I think sometimes we have to work with where we’re at.
Not before, not after, but right in the middle.
This post is going to be uncomfortable for me, because I’m going to challenge the notion that I HAVE to (by my own rules, no less) write LONG blog posts, that I cannot justify writing a blog post that’s 100 or 500 words long, that anything less than 1K or more is just not possible, not feasible, not ENOUGH.
Additionally, I am doing this post late at night. Not my ideal circumstances at all. I’m tired, I want to sleep soon and I have to get up early tomorrow for program and my job is being difficult and stressful and it brings up a lot of stuff for me that’s very uncomfortable and unfortunate.
So, let’s talk about that for a minute.
My first day was Saturday 7/13. It went, if you follow me on Twitter or know me in real life, less than well. It was A LOT of driving in unfamiliar places and a lot of anxieties were faced and I kinda burnt out in the middle of it and wanted the ULTIMATE AVOIDANCE levels AKA meaning I wanted to die. The entire time. It was great!! (*Note the serious level of sarcasm here*)
I wanted to quit, I wanted to run away, I definitely wanted the experience to be over, I wanted to hide, but really, I wanted to die. And it was all the intense feelings present with NO suicide planning at all, which is reminiscent to how it was back in my last semester of college. Thanks, DBT!
But I entered a new arena:
Where I don’t feel “sick enough” to require a hospitalization. And that brings up bad tastes in my mouth, because I distinctly remember a time 5 years ago where I went for help at the Counseling Center on a Friday and was not an imminent danger to myself so there wasn’t much they could do so they sent me home. And I remember I had faced a fork in the road:
I could either choose recovery or I could choose to become “more serious” (more severe may be a better way of wording that).
So, what did I do?
I chose the latter and got my ass hospitalized the coming Monday.
But I don’t really want that now, five years into the future. But I think I’m mourning the fact that I don’t get to go to a hospital. Because I am safe. And being safe doesn’t equate to being in the hospital. Like, people go to the hospital when they’re unsafe to be safe.
And even though I have all the FEELINGS there, and urges somewhat too, I’m NOT unsafe. So, does that mean I can’t go to the hospital?
I guess not, right?
I mean, I know that hospitals are the places to go to for stabilization, medication adjustments, safety concerns, etc.
But I’m getting ahead of myself–Sat was a hard shift and I had to end it early. I legit cried the entire way home (and I hung out with David for a while after which helped immensely by the way (his Mom gives great hugs!) and I got to pet his cats and go by the beach and laugh and enjoy myself, it was really lovely, when we parted ways he gave me a big hug and told me to stay safe too, which was really sweet and compassionate, just FYI) and had a MASSIVE pep talk from my parents after when I showed back up and we chatted a bunch, I cried, I pet The Mokeys and watched “A Dog’s Purpose”. It took me until about Monday to re-stabilize out. I also made a chain analysis for it, too.
My therapist may have picked a terrible time (for me) to get married. XD
Tu 7/16: I faced another work shift, only 3 hours, and we spent it easily at the movie theater to see “Crawl” (2019) (which I will review soon!) and it was an easy day and not very complicated and it went great. Loved the job again!
Today, Th 7/18: I hate the job again. I met with my supervisor before I headed over and we went to the Z Mall (which is pretty abandoned by this point) and it was okay, but the caregivers of my client were really pushing my boundaries for travel areas (Boston) and such and for events that I’m unwilling and uncomfortable doing plus the additional hours that ARE within my cluster but that are difficult to judge and implement with the timing of my other commitments and the availability of my client.
So, I got a bit stressed out and wanted to die again so there’s that. And I cried a little on the way home but no where near as bad as Sat.
Ultimately, it is my decision. We’re doing problem solving in DBT-I right now so I’m gonna do it on this situation but I’ll probably give it 2 months before I quit. I think there is the driving aspect of it and the behavioral aspect of it and I struggle with balancing BOTH of those (whereas if I didn’t have driving anxieties I wouldn’t have to worry about that). I know I can get more involved with NAMI work but my Mom isn’t happy about that, either.
I’d like to give it 6 months but that might be unrealistic. And I don’t know if it’s really worth it all. I’m thinking the mileage isn’t, as 2/3 of my travel time/cost wouldn’t be covered by the agency. But then it’s like, do I want to gain some experience? Would working with another client closer be better? What other hours could I put in? All that jazz.
But as of right now, I’m gonna wait a couple more weeks before I make my final decision. Sorry, I’ve gotten tired again, another wave of it, and I think I may have to tap out for now.
I guess, some things don’t have easy answers.
I wish love were enough to not let, not allow, people with (or without, even) mental health conditions end their lives. I wish love were a force to be more reckoned with, a hug so tight and pervasive that it couldn’t be argued otherwise that it didn’t exist.
But just know that you are loved. As the thumb says, with all the love hearts across it. I know that I am loved. I know that my mental health is my first priority. I know that while this job may turn out to be not the right fit for me at this time, it could be better fitting in the future.
And that either way, I’ll find a job I can do, that I’m competent at and that I enjoy and love as much as anything else. Maybe that’s in advocacy, maybe that’s elsewhere. And I guess I have to come to acceptance of taking myself where I’m at and not where I think I should be or how much further along I feel I should be.
So, feelings be damned, I say! And I’ll keep plugging away. Reminded daily of where I’m at in my recovery and where I want to be next. And maybe, maybe in the end, that is all that matters.
I’ve been aching to write some fanfic this week, so I hope to do that soon! I have updated D&D this past week, which was awesome! I’ve also had family therapy which is great. But I really have to go and somehow this managed to be 1K words, sigh. Maybe next time?
Thank you so much for reading all of this!!! ❤ ❤ ❤
Background song: “Do Not Go Gentle” by Josh Woodward (yet another song to mention in a future post).