Struggling with Changes

So I’ve been using Windows Movie Maker for the duration of the time that I’ve been creating content for Youtube, circa back December 2016. It wasn’t the best, but it got the job done. It was pretty self-explanatory, I learned it from hovering over little objects and learning what they did and what keyboard short cuts to use to fiddle around with them. It was pretty basic and only a few times did I really go ham into the program and wind up with repeatedly corrupted files and problems saving them and having to restart all over again. This happened more towards the end of 2017. It got to the point where Movie Maker just wasn’t getting the job done anymore. I got bigger ideas and longer files and when the corruption came it stressed me out.

We all know me, I don’t do well with stress. Stress triggers intrusive thoughts and I wind up having distorted thoughts about suicide glorified to the ninth degree and images of ways I can hurt myself, to put it plainly. Getting out of the house more means I have more intrusive thoughts, especially on campus since so much of it is fixated there. But my bedroom has been a place for a lot of that, too, and some traveling destinations (Target, the train station, a few specific places along those travels, etc).

My knee jerk reaction towards stress is to kill myself. Not very good and not very helpful and definitely not the best reaction to have for absolutely everything in life.

But I’ve been good for two months.

Two solid, tangible months.

I’ve been stable, happy, creative and artistic so much so that rainbows were erupting from my asshole and everything in life was so bright and sparkly.

And then came along minor transgressions that lead to some not so good choices (I’ve been pulling from the trichotillomania this weekend) something that I had gotten so well under control, and I got my new video editing software, finally, a new one!

I installed it on Friday night and by Saturday I was playing around with it and that’s where the trouble started. Because Pinnacle Studio 21 doesn’t come with a super friendly set up. Yes, there are little shortcuts and hover descriptions on symbols of various kinds, but there wasn’t a tactile and tangible how- to to it. It was foreign and complicated, scary and anger provoking. I got frustrated with it pretty quickly. They do have Youtube videos about how to use it online, and they help in moderation but there’s nothing quite like learning a new program by actually doing it and using it and videos just don’t quite cut it, you know?

So I’ve been having trouble with it. Yesterday I had to take a break away from it because it made me angry and disappointed and hopeless.

My weekend in general has been very lazy, consisting of lots of sleeping and all the transgressions adding up to well concealed anxiety, hair pulling and waves of depression.

I feel stuck. I feel less than content. I want to say fuck to everything, I want to scream, I want to push and yell and hit and scratch. I want to relapse…at least, I think I do.

All because of an editing software. Being angry that I don’t know how to use it, which, to reframe that, really isn’t my fault. It’s a new software, it’s more professional and I’ve not dealt with that before. I went from 0 to 60. From beginner to more high-tech. I’m just not used to it yet. It’s going to take time.

Yes, I’m incredibly frustrated that in the original video there is no problem with the audio/video synchronicity and only when I open the file in Pinnacle is there an audio lag, and it’s probably going to be okay.  If I work a little at it every day for the next week, I can probably learn more about it than if I push it away. I can also try to work with smaller files or create new files so that I can play around with those.

There will probably be mistakes. Issues. Troubles. And that doesn’t mean that when I take a break that I’m giving up. I’m learning. There’s a difference.

Failure to learn a new software does not make ME a failure. That’s an important distinction and yes, that is where my thoughts are going.

To quote from Halsey, in “Bad At Love”:

I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe I’m in too deep

This is the first real struggle I’ve had in the last two months. Which is not to omit the fact that I have struggled here and there. It’s more so that this is the first struggle that erupted and I can’t think straight and my skills appear to be inaccessible.

I have a choice to make. And I’m not really sure where that choice is going to lead me.

I’d prefer it to not be a hospital, as Avengers: Infinity War is coming out this Friday and I have tickets to go see it in the afternoon after program. There were things I wanted to accomplish this weekend and maybe I have to let that thought go.

Maybe just showing up is enough for right now. Maybe just writing this more original life update post (and it’s been a long time since I last have) matters. Maybe, just maybe, I matter.

For someone who felt she had no words to her struggles today, I feel that I have found them.


Thank you for reading and for everything. ❤ ❤ ❤

I promise I’ll be back again before May. 🙂

Stay safe.

PS Some of those other transgressions…I’ll probably mention later, if they’re still a problem. I didn’t go into them here and dinner is ready. Prioritizing, mainly. There will also be some creative writing posted on my blog soon. I’ll try to collect my brain matter from off the floor. I’ll try to be better. ❤ xxx