Feeling Small on YouTube

Journaling THUMB

A tweet I made a few minutes ago (my handle is RecoveryRaquel in case you didn’t know and haven’t checked my About the Author page in a while):

What do you do when the coping strategy so ingrained in your life is causing you the tumultuous emotions of feeling small, insignificant, hopeless and helpless?

I guess: get off the Internet.

Followed by a relatable gif of Robert Downey Jr. rubbing a hand down his face with a sigh.

…. I know it sounds almost petty (and maybe that’s just my minimizing the situation) but I really feel helpless when it comes to growing my YouTube channel

Youtube isn’t the site it once was. It used to be easier to find the small channels with a few hundred subscribers and nowadays there’s so much money involved and promotion and SHOUTING TITLES and click bait and people compromising their values left and right to make QUICK little videos that attract kid’s attention spans and get their message out there, however convoluted, in whichever way they possibly can, without caring much of who gets left behind in the dust.

I’m not competitive by nature.

I’m searching for an audience to interact with. And I’ll be fair, I have thirty subscribers. And when I see these ‘famous’ YouTuber’s toting around their (mostly well-earned) millions of subscribers and heavily ad friendly videos, it makes me envious.

Because I want that, too.

I basically want attention.

But I don’t want negative attention. Although, at the same time, I want to build up a thicker skin, a shield of armor around my tender inside and the only way I see of doing that so far is to fling myself and embrace the world in my ultimate quest–to attract the criticism that can be out there in the world and to build my exposure to it not to be detrimental to myself (although that might be a self-sabotaging idea by my darker side) but to be more objective and less emotionally involved in other people’s opinions of me.

Because I can be objective towards others encounters with trolling; but I’m not so sure how I’d be when it concerns ME.

So I have this issue:

Do I sacrifice my values in order to garner online attention?

Realistically? No.

Long term? No.

YouTube is my weakest platform generator, to put it simply. I have a few hundred of followers on various websites: my deviantART, my AO3, my fanfiction.net, my Twitter, my WordPress blog.

But YouTube? YouTube is the smallest. It was created within the timeline of my WordPress year–2016. And I know I haven’t been the best blogger as of late, which is probably why I’m not generating more traffic to my few and far in between posts (I can say I am working on some things behind the scenes, even though I know that’s a meager reason) but I did almost blog a couple of weekends ago which is probably better that I did NOT as I was ruminating back then, although, to be fair, I’m kind of ruminating on a different issue now.

Basically? I want more than what I already have. What I have, apparently, isn’t enough. I think I’m searching externally for something I need to find internally.

Why do I feel the need to surround myself with people who support me? Who think highly of me? Who I inspire?

I guess, because I want to matter, too. And I KNOW that I do, but there’s something inside me within this spectrum of internal validation that isn’t enough and I think I need it out in the world to be said too. Someone who isn’t just saying it because they do support me inherently. Someone who is a stranger to me and sees my worth; because I want to be seen. I want to help by merely sharing my story with life. I want to leave a legacy behind. I want to BE someone.

And I guess I don’t FEEL like someone right now. Right now, I feel small. I feel insignificant. I feel tiny. I feel helpless and hopeless. I just want my message to be spread, my voice to be heard.

I’m tired of being the responsible adult out in the online world. I made a video in the last two weeks for a particular person whom I named Athena to protect her true identity and it bothers me that because of my self-consciousness of giving her a pseudonym I don’t gain the attention that that would bring if I used her actual name–except it would also bring that criticism and hate, too.

There are just so many emotions packed into such a small number… I try to be patient, to hope that what I want to spread out into the world will one day be picked up, but I’m just not sure anymore. I’ve had doubts about keeping/making a YouTube channel for ages, I was probably one of the few people in the world to not have a YouTube channel and spent years being a silent viewer who could neither comment nor ‘like’ videos. It’s just too many hoops nowadays, it feels. Maybe, it wasn’t meant to be.

I suppose I have to lower more of my expectations and do some of this internal soul searching on my own.

I know that I do not want to nor plan to compromise on my values. It’s difficult but I have to remain strong. I will not release the true identity behind Athena, no matter how much envy it stirs up within my soul. I will find another way of trying to contact her privately. I don’t have any intention on making the SHORT FAST videos that are mainstream nowadays. I want to attract adults, young adults and teenagers to my channel with a more intellectual conversation of positivity and criticism where appropriate. I have a lot of things to say, so I’m not someone of few words, so my videos will often be long so if you happen to want to hear my voice for that long, there are about a hundred videos out on my channel for you to sift through.

I do plan on making more. My new editing software is problematic more of the time but also more complicated than Windows Movie Maker. 🙂 I guess for now I just keep trying to be involved and hope for the best. Maybe take more breaks away from it, too. I need to recharge–but to round out this post, it’s difficult because I am so reliant on YouTube daily to BE THERE that even when I’m just on my phone, I’m often searching for a video to play. So, it feels unavoidable and all the problems it’s causing me keep getting slapped into my face making it into a problematic coping strategy. I’m not sure how to go about fixing this. Or if there is even a way to fix it…

And that is where I’ll leave this piece. In the ambivalence. In the unknown. In the ‘to be continued’.

I did attend a mental health first aid training today so maybe that is also playing with my emotions a bit. I suppose it’s possible.

Any who, I have program tomorrow and I should be exceptionally tired after waking up at 6AM today. I have to fill out my planner, journal and diary card, too. So, until next time and let’s hope it’s not forever from now (I’ll be starting an online summer class soon; a family reunion on Saturday etc.)

In case anyone would like to see my Athena video:

 

This post is brought to you by this (new) song I found in my feed today:

 

Thank you muchly for reading. Xxxx

Stay safe ❤ ❤ ❤