It started out today with me having fallen asleep again during the afternoon while battling through intense rounds of boredom and lack of interest in pretty much everything. I was not without things to do, however. I could have read a book that I’ve been putting off for a couple of months (fearing that I’m not in the right head space to gather every concept and understanding of it, putting down page flag after page flag, being stuck in my perfectionism); I could have written creatively for my fan fiction stories, but I felt void of either endeavor.
So I slept for an hour and a half, as a way to pass the time.
And I woke at 4p rejuvenated and ready to take on the (rest of the) day. I ate a late lunch then wandered back into my bedroom, unsure how to proceed.
I didn’t have any writing vibes and I didn’t have the interest to read. I could even have started reading my assignment for tomorrow at Weekend Planning but I felt the same obstacles against me for why I didn’t turn towards the book. So I picked up my iPod, even though I’ve gotten bored with the music I listen to nowadays (the same songs on repeat), and I heard “For Your Entertainment” by Adam Lambert fill my ears.
It made me smile because years and years ago I had this dark!Wilson from House MD fan fiction story idea where Wilson is secretly a serial killer with House as his roommate in their studio apartment and he’s secretly hiding the bodies of strippers in their house. The song was meant to be quoted throughout the story as part inspiration and part storytelling. Wilson would pick his victims and kill them at the apartment and at the end of the story, House finds out and we think that he’s going to stop Wilson (as does the woman in question) but House winds up joining in instead. :O I know it’s a little elaborate and fucked up but it was still a good story idea.
This then reminded me of my friend Vanessa, when I told her about how I had a really old House fanfic idea from back in the day that I never finished, who asked if I had the link to that story (she thought I had published it). At this moment, I wondered if I could find it, in that old green notebook I had when I started the story several, several years ago.
So, with the song in tow–although for a different fanfic–I dared to go through my writing box which is more so a place of where all my creative writing and other artsy things like drawing and photography are housed.
And I found it, actually. It’s no longer in the notebook but loose leaf pages of pencil scratch. It’s from 2011. And I’m going to finish it. I actually, thank god, still have the notes of the plot line attached so that’ll make it easier for me to work with the characters and such again (especially since I don’t have to rely fully on my fuzzy memory).
And I’m going to write that “For Your Entertainment” fic too. I just have to do my research and remember the characters more to write them effectively and in character.
But it all reminded me, as I scoped through various folders (lots of nice folders, even) of poems and short stories how much I had forgotten how creative I used to be. I used to be able to create elaborate plot lines of original work and original characters and flow and emotion and on topics that I had never even experienced myself but felt as though I were channeling by some other person renting space in my skull.
I forgot how amazing that was, how I was. I forgot how I didn’t always just write about myself and my experiences but of people and places and things that never occurred to me in reality yet I could paint so perfectly that it’s questionable if I hadn’t experienced it.
I’ve been writing creatively since I was 9 years old. That’s 16 years ago. I got into writing poetry in 2007, writing primarily prose until then. I have so many works on my deviantART account from way back in the day. And I have even more that I’d forgotten about that never made it quite to the computer screen.
So I’m going to revive them. I’m going to bring them back to life. And I’m going to share through this blog my previous creative works of fiction (and some nonfiction). I’m going to make some thumbs for poetry and prose respectively and we’re gonna have fun with this.
I have yet to completely sift through everything I uncovered but I’m excited. There are some particular stories and characters that are darker than most (and thus will come with necessary trigger warnings) and some of it I have to really fix up before or while I type them and before I publish them, but overall I’m excited.
I guess, it’s not that I lost the creative ability, it just got buried a little deeper. But I’m hopeful that I can reignite it and share that with all of you reading this. It’s worth a shot at least.
It’s funny because going through these papers I remembered how I would see and engage with things in life or online (say, on deviantART, someone else’s photograph or my own) and be able to write creatively about them (and I know I have tons of previously unfinished or completed works regarding this theme) but yeah, I had also forgotten about this detail and how I don’t necessarily do that as much anymore.
Part of this exploration is mourning the loss of what things once were, I’m finding. But maybe, just like with photography, I can expand and explore and reignite the passion that was once so prominent.
My goal is to work on these pieces and upload TuTh’s with creative works to my blog and update my DA where relevant with the newly revised works. Some of them will be finished for the first time and others will be just typed up as they were (unless I’m able to channel some new vibes and add to them present day wise).
Also, I think it’s important to note that in creating a blog itself and when I have written blog posts that those can be works of art and creative writing endeavors themselves. I don’t think in the bulk of this text, I was giving myself enough credit for that. I think my writing has evolved in many ways and some of it, I’m finding, hasn’t stayed with me all the way but I think I can work on regaining that. Especially nowadays with how stable I am, I think it’s something I’m ready to explore again with a whole new focus, idea and perspective. Plus, reading more when I can actually do so will help with this too, and I’m still writing fanfics too, which is another form of creative writing. Plus I wrote a poem recently so that’s some too. I guess, in dealing with my mental health conditions I lost a lot of that original work of plots and characters yet at the same time it’s probably more accurate to say that they stepped away for a bit and I’m starting the process of rediscovering them all.
I also have some classic old writing pieces in mind that I can share with you guys. And articles, in a way, were just different forms of journaling. When I write fanfic stuff these days, it’s a flow of consciousness which is reflective in my articles and may be a little different than how I used to process writing in the past. I just figured I’d add this notion before fully leaving this post.
For now, that’s all I have to say.
Life is…interesting, to say the least.
I’m curious to see where this takes us. 🙂
xxxx ❤ ❤ ❤