. Plus stationery update stuff, nail art and coloring projects. I’ve started coloring in an awesome peacock and it looks wicked so far!

When I fill out the goal section of my planner for this month, I’ll obviously update you guys, naturally. I’m also probably going to participate in some daily prompts/photo challenges.

Hmmm, I think that’s about it. Had a rough end of the evening but overall I’ve been very, very well lately πŸ™‚ Triumphant and all πŸ˜‰

Until tomorrow, friends!!!

❀ ❀ ❀