Discussing My 4 Projects At Length. This post: Recovery Restoration (2017).

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It’s been a full week since I last worked on and spoke about my projects either behind the scenes or online on Twitter, but I think it’s time now to really delve into everything that I want to do with these four main projects, as defined above! So, let’s jump in, shall we?

PS Stay until the end to see my new business cards that I created and ordered from the super lovely graphic design website Canva (that I also use for all my Youtube and blog thumbs!)


Project 1: Recovery Restoration (born 2017)

You guys may remember, if you’ve been following me since 2017 or so, the start of this thumb. I have since edited it slightly so you may notice the changes, but I’m very excited for what this project is and what dreams I have for it, which I will get into in just a moment! 🙂

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This project’s unique and “old” thumb from back in the day, with slight edits.

What is the goal of Recovery Restoration?

The goal of Recovery Restoration is about sharing visual and written forms of artwork to provide peer support and encouragement to those just beginning or in the middle of their recovery journeys with others who have struggled and come through to the other side. Recovery Restoration recognizes that our recoveries are ongoing journeys and believes that giving light onto others can help them, too, out of the darkness. We still struggle, we still slip up, and we keep showing up, we keep fighting, and we keep continuing onwards, which in and of itself is what survivors radiating badassery do.

Recovery Restoration is about providing each other hope and help by saying “I’ve been there too, and I’ve made it all the way here” in an effort to be compassionate, wise, kind and helpful. It’s a walk of advocacy sharing our lived experiences so that someone else may be able to suffer less or struggle but knowing that they are not alone, that there is help and hope available to them.

What is the dream for Recovery Restoration?

The ultimate dream for Recovery Restoration is to share our stories with one another in a way that is visually pleasing and overall optimistic, hopeful, bright and colorful while also balancing realism and the fact that recovery is not a linear process yet better days can be found ahead. The photo albums and folders will be donated to various psychiatric facilities across the state of Massachusetts, with prototypes and initially my own artwork showcased and then including other’s works when the project gets large enough.

What are the conditions for Recovery Restoration?

Because the artwork requires being positive and pleasing, it can’t be triggering with sensitive subject matters (suicide, self-harm, eating disorders, trauma, substance use). Of course, art is subjective which is why the artist’s reasoning behind the photo, what inspired the image, when they created the image, what the image meant for them in their journey and some explanation as to why they created the piece to begin with, will be included on the page after or near enough to the image to be connected and part of the overall story.

Additionally, alongside a person’s submission, they will have to specify how they wish to be credited: ranging from a full name (first and last), nickname, username (social media), phrase, symbol, etc. Permissions to use their artwork and their descriptions must be explicitly written out in a permission form so as to avoid potential legal issues. (I will be making up the form from having previous experience doing similar behaviors with my Photography Club at UMB).

Along with the artistic submission, a person will need to include a little blurb about themselves to be featured at the end of the album/last album pages (in a part called “About the Artist”, saying quirky things or likes/dislikes in life, movies, what inspires them, potentially what diagnoses they live with although this might be told elsewhere, for instance, in their artwork). Also at the start and end of the album will be more about the project itself and its goals, possibly featuring the thumb shown above, with the business cards for the projects to be sent to the front desk of the psychiatric facility for anyone who wishes to write down or record further information on the project’s founders (me).

How will pieces be chosen?

Because this is still a newbie project, I will be using my own artwork to start with before the project is able to spread and be contributed to by others in their recoveries. As such, when choosing pieces to feature I will likely use Twitter or some online polling system to decide on what images versus others are the most appropriate and least offensive to be included in the work, especially if the album is shorter than others and I have only say 20 slots to work with but 30 images.

All descriptions of the artist’s work, about the artist, about the project and its founder and more will be typed up onto paper, as well.

What does this project cost?

I have to do a budgeting document for this project and may utilize websites like GoFundMe or PayPal for the future to raise money to help with the costs, or create fundraising campaigns (if you have any ideas for this, leave them in the comments or send me an email!).

Costs include: printing paper (photo paper), paper paper, ink, print jobs (for instance I have a Canon printer at home so I’ll likely be trouble shooting with that rather than, or maybe sometimes going to CVS), photo albums, time to re-shoot images/artwork where necessary (I had a lot of the first prototype’s get cut off so I will likely need to re-shoot and resize them), folders for the writing portions of the project (as added in 2019).

Additionally, I will likely need a organized system for tracking crediting of artist’s, permission forms, budgeting documents, blurbs about the artist and the works themselves, and physical if not digital copies of the artwork as once the albums are put together all of the work will be donated to a psychiatric facility and no longer in my own possession.

There is no cost of the project to the hospitals themselves.

What do the prototypes look like?

I will keep up to two prototypes of this project including my artwork for myself to be shown when doing presentations of IOOV’s for NAMI-MA, at Passages (my day program), and for my own use or browsing etc. The gold and green is my first prototype, and the “Life is A Beautiful Ride” is my second. The 3 smaller albums will be donated once completely prepared. Images of these are shown below.

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My first prototype for my own artwork in Recovery Restoration. This is one single page, horizontal.

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My second prototype. This holds two slots on one vertical page. Purchased from Michael’s.

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The slide show shows 3 small photo albums that are single paged, I believe 4×6. I got these at Michael’s.

What do my SMART goals for this project look like?

Writing this blog post is a really good way of me forming and brainstorming ideas that I’ve already written in my journal or planner while also providing some accountability for what I wish to accomplish with the preparation and actual donation of the items. I can’t say I’ll work on it every day, however, I do anticipate spending time working on the project weekly to really shape it up and carve out everything I want it to be about.

Also, because I’ve added the creative writing/nonfiction/fiction writing to the project, I will need to build this portion of it the most as it is still untouched at the moment. The writing portion of the project will follow the guidelines for the visual portion.

For more information on my detailed SMART goals for this project, along with a few others that I have yet to fully plan out, please refer to my future post where I fully explore the dimensions of the project, what goals and objectives I’ve set for myself and the timeline I wish to accomplish this in within the upcoming year.

Will I share the works I’ve created for this project with you all?

Yes, I plan to. I will likely create videos for it on my Youtube channel (link in my About the Artist section of my blog) and I can also do dedicated blog posts for them as well. A lot of them, you’ve likely seen showcased before on my blog over the years, too. For those who donate works to be included, I can promote them on my blog with appropriate links to their pages and social media accounts. 🙂


Ultimately, this post is longer than I intended and more informative and thorough than I was expecting. Therefore, I will end this post just about here and work on the other project posts into the foreseeable future. This post has taken a little over an hour to write and it’s extensive with more to be seen and shown and presented, and I think I’d rather just bite the bullet here and wait for more time in other days ahead to work on detailing my plans for my ongoing 3 other projects.

With that said, I will end each project post with my new business cards and this one, you’ll get a little more than usual because I have yet to have unveiled them on my Twitter and I don’t want to tease you all so much without any actual follow through 😉

So, last Friday I decided to come home from program and work on some business cards as my therapist had mentioned the idea of leaving some information about myself and my project with Unit Z as I just left off Recovery Reinforcer things the day before. I used Vistaprint back in the day for Photo Club business cards but I didn’t like all of their selections this time around. So, instead I worked with Canva which is where I make pretty much all my graphic designs, and I browsed through their different free templates until I found the one I wanted to work with.

I also found they had a printable option so I was able to just settle with what fun I could have with them and get my stuff printed and sent to me!

So, here’s the fancy box they came in, first the durable cardboard one (which I plan to keep and redecorate myself):

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I like the frazzle stuff inside too!

And then the card holder they came in:

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So cute and photogenic! 🙂

And now, for the big reveal!!!

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This is the front! The name of my blog, my slogan and a little blurb about my projects! I used the ‘wedding’ template on Canva, if you’re interested! I just changed the colors and added some of the text to it. 🙂

And the back!

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I decided to forgo my name explicitly written here as I wasn’t completely comfortable having that be one of the sole focuses (plus with some minor digging you can find out the rest). I wrote a little description of myself and my ideas and then have all my contact information.

On the back, as you can see, I manged to add the silhouette of the lighthouse and the lotus flower as I have them on my title card on my Youtube channel/on my blog and such.

I wasn’t able to find a free logo making and downloading site, but if I ever do, it’ll be a rainbow infused lighthouse. But for now, I just use a silhouette version.

And, that’s all from me!!!

I hope that you enjoyed this post! I hope that it was enlightening and creative and fun for you all to read! 🙂 Let me know what your thoughts are in the comments below or send me a message elsewhere on social media with your ideas! 🙂

Thanks again!! ❤ ❤ ❤

Now it’s time I go eat some dinner, ahaha.

Faced with Lack of Motivation, I Redecorated My Desk

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I’m normally a pretty easily inspired kind of person. Sometimes when reviewing and reading over coursework I’d get my wheels turning for related fanfics or drawing ideas. Song lyrics are a major source of inspiration for me and I’ve often used them to begin my articles for the Mass Media or write other chapters of fanfic or even just playing in the background for when I’m creating a collage or reorganizing my room.

But I don’t often, or at least I didn’t think I did, get uninspired and unmotivated. However, the sluggish past 3 days have proved difficult to bear because of this.

I think it’s a stark contrast to how things were going for me on Friday: Friday I was inspired and motivated, goal oriented and in charge. I was completing various new thumbs in part for my blog, thinking of the ideas I had in store for the long weekend for my very blog, in writing vibes mode for fanfics, and really ready and roaring to go.

Saturday I also completed more thumbs for my blog and was productive and engaged up until I had my family therapy appointment with June.

Then once I got home from that, after about an hour, I just dissolved into goop and fell asleep for a long 3 hours. After that I wasn’t as peppy, even though my stomach was full and I was still luckily tired enough to head back to sleep a few hours later.

By Sunday, I was continuing the spiel of lack of motivation. I felt like I couldn’t write, I couldn’t really art and I was void of ideas and ways to keep myself busy. I fell asleep again in the afternoon and after waking up, I played some music for about 3 hours while I decided to work on reorganizing my room (I wound up focusing exclusively on my desktop and inside my desk drawer) and then, in an effort to dust off my dreams and inspirations, I decided to completely redecorate my desk as well.

[Insert new update: I just took a bunch of photos of my newly decorated desk, desk drawer and one my newer boxes that I’ve dedicated for all the stationery that was once inside my desk. Having taken these photos I feel more refreshed and more inspired, even if I didn’t have an image of the ‘before’ shots. 😛 It was a mess before though and I’ll add notes as to how it’s different as I show you guys the images here!]

I’m basically only played 2 songs when I was redecorating yesterday but it was refreshing and a way of changing the environment around me in hopes to change the environment around my thoughts. I can actually utilize my desk far better now than before, which is definitely an improvement. I forgot all the little things I have and what they meant to me and what memories they evoke from my earlier days in recovery, so that was lovely. I guess we just get so used to looking at the same thing every day, day in and day out, that we forget to actually SEE it, you know? So it was nice to break away from that and appreciate all the little things.

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My current work station. I’ve actually been utilizing this portion of my bed that faces the wall/my desk area for the past week as a way to change up how I’m always facing my whiteboard and such instead. Again, another change of scenery!

And of course, the big reveal:

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An inclusion of the chair to demonstrate how spotless and cleaned up it is!

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Here it is!! Ta-da, my desk!! ❤ ❤ ❤

So, to describe what’s new and different on my desk now:

  • The pocket watch photo in the gold frame used to be on the left side of the desk, where the lotions are.
  • The silver photo frame features an old photograph I did at school that I set up to be vertical and will feature a NEWER photo soon. 🙂
  • I put out 3 of 4 of my new lotions on the edge of my desk
  • I’ve added a few new books that I want to read behind the 3 other books so that there’s easier access and it’s harder for me to be ignoring how much I want to really get back into reading. 😛
  • I changed the message on my light box! (More on that below)
  • I now have a lot more open space on my desk itself so I can use it more as an art station, journaling station and filming/Internet work space.

Now, for the close-ups:

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Originally the message was: “Choose Happy & Recovery” but I’ve since changed it to “Choose Recovery Raquel” in homage to my projects. ❤

Additionally, you get another little look around my desk with what’s in the vicinity: My Christmas Groot, a few stress balls, a candle holder that I’m using to hold a few various items like bubbles and stickers I made a few years ago, a bottle of beaded hearts which I hope to create some bracelets out of, a little round holder that I plan to repaint and is a throw back to when I was at Unit Z one of the last last times. The bottom inside is dark with silver glitter to represent the night sky and the top half is painted yellow with silver glitter to represent the daylight. 🙂

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In this shot, I wanted to (okay my whole caption just got deleted, let’s try this again!) highlight the sparkling gold leaf that fell off an art space at program that I totally stole for my own possession 😀 There’s a rock with the etching of the word ‘Relax’ and other little knick knacks from various places that I’ve gathered.

Next!

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A clearer shot of the stickers that I think I made on Vistaprint about 2 years ago! On Friday, I actually created new business cards on Canva and ordered them, and I’ll reveal them once I get them in the mail, which should be within this week! 🙂 But this is a candle holder I’m using for lotion, pens and bubble blowers. Next to it on the left is a thing of slime that I have yet to open because I have a video idea for it and then the books and another Unit Z cup I stole featuring pencils and pens.

Next up, some jewelry and then to the right!

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Yes, those are ladybug tissues. 😉 This gold leafed necklace I actually would hang up on my pocket watch frame but with its new location I’m not able to do that so I just placed it here over this red velvet patch. The bracelet features a saying that I’m sure you’ve seen before that my Mom got made and a lighthouse keychain that someone had made when they told their recovery story from living with OCD. :3 Also, the beaded bracelets nearby are an almost completed version of my slogan. 🙂 “Survivor” and “Radiate”

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So here’s the right side! Some slime, a nice smelling sachet, my calculator, a hand knitted turtle that I got from April on Twitter, my spare glasses, my photography, flamingo tissues which always reminds me of my blogger friend Summer, and one of my ultimate favorite purple stress balls. I just love the spikiness of it! And of course, pencils and pens 😉

Now, we can move into the INSIDE of the desk!! I completely repurposed this section. Initially it was housing almost all of my stationery (minus the yellow ‘Be Awesome Today’ box I have under my desk which has more stationery in it) which I’ve since moved into a DIFFERENT box and now is housing instead all the things I need to remind me of my projects which, so far, you guys are in the dark about, but that I will be discussing shortly in time!! (That’s what all the thumbs were about and I believe this week, for sure, I think, I’ll be able to share that)

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This is the right portion of the desk drawer! Again featuring a couple of my blog’s stickers, another sachet, 3 photo albums which go in line with Recovery Restoration, cards/envelopes all to the right under the stickers for Recovery Reinforcer, different containers of glitter and the like!

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Naturally, this is the left portion. My own personal prototype of Recovery Restoration, a Hope that I wish to repaint, leftover goodie bags with stationery and such inside.

Then of course, there’s my swept together blank space on the floor:

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Featuring lots of books I still want to read, my backpack for program, a trash bag, my bookshelf and art related things (creative writing), plus clothing and all my stacks of fresh journals.

Naturally, having moved my stationery from my desk, this is where they are now being housed:

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Do excuse the blank space of my rug at the bottom. But there’s to do lists, pencils, old slime containers, page flags, sticky notes etc. A very, very full box!

And that is alllllll I have to show you for that!

This became more of a project-like post than I initially intended but being able to take pictures of my new areas makes me feel more inspired and a lot more motivated and intrigued by everything.

I have to go eat dinner momentarily, but I want to just update a little further by what posts I’m hoping to be publishing within the next week and even months of my newly acquired time off:

  1. All about my projects (w/ thumbs!)
  2. Life updates
  3. Song a Day’s
  4. Artwork
  5. My Fanfics Part 2
  6. Old/a couple new articles
  7. Book reviews
  8. Film reviews

Annnnnnd, I can’t think of anything else! But yeah, that should keep me busy for a while.

What kinds of things would YOU like to see on my blog? Let me know in the comments down below!

It was actually quite fun and busy-making talking to you guys. 🙂 I hope that you enjoyed this post!

With love and much light! ❤ ❤ ❤

PS This post was brought to you by the background music of “Brave” by Sara Bareilles

 

All About My Fanfics | PART 1

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How do you guys like the new thumb? I JUST finished making it and it’s currently almost 7p on January 17th 2019. 🙂

I have to break for dinner momentarily but I wanted to start writing this post as I’m just really in the mood to write and I want to talk about my fanfics–so what better idea than to combine the two and make a blog post out of it? 😀

In this post, I want to share with you all all of my fanfics ideas. I created this list on fancy stationery paper about a year and a half ago. I went to the library one day and just wrote out everything that was in my head. I currently have about 6 or 7 stories ongoing and a few on hiatus, with PLENTY of other ideas that have yet to be written or are abandoned (momentarily) and have to be completed. I will also include the BONUS fanfics regarding House MD (2) and a crossover, but more on that later. Here is the image again, I believe I posted about it before when I made previous posts about my fanfics (you can check out those here: 2 Cover Arts and Summaries for a few stories, An Unseeing Shadow fic in Full & Worth It One-shot & possibly a few blurbs in other posts that I don’t feel like digging for), but it’s been a while so I will refresh all of our memories and post it again here:

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Image 1 where I was at the library working on these notes. Most of what I’ll refer to in this post is the title, summary, and what I needed for the stories. 🙂 You’ll see more below!

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17 pages front and back of notes and information, with some additional notes elaborated in other notebooks and journals. It’s also an ongoing list. And possibly I left out some that I’ve now thought of since….

So, with that out of the way, let’s begin!!! (If particular stories have cover arts, which I know I’m still sitting on 2 of the 4 I made before in the hospital at Unit Z, I MIGHT try and include them unless this post won’t be able to fit into being uploaded today, of which I may forgo them for now and add them into a new post in the future. I’m not sure yet. Fuck it, I found them, I’ll put them up! :P) PS I will try and include my newest profile picture that I made yesterday on Canva for FF.net & AO3 below, too, if I remember!

WARNING: These notes are extensive and separated by each individual story, if you do not wish to find out spoilers for the stories, watch for the bold text.


To begin, the title for these papers is:

Organizing Work In Progress Fanfics.

I began this document of organization back on June 6. 2017.

1. “If I Only Could” ; 5/8/2017

(This story has a picture, of which I’ll post at the end of this block. The date next to each title is when I thought of the idea approximately!)

About: Inspired by Track & Field’s “Running Up That Hill” cover (love this song!) Thor and Loki fan video by gabygal7. An Alternate Universe in which Loki & Thor swap places to live each other’s lives in a freak accident when they stumble upon a magical gem in a cave. The switch is temporary so that they can understand each other’s POV. Pre-Thor. Include within initial chapters the inspiration with particular lyrics. Also think: Freaky Friday inspiration.

What I need: Background details to begin story; reasons why this is necessary/needed for the characters; how does this happen?; how does it end.when do they learn the lesson?; how many chapters? ~10?; explore all necessary details and have fun with it.

Present Day Commentary: For a while, I wondered how exactly this would work as a plot line and I only just settled upon the notion a few days ago that it would be their souls that swap places within each other’s bodies but that what thoughts would normally go through their mind would remain within those bodies–like, Thor’s soul will be in Loki’s body but Thor will bear witness to what Loki’s mind thinks of himself and the world around him. I don’t know, maybe that’s obvious from the idea itself but it always bothered me that I couldn’t quite figure that out. I’m hoping to start this fic actually soon.

The idea for this story came after I stumbled upon the fanvideo and it got my gears turning! So, it’ll have been a long time coming! 🙂

Cover art:

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Drawn totally in crayon/pencil from when I was at Unit Z. Specifics for the date when I drew this, well, I’m not going to dig up the original file in person so we’ll just have to go by when I took the photo in July 2017.

2. “Wounded Yet Healing” ; 3/2/2017

About: Character play with Loki & Thor and a SHIELD agent Original Character named Janice. Just a one-shot about an injured Loki hiding his wounds until they’re discovered and mended. Implied character growth. Set in an unknown AU. Specifics don’t really matter.

What I need: Goal set in mind to finish the one-shot; observational skills of body language and micro-expressions; focus to finish; the imagination and creativity to have fun with it; keep in mind title to guide the piece (written on paper).

PD Comm.: I actually remember that I have started this fic, I believe in handwriting if I’m not mistaken. I think I have the original papers somewhere lost in my fanfic folder. This is also a pretty good highlight of how I don’t nowadays in the last few years (5 or so) figure out all the plot lines and characters beyond the main plot. Like, I just dump characters into a space and time and don’t explore or elaborate on what led them to that point and go beyond following the details. I guess, I just don’t have a complete rounded out versions of stories anymore. There are probably plot holes and lapses of time that go on in my stories. Of course, I’m trying to explore and expand on that a little more with some of my stories, not all, but some (CtP). This idea is a good representation of how I just create some things without getting muddied in all the nitty gritty details (which is ironic for how detailed I write as it is when it comes to body language and scene making, ahaha.) But yeah, I just thought I’d say that. 🙂

3. “Lead Me Home, Brother” – May 2017

*This story has cover art.

About: Inspired by hearing on the radio the solo version of “See You Again” by Charlie Puth and having taken aging course in uni. Include some inspired lyrics through the chapters. Not a long fic, about 4 chapters long. About 2 chapters with Loki dead and Thor temporarily and the opposite where the song is included and each brother gets to speak with the other and convinced to go back to living. Like a hurt & comfort/angst fic. Consider naming chapters for better clarity: which brother and line inspiration from song.

What I need/Work through: A title; category decision (Avengers); Thor ??, Loki -> take place on Midgard, loose enemy to Avengers even with Thor’s passing; consoling brothers; think of the aging/dying process and course material (inspired from this); consider my own existential and mortality questions and concerns; lyrics to include’ setting up details and how to include all the moving parts especially with the characters involved; Thor -> to awaken amongst Avengers; Loki -> trickier, more set up beforehand. Mortal? Demigod? Impact of losing Thor; emotions then how he gets sick and passes, the conversation they have and him returning. Open ended if he changes or continues his mischief with the Avengers? Maybe mocking Thor’s grave to the Avengers even as he brings flowers there regardless? Maybe a smile to Avengers as Loki disappears with his magic.

Title Brainstorm; 6/14/2017:

Without You; The Return; Returning; Left Me when I needed you the most; Always gonna hurt; Feeling so cold; Waiting for you; Home; Let the light guide your way; Holding…

PD Comm.: I have actually started this fic but it’s on the back burner for now. I’ve written out all the lyrics to pick from in my marble notebook where I incidentally wrote SWC and will write IYIB. But besides the first chapter I haven’t explored it much since. It’s cool to see more of my thought processes and writing out the plot and figuring things out though. 🙂 I think it’s more realistic that this story will be 6 chapters long, instead. I have the first chapter up on FF.net for sure, not sure about AO3. Not yet, at least. 😉

Cover art:

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Looks like this was drawn/colored in crayon back in June 2017. 🙂 Bottom right corner I can just make out the dates.

4. “____________” (Untitled) ; May 8.2017

About: Inspired by daily prompt of 5/8 “Bitter”. Random fanfic just to do some character study and explore this old daily prompt. Could do Loki centered OR play with other characters or short drabble sections with each character to better practice writing them all (for other fics). One shot or multiple chapters.

What I need: Chapter titles and overall title; creativity and a challenge to do a little each day or with a chosen character for X amount of time/day to get a complete version of the fic; get creative with it, include songs/lyrics with different characters, explore ordinary situations, AU’s and mental health conditions; just play with it. Play along. Quotes from books/actors about characters; goals to do. Be a character ahead for uploading; can be disjointed–doesn’t have to be chronological; something light, fun, unpredictable; characters: Barton, Natasha, Thor, Loki, Tony, Bruce, Steve.

PD Comm.: This isn’t really something I’ve thought of much in the last few years but it would be nice to explore and get better at properly representing the other characters which, because I largely and exclusively write for Avengers, will be necessary. Even more so if I want to be more current with the newer Avengers members (Scarlet Witch, Falcon, Antman, Spider-man, etc.) It’d be an interesting little project, I think. Maybe I will do something with it this year.

I also just want to say of course that I don’t own this characters, just the plot ideas! 😉

5. “____________” (Untitled) ; May/June 2017

About: Inspired by recent world news of terror attacks. What if Loki took a step back, saw himself and his actions in Avengers on the news and considered himself a terrorist. How might that play out? What would it look like? ~Title something about terrorist/terror attack. Maybe a made up date of what happened in New York in Avengers? Maybe POV of Loki murdering, others being hurt and Loki later on either repenting or celebrating?

What I need: Glimpses of news stations and outlets speaking about Loki’s terror attack–reports, breaking news, witness accounts, clips being shown, maybe real or made up news anchors; title brainstorm; the ability to take on new and challenging perspectives to write on potentially controversial topics with a fanfic/fictional perspective that may not reflect my true thoughts on the real world “inspirations”; how do people cope with extreme situations? How are they resilient? Capturing the keep fighting mentality. The coming together and standing strong; long one-shot. Multiple days, editing before uploading; research if Avengers happened on a specific day or make it up.

PD Comm.: This particular fic is actually super relevant today as yesterday I went off on a Deep Dive on Youtube after being recommended the 9/11 terror attacks and it definitely made me think back on this fic and what I wanted to do with it, which in part inspired me to write this post in the first place (to continue getting all my ideas together in another place and work through any issues or writing vibes that came up (like new projects or next projects to work on)) Especially since it’s been a long time since I really sat down and read over these notes. I thought it’d make a good post to explore them, here. 🙂 Any who!

6. “Night Terror” ; April 2017

About: Inspired by “Beacon” an FF.net Tony x Steve fic (not one I wrote) & “My Heart Beats, Too” (my first published and completed story on AO3 & FF.net). A story in which Tony Stark is awoken in panic by the sound of a fellow teammate in his room late one night. While his PTSD is triggered, he sets it aside in order to aid his befallen teammate. Who has fallen down the rabbit hole with him? And will Tony’s efforts be enough to save them? Post Avengers AU featuring a reformed evil doer.

What I need: Review text to pick up on details included -> Loki is bleeding heavily from various wounds; assess/establish Loki’s injuries; the aid that will be provided to him; vague or specifics; Thanos got him; how does Tony help him? What can he do?; establish length, short fic <5 chapters; deep injury then recovery; why does Loki come to Tony? Friendship established? Does Loki say why or just smirks? Little more thought with this one.

PD Comm.: This is actually another one of my stories that I have shelved for later and is on hiatus, although I do have the first chapter up on my FF.net account. I think I still need to put it on AO3, but I’m not positive. I don’t really have much else to say about this fic, surprisingly. Yeah, that’s all I got.

7. “Severed” ; Nov. 2016

*This story has cover art which will be presented at the end of the block.

About: Inspired by Skylark016’s “Got Hit Couldn’t Shake It” a Steve Rogers centered fanfic on FF.net. My story is an AU in which Loki is struck by an enemy in battle while fighting alongside his older brother, Thor. When it turns out his life altering injury is permanent, how may Loki rise above his ailment and live a life he enjoys? And how will Thor’s friends, the Avengers, support or hinder his brother’s recovery?

What I need: Further inspiration to continue this fic; research on paralysis below the hips; current technology for Tony’s involvement; when approximately it takes place (how long after New York?); style of AU and how to incorporate details into fic; more notes and build up of details. Identify what I want to get out of this fic and what takeaway can be made for the readers; approximately max 20 chapters; does Loki find out he’s adopted? And how does he react? When does he find out? Who does he go to for help?

PD Comm.: Aaaa, Severed. Dear old, dear, Severed. I LOVE this fanfic, to be honest. I forgot it was inspired by someone else’s story and that seems to be a theme with a lot of these, to be honest! Ahaha. But no, really, I love this story so much. I just published the 9th chapter a week or so ago, if you want to check it out! You could even leave a review if you’d like, hint hint. But I think this story may be–actually no, it WILL be–longer than 20 chapters. Maybe 40. It’s good. There will be some suicidal themes, which for most of my stories that’s a prevalent theme (in some more than others) but it will get better once Loki and Thor move down to Earth. It just takes a little while before that happens and Loki has to go through some hell first. Oh, Severed. How I love you dearly. ❤ ❤ ❤ Additionally, I’m not including a spoilers warning for this particular fic as I actually wind up setting up the premise at the end of the first chapter (which I totally forgot about until I went back and read it months/a year later lol).

Cover art:

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Drawn also in June 2017. ❤

8. “A Little Unsteady” ; August 2016

About: Title inspired by the X Ambassadors song “Unsteady” and also there’s just not enough Loki fainting fics out there. It’s been three days since Loki joined the Avengers Initiative, two months after the battle of New York City. Loki’s body decides to kick off the celebrations by fainting…multiple times. How will the other Avengers react to this new development? And will Loki feasibly be able to join the team if his problem continues?

**SPOILERS WARNING**

……….

What I need: use of medical research with some creative license in fic; continued research on atrial flutter and atrial fibrillation; timeline: 3 days (and 2 months after NYC, Chp 1), 1 week (Chp 2), 2 months with existential and situational crisis (Chp 3); Chp 4 picks up with Thor finding out about Loki’s troubles; Loki gets benched for a little while (at least a chapter); 1 more instance where Loki gets a bad attack on a mission after an absence of fainting that gets him hit in battle, falling off a roof and onto the top of a car where blood drips from his fingers and he needs CPR for being technically dead; after this it’s found out that he’s suffering from A.flutter with Afib. here and there; treatment approaches are explored. Maybe some suspense still fluttered in and how he manages life anew/in light of his condition; ~10 chapters; time to jump back in and continue playing with characters and how to jump into the story again; answer/address Loi’s PTSD with the Other/Thanos torture and him telling the others about that (Chp 3 mentions and from a review of the story); what do I mean to achieve with this fic? How do I get from here to there?; interaction with the team.

PD Comm.: This fic is … amazing and mind boggling and I’m soooo in love with it. I JUST updated it after like 5-6 months YESTERDAY on both AO3 and FF.net if you want to check it out but man, this is THE most popular story I have ever had. EVER. It’s amazing and I am so thankful and I love it and it’s got humor and feels and I feel like, especially as of the last chapter, that I’m like part of the elite club when it comes to the MCU to be able to play with emotions both of sadness and relatability and humor and light-heartedness. It’s such a precarious balance but so needed and something I feature here and there in a few of my other stories as well. It’s necessary, it really is. But yeah, man, I love ALU. I never thought it’d do as well as it has and it’s really, really cool to have such a large following for it although also intimidating but as you can see from the notes section, that the major scene that started this fic at all is pretty thorough and detailed out but we’ve still got probably 2-4 chapters to go before we get there completely.

Definitely a longer than 10 chapter fic, maybe 20 or so? Sigh. Yes, so, so, so much love. Plus who doesn’t love a good little medical mystery? 😉

Also, it’s now 9p, my god. I wonder if I should put this as two posts instead of one huge one? I’m not sure, maaaaaybe. We’re almost half-way through though!

9. “This Would Be the End” ; August 2016

*This fic has cover art.

About: Inspired from Thor (2011) when Loki finds out his true heritage and the song “It all runs together” as background music for writing the first chapter. His world had turned still. The moment he was completely submerged in the shifting waves, his world had turned still. Over and over he tried to break through to the surface, but a weight held him down. Something was holding him down in a vicious, unrelenting fashion. No, wait… They were hands. Loki is drowning and someone is trying to kill him. Would this be the end for them?

**SPOILERS AHEAD**

………

What I need: Clint tries to kill Loki by murder suicide in the ocean, sacrificing his own life, 5 years after NYC. Both are given CPR. Loki comes back from (multiple tries) of Thor’s hammer’s electricity; Loki is unconscious with internal injuries and is in pain. They realize this at the end of Chp 2; Loki suffers from internal burns due to his Frost Giant genetics so there’s organ damage, broken ribs, burns to his chest, a broken sternum (even if he’s a demigod) and the psychological ramifications that will happen later; maybe Loki and Barton have therapy? :D; Don’t make Clint a murderous bad guy a reviewer says. Clint likely made a split second decision that with treatment he later regrets and has to come to terms with and how he and Loki deal with the situation thereafter; Does Loki join the team? How do they learn to trust one another? Trust games: falling, fighting, ‘team’ exercises. How does the team respond? Do they get therapy, too?; Unknown length. Until it’s complete and I get out all I want to. 🙂

PD Comm.: I believe, if I’m not mistaken, that the idea for this fic came out from the scene where Loki learns his true heritage and there’s water on both sides of the vault room and that’s what made me think of this plot, because as it’s revealed in the first chapter, Loki doesn’t know how to swim. But yeah, this one also has a bit of spoilers in it so be mindful of that. Everyone’s going to get group therapy though and it’s going to be infinitely interesting.

I think what’s most interesting about all these fics and plots and stories is finding those little parts of myself that I am leaving behind. It’s very, very fascinating. This story is on hold but I am hoping to work on another chapter again soon so I can update it on my accounts. I think I am still behind a bit for AO3 (I only joined in June 2018).

Cover art:

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One brown eye to represent Barton & one green eye to represent Loki. An ocean and a pulse line. Hehe. I guess it says something about life/death and the intricate ways we’re all connected to one another/impact each other’s lives.


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But overall, I think I’ve decided that I will upload this post as PART 1 of my fanfics and work on Part 2 tomorrow or Saturday instead. Because I could MAYBE squeeze it all in today but that’s a bit all/nothing and I’m bound to be tired as is so for now, this will do. It’s also currently about 9:30p so, you know, even if I tried to get it all done, ugh that just sounds like a lot more work and energy that I don’t have to expel at the moment. This is officially half-way through all my fanfic stories ideas, notes and the like, however!

I’m actually quite exhausted mentally and physically, so I’ll be off to bed soon. I have to wake up early tomorrow as is to go to program.

But, above all, I hope you enjoyed this piece! It’s really pretty neat to look back on some of these stories and see where the roots of inspiration came from. I definitely forgot how intricate my inspirations can be and I hope that with time I’ll be able to challenge my issues regarding reading to reimmerse myself into some of these stories (of other writers, I mean). But yeah, it’s really cool and neat and interesting to read back through these and see where things have come from and collided and having some drawings for them etc. The next portion will largely be just text but maybe I can work on something soon for more cover art pieces to these stories. That would be fun. 🙂

Today was a very, very, very good day to me. I actually spent probably about 2 hours watching through all the clips or as many as I could find of Thor and the Avengers to get myself more inspired to work on stories/chapters, and I still have to print the latest chp of ALU, but yeah, I did some research and I’m happy to have had all the vibes and creativity today. I know I’ll face writer’s block again in the future, and I have to mention those House MD fics too, but for now, it’s good. Life is good.

I made 19 cards and dropped them off at Unit Z which is almost like a precursory project to Recovery Restoration which is super exciting and I really look forward to exploring it soon. I believe I have a family therapy appointment this Sat. That will be interesting. For now, I’m tired. It’s time to end this post. I could say more, I so could, but I must rest.

Thank you all for reading this blog post!! I’ll probably answer a few messages from my fics now, work on videos over the weekend and tweet, text and maybe write, print and do my P, J, 5YJ, TP and DC.

Good night, my friends. ❤ ❤ ❤

The Walk of Legends | Poetry

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The sun shines with brightness,

I walk with my head uplifted–

> standing tall though lopsided,

> scoliosis has once wreaked havoc on my body.

 

But now the sun is filtering through the green branches–

> I am scared of death

> And yet enthralled by it.

 

I write creatively as a passion–

> as a way to cope with the shadows that

> dare to extinguish my soul.

 

But they cannot break my spirit–

> they cannot hold power over me

> for I am now all powerful.

 

I smile a smile large and wide–

> the one that once hid a thousand tears.

 

But now it is a smile of joy

> Of true stability.

 

The night is not without darkness,

> Yet the moon and stars still shine.

 

I am one with the Universe,

> Finding meaning in all its crevices.

 

This solar system was made to

be glimpsed by me.

 

I see with sparkle,

> With glitter

> and rainbows.

 

Unicorns exist

> as do rainbow lighthouses

in my vision.

 

I craft Recovery personas,

>  bursting with projects and ideas

I wish to unveil to the world.

 

My quest is noble.

> My courage unafraid.

 

I think not of what people think of me.

 

I am simple authentic–

> take it or leave it.

 

I am not as fragile

> as I fear to be.

 

I am strong,

> I am wise.

 

I am creative,

> I am a beacon.

 

And I will shine and shine again

> because I know it matters.

 

I know that I matter.

 

And with hope,

> and with help,

I will help others

> to help themselves

 

just as I was once inspired to do.

 

Stay safe and remember,

> We are survivors radiating badassery.


Heyyyy everybody!!! Sorry it took me so long to get this poem up for you guys (like an entire week), I’ve not been up to very much this weekend, mainly just watching Youtube videos and vegging out. I’ve had writer’s block again for the better part of the week so unfortunately I’m still trying to overcome that. It turns out that WordPress doesn’t like to maintain my tabbed over sentences so I had to be a bit creative by adding in the “>” sign where it’s indicative of a line placed further to the right than the left abiding lines.

Any who, I wrote this poem last week in art therapy group at program after we were read a long poem entitled “Therapy”. We had to come up with something in response to its words and this is what I came up with. 🙂

This piece was written January 7.2019.

I plan to have more posts to come soon!!

Love you guys & stay safe! xxx ❤ ❤ ❤

Let’s hope my writing vibes come back full swing soon! 😛 Tomorrow in fact is open art day. Also, I have been neglecting editing videos so I want to focus on that this week and I’m planning to donate some validating, positive and pro-recovery cards to Unit Z this Th, so I have like 30 more to make before I drop them all off!! More on that soon. ❤ Thanks for reading!!

I’ve Been Writing Creatively for 16 Years. I lost it for a while due to mental health. It’s Time I Reignite It.

It started out today with me having fallen asleep again during the afternoon while battling through intense rounds of boredom and lack of interest in pretty much everything. I was not without things to do, however. I could have read a book that I’ve been putting off for a couple of months (fearing that I’m not in the right head space to gather every concept and understanding of it, putting down page flag after page flag, being stuck in my perfectionism); I could have written creatively for my fan fiction stories, but I felt void of either endeavor.

So I slept for an hour and a half, as a way to pass the time.

And I woke at 4p rejuvenated and ready to take on the (rest of the) day. I ate a late lunch then wandered back into my bedroom, unsure how to proceed.

I didn’t have any writing vibes and I didn’t have the interest to read. I could even have started reading my assignment for tomorrow at Weekend Planning but I felt the same obstacles against me for why I didn’t turn towards the book. So I picked up my iPod, even though I’ve gotten bored with the music I listen to nowadays (the same songs on repeat), and I heard “For Your Entertainment” by Adam Lambert fill my ears.

It made me smile because years and years ago I had this dark!Wilson from House MD fan fiction story idea where Wilson is secretly a serial killer with House as his roommate in their studio apartment and he’s secretly hiding the bodies of strippers in their house. The song was meant to be quoted throughout the story as part inspiration and part storytelling. Wilson would pick his victims and kill them at the apartment and at the end of the story, House finds out and we think that he’s going to stop Wilson (as does the woman in question) but House winds up joining in instead. :O I know it’s a little elaborate and fucked up but it was still a good story idea.

This then reminded me of my friend Vanessa, when I told her about how I had a really old House fanfic idea from back in the day that I never finished, who asked if I had the link to that story (she thought I had published it). At this moment, I wondered if I could find it, in that old green notebook I had when I started the story several, several years ago.

So, with the song in tow–although for a different fanfic–I dared to go through my writing box which is more so a place of where all my creative writing and other artsy things like drawing and photography are housed.

And I found it, actually. It’s no longer in the notebook but loose leaf pages of pencil scratch. It’s from 2011. And I’m going to finish it. I actually, thank god, still have the notes of the plot line attached so that’ll make it easier for me to work with the characters and such again (especially since I don’t have to rely fully on my fuzzy memory).

And I’m going to write that “For Your Entertainment” fic too. I just have to do my research and remember the characters more to write them effectively and in character.

But it all reminded me, as I scoped through various folders (lots of nice folders, even) of poems and short stories how much I had forgotten how creative I used to be. I used to be able to create elaborate plot lines of original work and original characters and flow and emotion and on topics that I had never even experienced myself but felt as though I were channeling by some other person renting space in my skull.

I forgot how amazing that was, how I was. I forgot how I didn’t always just write about myself and my experiences but of people and places and things that never occurred to me in reality yet I could paint so perfectly that it’s questionable if I hadn’t experienced it.

I’ve been writing creatively since I was 9 years old. That’s 16 years ago. I got into writing poetry in 2007, writing primarily prose until then. I have so many works on my deviantART account from way back in the day. And I have even more that I’d forgotten about that never made it quite to the computer screen.

So I’m going to revive them. I’m going to bring them back to life. And I’m going to share through this blog my previous creative works of fiction (and some nonfiction). I’m going to make some thumbs for poetry and prose respectively and we’re gonna have fun with this.

I have yet to completely sift through everything I uncovered but I’m excited. There are some particular stories and characters that are darker than most (and thus will come with necessary trigger warnings) and some of it I have to really fix up before or while I type them and before I publish them, but overall I’m excited.

I guess, it’s not that I lost the creative ability, it just got buried a little deeper. But I’m hopeful that I can reignite it and share that with all of you reading this. It’s worth a shot at least.

It’s funny because going through these papers I remembered how I would see and engage with things in life or online (say, on deviantART, someone else’s photograph or my own) and be able to write creatively about them (and I know I have tons of previously unfinished or completed works regarding this theme) but yeah, I had also forgotten about this detail and how I don’t necessarily do that as much anymore.

Part of this exploration is mourning the loss of what things once were, I’m finding. But maybe, just like with photography, I can expand and explore and reignite the passion that was once so prominent.

My goal is to work on these pieces and upload TuTh’s with creative works to my blog and update my DA where relevant with the newly revised works. Some of them will be finished for the first time and others will be just typed up as they were (unless I’m able to channel some new vibes and add to them present day wise).

Also, I think it’s important to note that in creating a blog itself and when I have written blog posts that those can be works of art and creative writing endeavors themselves. I don’t think in the bulk of this text, I was giving myself enough credit for that. I think my writing has evolved in many ways and some of it, I’m finding, hasn’t stayed with me all the way but I think I can work on regaining that. Especially nowadays with how stable I am, I think it’s something I’m ready to explore again with a whole new focus, idea and perspective. Plus, reading more when I can actually do so will help with this too, and I’m still writing fanfics too, which is another form of creative writing. Plus I wrote a poem recently so that’s some too. I guess, in dealing with my mental health conditions I lost a lot of that original work of plots and characters yet at the same time it’s probably more accurate to say that they stepped away for a bit and I’m starting the process of rediscovering them all.

I also have some classic old writing pieces in mind that I can share with you guys. And articles, in a way, were just different forms of journaling. When I write fanfic stuff these days, it’s a flow of consciousness which is reflective in my articles and may be a little different than how I used to process writing in the past. I just figured I’d add this notion before fully leaving this post.

For now, that’s all I have to say.

Life is…interesting, to say the least.

I’m curious to see where this takes us. 🙂

Stay safe.

xxxx ❤ ❤ ❤

Markers of Progress | Article F18

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“Just tell me how I got this far, just tell me why you’re here and who you are. ‘Cause every time I look, you’re never there and every time I sleep, you’re always there. ‘Cause you’re everywhere to me and when I close my eyes it’s you I see. You’re everything I know that makes me believe I’m not alone, I’m not alone….I sense it now, the water’s getting deep, I try to wash the pain away from me…And when I catch my breath it’s you I breathe.” – Lyrics from “Everywhere” by Michelle Branch.

 

It was the middle of August 2018 when I heard the song “All You Wanted” by Michelle Branch over the radio on my drive home from a family therapy appointment. There was something about that song that struck me in that moment as fitting to explain Thor and Loki’s relationship in the Thor and Avengers films (the Marvel Cinematic Universe, in particular). In my spare time I like to write Loki-centered Avengers fan fiction that I post up online on two main fan fiction websites. So, I wrote myself a story exploring the depths of Thor’s early childhood relationship with Loki and one of his untimely deaths. I covered a lot of ground about grieving and the process of that, the concept of legacies and meaning, the difficulties that death poses to both man and demigod and I thought it was a nice single story that I could plop out into existence just because.

 

But then when I had long since finished writing that story, I heard “Everywhere” again by Michelle Branch and the idea of a prequel popped into my mind. The first story, “Somebody Who Cares”, dealt with the end of a grieving process whereas this prequel, “It’s You, I Breathe” would be based in the very beginnings of that process. I imagine that Thor will be seeing reminders of his brother Loki around in the world while battling with what if’s of what could have changed the story from ending the way that it did.

 

I’ve decided to talk about this source of artistic inspiration and expression because it’s really, really important for us to find these little golden coins of reasons to stay alive for and changing our relationships to items in our lives. I’d like to discuss the continued ways in which my recovery has been explored and how I was successfully able to avert a crisis in the middle of November.

 

Initially I had only ever heard these songs by Michelle Branch as echoes of my childhood, then at one particular square inch of time I was able to take in that information with a whole new perspective. I related to it differently from Point Z than Point B. This concept is similar to the meaning and understanding I can find in reading a novel at one portion of my life, say when I was 15, versus another period of my life, at 25, and coming away from that experience with different thoughts than I would have previously. Or, when it comes to treatment, I can begin to track my Internet activities in August only to come to accept for myself that I have an unhealthy relationship with it in November (whereas before I would have denied it). The way in which I relate to the world and the way I believe and perceive the way the world interacts with me is an ever-evolving relationship. This is the type of principle that makes triggers so unique to each individual. Triggers can be anything and some days may make us more vulnerable to them than others.

 

But because I had built a positive relationship with this song to my artistic explorations, I could tap back into those pleasant activities when I was deeply struggling with all the feelings of a crisis. It was the first time in a long time that I had caught myself before the crisis (Emotion Mind) took over and I was 100% safe. I was able to identify that talking over the phone with someone would help me and I needed some sense of direction to move forward. Whom I spoke to on the phone gave me enough reminders of my currently stable self that while I had urges I didn’t want to act on them.

 

So I didn’t.

 

I coped ahead, I used opposite action, I rewarded myself, I recognized the factors that make my life worth living and I gave myself credit for the work I’ve been doing over the last nine months and made it through the turbulence to get to the pretty view of the horizon. I’m not where I once was and if I come by there again, which may happen, I won’t leave it the same way as I once would have.

And that, my friends, is progress.


Written: Nov. 21.2018

Present day: 1/8/2019:

Hey everybody! This is an old article nowadays but I wanted to put it up since I’ve been avoiding it for the last 2 weeks, lol. I hope that you enjoyed it! Also, I do have ‘Somebody Who Cares’ up on my AO3 and FF.net accounts, links in my About the Author section, if you want to check them out!

I’m actually in the process of updating a bunch of fanfics in case that’s something that interests you! I will probably pop up another article tonight and type up my poem (the first one in over a year!) that I wrote yesterday at program during art therapy.

Today’s been weird in that I slept most of the day, so I didn’t get nearly as much done as I was hoping to but what can you do?

I have to still eat dinner, clean Galaxy’s cage, type fanfic, write fanfic, work on a few blog posts and maybe try to actually read some, oh, and answer messages. Any who, that’s what I’m up to!

Hope you’re all well!! ❤ ❤ ❤

PS does anyone else not see the line break when in progress of the post but it appears in the post itself later? Ugh, that’s annoying.

Treatment 101: OCD-Institute & ERP | Article F18

NEW Articles THUMB = 11.29.18

In preparing to write this article I had to do the one thing I’ve wanted to do for ages but never tried: reviewing some of my old journals and two red folders from my time three years ago in the OCD-Institute of McLean hospital. McLean offers one of the three major OCD facilities treating the disorder across the United States (and it’s a world-renowned program). The OCD-I is not a locked unit so I could actually leave the campus for dinner at Friendly’s with family but was expected to be back by, I’d guess 10PM, to sleep there overnight. Besides medication the most used tool for treating OCD is called Exposure and Response Prevention or ERP of which the goal is to expose the client to their distress related to OCD and refrain from using compulsions.

Because this took place three years ago, I can only describe what my experiences were like given my particular circumstance. I was first told about the OCD-I from the Counseling Center on campus as a potential treatment option for myself (at the time experiencing mostly OCD behaviors). Over the spring 2015 semester I transitioned to an OCD specialist therapist whom I saw twice a week for a year. I remember before I landed in my third hospitalization of 2015 I learned that the OCD-I had a three month wait list. The helplessness and hopelessness I felt at that moment was unbearable and led me to accruing more suicidal thoughts that I wanted to act on at the time. However, during my hospitalization I did begin to fill out the application and eventually sent it over to the OCD-I.

In fall 2015, I took a leave of absence from school as I got accepted into the OCD-I around October and stayed there for five weeks. Because it wasn’t a locked unit, we could have laptops and iPods and things to that effect (strings!). People who were dealing with OCD around cleaning or cooking were often the ones serving food and experiencing their ERPs firsthand. We had about four hours of ERPs each day and two hours of them on the weekends. We would often go out on the weekends into the Boston area to practice the skills we were learning at program to apply into the real world. The average stay for an individual was up to three months, but insurance often bottomed out before then. We would follow a set schedule–a goals oriented group in the morning while sitting in a circle, two hours of ERP and track A or track B specific groups, which for me, meant a mindfulness group on some days, intrusive thoughts group, expressive therapy, emotion regulation, and a motivation group.

I find it quite funny that I’ve found some DBT related worksheets from within these red folders that I didn’t realize would play such an important role in my treatment and recovery three years later.

My ERPs had involved exposing myself to methods that I had used in the past to harm myself, saying that I was going to use it to harm myself (which would produce distress) that I then had to shift gears completely from and “live my life. While living my life, I would have to practice mindfulness skills of defusion and practice staying in the moment. Living my life could include just about anything except sleeping and talking about suicide.”

If it sounds slightly warped and unethical, I did have to return the methods after the ERPs were over as they were keeping it behind the nurse’s station.

A few of my notable memories from this time period were some of the friendships that I made and rolling down a big hill out on the campus, “Fight Song” by Rachel Platten and “Stitches” by Shawn Mendes being songs that I danced to, practicing grounding techniques with one of the other clients, a client getting kicked out for stealing and a suicidal crisis that emerged from this consequence, my getting the chance to be my authentic self and make positive messages for the other clients, attending the OCD support group and a few notable lectures.

One of those lectures involved a client focusing on the whiteboard of their values while other clients played their intrusive thoughts. It was a harrowing and emotional experience and even though they cried, they kept their attention forwards and didn’t interact with the ‘thoughts’. Another involved what you would say if you had to give a last speech before you died and another was the memorable speech Alan Rabinowitz gave featured on The Moth titled: “Man and Beast” and the book “The Happiness Trap” which is about ACT.

And finally, there was a set of questions from the OCD-I’s surveys that always stuck with me:

“When I want to feel *more* positive emotions, I change the way I’m thinking” and “when I want to feel *less* negative emotions, I change the way I’m thinking.”

At the time, these two questions were the resounding hum of my treatment after I got released. And from there, well, the rest is history.


Article written: Nov. 21.2018

Present day A/N: I’m trying out the newer layout option and while it’s fancy and nice, I feel it’s also a little more complicated than complicated needs to be. Regardless, here I am.

I hope you guys enjoyed this post! Again, it’s from a while ago but soon I’ll be able to write my final 2 articles to share with you guys here (that I’ll be writing this month, just to clarify). Okay, I hope you’re all well!

I’m thinking I might return to the OCD support group that continues to meet every first Tues of the month as I haven’t gone in a year and I would like to reappear plus I now have a really, really good GPS to bust out. I might send them all an email, too, actually. 🙂 Interesting! ❤ ❤ ❤

I’m typing up my poem next to be uploaded tomorrow on here! 🙂

Stay safe!!! xxx

EDIT: I have no idea what happened but the new layout forced this post into the past and before my MoP one which makes no sense to me so that’s why there’s a discrepancy between the images used and the way the descriptions/A/N’s were written. Sorry about that!! Fucking WordPress.

Welcome Back: Bursting with Ideas ft. New Year’s Resolutions & Anti-Resolutions

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Welcome back, everyone!!!

It is currently January 6th (almost made a typo of 66th, whoops!) 2019. This is actually my first blog post of the new year–although I had planned for a few other posts (articles) to be added to the end of 2018 and even wrote the start of a couple of other 2019 posts without ever completely finishing them (2019 Resolutions & Anti-resolutions). But we’ll get back to that at the end!

It’s currently about one in the afternoon EST here and I’m trying to get back my writing vibe from fanfic stories and blogging and the like.

Today actually marks 4 years since my first suicide attempt, and I’ve made myself a busy schedule for the day to distract and cope through it effectively and skillfully. 🙂 I also wanted to spend this moment talking about all the ideas and inspiration that’s bursting forth from within my soul as well as share some haul photos of my endeavors yesterday and an overall life update about things and where I hope to go with my blog in the new year! So, let’s jump on in!


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It’s been a long time since I last properly blogged and a few things have changed since then. For instance,

  1. I graduated university with my BS in psychology
  2. I’ve been in stable recovery for 11 months (almost one complete year in February; the specific date is something I still have to check for sure though)
  3. I’ve acquired a new editing software (Adobe Premiere Elements) to help with the content I aim to create and explore on my Youtube channel
  4. I’ve been writing lots of fanfiction again
  5. I reorganized and redecorated my room
  6. I had good holidays! (Christmas & new year’s)
  7. I’m still attending my day program 3x/week
  8. The Mokeys has been good and wonderful and entertaining! 🙂

Back to my goals for the year:

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I just made this new THUMB above, so sorry if it’s not my bestest work  but it’ll do for the purposes of this portion of the post.

Any who, here are my new year’s 2019 resolutions (that I have actually written out on a little scrapbook paper from women’s group at program):

  1. Read 1 book each month for a total of at least 12 books for the year.
  2. Complete or work on a book or film review biweekly for about 26 submissions in the year overall. (If anyone out there can correct my math that’d be great, I just Googled it but might not be working with the right set of numbers, thanks!!)
  3. Blog more by returning to my blogging roots with 4 posts a month to start the year out at (so about one post a week).
  4. Film, edit and upload videos once or twice every two weeks (about twice a month).
  5. Continue writing more fanfics both new and old. Finish 1 or 2 stories by the end of the year.
  6. Secure a job by May – summer.
  7. Decrease the plunge of Deep Diving (Aim for 15 hours of Weekly Amount of Internet Usage)

Something you guys don’t know about completely, if you don’t follow me on Twitter or haven’t been closely following my articles from fall 2018, is that I’ve completely swooped my life around (haven’t you noticed that this particular blog post is extravagant and so different than what’s been uploaded for the last year? Holy shit, peeps!) with journaling my Score of the Day (SOtD) and Today’s Accomplishments (TA’s) every night before bed (and into the next day if I fall asleep beforehand); filling out my time and where I’m spending it each day in my planner (P); filling out my Diary Card (DC) from program tracking my mood, creativity, online usage, OCD behaviors (pulling/lip picking), self-harm/suicidality urges, number of candies consumed at Lights Out (LO) (as a behavior to prevent hair pulling at night); my trich papers (TP) and my 5 year journal (5YJ) which I got back in October 2018 which involves a little blurb about the day’s accomplishments.

So yeah, I do ALL OF THAT every single day.

With all of that tracking and with my tweeting on Twitter, I just grew away from blogging, pretty much.

I journaled every day since some time back in January 2018 for an entire year. Not always about SOtD’s and TA’s, but still. I went through 3 journals in last year alone. It started out darker than usual but then completely brightened up afterwards.

I think this is actually the first January in 5 years where I’m doing really, really well. I’ve been so stable and in recovery for nearly a year and it’s so, so, so amazing. It’s why I’ve been able to do so much every single day to uphold my sanity. I have grown in my pedestal and have found a way of consistently using DBT skills that I have a lot farther to fall and see all the little baby steps that are involved rather than just going straight from 0 to 100. It’s amazing. Honestly.

I have moments, moments I often share on Twitter, where I feel a swell of gratitude for everything I’ve done and managed to accomplish. Lately this weekend it’s been stability and fanfic writing. Being stable enough to be able to share my doubts and uncertainties, meaning and happiness into my fanfic stories.

I’ve built a palace, so to speak, with the foundations of everything I’m learning from program. And it’s brought my life around 360! I don’t know, I think it’s amazing and awesome and I’m so happy now. 🙂 Happy enough that yesterday I had that moment where there was that epic deal at Bath & Body Works for their semi-annual sale and I was smelling all the scents in their lotions, stockpiling a shit ton of them in a screen textured bag and was just so happy to be alive to smell all the smells and feel happy and good and everything about life and shopping, lol. But really though, I actually walked by Bath & Body Works to not go in, but smelled like a watermelon scent, turned around and then waltzed back in and found out they were having a big sale.

It was definitely a moment of self-indulgence and self-care, because now I have 4 new body lotions to play around with (they were 4 for what the price of just ONE would be! AKA they were $3 each rather than $12 each) 😀 Here are some pictures of the ones I got (I also filmed a video yesterday sharing this but that probably won’t be up online for another week or two):

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As you see with these first two, I just took the picture on my phone with all the background nonsense and then switched over to my bedspread in a more professional-esque wave of realization. They all smell sooooo good though!

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Ahaha, you can actually see me in the reflection of the cap! 🙂

But today, when I shower, which I’ll be doing after I eat lunch which happens after I put this post up, early by the way, I’m going to use the ‘Fresh seasalt mango’ lotion on my hands/body. 🙂

Actually, a new thing I’ve been doing since last year, maybe around June 2018, is putting on this vanilla almond foot cream and pretty as a peach body lotion on my bum (because I’ve gained weight I’m having to finally deal with some pretty prominent stretch marks). But I like putting on lotion and smelling nice. My Mom had gotten a bunch of new shower gels so I get to smell all sorts of fancy lately! I normally don’t like lotion because of the slickness of it afterward but once it dries it’s okay, I will probably warm up to it more in the future. But these are all good self-care measures and relaxation measures (the last little booklet I’ll be making for myself).

Additionally, yesterday my family and I went to the mall and my parents played bowling while I went shopping and spent time on the comfortable couches writing some fanfiction for Chapter 9 of Severed. That was fun! Here are the two other things I got:

It’s an Avengers logo keychain (which I will be putting on my car keys) that I eyeballed last month at this nerdy Japanese store now in the mall and an impromptu buy of a mini Crazy Aaron’s thinking putty in the snow angel type which is a sparkling rainbow iridescent gray which is so pretty. I love the tiny tins personally, and a friend from school is the person who got me into them as fidget toys, and the tiny cans I find work best with my fingers and hands (I have the glow in the dark Northern Lights one but it’s so thick and big that it will make the muscles in my hands ache after a bunch of threading and pulling). 🙂

You know, another accomplishment I had in the last month was that I went TWO WEEKS without pulling at all. That was awesome. 😀

Oh! Two last things I wanted to mention:

  1. I define my Internet Usage separate from my Deep Dive time–which is mainly Youtube stuff. AKA Deep Diving is primarily involved with Youtube mindless consumption where I go to just “watch one video” to it being three hours later and I’ve ‘Deep Dived’. Internet usage besides that would be productive websites like Twitter, FF.net, AO3 and WordPress or DeviantART. Or Canva (where I do my graphic designs). Some of the Deep Dive can also be me checking up on people I follow that are not doing well mentally which in turn makes me feel all sorts of sad. 😦
  2. My anti-resolutions!

So, at program, one of the art therapists defined anti-resolutions as things you want to keep the same and maintain into the new year! Here are mine:

  1. Maintain my stability by continuously choosing to use DBT skills in an effective manner.
  2. Upkeep my journaling and tracking progresses through DC, J, 5YJ, P and TP.
  3. Add working on journals (free thought writings or even blogging topics like what I look for in a job/career, what are positive qualities about myself etc.) and workbooks (in my possession) 1-2 times a week.
  4. Continue with my NAMI involvement in particular IOOV and peer to peer mentoring.
  5. Continue creating art through various mediums.
  6. Continue to grow in my recovery
  7. Spend time each week (about 3 hours) working on my projects and ideas for the future and researching where applicable.

Which, ultimately, brings me back to where this post started out! I have a LOT of ideas, mainly art related ones, ones that I’ve shared with you guys in the past, and I’d really, really like to revisit them and add to them and change them up and everything. Here are my ideas for that, too:

  • I want to write and publish books (a novel, a memoir, a workbook (Recovery Home), a collection of all my Mass Media articles (Titled Recovery: In Progress), a positive and recovery and art filled book, as I’ve seen mindfulness books and gratitude books like that that exist too)
  • I want to create a nonprofit organization named RecoverytoWellness where all of my ideas come from and are based in. Along these lines, I’ll need a mission statement and a website and people who follow it all.
  • I want to create Recovery Restoration, the dream being to collect pro-recovery based artwork by individuals with lived experience who create positive art pieces that are collected in photo albums and donated to psychiatric inpatient units. I’d like to start compiling these creations/photo albums with my own artwork primarily and an about the artist section and what it is about and where to follow me and my mission. I have a couple prototypes (and more to start giving away and figuring out what pieces are more positive and honest than others that might be too triggering) although I haven’t completely fleshed out the idea or worked on it much from its conception.
  • I want to create cards of hope and positivity with my friends from program to donate them to psychiatric inpatient units so people inside can get support and guidance for resources and help outside of the unit. (This one is new and I’m not sure why I didn’t think of it sooner but it’s in part inspired from giving care baskets to cancer patients etc. and also popped in my head after listening to a Joel Osteen speech)
  • Along with this, I’d like to work with inpatient psych units to provide things like books to read or coloring supplies like crayons and such.
  • I’d like to return to blogging and engaging with the communities I do have currently online and work to create larger ones to create even more of an impact. This means getting more involved in Youtube creations and the community there and reading and engaging with other bloggers and blog posts.
  • I also want to flesh out the Recovery Home idea and continue using the hashtag RtW which is my signature for my art making through the form of the cards, positive messages etc.
  • I also want to continue leaving kindness and compassion wherever I go through the positive messages and leaving them where people can find them, etc.

Additionally, I’m going to be working with @Mental_Live from Twitter for World Mental Health Day which is Oct 10 by sharing my story through their website and possibly Youtube videos and creating graphic designs for them.

So, yeah, these are all the ideas I have right now. I am now VERY hungry and look forward to munching on some food soon and seeing where this year takes me, genuinely. I have a LOT of research to be doing and I’ll definitely have more posts to come soon, including some leftover articles and 2 new articles I have yet to fully write.

Eventually, by summer-ish I will be getting a job and before then it’s a lot of preparation and playing around with everything so I’m going to have a lot of time on my hands to build these projects and write fanfic and edit videos before I am ready as ready as can be to start a job. I also plan to get re-certified for my advocacy in NAMI which I can also work on (and if I stay away from Deep Dives I should be able to accomplish a lot–including BOOK and FILM reviews that I want to bring back into my daily life) soon and something else that I totally can’t recall at the moment. Oh yeah, I will probably try to get paid writing work done too (like from the place which inspired me to start my blog 3 years ago in May).

I want to additionally bring film/book reviews to my Youtube channel and Lessons Learned Lectures, sharing my journal entries and creating a path of well, creating and hope and light and love and kindness and compassion.

Okay, I’m definitely even hungrier now and it’s been an hour of writing. So I think it’s time for me to switch songs, I’ve been listening to ‘Praying’ by Kesha this whole time, and dream big and start figuring out where I want to start at all.

So, if you have ANY ideas, let me know down in the comments!! I’d love to read your thoughts and figure out together where this can all go and lead to. ❤ I know I have peeps who’ve created some of the things I hope to one day create so I can definitely get some support for that in the future too.

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR READING AND PUTTING UP WITH ALL MY EXCITEMENT.

I love you guys and hope you’re doing well! ❤ ❤ ❤

I’ll just leave this here…