How I Earned My Degree despite Adversity | Article F18

December 24, 2018December 22, 2018 / RecoverytoWellness / 5 Comments

Trigger Warning: Suicidal themes

At the time of my writing this article I am approximately a month and a half away from earning my Bachelor of Science degree in psychology after entering this university back in fall 2012. In my six years of having been an undergraduate student at the university I dreamed of attending in my senior year of high school, originally on a pre-med track majoring in Chemistry, a lot has changed. These last six years have been one interesting and one hell of a ride. I am eternally grateful that in May 2019 I will be able to take that commencement walk in full graduation gear for the number one thing I’ve worked my bum off to achieve in all these six years.

These years were not without struggle, not without questioning who I am and who I aim to one day represent. They’ve been years of change, of passion and stubborn determination.

Approximately 64% of young adults who are no longer in college are not attending due to some mental health reason or another (NAMI 2012).

I am lucky to not be one of those statistics. Instead, and I am sure I’m not alone in this, I am someone whose had the chance and the financial stability from my family to continue onwards in achieving my degree despite all the road blocks that arose in my way, threatening not only my chance of graduating but my very life.

So how did I get from point A to point M?

Well, in 2012 I began attending UMass Boston at the age of 19 with symptoms that soon began of OCD that I did not realize at the time.

Around fall 2013 I changed my major to psychology while still pursuing a pre-med track until I began to excel in my psych courses rather than barely muddling through my biology courses.

In spring 2015, largely and often actively suicidal I began various psychiatric hospitalizations, getting picked up by ambulance from the Counseling Center and feeling like I wasn’t meant to be in school let alone alive on the planet. I withdrew from a few of my courses, settling on the notion that I would have to take them again in a future I didn’t see myself ever reaching.

One of the most important concepts brought to my attention at this point in my treatment was that university would always be there if I had to take time away from my educational pursuits to achieve and maintain my own health and wellness. I remember it as the first foundation of Maslow’s hierarchy of needs (food, water, air, safety and shelter). I remember people telling me “the school isn’t going anywhere, but you have to be alive in order to attend it. You can’t go to school if you’re dead.” It was advice I needed to hear at the time and it needed to be explicit to me or otherwise I wouldn’t have had a revelation about it. Now, it’s something I often find my own self returning to when discussing similar matters to others.

In fall 2015 I took a medical leave of absence before staying 5 weeks at the OCD-Institute. My treatment there paved the way for my recovery and I returned to classes in spring 2016. During this time I began to write for the newspaper, began involvement with NAMI and took a summer statistics course in which I excelled.

Overall, it was a cycle of withdrawals, part-timing, pass/failing, medical leaves and make-up courses over four years that led up to my eventual and long awaited graduation. It took forever to get here for sure but I’ve never been as prepared and ready to leave as I am feeling now. I’m ready to move forwards in my life and I largely stuck by my values during this entire journey.

UMB began as a place of brightness, possibility and opportunities. It began as a place of much creativity and endless artistic inspiration for me.

When ill, it became shrouded in a cloak of possible harm and death scenarios. I would often cry in corridors, get stuck in stairwells, self-harm in the bathrooms, and plan ways to end my life within its walls.

But through it all I refused to let my brain win. Time and time again I chose recovery, I chose life, I chose happiness and I chose stability.

I have chosen to walk these halls with pride in my bones because I have reigned here and my vision of this school has arisen like a phoenix from the flames. It may not be exactly the same way as how I saw it six years ago, but it’s good enough for me.

I have faced adversity and I’ve had the grit within me to prevail. If that doesn’t make me a superhero, nothing will.

Stay safe.

Written: 11.8 & 11.12.2018

12/22 A/N:

Hey guys! I’m so excited to be bringing you guys this article!! If you follow me on Twitter or browsed through my feed from the day I’m writing this author’s note, you’ll be familiar with some of the ending of this article as I posted it there too since I loved it so much. I actually got a little bit of feedback from someone who worked in the Student Activities department saying that they liked this article a lot, so that’s so neat!!

Any who, I’ve probably got to find something else to do right about now, but I hope you enjoyed this article and want to stick around to see what other ones I have left to upload. 🙂 Happy holidays!! ❤ ❤ ❤

Also, PS, here is the picture that I shared of a drawing I made a few years ago that’s still actually unfinished but coincides with this written piece:

IMG_00000956 Upd

Treatment 101: Resources Part II | Article F18

December 23, 2018December 22, 2018 / RecoverytoWellness / Leave a comment

In between the time of my article on “Resources”, its publication and before the article I wrote called “Giving Myself Credit” I actually had the opportunity to try out some of the phone numbers I had listed in my article. The results were mixed; but having gone through that experience and the aftermath of it, I have more resources to add to the list and honestly you can never have too many resources.

A nation-wide National Alliance on Mental Illness phone number that you can call with questions regarding treatment options, psychoeducation and local resources can be reached Monday-Friday 10a-6p at 1800 950 NAMI (6264).

Additionally to the crisis texting service 741-741 you can also try the words “GO”, “MHA” and “NAMI” to begin a session. The code word variation for this crisis service is mainly for documenting trafficking purposes (i.e. what brought you to this resource).

Another 24/7 call center comes out of the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA) which can be reached at 1-800-662-HELP (4357). When calling this number you can find out more local resources specific to your location, the call is confidential but it is not a counseling service.

For emergency service programs that are covered by MassHealth, Medicare and uninsured plans there are some South Shore MA crisis lines you can call. The one I found online that is a state-wide ESP open 24/7 can be reached at: 877-382-1609, and you enter the zip code you are in at which your crisis is taking place. Namimass.org can provide a further more expandable list of the different ESP’s across the state, as well. The Taunton-Attleboro crisis team can be reached at: 508-285-9400. The Brockton crisis team can be reached at: 508-897-2100.

If the person who is suicidal is undergoing an immediate crisis by which they are determined to be an imminent danger to themselves, it’s best to call 911 or take them to the nearest emergency room. You can, if you call 911, specify that it’s a psychiatric emergency so as to potentially lessen the intensity of the situation unfolding from already chaotic to traumatizing.

In Boston, the Samaritans state-wide number can be reached 24/7 at: (877) 870-HOPE (4673). They also offer a text-based service at the same number.

The Samaritans on the Cape Cod and Islands can be reached at: 800-893-9900. Further county specific and nation-wide phone number listings can also be found on suicidehotlines.com.

Another resource rich website that I first discovered back in 2015 is called: metanoia.org. It lists out in easy to understand text what a suicidal crisis is like for those who struggle first-hand and for those whose family members, friends or other loved ones experience their loved one’s crisis, what suicidal crises are versus not and continues to offer hope and guidance for those who have momentarily lost their way. They also include some of the national numbers that I have listed here and in the first part of the article series and offer additional book references and websites to learn more about specific mental health conditions and so on.

Additionally, specific to not only UMass Boston but also to other college campuses there are other avenues of help that can be referred to. It might be daunting and unpredictable to approach a stranger when you’re in crisis, but it is an option (even if it might be further down the list). You can tell them that you’re not feeling well and that you need to get to X location, and ask them if they can help you to get there (whether that’s the Counseling Center, calling someone else, contacting Public Safety, going to the ER, etc.) You can also communicate to an MBTA officer how you are feeling and ask for someone with crisis intervention training for further aid.

Your professor can also be someone you approach to get you to the Counseling Center. You can also get in touch with further resources and communication between yourself and your professors via the Dean of Students. Above all, it’s important to remember that there are many alternatives and avenues of help and hope that you can turn to when you’re lost in the darkness.

Suicide, as it were, is a permanent action to a temporary crisis. You can live beyond this point of hell into the brightness of the sun and the blossoming of the flowers nearby. You can be okay again. You can be you again.

The hardest decision you will make will be to choose to live; the second will be to tell someone how you’re *really* feeling.

Stay safe.

Article written: October 23 & 24.2018

12/22/2018 A/N:

Hey guys! Another post from me! I’ll be squirming in the last few articles into 2018 to help make everything easier for myself when it comes to writing the final two (they won’t be published in Fall 2018 but delayed to Spring 2019, although I will NOT be there on campus for them, since I’ve just GRADUATED!) I swear, I’ll try and settle in some time with a PROPER blog post soon. I really do want to get back to my roots so you’re all in my thoughts and I can’t WAIT to interact with you all again soon. ❤

Also, this article is probably coming in around a tough holiday season for some, so please, please, please REACH OUT to someone online and offline and take care of yourselves!! You can always reach me if you’d like either through my contact page here on WordPress, a DM on Twitter, a public message on Twitter, etc. I’m not a mental health professional but I can be a friend to listen to you or someone you chat with for some peer support. Check out the #SickNotWeak on Twitter too, there’s a lovely amount of people who can help support you there or also try Dr1ven Industries. You’re worth SO MUCH. Please live.

❤ ❤ ❤

An Interview on the Impact of Mental Health Stigma | Article F18

December 22, 2018December 22, 2018 / RecoverytoWellness / 1 Comment

This interview was conducted with a friend of mine who I’ve named “Naomi” to protect their real identity back in fall 2016. I asked for some guidance on how to write this article and the questions that would be posed from a colleague involved with NAMI. Thus the interview has its light spots while also its serious spots. I will also include a little of my own experiences as that was the initial plan when I took my notes two years ago. My hope is that the effects of mental health stigma can be highlighted here while also humanizing the experience of mental health conditions (MHC’s) and recovery.

Question 1: In your own words, what is stigma?

Naomi: Stigma is when people assume things about you just because you have a condition. Stigma is generalizable and often stereotypical.

Raquel: I feel that stigma is an unjust assumption regarding a person’s experiences and what they are capable or incapable of. It’s often used in a way that lumps all of us who experience mental health conditions into, at its worst, “dangerous” and “criminal” stereotypes when the majority of us are anything but. We are often people who have been deeply hurt by life and are more likely to hurt ourselves before hurting others. Some people have dark intentions but just because someone is living with psychosis or depression doesn’t mean they’re out to get everybody else.

Q2: How does stigma impact the general public?

N: It leads to misconceptions and a lack of empathy. It instills fear in others, judgments and misunderstanding.

R: I agree with Naomi, stigma ignites fear of not understanding the unknown and some people will never have the willingness to understand mental health conditions and those aren’t the people I try to concern myself with. Instead I look for those who are open-minded and who have a willingness to learn, people like myself, who will research something to get a better understanding of it and share kindness and hope rather than darkness and hate.

Q3: Who are you?

N: I’m a warrior and a human being. I’m empathetic and sensitive. I love nature. I love cats. I enjoy parks with trees.

Q4: How does stigma impact those suffering from MHC’s?

N: The person may feel as though they cannot open up or are uncomfortable about opening up in the first place. I dealt with self-harm in middle school and heard lots of jokes about it and that unkindness made me feel like I had to be silent about my struggles.

R: Again, I agree with Naomi–I think at its worst, stigma causes more people to be afraid of being vulnerable and afraid they’ll be kicked while they’re already down by people who have no interest in understanding the complexities of life and the power and strength that lies in saying, “I struggle too.” I personally align and surround myself with people who are less afraid to put themselves out there to be the beacons of light and hope to others who are also struggling. I hope that by doing my part, I can help to change someone else’s life for the better.

Q5: What’s your favorite ice cream flavor?

N: I’m vegan, so Ben & Jerry’s peanut butter ice cream!

R: I love Ben & Jerry’s “Boom Chocolatta.” It’s amazing!

Q6: How important is person first language for you?

N: Person first language is really important. People with mental health conditions can feel defined by their issues, and mental health conditions don’t completely define a person.

R: A person with MHC’s are an entire mind, body and spirit separate from them. MHC’s are a small part of someone, not the entire picture.

Q7: Favorite thing to purchase?

N: Books and music.

R: Books, stationery, journals, gel pens.

Q8: What are some of the mental health conditions that you live with?

N: Post-traumatic stress disorder.

R: OCD, depression, trichotillomania (hair-pulling) and borderline personality disorder.

Q9: Who is impacted by mental health conditions?

N: Anyone–any individual, friend, family, loved one, stranger, neighbor. Someone may not even know they have a problem or an underlying condition going on. Someone may not even realize that they do know someone who is struggling or has struggled in the past.

R: Most psychiatric disorders don’t necessarily have a specific “face” to them–they can be seen in some behaviors, yes, but a person doesn’t have to “look” mentally unwell to be mentally unwell. Depression or OCD aren’t a person, they’re something a person is afflicted with.

Q10: Where are you in your recovery journey?

N: I’m in the treatment stage and haven’t yet found a way to deal with stigma. I feel it’s harder to open up and enlighten people when I feel triggered. I’m just not comfortable yet.

Q11: What’s your favorite color?

N: Evergreen.

R: Honestly? Rainbows. Seven colors though: red, orange, yellow, green, blue, purple, pink. Six is okay, but anything less annoys me.

Article notes written: October 2016 & piece rearranged/written in full: Nov. 12.2018

PD A/N from 12/22/2018:

Heyyyy everyone!!! Welcome back to another old(er) article!! I think we’re heading into the last 10 articles or so from the semester so that’s neat! I was actually rereading over this one so that I could bold the questions for easier reading and it dawned on me (as my tweet showed) how amazing it is that I have the talent of writing and the openness to share my mental health experiences so widely. I really do hope that they can make a difference in someone’s life!! I still technically have two final pieces to write but we’ll get to that eventually.

Any who, how are you guys? How are you feeling regarding the holiday season? I hope to have a regular, more down to earth blog post soon. 🙂 Probably around the holidays as I know that can be a tough time for some people and I’d like to help out with just putting up some kind of content during that time (videos & blog posts).

I can’t wait to get back into reading over your guys’ work!!

Stay safe! ❤ ❤ ❤

PS My Mom and I did holiday shopping today and that went super well. I’m hoping to do more tonight and tomorrow (of productive things).

Say the Word Suicide: Joking About Suicide | Article F18

December 20, 2018December 20, 2018 / RecoverytoWellness / Leave a comment

I feel that this article may be a bit controversial but it stems from a place of awareness, confession and is also representative of the short mini-series I created on my blog years ago (“Mental health and suicide are not jokes”) about this very important, very critical topic.

If you’ve been on the Internet for any length of time you may have come across people making inappropriate jokes about suicide–usually with specific methods mentioned that I won’t repeat here.

I think joking about suicide in part comes from a place of joking about hard, dark and difficult topics as is normally done. Dark humor is a way of expressing pain while also finding the absurdity of life and all its wackiness just…funny. What one person considers a joke may not be considered funny to someone else. Some people use joking as a nervous tic to spread distance between themselves and the issue at hand, some use it as a way of denying their reality, some people genuinely think it’s funny, some people are expressing genuine pain and a plea for help, and some people just get offended.

Suicide and, in turn, mental health in general is really no different in the face of this.

I, for one, when I was actively suicidal would actually joke about it quite often. I’ve actually engaged in this behavior since I first started developing depression. In fact, when I was “only” living with OCD, I didn’t bring it up very much at all in conversation. It was only when I developed secondary depression that I no longer cared about the societal norms imposed upon me and suicide in general became equivalent to talking about the weather–I was so consumed with suicidal thoughts (genuine and obsessive/intrusive) that even when I read articles on suicide warning signs I laughed off the need to “go to nearest ER.”

I also joked, laughed and smiled about the topic of my own suicide in some parts because talking about, focusing in on and ruminating about suicide feeds into the OCD that I live with–in fact, I *still* struggle with what is known by this definition as ‘inappropriate affect’ (think: someone laughing at a funeral). I remember many times where I’d be on a bed in the emergency room and laughing about my detailed suicide plans while I garnered strange looks from the crisis evaluator.

My Mom nicknamed this particular laugh that I do in these states as a “hyena laugh”. I’ve been told it’s disturbing and that my emotional expression (or lack thereof) is disorienting.

Some treatment providers have thought of it as a mask, but I don’t necessarily agree with that. Once, I told my psychiatrist about this behavior and Phil actually asked me if I laugh about my own suicide because it’s funny or because it’s a confession.

I think it’s both. I think I find it funny and I laugh because I find that it’s *true* and I also do it because I’m trying to convey that I really, really need help.

In 2015 when this behavior began, I’d say 95% of the time people would either awkwardly laugh along with me (imagine someone asking how I’m doing and I say, “I’d be better if I was dead” or someone commenting on one of my coping skills and I say “well, it’s better than killing myself”) not knowing *what* to say and wouldn’t ask me if I was genuinely suicidal or not.

I do remember a few handful of times that people paused and shot me a concerning gaze and asked if I was okay and I internally panicked at being caught but always retracted my statement and downplayed its meaning.

For nearly the entire duration of my recovery I have not ever worn a mask, if I was upset I would be upfront about it. The exception arose at the start of 2018 where I was actively writing suicide notes in my journal, writing articles that were of a darker nature and changing my Twitter handle to cryptic messages while acting calm outwardly in a way that was starkly different from a previously intense, dark depression.

I did notice a pattern this year that I’m keenly aware of: there is a clear positive correlation to that fact that if I am having more suicidal thoughts, my amount of suicide jokes exponentially increases.

My point in this article overall is to admit to an inappropriate and problematic behavior I have often engaged in during my time in and out of recovery and to offer insight into the inner workings of what might be happening to someone if you hear them joke off-handedly about suicide; because maybe it’s not a joke, maybe it reveals genuine intent. And if someone is being that open about their suicidal ideation, we have to be even more alert for those who are silently suffering with just as much suicidal ideation.

Article written: November 7.2018

Present Day (PD) Author’s Note (A/N): 12/20/2018

Heyyyy everyone! A blast from the past here with the topic of this article (as I so linked earlier in the post) and I actually loosely read over this one for a change which is different. But uh, please, no pitch forks and fire and anger, all right? Just a speck of insight and admitting to past issues or current issues where it’s relevant. But yeah.

I’m officially done with school and that’s a really, really weird concept. I’ll try to blog about it more in the future, it’s time for dinner now. Hope you’re all well.

Stay safe! ❤ ❤ ❤

Say the Word Suicide: The Telling | Article F18

December 14, 2018December 12, 2018 / RecoverytoWellness / Leave a comment

Apparently, in titling this article I found out the difference between “tattle tailing” and “telling.” Tattling, as it were, is reserved for those who aim to have someone else get in trouble by revealing other’s secrets. Telling is for reporting to another individual that someone is struggling or otherwise needs help (definitions as listed by Safe 2 Tell Organization of Colorado).

In this way, it’s only fitting for this series to have a look at the most fundamental rule of dealing with a person struggling with suicidal ideation: to tell and to tell loudly.

Assuming that you are close to an individual that has told you whether directly or indirectly that they are having suicidal thoughts, it’s important that you: ask for additional information, assess if they are a current danger to themselves, get them extra support if they are and take care of yourself after the fact, too.

It’s not easy to ask someone: “are you having thoughts of killing yourself” but it can be entirely life-saving. I know that suicide is a very loud word most often not spoken about, but I swear that unless you’re talking about specific suicide methods, you won’t be planting the idea into their head when you ask them outright if they’re thinking of killing themselves.

In fact, I’ve always found it a breath of fresh air when someone has asked me directly. Yes, it can be uncomfortable. Yes, I might not reveal all of the pertinent information. And yes, it could be the one thing that prevents me from ending my life–because it means someone has noticed me, someone has noticed the pain I’m in and that I don’t feel like I can go on living with that pain as it is right now.

There’s something about my experiences with suicidal crises that are the picture definition of ambivalence: I want someone to hear me, see me, acknowledge my existence, my pain and I also want them to leave me alone and not try to help me. But at the end of the day, I do want help. Because maybe I don’t have to die, maybe what’s being said in my head isn’t true at all and maybe there’s another avenue of help and hope that was just within my reach if I hadn’t followed through on suicidal plans.

I mentioned in my article “Treatment 101: Resources Part 2” that the hardest decision I had to make in my life was to choose to live and the second hardest was to tell someone. In my years of getting treatment, I was almost always the relatively responsible one in the relationship that would tell someone, even if it meant creating a middle man situation, that I was suicidal, had a plan, had intent and was still uncertain.

I think back then I told because I was actively in treatment, much like I am now. I told because that little sparkle of hope was still inside me and I knew from witnessing a NAMI IOOV presentation that that hope had a reason for existing.

When I was at the crossroads between choosing to live and choosing to die, I thought about what ending I wanted to be told about my life. Would I want to be the one telling the story about what I did to overcome the darkness or did I want to just give up and let the story end prematurely? This is a concept I still use in my current day-to-day treatment.

I know now that from being stable for so long that I’m really not the sum value of my experiences with suicidality and mental health conditions. Back then, I didn’t have this yet, but I believed it could still be there for me if I just kept on breathing another breath.

I’ve also mentioned before how just holding on for the moment can be the most important thing, too. When weeks and months are too long, too complex for me to stay alive for, I work with the minutes and the seconds instead.

Maybe because the root of my suicidality was OCD I never truly wanted to die. In some ways, I believe this to be true but I also want to add caution to this idea as well—over time a person who is suicidal will try more dangerous and more severe attempts to end their life. Unfortunately, with time a person can learn how to be more effective in ending their life.

So, yeah, maybe John is just saying people would be better off without him or that Stacey saying goodbye is just abnormal behavior for her, but do you really want to take that chance? If a suicidal individual tells you to keep their intentions a secret—don’t. They may hate you for it, but at least they’ll be alive to hate you. The same cannot be true if they follow through.

Stay safe.

Article written: 10.23, 10.25, 11.7.2018

PD A/N: Boy, I am EXHAUSTED. It’s currently Wednesday when I’m either publishing this or sending into a schedule post for Th. Regardless if you follow me on Twitter you’ll know that Wed I did a lot of coursework so I’m feeling super exhausted about that now and am ready to just end the evening on a high note and go to blissful sleep.

Additionally if you follow me on Twitter you’ll also know that I wrote some fanfic (a new story) the other day and I actually had time and inspiration to write more for it today which is really awesome. Although I want to edit a video I also really want to get offline so who knows what’ll happen next.

For now, that’s all I’ve got. I’m utterly exhausted lol. We’ll chat more later.

<3<3<3

Treatment 101: Resources Part II | Article F18

December 13, 2018December 12, 2018 / RecoverytoWellness / Leave a comment

In Boston, the Samaritans state-wide number can be reached 24/7 at: (877) 870-HOPE (4673). They also offer a text-based service at the same number.

The Samaritans on the Cape Cod and Islands can be reached at: 800-893-9900. Further county specific and nation-wide phone number listings can also be found on suicidehotlines.com.

The hardest decision you will make will be to choose to live; the second will be to tell someone how you’re *really* feeling.

Stay safe.

Written: 10.23 & 10.24.2018

12/12 A/N: Okay, you won’t know it but I actually scheduled my Friday post before this one until I realized I referenced this one before that one. What? I’m so tired right now lol. I’m off to sleep soon but I hope that you enjoy this piece. Tomorrow (or today, as it were, being Th and all) I will be reading and notetaking for my final paper that I so, so, sooooo hope I can get completely finished by Sun and then will have less to worry about, yay. Almost there, 2 more days. I’m bringing my camera tomorrow and have to go through space issues soon. Okay, that’s all.

Thanks for reading!

❤ ❤ ❤

Boundaries & Social Media | Article F18

December 12, 2018December 11, 2018 / RecoverytoWellness / Leave a comment

“When the morning comes and when we see what we’ve become, in the cold light of day, we’re a flame in the wind, not the fire that we’d begun. With all that has happened, I think that we both know the way that this story ends. Then only for a minute, I want to change my mind, ’cause this just don’t feel right to me. I want to see you smile but know that means I’ll have to leave. Lately, I’ve been thinking: I want you to be happier” – Lyrics from “Happier” by Marshmello ft. Bastille.

Boundaries, as defined by Google, are lines that mark the limits of an area. Boundaries are healthy, helpful necessities, if not requirements, in our daily interactions with one another–stranger, friend, colleague, family and the like. When we cross a boundary, whether it’s our own or someone else’s, it often brings up a very uncomfortable feeling. You’ll know when you’ve crossed a boundary when everything hits the fan and implodes.

One boundary that I know I tend to struggle with is making myself available to help a friend with their life’s issues. I have an often knee jerk reaction to want to overstep my own boundaries that keep me safe and healthy by providing my public email address or giving out my phone number to someone who may be struggling, either online or off. This could be a boundary violation if this person tells me something that I may not be equipped to handle safely on my own (think: suicidal intention). I may inadvertently be opening myself up to a whole world of trouble if I can’t properly compartmentalize my own issues versus someone else’s which would then put a spotlight on my own urges which could have been avoided with a simple but difficult ‘no’ or knowing my own limits and what I can and cannot do (I’m not a mental health professional after all).

One way I can approach this particular example is if I place a limit to begin with that I’m not a professional, I can only offer support as a peer and that I can’t be reached from the hours of 9p-8a.

The intention of boundaries is to keep each party safe. Burnout, job loss and spite can certainly form if boundaries are crossed repeatedly over time or even just an unlucky once.

Social media in particular produces an even more difficult prospect of handling boundaries and doing what’s right versus what *feels* right at the time. If you wouldn’t friend your professor on Facebook, you probably shouldn’t friend your therapist either.

The latter is especially hard to handle because issues of confidentiality arises and social media is a giant square of gray where it’s uncertain as to whether things should be a certain way versus not. Even if it’s a person you once worked with in the past, it’s tricky to tell what is appropriate versus what is inappropriate. Additionally, dual relationships are frowned upon. A dual relationship is if you knew your therapist from your weekly sessions but were also a student of theirs in your core class. It’s likened to having two contradicting roles with one person where neither or both of you will not be able to separate one role from the other and things just get really, really messy.

Essentially, don’t take it personally if your therapist doesn’t friend you back or respond to your messages online because the legalities and ethics of the situation haven’t been clearly mapped out yet–as far as I know!

When I was friends with Luna we didn’t really establish any clear boundaries, not that I can recall at least. This led to a lot of boundary crossing on my part, a lot of feelings and eventually an unhealthy relationship that I’ve been able to leave behind (even with urges to re-engage), avoid completely and unfollow from all social medias whether they were indirectly or directly hosted by Luna.

But if I’m being honest with myself, I have to account for the fact that on and off for the last four years I’ve Googled, found social media accounts and knew more things than I should have about Steve. He was technically my therapist four years ago and although he’s across the country now (something I shouldn’t know) I recently found his Twitter and I really, *really* wanted to message him even while being highly aware that it would be inappropriate, unethical and very uncomfortable for both parties mutually. Instead, I’ve run a few pros and cons lists in my head, wrote this article and in all actuality it would be really weird if I did contact him because so much has changed–I’m not the same person now as I was then and there’s no real need for me to reopen old wounds. I also don’t feel comfortable breaking his confidentiality for the sake of too many emotions on my part.

Written: November 6 & 7.2018

12/11 A/N: Heyyyy guys! I’m scheduling this post for tomorrow (Wed) to space them out a little more. This is part 2 of the 3 part saga related to my ending relationship with Luna.

I’m excited for this weekend as I just have my final paper/project to do and to study for my last Biol exam on the 20th and then I’m completely finished with classes!! My friend, ~~whom I have yet to find a proper pseudonym for~~ Vanessa, is in the hospital and I might be visiting her either this Sunday or Tuesday, since classes end on the 13th and the visiting hours at the hospital they’re at is 4p-7p. It’s about an hour and a half away and it would be quite the trek, but I think I might do it. I’ve got to get over my driving anxieties and there’s only one way to do that… I’m hoping I can arrange to go up during the day time instead though, but we’ll see (I’m thinking 2p.)

Any who, I hope that you enjoyed this post! I’ll be trying to write up fanfic stories and upload videos and edit videos, and I also am hanging out with my friend David again for us to film building gingerbread houses around noon on this Saturday. So I’m super excited about that.

But, I’ve said enough! I have to upload a fanfic and shower and do a few other things…and I’m probably gonna stop by Michael’s tomorrow for a cute journal I’m hoping to give to Vanessa. :3

So, that’s it! Oh, and the song:

Thanks for reading!!! ❤ ❤ ❤

Treatment 101: Day Programs | Article F18

December 11, 2018December 11, 2018 / RecoverytoWellness / Leave a comment

I’ve been to two main day treatment programs over the duration of my four years in recovery. I wouldn’t call the OCD-Institute a day program as I would stay there overnight even if it wasn’t a locked unit (which having been to about three locked units or psychiatric hospitalizations before then was a very strange concept to me) which is why I’ll be making a separate article in this series all about that (and mentioning the use of support groups).

Day treatment programs are psychiatric treatment programs you go to during the day but come back to your place of residence at night. So, they aren’t hospitals but places filled with therapists instead–which is pretty amazing if you think about it.

The first day program I went to was in a more well-funded hospital chain that I landed in around June 2015. This hospital stay coincided with an anti-psychotic that they started me on for the OCD that gave me a tight jaw and that later, when I attended their day program for a couple of weeks, I actually at the end of it attempted suicide again for the second time with the medication they gave me to help with the tight jaw. On an aside, most of my suicide attempts were done outside of the hospital and only one of them did I get hospitalized for (it was a moderate attempt).

Besides that, this particular hospital I’ve been able to go to a few other times over the years since. I remember during my first stay there, there was a nurse they sent in to talk to me as he also lived with severe OCD for a time and they thought I could take some inspiration (which I did) from that and his recovery.

This particular hospital’s day program lasted only for a couple of weeks and shorter amounts when repeating it again (as in, I had 2 weeks in 2015, but 1 week in 2017 etc.). They were set up with two different tracks (A and B) and had some psychoeducation groups, therapy groups and the like from about 9a to 2p. To be honest, although I do still have notes about this, I haven’t reviewed them since I wrote them and I don’t completely remember the specifics for this particular day program. One of the therapists there actually helped me to break away from saying “my OCD” to “the OCD”, if you remember my old article on “OCD and Identity.” Additionally, this is the same day program that first told me to put the OCD and all its flattering thoughts “on a shelf.” I literally looked at the woman who told me this like she had three heads. They also brought up the idea that maybe my writings and artwork about OCD were compulsions (as even these articles are repeatedly questioned by many of my treatment providers).

However, Passages, my current day program I can speak about more at length! This one is rarer these days as long-term day programs are more difficult to find (although they’re incredibly helpful and amazing if you can find them!). As clients we all have a state insurance that pays for us to be there. Sometimes finding the right amount of treatment that one can actually afford can be difficult, although I’ve been pretty lucky in this regard, myself.

Since attending Passages, I’ve been able to make myself comfortable and stable over these last nine months. Passages holds a partial program which is from 10a-3p, and a day program from 9a-3p–the latter is the one I’m in, for perspective I did one week in partial five days a week and then transitioned to the day program three days a week.

They offer a *lot* of DBT at the day program, CBT, art groups, psychoeducation, addiction education, group therapy, self-esteem, communications and some game related groups. The lunch period counts as a group called social support. Passages is essentially a house full of therapists and we’re all there for treatment for one thing or another, at different places in our recoveries.

They offer a DBT-Intensive program that is a 6-8 month commitment (what I’m in). If you’ve read my other articles this information will look familiar and overall, Passages is an excellent opportunity for a lot of psychological work to come through and be a place of positivity and light. I’ve definitely gotten comfortable with being there and being my authentic self and even having my articles be read over by my therapist at Passages.

It is a lot of work, though, and it’s so, so worth it. Getting treatment has given me my life back and made life worth living again. Recovery doesn’t end and it, like acceptance, is an ongoing, active process; they are continual choices to be better, to be healthy and to thrive. We do all have bad days and it’s how we respond that matters most.

Written: October 31.2018

PD A/N, 12/11: Heyyy everyone! Back with another old upload! We’re moving quickly into the last round-ish of articles. I wound up writing MHfML yesterday and plan to write another article today while trying to balance my time to give out goodie bags and positive messages and such (although I feel less confident about doing that, we’ll see what happens, maybe Th I can do more etc.) It’s weird that I won’t be in school much longer where I was able to give away so many things. I wonder how I’ll modify this activity for the future…. Any who, hope you all are well and that you enjoyed this article! More to come soon, of course. ❤ ❤ ❤

Any questions or concerns, leave them down below! 🙂

Treatment 101: Therapy | Article F18

December 10, 2018December 10, 2018 / RecoverytoWellness / 5 Comments

Note: I will be exploring more specific avenues of therapy in dedicated pieces within this series, but I thought I would add some general thoughts on the idea of therapy as a whole. In fact, those avenues I will explore in the future include: DBT, ERP, mindfulness, cognitive distortions and ECT.

Looking back at my teenage years, something I make it a point not to do (I like who I am now much more than my younger self and tend to think of myself as who I became in my late adolescence rather than my earlier childhood) I probably could have benefitted from therapy. At the time I felt uncomfortable in my body having to deal with scoliosis that would later require surgery. I felt a lot of guilt about it; would spend hours ruminating on it and was very ashamed of it and closed off–pretending everything was fine when it wasn’t. Thinking of this now, it’s probably the reason why I’ve embraced my mental health journey and choose to be open about it instead.

The first time I started therapy was actually once every two weeks with a therapist at the Counseling Center who specialized in eating disorders that I received help from for my intense procrastination between summer 2013 and early winter 2014. I really liked the person I was working with and although the sessions didn’t come with results right away, over the winter break I did completely clean, reorganize my room and become more organized overall. From my sessions with this therapist I may have been introduced into SMART goals, breaking the tasks I was procrastinating on into smaller, doable chunks and I still have all the notes and scrawled penmanship stowed away from these sessions. My therapist wound up leaving and for a while whenever I saw a woman with brown curly hair I would think of her.

I will add, this coincided around the time I began the second year of OCD symptoms but I was too afraid of what they could mean that I never brought it up in my sessions with her.

The second time I entered therapy was when I came back to the Counseling Center in fall 2014. This is when I started to see a graduate student once a week for what I fooled myself into thinking was procrastination issues again but what turned out to be a psychiatric diagnosis. We had just covered OCD in my abnormal psych class but I hadn’t made the connection between those symptoms and myself until Steve mentioned it to me and I later researched it, finding an online article that I 100% related to. There were maybe two or three emergency sessions I made with the Counseling Center during this semester when I was duped by the OCD thinking I was actively suicidal when it couldn’t have been further from the truth.

Of course, depression entered the party over the winter break which resulted in my first attempt to end my life. One time I had walked into my session with Steve carrying my chosen suicide method and when I realized that they were going to send me to the hospital, I tried backpedaling so hard but it didn’t work and I was picked up by ambulance. I remember Steve actually doodled with me while the police officers were on their way and the EMT’s came.

From here, I switched over to seeing my OCD specialized therapist in Brookline for two sessions a week for a year. I didn’t like her right away (mainly because she wasn’t Steve) but I did get something out of my sessions with her for a while. When I found out the OCD-Institute involved a three month waiting list I wound up in the hospital again. Towards the end of my year and a half with this therapist I found I was stalling in my recovery so after being inspired from therapy talk in a psychological trauma class in fall 2016 I began the quest of finding another therapist.

In maybe February 2017 I began to see my more current therapist April. I saw April for a year once a week. April was actually the one to recommend Passages to me although my insurance at the time didn’t cover it. 2017 was a tough year for me, and in February 2018 I began my work with Passages.

In May 2018 I transitioned over to my therapist who works at Passages, for the duration of the time I’ll be at their DBT-Intensive program.

Therapy, like medications, will likely be things I have to use throughout the rest of my life, and I’ve come to accept that. Not being nearly as symptomatic has led me to happier days and vast amounts of stability. So, with the right help, it is genuinely possible.

PD A/N: This piece was written October 22 & 31.2018

So, I only JUST found out that instead of having the last week of classes our final paper production, it was LAST week. Which means I end on a cliffhanger so for my own sanity I’m going to write up my true FINAL 3 pieces this week and send them along to be published NEXT semester. So they’ll be from F18 but technically published S19. Good enough for me, that’s what I say!! I’m a little swung around a loop because of this news although I was aware that it’d be strange if they’d publish this week since classes end the 13th, but I hadn’t thought further than that about it. Oh well, we all make mistakes.

My last three articles will be: Treatment 101: Reframing Cognitive Distortions, My Hopes for My Legacy and A Commentary on My Article Evolution. And I’ll probably mention at the start of them when I wrote them in my journey and online here it’ll be easier to keep them all together, as they should be, rather than with the paper deadlines spreading them out further. Okay, sounds like a good plan! I’ll continue to upload my pieces as it were on here. (Although I’m tempted to take the break to not write these articles right away… gwah. Who knows, MAYBE I will take a break for a while. Not sure yet. Gah, indecisiveness!)

About this piece: I think it tells itself, but if you have any questions I’m actually working up on answering more of my messages so I’ll be around! When I’m not studying, lol. Hope you’re all well!! ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤

Treatment 101: Medications | Article F18

December 2, 2018December 2, 2018 / RecoverytoWellness / Leave a comment

Medications: dosages, kinds, prescribers, side effects, costs, stigma and hospitalizations. One word that carries with it so much more weight than we ever truly stop to realize.

I’ve gotten used to taking medications daily for my well-being, stability and peace of mind–but it wasn’t always like this for me.

I first got introduced to the concept of medications to manage the OCD back in the semester I was diagnosed, fall 2014. Steve had mentioned that I could try medications as an additional alternative to managing my symptoms but I wasn’t interested in that at the time.

During my first hospitalization in January 2015, the idea was brought again to my attention at Unit Z. I was still stubbornly against the idea of having to ‘rely’ on the aid of medications in order to treat my mental health.

But, I was given some information on an anti-depressant and a nurse spoke to me one-on-one about the idea. I was wary. But I remember that she observed that trying to treat the disorders ‘on my own’ wasn’t working out too, too well for me (as I was in the hospital), so she brought up whether I had anything to truly lose.

I decided that I didn’t, so I took the medication.

At this point in time I was beginning to transition over to a therapist outside of UMass Boston that I hadn’t actually met in person yet. Being in this limbo, I also didn’t have a psychiatrist and would get my medications prescribed to me from a nurse practitioner at my doctor’s office.

A couple more hospitalizations later I did arrive within the doors of my still ongoing psychiatrist. The medication I was on got increased a few milligrams and I got some nasty irregular heartbeat side effects from it, so I was promptly taken off of it and a new medication was added to the mix.

While seeing this outside psychiatrist, who we’ll call “Phil”, I remember the first real trepidation I had over taking medication: would it make me different than who I am and would I have to give up my friendship with the depression? There’s a twisted and almost cruel relationship one can form with their disorder. It becomes comfortable to feel really crappy and when identifying as a suicidal blob as I did at the time, I was afraid of what possibilities and new opportunities would become within my reach again if I got better. It’s as though the idea of getting better became more of a nightmare than being complacent with the depression and OCD.

But the person I am in crisis is not the person I am while stable. And I’m more than a suicidal blob or another label of a mental health condition. Yes, the diagnoses are a part of my story, but they’re not the entire picture. This is something I would come to believe and later understand years after.

Around June 2015 I was hospitalized again and started on an anti-psychotic to treat the OCD that gave me the side effect of a tight jaw. I was taken off this medication and added to a new one later.

In 2016 I arrived on a balance of medications that I stayed on pretty regularly.

In 2017 new medications were thrown into the mix again and I believe this was around the time I started on a booster medication to help with the anti-depressant and in September was taken off of that and added to a few different medications, including another anti-psychotic. One of the medications I was on around this time gave me low blood pressure so when I saw Phil again after my inpatient stay I was taken off of this too.

By February 2018 I began my current level of medications: two pills of an anti-depressant in the morning and one pill of an anti-psychotic at night. I went up on the anti-psychotic following my last hospitalization and finally received the weight gain side effect that I had bypassed for three years. Which, as I was underweight to begin with, wasn’t such a bad thing.

Overall, Phil and I have a good rapport. He listens to what I have to say, takes my concerns into mind and treats me well. I feel heard and listened to when I’m in his office. Medication adjustments for me were often gradual and it felt like an open discussion. He’s helped me to look at diagnoses as a fluid spectrum. He always reminds me when I’m doing unwell that I can call to reschedule an appointment if I need to see him sooner than whenever my actual appointment is.

I may be on medications for the rest of my life, but if it’s a stable life, then I’m okay with that. And even when it’s not, I know there are options for me now. That, in and of itself, is a blessing.

Article written: October 23rd 2018

PD A/N: Heyyy everybody! Here’s another recent-ish article from this semester! Because the paper switched from biweekly to weekly this is the semester I’ve had the most written, what’s right now 25 articles and by the end will be 30. 😀 Super exciting!! I’m making lists of all my articles which is helping me to post these newer ones onto here in mostly the same order and I’m reviewing all of my articles in general for a commentary piece I hope to write soon. 🙂

Thank you so much for reading!! It’s currently 12/2 and I’m messing around with a new video in the editing stages. 🙂 I think I’ll put this up tonight as I finished my psych coursework a few hours ago, took a shower, ate dinner, took my meds as it were and got a nice massage. :3 Tomorrow it’s more coursework but maybe I will have some time for fun artsy activities. 🙂 Yay! I’m so behind in videos, but I hope to get back on top of them soon, or at least before the end of the year!

Any who that’s enough from me! Hope you guys are all well. ❤

Welcome back to another week of blogging/updating articles. 😀 ❤ ❤ ❤ xxx