Life Update – End of August, Plans for Sept. 2019

---

I’ve been neglecting this blog for far too long.

I apologize for that.

Also for another missing in action Thumb Thursday.

I do want to do so much more with this blog again in the future but for right now, I’m tired and have much I have to catch up on in real life, so I’m going to bullet this entry and then head to sleep within the next hour (it’s 10:30p EST).

So, here we go:

1. The trip to Germany/Austria went swimmingly and I coped with skills super effectively, and used interpersonal effectiveness skills and dealt with situations that brought up intrusive thoughts/images more masterfully than I’ve ever done before. There were bumps of course yet I didn’t act on any of my urges. 🙂
2. Because of this, I also spent 10 days without Youtube for the first time in a LONG, LONG time (I have a Youtube addiction). I only checked Twitter twice in the span of 30 mins and even then I felt a lot more guilt about it than I thought I would be.
3. Having so much time off of Youtube meant that I lulled myself to sleep with old meditations (I actually still need/want to download some new ones to my iPod), music and either used music during the day or went without it for the majority of the time. I also wrote A SHIT TON of fanfic. Which was awesome (and still continuing!)
4. I typed up my handwritten pages for ALU and updated it this past Sun. I also worked on IIOC, S, had D&D in progress anyways and just finished another chapter for TWBtE which is aweeeesome. I hope to publish this by tomorrow on FF.net and AO3.
5. Upon my return I got actually pretty excited to go back to program and people there don’t annoy me as much as they had beforehand XD
6. I’ve been to therapy a few times since (June, T at program etc)
7. I have to reorganize my room like a motherfucker
8. I watched some movies and did some film review/analysis/commentary notes! 🙂
9. I started to read a little again
10. I had a NAMI presentation this past Sat and it went all right
11. Plans I made with David fell through on Sun and I went off the deep end (almost literally because Deep Dives on Youtube) but I made up for it later and especially so this week as I’ve stayed off the video sharing website pretttttty, pretty well. 🙂
12. Tu I went on more of a MCU Deep Dive, not sure I’m calculating that to be honest, but it led to me reading through others fanfics/some of my own and that was AWESOME.
13. Wed I started to write another chapter for TWBtE which I haven’t updated since last year.
14. Today I finished that chapter, listened to LOTS of music, went on a walk with my Dad and Mokeys, filmed two takes of a video, took a shower, worked on some job apps, read fanfic in place of going on Youtube but I was on Youtube once or twice here and there (largely uninterested in it, though, yay)
15. Also, I think Mon I filmed a video too and started to edit some as well 😀
16. I’ve also hung out with friends here and there, too, of course!
17. And finally, one of the reasons I’m posting this entry today:
    1. I’m in the process of creating a Youtube video and blog post under the name of “26 Random Acts of Kindness to Celebrate 26 Years of Life”.
    2. I’m giving myself 5 days to 1 week to accomplish it (the giving stuff out portion that is), filming the prep, clips before and after etc. (not the interaction itself), and am going to be doing this largely on Saturday Aug 31st when my friends David, Madeline and John go up to Boston to celebrate David’s and mine’s birthday month! 🙂
    3. I’ve come up with about 16 ideas so far (with help from a website I have linked on my Twitter but am too tired to link here, sorry, it will be in the official post however!) and will get support around how to count/categorize the entries/acts themselves from my day program.
    4. So yeah, I am very, very excited for this day and it’s going to be SO MUCH fun just in general and with an added kindness to the table.

Welp, that’s all I can fit for right now. I hope it was enjoyable and you get some kind of sneak peek into what’s to come, largely:

• Book reviews/analyses
• Film reviews/commentaries (Film Friday’s)
• Old articles still
• Thumb Thursday’s
• Life updates
• Art
• Recovery Projects
• Tags/Awards
• Fanfics/topics
• Mental health/recovery
• Teachable moments

And, I am going to be designing more graphic designs soon for another Internet user regarding mental health awareness and worldwide mental health day live, and I updated my Youtube banner and profile pictures (see below for funsies).

Yeah though, I have to go, it’s been cool beans.

Hope you guys are well! I know I’m kinda talking into the void but I do appreciate it all. Thank you for reading. ❤ ❤ ❤

PICS:

Made on Visme (review to come within the next month!)

Photograph taken in August 2019; shout out to David for holding the hydrangeas in place 😉

Crisis I | Poem

---

They told me

>  “Stay.”

 

I said

> “I have to go.”

 

They pulled me close,

> arms wrapped around my

>>   small frame in a tight clasp.

 

“Please, stay.”

 

I bit my lip

>  “I really have to go.”

 

They squeezed me again.

> “We want you here.”

 

Then after a pause

> “We love you.”

 

“Sometimes,” I began,

> “we have to let go

>>      of the ones we love.”

 

They shook their heads,

> Hair tossing down over

> their brown, compassionate eyes.

 

“Not like this.

> Not this way.”

 

“I’ll be okay,”

>     I try to reassure

 

They don’t believe me.

 

I pull away, slowly at first

> then more effectively.

 

“You can’t stop me.”

 

“Yes,” they insisted. “We can.”

 

I hear the sirens.

>   I flinch within their grasp.

 

“Don’t do this,” I warn.

 

“We have no other choice.”

>     They had tears streaming

>     down their faces now.

>     I could feel the watery

>      excess on the back of my

>      shoulders.

 

“Please,” I begged. “Don’t do this.”

 

“We’re doing what’s best for you.”

 

“This doesn’t feel like love!” I cry.

 

They narrow their eyes.

 

“No, it doesn’t. And maybe

it never will. But we’re doing

this out of love. Out of care.

>     One day you’ll see this.”

 

“I hate you!” I yell,

>        trying still to break free.

 

They continue to hold me,

>    imprisoning me.

 

“And that you can,” they reply.

>     “But at least you’ll still

>>             be here to hate us.

>  We’d rather have that than

>>    nothing at all.”

 

I cry then,

>  I let go of each teardrop

>   as the men in uniform

>>      stream out.

 

They tell me they’re bringing me in,

>    Leading me to the hospital.

 

“I don’t want to go,” I plead.

 

Their faces are grim.

 

“You’ll feel better soon.”

>      The brown eyed gaze

whispered in my ear, letting

>       me out inch by inch.

 

“I hate you,” I hurled back.

 

But away I went.

>   Away I went.

 

And one day,

>     one day I felt better.

 

One day I could see why

they did what they did.

 

It hurt for a while,

>    It hurts still, sometimes.

 

But when you came to me,

>     I knew what I had to do.

 

Even if I dreaded

every minute of it.

 

I’d do it again in a

>     Heartbeat,

To ensure you’d get

>   One more breath

> out of your mouth.

 

I loved you,

>  as much as they loved me.

 

So be mad.

>   Be angry.

But most of all,

>    be brave,

Because I know you, too,

>   can make it

>    through this.

---

Piece written: 7/26/2019

About the art: I listened to “Do Not Go Gentle” by Josh Woodward for this poem and it was written out as a vent piece to handle my emotional intensities while also being in part inspired by a story I listened to on Youtube involving Athena and how she had gotten support for the start of her recovery. It’s “I” is because it’s the first in likely a four part series. I may still flesh it out further, I’m not sure. There’s probably some Loki from my fanfic story “Distorted & Disordered” in here, too, if you squint hard enough. 🙂 

Hope you enjoy this piece!! Let me know if you have ideas for a continuation or things you’d like to see taken on in this poem series! 😀

PS: > to signify one tabbed space in, >> to signify two tabbed spaces in.

Stay safe ❤ ❤ ❤  

Vacation Mayhem: Packing, Repacking and Organizing Throughout!

---

Uh, yeah, so I just re-realized that tomorrow evening I’m going to be seeing “The Lion King” remake with my friend after program whiiiiiiiiich means I won’t be home early/right after program which kinda cancels out any blogging I could be doing then. Sooooo, we’re right back to here to try and write something up to at least explain my absence and then my continued absence.

So, if you haven’t heard from my tweets over on the birdy app, (which no longer works on my phone anymore these days, (legasp! and curse you software update!)), I am going away abroad on vacation!! The elusive, amazing and content packed thing we call vacations!!

I am going to Germany for a few days (I’ll be able to visit my brother, yes, I know, it’s amazing, I have a brother ;)) then to Austria for a few more and then back to Germany.

10 days in total!

I can’t really go into further detail than that as I have to protect my own privacy and those around me, but it should be awesome and fun and interesting to say the least!!

I’m leaving this coming Thursday around 3pm EST. I have a final family therapy appointment Thursday morning before I head out. I’m thinking the jet lag is gonna be SUCH a bitch. XD

I don’t know all the further details of everything I’ll be doing yet, but it should definitely be something. I’ve cleared out the majority of my camera’s SD card, I’ve got about 6,200 free photo space to work with, I’m importing my video SD card to my laptop currently and into the next couple of days so that I can film a little here and there on the trip, and I’m leaving my phone here in the states while also juggling my camera stuff and a carry on bag and the suitcase, too.

Sorry, my attention is a little split right now. I’m starting to wind down for bed and really have to be finishing this post soon, even though I feel like I just started it.

I’ll be coming back home by August 17th, and I’m not sure now if I’ll have Thumb Thursdays still going as I am out of the country. I still owe you guys one from last week.

All I know for sure is that the window is closing soon and I’ll be away from program for 10 days and I won’t have my phone but maybe this will give me a much needed Internet break (read: Youtube) even though I will still be able to access some of my accounts here and there. (Email, Twitter, etc.) Just not as often. XD

Trying to remember to bring various chargers, finish finalizing the ends of my clothing I’ll be bringing and my carry on bag supplies and all that jazz.

Yeah, I really feel I’m puttering out now. I’ve been able to watch a few movies these past couple of weeks and I have to fill out all my daily maintenance stuff shortly. I’ve been Googling various trip planning websites and TSA guidelines and all that jazz. Written out a few different lists to keep myself prepared and organized.

Tomorrow I’ll be going out in the early evening as I mentioned earlier and then just adding the final touches to everything else.

Welp, I think I should pack up for tonight soon. Gotta wake up early tomorrow.

I’ll see if I can write something else before I leave.

Thanks for reading!!!

xxxx

❤ ❤ ❤

PS And of course I will update you guys when I get back with everything that happened, hopefully tomorrow WordPress will be working without any kinks so I can update my profile picture. 🙂 Stay tuned!! 😀