So, I’m unveiling this new thing for me to do each Thursday where I just sit down to blog and share my hopes, dreams and positivities with the world in the hopes that someone out there, either struggling or not, will come by it and be soothed with my words of comfort and light.
Now that I’m out of school and have been for the entirety of this year thus far, (not that I’m planning to go back any time soon, either, I might add) I don’t have as much easy access to sharing myself and my hope for humanity with the world, which really just means I have to be more inventive and creative with how I share and spread my kindnesses.
With that said, I have been severely neglecting my blogging experience, my blog itself, as well as other various social media accounts.
For that, I truly apologize.
Right now, I don’t know exactly what my hours will be for work, so I imagine that I will write my weekly Thursday posts either on a Monday or a Wednesday or a Sunday the week before. Luckily, my main working days will be Tu, Th and Sat, so that should still give me some freedoms and controls on the days surrounding them. Meaning, mainly, that I’ll have time, it’s just going to be more structured and flexible time.
My Internet addiction is going to be kicked to the way side which is both parts liberating and nauseating (or maybe I’m already just feeling nauseated xD). It will give me more focused time to do what I want, however, rather than what my addiction wants me to do. It will be a rocky transition, for sure, though. But I’ll get out of the house more and I’ll be facing my driving anxieties head on. Just hopefully not into oncoming traffic. ❤
Overall, life’s been really good.
I’ve been working on reading some books, watching some films, and the processes of reviewing/analyzing them both in equal parts. I’ve been making a LOT of progress and gaining a lot of attention from some of my fanfics (Distorted & Disordered, A Little Unsteady, If I Only Could, Come to Pass and finally, Severed) across both fanfiction.net and AO3. 🙂 I’m especially proud that D&D is getting more traffic, I’ve always wished for that (it’s my mental health fanfic) and ALU was getting the majority of it for a while, but now they’re evening out together, which is lovely.
I still have tons of old blog posts to
review revive for you guys. Bunches of book reviews, film reviews, fanfic discussions, old articles from last semester, the works–really.
I started getting back into filming and video editing, which is a miracle in and of itself. I juggle a lot more these days than I used to, I feel. Some things I try to do in increments, others I have the urge to do and complete all in one but I usually can’t. I’ve gotten better at switching tasks though so I don’t get as burnt out. For instance, I’ll be working on a book review then after an hour switch to reading or switch to coloring and filming, etc.
I actually just saw “Spider-man: Far from Home” today, it was really good, I felt. Maybe I will have a vent piece all about that soon, too.
I’d like to begin again on my blog and my social media accounts. At the same time, I have plenty of documents I have to fill and actual paid work I need to get done, too. It’s a balance, for sure, and I’m not entirely sure I’m all that great at balancing it all.
I’m hanging out with a friend this Sunday for what might be a bi-weekly make-up session. I have to upload contents from my camera where David and I went to a festival onto my computer in the hopes that I can film some of this make-up stuff on my camera, along with my laptop. Basically, my friend, whom I have yet to name here, is licensed in cosmetology and enjoys the make-up artist portion of it rather than the hair stuff, so for them to have someone to practice on and for us to hang out in general will be fun!! Maybe if, or when, my channel picks up more headway, they can be discovered and they can get some feedback and interest in their own social media stuff and everything. A person can dream, right?
Since we’re heading full circle here… I’ll get into the meaning of this particular Thumb Thursday, er, thumb and some of the reason as to why I made it, plus a song lyric that it makes me think of as well. And then I will end with how my blogging style has seemed to transform since I stopped writing for my uni’s newspaper.
Okay, so, I honestly forget how much I mentioned it to you guys online, mostly on Twitter but for my blog purposes as well.
My close friend, Vanessa, from my day program made a very severe suicide attempt back at the start of June 2019. She actually went into the ICU and a coma for quite a few days. She’s alive now, and she’s doing better and worse day by day, let’s be honest, she’s still struggling and she’s still trying to find purpose and mattering in her world. I wrote her a poem, actually, that none of you will probably ever read because I don’t plan on posting it (maybe not in full, at least) unless things take a turn for the worst and she passes. For now, it’s for her eyes and mine, as well.
I can tell you the gist of it: it was a poem (4 pages in length) where I mentioned how she’s impacted my life, the little reminders I have of her implanted within my existence and that, while I wouldn’t agree, I understand it’s her choice to do what she wants with her life, even if that means not being here anymore.
It’s heavy, I know. And there’s some radical acceptance in the fact that I cannot control what other people do. I can do everything in my power to help but I cannot fix others, I cannot save others, and if they truly wish to save themselves, they have that ability to do so. Otherwise, I’m as helpless as the next person.
I can be there to listen and guide and praise and remind them of hope, yet ultimately that final decision is theirs. Sometimes people don’t make it through suicidal thoughts. Sometimes, even with all the help in the world, we still lose our loved ones. It doesn’t make it right, it doesn’t mean it’s not foreign and wrong in so many ways, it’s, frankly, reality.
Of course I don’t want to lose Vanessa. Of course I don’t want to lose you, reader, and I don’t want to lose myself either. I just know how hard this world can be to live in. And sometimes the pain is so blindingly bright that it seems like the only way out.
Yet, it’s not.
Life is …. a very strange and confusing thing. And it’s absolutely worth surviving all the bad days, all the bumps and bruises and scars we may accrue upon our journey. Because it DOES get better. It DOES get easier to handle, it DOES yield to an amazing transformation and deep levels of potential compassion for other human beings, even when we’ve been wronged so deeply in the past.
Kindness is given most often from the very souls that were damaged the most by hatred.
But kindness reigns. There is good yet in people. There is brightness in the world that still exists. This darkness will not last forever.
Your life matters.
Your voice is worth sharing.
You are inspiring.
You could be someone one day. And if you hold on for a little while longer, you’re giving not only yourself that chance to shine but others around you and who have yet to meet you that chance as well.
So, please, ask for help. Please be vulnerable, because it is in our vulnerabilities that we are the strongest. Sharing our hurt with others makes us stronger than lying and meagerly getting through each day with a mask.
I’ve been given the opportunity to make a difference in this world, and you are no different to that rule. I’ve been given–no, I’ve WORKED for a stability in life that I hadn’t experienced in years. I’ve been born with a voice to speak out from the darkness and tell others, whoever will listen, that I am here, that I am alive, that everything will somehow work out and be okay and that it really, really does get better.
But don’t let me be the only person thinking that–find others who believe in you and believe in your soul, too. Find others who will lift you up. Find others who you can feel safe with. Find others who you can share your pain with. Find them–because they’re out there. They are. And you’re worth it. You’re worth the world.
While Vanessa is still in the hospital, and my make-up artist friend went in one too, while all this was happening, I also found out about the tragic passing of a talented Youtube content creator by the name of Etika.
I’m sorry, Etika, that you struggled so deeply and felt there was no other way out of your pain. I did not know of you until after your death, and I wish I could have been someone to help you. I wish I could have helped to turn on the light for you. Because you deserved to live this life and find happiness and peace, because it did exist, it existed within you so, sooo much. And now that you’re gone… I hope that we can take cruel lessons from this tragedy in the aim to prevent other struggling souls from wreaking the pain in their hearts to all those around them.
Because you will impact others when you go so soon.
It’s the nature of humanity.
I believe, honestly, in empathy. I believe that we go through pain in order to help others out there struggling, who may be reaching that point too, who we may be able to help prevent from feeling it all at once. I believe in people. And maybe that’s blind, maybe that’s naive, but it’s my belief. And I believe in you. I believe you’re going to make it through this extraordinarily difficult time. I believe in the lightness. I believe in the brightness. I believe.
Genuinely, I don’t believe there’s a soul in existence who will refuse to mourn for you if you leave this earth too soon. I mean, maybe there’s someone, somewhere in history who won’t. Maybe that’s true.
Yet I think more people than you can ever begin to imagine will notice your disappearance. They will notice your missing smile, your missing happiness, your missing wisdom, your missing authenticity. More people will mourn for you than you could ever possibly imagine.
So, please, please, try to hold on for another second, another minute, another day. And you’ll get to where you wanted to be at in your life, just not six feet under. And that’s soooo hard, that’s soooo exhausting, and when you make it to the top of the hill overlooking the beautiful sunrise, you will smile and you will be so very, very glad that you’re still here to smile and to experience all the bright, magical things about life.
Because they’re out there.
And so are you.
So please stay.
The song lyric that came to my mind when I made this thumb:
“You matter more than all the stars in the sky”
Lastly, this production was brought to you by the hope that better days are ahead, the hope that recovery is possible, that symptom management is a thing and that we can all go out into the world and be someone that we’re proud of, someone that we’re happy to be, someone that can bring change and beauty once again to this world.
So, go out there and be that person. Be kind, be brave and most importantly, be you.
With love and light,
(AKA Your fellow survivor radiating badassery 😉 )
PS: Without writing for the newspaper these days I find I take on blog posts as lengthy and thoughtful assignments. I kind of look at them as large tasks. …Maybe I can work on breaking this down better for myself, too. We’ll see, ahaha.
Also, this post is powered to you by: “Bad Liar”/”Rise Up” by Imagine Dragons. 🙂
Post written: 7/4/2019
PPS: I meant to add this at the end but I forgot for an hour…
USA National Suicide Prevention Lifeline #: 1800 273 8255
Other helpful resources: