So I have this thing that I’ve only ever alluded to in previous blog posts and certainly not to this magnitude but I’ll be honest in this post to say aloud and admit:
Hi, I’m Raquel and I’m a cardiophile.
I mean, I feel like my fanfics “A Little Unsteady” & “My Heart Beats, Too” already covered this area pretty well but you know, I wanted to do a blog post all about it so–if you’re bothered by anatomical human hearts, first: sorry because you already saw one at the start and second: stay away from this post then because I’m putting a SHIT TON OF THEM in here. Lmao
So, as far as a story goes…
It all began when I was seven years old and I peeked at my first echocardiogram and saw my little ticker going at it. I don’t know, something about hearing the musical notes of this fluffy red organ just sparked high amounts of interest in me that has followed me until this day.
My immense amounts of curiosity trailed me down the route of becoming a cardiologist one day, especially after I started to watch a lot of House MD (a USA TV show, you’ve probably heard of it, honestly).
But, as the fates were, I never went to medical school and could barely pass the chemistry course part two in university after it took fifty shots of steroids and came to ruin my GPA. Not that I’m bitter about it, clearly. 😉
I don’t know, I always was just so fascinated by the organ, even more so than the brain (although we ALL know how fascinating the brain is, too!). Maybe it’s because the heart makes a sound. The brain doesn’t necessarily make sounds. Stupid brain.
But I guess it’s like a fascination to have with life itself, even. I mean, for sure without a brain we couldn’t exist (and even then, how the HELL do jellyfishes exist??!!) but without a heart, can there really be progress?
I mean, I think the human body let alone every little organism on the planet Earth (especially those micro-organisms that exist out there trying to kill us all the time) is fascinating in their own rights and in their own ways.
I feel like I’m infatuated with the idea of life and disillusioned by the infinitely numerous ways we can be erased and taken out of existence at any given moment of time and the harsh reality that once we’re done here, we’re done and is there anything beyond? But even if there were, would we really be able to consciously experience it? I don’t know, death is so strange and unrelenting and one day you’re there and the next…poof! As though you were never there to start with.
Let’s not forget the amount of space in the universe as well. Hence why I went with a cosmic theme for this thumb, yes, you’re welcome, it is lovely, thank you, thank you. Made on Canva! That’s for sure! 🙂
Space is a weird and intangible concept, yes? The idea that there are thousands of planets and aliens and discoveries yet to be found out there is like thinking about how deep the ocean is and what lurks hideously beneath the surface. *shudders* Eeeuuugh, let’s not, and get back to hearts, okay?
I’ve shared with you the origins of it but I skipped some stuff, so I’ll mention it now.
I can remember clearly that I, in high school–but also beyond that in university and some day to day considerations of it–would have that sudden moment of recognition that the lecturer before me had this beating organ giving them life and I’d like to imagine it working and pumping away in there all by its lonesome, near the lungs and that god damn gallbladder (what does that even do?).
Then I’d have the realization that EVERYONE in that room had one too, and so did I! And it was weird but in a really kinda cool way.
I think when you really think about it, it’s amazing how our bodies work and the basic similarities we all have YET also all the differences we have as well.
But IS it a fetish?
That’s what you’re wondering, I bet.
And I haven’t mentioned it until now, either. A CLIFFHANGER!
Honestly, for myself...sometimes but not always.
I only find it sexually pleasing and potentially arousing (remember my sex education is as good as a 5%…out of 100%, yeah, not the best so this is only a basic estimation of what I’m assuming is sexual pleasure and desire [*to myself* ewwww, sex]) when it’s a fast heartbeat.
Which opens up the other can of worms–do I seek out videos regarding cardiophile things? Am I on secret forums?
I mean, I don’t know how secret they are, but I don’t have an account on any because that’s a load of work I’m not interested or involved in opening up.
I have watched and listened to heartbeat related things before. I wouldn’t go out to stethoscope another person
(yet, I mean who knows, maybe one day, I’ve seen shit about that before, not gonna lie) let alone my own damn self, but hey, it’d be kind of cool while also humiliating and terrifying and embarrassing.
But, great otherwise!!
Which opens yet another realm: how taboo is it to have a thing for hearts and all things heart related?
I mean, it’s a functioning (mostly) organ that does its job transporting blood vessels and cells and things all around the body, which is awesome. And it makes sounds, hehe! Plus it can change rates–and why do I sound like a sales pitch here?
I personally find the topic vastly intriguing and also very embarrassing to talk about. It makes me squeamish, really. Just squeamish to mention to doctors or people or the Internet…. you know, just bleeehh-eeeugh.
BUT IT’S THERE AND I CAN’T IGNORE IT FOREVER.
And should I have to, though? Probably not. I’ll be real. It’s probably just something that makes me me. And if people don’t like it, I guess they just don’t like it. Not much else I can do about it than that.
So I will go back and write my cardiophile-related fanfic stories and insert other poetic and lively metaphors and heart mentions within all other parts of my creative exploration within this world.
I mentioned years ago when I was self-harming in this and a little more complicated way, but while I still am haunted by dreams of re-engaging in that behavior, I haven’t actually and it’s been at least 2 years. I won’t go into details, but I thought I’d mention it, I guess? I don’t know, made more sense in my head, ahaha.
Ultimately though, while I like to be soothed by the vast nature of listening to someone or something’s heartbeat (I like to listen to my doggo’s :3), it’s pretty innocent in nature. And god only knows how much heart related (although, I’ll admit, not anatomically correct) stuff we get shoved down our throats either with heart health information or Valentine’s day arrangements or candy hearts or jewelry and all the “follow your heart” related quotes and lovey-dovey stuff that also exists, too.
Who knows, maybe one day it won’t be so squeamish for me to talk about it.
I’m not gonna talk about it on film though! Not for a long, long time.
Text is fine for now, geez! Don’t get so ahead of yourself there, junior.
But, I am done now. That is the END of this post but not the end of this life, not yet and hopefully not for a long time. 🙂
I hope that you enjoyed this story
AND NONE OF IT WAS TRUE, I kid, I kid. And I hope someone else out there feels a little less squeamish and a little less alone.
We’re all just hearts beating in (sometimes) unison. 🙂
Thanks for reading!!
Check out all the file links that I pretty much just got off of Google! Have fun and stay safe, peeps. ❤ ❤ ❤
Also, I’m gonna add this one last thing: I also totally look for and admire other people’s venous patterns (did you know they’re as unique as our fingerprints? It’s amazing) and other such related things but yeah, that’s all, I’m going to go hide now until I write another post to push this one down! XD
Thanks though!!! 😀