Troubling Waters In Paradise

mental health awareness month THUMB 4.19.18


Journaling THUMB

A work through using skills.

So, there was this ruckus that happened over the weekend. I have a friend on Youtube, Nikki, (I was going to link to her but Youtube is having problems) who this other fellow found me from (she did a question and answer video and shouted me out for having given her the idea).

Well, this guy, we’ll name Fred, found one of my older mental health related videos. It was the video I have on my channel, RecoverytoWellness (same as here, frankly, and listed under my About the Author page if you’re curious and Youtube decides to actually work correctly), titled “Suicide is the Internal Conflict of Contradictions: A Somber Look”. I had done another video about suicide warning signs and a more humorous tone to it and felt, at the time that I made the videos, having a more somber and serious tone to the subject matter was only appropriate. So I filmed on my laptop’s webcam this very said video back around January 14th 2018. I edited it up the next day and posted it online.

Let me be clear: I was only speaking about my own experiences in the past of struggling with chronic suicidality and what that goes into. (I did not, at the time, have a suicide plan, had intent, or had immediacy; my next depressive episode happened at the end (no pun intended) of that week rather than when I filmed the video (4 days beforehand)).

Why is this important? Well, reader, Fred found this video that I published four months ago and reacted to it with much gusto.

Another ruckus had come for me.

It’s ironic because I was just saying in group on Friday about how there was another unrelated fellow on Twitter posting really concerning suicidal tweets and I replied, as I do, with many words and never got any direct replies back and may have driven the person away from using Twitter in the way that they were (although this is inconclusive and pertains a lot to assumptions on my part) and people in program (I’ve now deemed it acceptable to call the program (rather than just saying ‘day program’) “Passages”) mentioned that the person may not have replied because they got overwhelmed with how much I was saying and couldn’t keep up. I didn’t totally get that until Saturday.

Because Fred made like 12 comments (okay, maybe about 6-8) on that ONE video sometimes replying to himself and other times making new comments.

Ohhhh, Fred, Freddie, Fred, Fred.

Unfortunately, the ruckus turned out because Fred believed I was a danger to myself and wherever Fred lives (I still don’t know, but I think he’s in the US for sure) he had contacted his local law enforcement and I was…understandably, completely and utterly terrified. Like I had THE HIGHEST OF ALL THE ANXIETY (CAPS lock required) thinking that I was going to receive another wellness check and then having all those intrusive memories of my other run-ins with law enforcement (luckily a short list, at least) playing over and over in my head.

I was terrified. I forgot to mention, I was also home alone.

Fred left most of his comments around 3pm on Saturday May 5th. (While my parents were still home) They went out at about 4:30p and so around 5p (I had gone for a walk with my Dad and Mokeys earlier around 1:30-2:30p where some of Fred’s messages came in, and I didn’t bring my phone with me (just my new slime–more on that later) so I both couldn’t and didn’t respond right away–plus there were so many, too!) I came up to my laptop to just double check my messages online before I would waltz into the shower…Well, lo and behold, I find all these messages from Fred.

In a couple of his comments, he linked me two videos.

I followed the links and found he had made the following two videos:

1. He titled his first video (since deleted, by the way) “SOS Send help” and more along those lines with a description of the video featuring lots of emphasis on certain words and saying that I needed help and I was going to kill myself “likely so, maybe so, probably so” and if I did kill myself he was going to follow-up with a video saying how he “told you so” (his audience of about 100 people) and so on and so forth. In the video itself he showed a clip of me talking in my own video and then went on to dramatically read the comments that he had left. I believe it was also in the first video that he mentioned he had recorded the 911 call he had made (and he was going to be uploading that, too).

2. The second video, a trailer to the first (also since deleted), featured a title resounding “Trailer to SOS Send Help”, held the same description and in the video showed a police officer’s vehicle in his front yard and him explaining on camera that he had called local authorities and they had sent an officer out to talk to him about what was going on and so on and so forth.

As you can see, I had a situation in my hands. Terrified and triggered, I made a lengthy comment in response to what was happening on one of the videos, I think the second one. I was basically thinking that the police were going to show up at any moment that day or maybe the next day and I wanted to stop that from happening, because I was and still able stable like a brick house.

So my reaction to it was a big old mix of emotions: I was absolutely terrified and also incredibly grateful. Like, for Fred to have gone through all of those notions to help me, was really heart-warming. I mean, don’t get me wrong, it was misplaced and about 4 months late, and it was really nice. Faith in humanity: restored. It was nice to be on the receiving end of extreme measures even if those measures were utterly terrifying.

So I decided, as I was logging this information in a Twitter thread, that I would call the non-emergency phone line of my town’s police station to alert them on the situation so that if they were (or had already been) contacted by Fred from wherever and whoever there had gotten involved they would know that I was okay and everything was fine. So I called them, and the woman I spoke to said there had been no call or anything that they had received (which I’m still feeling slightly insulted by, lmao), and she was going to alert an officer to just stop by my house to double check that everything really was okay. She did call me back a few minutes later to say that the officer would be by relatively soon as they were still on scene of another incident and would be coming after.

Along with doing this, I texted my Mom a blurb of what the situation was and how I was handling it. I took Mokeys outside and she went pee and when we came back in my parents came home.

Tensions were raised HIGH. I was still anxious, and by this point it had been 2 hours of full-blown anxiety. I was going to shower (as I had kept putting that off) just at the time the officer appeared outside. Legit the conversation was like one minute long, not even. Everything was cool and we all went on our merry way.

Except it wasn’t that merry. Because my Mom was PISSED. I believe my Mom holds resentment towards how I act within my own world and don’t consider those around me and how I tend to reach out to others (like mental health professionals) first before I reach out to my parents about what is going on in the bullshittery parts of my brain. Apparently, my Mom holds displeasure towards officers (I don’t really have a problem with them, I’ve only interacted with them due to mental health reasons and they generally just make me anxious) and doesn’t “want them in her home”.

I really wasn’t expecting or anticipating that kind of response, while my Dad tried to calm the situation and say how it was good I hadn’t been triggered (and yes, I wasn’t suicidal but I was really, really anxious, so it wasn’t NO triggers, just different triggers). My Mom was also angry because she felt that “this happens every time we go out”. (My Mom dabbles a lot with all or nothing thinking). And I was confused because this was the FIRST time this had ever happened, in this way at least. It was unique and unplanned. I didn’t know this was going to happen beforehand…but I’ll get into that later.

Any who, I did wind up showering, I wound up fiddling around online and Fred wound up taking down his videos as I also went about replying to his comments on my video (and I added a description disclaimer and a pinned comment to the video) and he had initially just copy/pasted my comments of stabilization to his videos but then he wound up deleting them anyways (which was fine).

Night time came next. I tried playing a meditation to fall asleep to but shit didn’t go that well for me. I wound up not being able to fall asleep for an hour so I was triggered again, still anxious, wanting to self-punish and my fingers just kept coming up to my right eyebrow and while I dissociated I thought about everything that had happened that day and all my worries and all those memories and pull, pull, pull from trichotillomania and I wound up now missing 3/4 – 1/2 of my right eyebrow. SIGH. I did wind up playing a scary story video and ironically fell asleep to that instead, about 12am or so.


Sunday brought shame and sadness because of the aftermath of my pulling. My Mom went out again that day for a couple of hours and while my Dad was outside in the yard I called a hotline and spoke to someone about what had happened the evening before because I was still ruminating and obsessing about it pretty heavily. It helped a bit. Then I vented in a new webcam video for the first 10 minutes then I spent the rest reviewing my coping strategies, fidget toys, squishies, slime, thinking putty, bouncy balls with glitter inside and the like which was actually super productive and helped to brighten my mood. The rest of Sunday went by uneventfully. When my Mom was home again we didn’t speak, only briefly when I brought her the pickle jar and we both had a pickle (separately, that is).

Monday, today, brought a sandwich made for lunch by my Mom and me heading off to Passages. I made a new IOS sketch in DBT, worked on something new in art therapy (a directive this week), colored my IOS during lunch, went over to Target because I forgot my nice new slime at home and my shampoo has been not helping my hair lately, (making it look shitty sooner) so I bought a new shampoo, a couple more slimes, some gel pens and a new bouncy ball (it’s pink glitter with a floating ice cream cone with sunglasses–pictures below!!). It was all $10 and I did it during lunch so the time crunch was ON to get back to Passages before group started. It was actually really fun and adrenaline producing; I felt like a superhero with 3 minutes to do the mission in. XD

Any who, then I talked to my treatment coordinator about the weekend and I did use skills and I’ve been filling out my DBT diary card since Friday (the last two nights I’ve also been brushing my teeth at night! I never established those good habits when I was younger, unfortunately) and had the last two groups, which went well, and then I came home and that’s where this whole blog post came about.

I wanted to talk to my Mom about what happened and clear the air like two rational adults and I gotta admit, I didn’t like the box we opened up. My Mom just feels like I don’t appreciate her or my Dad even though I’m so quick to show others how I appreciate them and she, in my interpretation, made a few jabs at my trich and other mental health conditions in a mocking way (and a bitchy, rude kind of way) like saying “Oh, are you going to go pull now?/Are you gonna have to call someone to deal with your feelings now?” I didn’t appreciate it much.

I didn’t really say much after that. I did suggest that we schedule a newer, sooner family therapy appointment but I don’t know if my Mom is going to go to it (I did schedule it for tomorrow around 2p). She wants me to be more of an adult (and I felt SO adult today for the shampoo buy and limited wandering attention and getting back to program in time) and I’m moderately okay for that, I just bristled at the way she explained her position on things and how she feels I’m selfish for only thinking about my self and not how situations regarding me and having to do with me impact those around me.

I took pictures of the stuff I got, and I am going out with Kaiden tonight for dinner at the 99, so, I need to feed my pets before I leave and pack my shit and head on out. SNEAK PEEK BELOW of my IOS from today.

And then the next few days will be crammed up with schoolwork for finals, so I’ll be back but not too, too soon. We shall see, maybe Wed or Th! I guess for now there is no conclusion to everything that erupted, my Mom’s not on speaking terms with me all that much and a lot of shit got opened up, and she feels that my relationship to those who follow me on social media is different to how my relationship is towards my parents and how she feels like I don’t care because I don’t express gratitude’s to them (I do it elsewhere, incidentally) and yeah. I’ll probably work through it tomorrow more. I’ll keep you as updated as I can. I just needed to work through it somewhere, somehow. Will probably seek out validation and support from Kaiden too. Maybe I’ll just have him read this post XD Would make it easier!

Pictures and then I’ll be out. Thank you for reading, listening and being there, peeps. I appreciate it. (Also, A+ for going back to my blogging roots of showing haul items and shit, and I have to update in a video too, gah! I’ll have more about artwork and L3’s later, too.)


It’s a unicorn! With a tree, a sun, some clouds and green grass with the date/signage.



The sketch version.

And the haul:

*The shampoo: Herbal Essences Naked volume white grapefruit & mosa mint (I can’t eat grapefruit because of my meds, does that include my scalp? I genuinely do not know.)


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