Hurricanes are messy, chaotic and disorganized by their very nature. I feel as though panic is the same way–it just scatters everything around in its wake and leaves you disheveled and wondering what in the world just happened. Like hurricanes, panic is a force to be reckoned with and it probably does not go away quickly but rather gradually. I do not actually know how long the average hurricane lasts and what their characteristics are for certain. I just know what panic feels like and because anxiety is something I do not often experience, when it happens it happens in a *big* way for me.
I also do not know who I am writing these articles for anymore. I think, largely, they are just for me and they are a good way of updating my WordPress friends –if they are out there and still reading my work. It is similar to a life update post but with a more honed in reaction and sandbox playtime that achieves a specific purpose and entails a story and a continuation that happens off the page. Writing these articles is a way for me to journal in a specified way that allows me to not only vent but capture this moment as it is, unfiltered…well, somewhat unfiltered is more accurate.
Because sometimes I need to filter through my unfiltered writing, otherwise, panic occurs.
I wrote an article recently, one of six, which caused some chaos and hysteria–external to me. As my panic dissolves away from this heightened emotional state, the guilt is starting to take center stage. I really liked that article, too. I think I am harboring feelings of being more upset that it will not be published (and I know why that is) because I really liked how it came out. It finally had a positive tilt to it, something my previous five articles were extremely lacking in. There are now three articles that will never see the published version of this newspaper. I suppose, in a way, I am beginning to grieve that loss.
This one article I am talking about right now had a concerning couple of paragraphs. Unfortunately, those chosen words had an undesired impact on those who read it. I knew I should have added an update sentence or two that I had reached out to a friend and spoken with them about my, at the time, current circumstance and also decided for a week to fully propel myself into my recovery journey.
Alas, that update never made it to the final cut and so it was cut off, completely. I feel silenced and I understand why I was, it does not make it fairer or okay to me, but it is a start. I feel like I am only allowed to represent the positive, hopeful and shiny side of recovery and not all the doubts, darkness, hopelessness and grimy parts of it.
That does not sit well with me because both exist. It is not fair or possible to cut out all of the good and all of the bad out of a given situation. Life is a murky, gray filter. There are exceptions to rules and outliers.
I understand, at the same time, that I should have been clearer about the changes that occurred after I had written the article and how I had reached out for help. Again, however, I would have felt guilty for lying if that was not what I intended to do. It is not a simple solution answer, is the best way of describing it, I think.
I also understand and can hold the weight that people external to me were very worried and concerned for my safety, and the questionability of that safety is why the article will never see the light of day (except on my blog and my own personal social media accounts). I really did not write it as a “goodbye.” I purposely left it open-ended with a positive tilt because I started reaching out to my support network soon after I stopped typing it.
But other people did not know that, and it would have been more responsible for me to go back into the article to add in that change. I appreciate the caring and I apologize on the panic that traveled out like an earthquake because of my own actions and inactions.
I do not know where my story goes from here. I guess I will probably write more than I publish. It is a good coping strategy for me. And I also keep in mind how what I do impacts those around me. Maybe it is time I start thinking about my responsibilities of writing in a university newspaper and how what I say or do impacts others. I had been avoiding that lately, and now that I know though, I can bring more self-awareness to the issue.
This article was written February 9th 2018 around 3:30/4pm.
I just tried signing into my account for the newspaper’s website and I think I’ve been banned. So, I’m trying not to cry about that. I’m charging my phone and haven’t heard from anybody about anything. Again, trying not to cry. Probably gonna continue writing, but this might be it for my writing in the paper and I fucked it up with the most ironic article, my last one about “Recovery Raquel is Under Construction.”
So, you know, that’s great. Not upsetting at all. If you have any support or tips to offer me or cognitive reframes, that’d be great. If it is the end of my writing for the paper I will likely continue doing them on my blog, Twitter, DA, etc. Maybe people don’t want to hear about me anymore. Being silenced by the man, for sure.
Stay safe, my friends. ❤ ❤ ❤