Faults of Stability….

Stability: it’s great, it’s awesome, it’s healthy, it’s wonderful, it’s beautiful, it’s breath-taking, it’s heart-warming, it’s cozy, it’s comfortable, it’s skillful, it’s busy, it’s artsy, it’s creative, it’s high self-esteem, it’s doing activities, it’s pro-active, it’s…stability.

Instability entering the sphere of stability: it’s sadness. it’s not being able to cry when I really, really want to. it’s avoidance. it’s pushing away thoughts, pushing away feelings, pushing away urges, pushing away things that will help, things that COULD help, people that could help, resources that could help, pushing away, away, away. Instability is keeping things to myself. Trying to get through it myself. Alone.

But it’s hard.

Being stable for so long has come with new challenges I never imagined I would face.

Here’s a list of them:

  1. I can’t reach out for help, not in the same ways I once did.
    1. I’ve learned the difference between inappropriate people and places and appropriate people and places within my recovery journey. This means that I cannot reach out to people online because it is an INAPPROPRIATE people/place. But this doesn’t stop other people from doing it. And this doesn’t stop me from seeing other people do it. So I have my judgments, judgments I am more and more often silent about and keeping to myself. The Internet is an inappropriate place because the people on it are NOT professionals, not guaranteed to reach out in a timely fashion (often I’m searching for immediate assistance so anything longer than a minute has my brain telling me bullshit), not guaranteed to be kind, not guaranteed to be helpful, not guaranteed to be what I NEED. This comes with extra issues:
    2. If I can’t reach out online, who can I reach out to?
    3. I don’t know because no one seems to be appropriate people or places. I can’t call a hotline without having memories of the past slap me in the face. Friends from my day program, Passages, are a no-go because they have their own issues and don’t need mine on top of them. I can’t reach out on Twitter because I’m supposed to keep up this image of stability and appropriate versus inappropriate behaviors and it’s a sliding slope that I know all too well. I could use a chat service but I’d rather talk to someone which leads me back to the first problem and then I judge myself for not being able to handle it myself, which makes me wonder what the hell I’m going to do soon when I’m no longer at program, when I’m in therapy regularly again, when I’m completely safe but dealing with a lot of tumultuousness and then I just don’t reach out to anyone except my Mom when she checks up on me and is worried and I BLAH it all out to her. This helps. But she’s not always going to be there. And then I’m faced with the same self-judgments and being stuck all over again.
  2. I’m 100% safe with all the urges, thoughts and emotions that would have led to behaviors in the past but currently are not.
    1. Which means I’m using my DBT skills, which is great, I’m just not aware of it or thinking of it as I’m doing them but it sucks because when they don’t go by in 15 minute intervals I start looking at days at a time of issues and other ways where I’m not using skills and am practicing more avoidance behaviors and prioritizing yet at the same time still maybe avoiding other larger tasks I need to do? I don’t know how it all works. It sucks. Big time.
    2. I’m safe but I don’t know what to do. Does this mean I can’t reach out for help? Do I need help? Or is this all a by-product of my brain? I hate this.
  3. I can’t go to the hospital.
    1. I mean, I could, but I wouldn’t be hospitalized. In avoiding my thoughts, I’m avoiding in some respects my urges and I know I WON’T act on them but then that’s another resource that I would have had in the past but can’t access now. So, another burned bridge, apparently.
  4. I don’t know where to draw the line: when do I need extra help and when can I handle it on my own?
    1. When does the issue become a larger issue that I need other people’s brains, eyes and help with and when does it become something I can self-regulate with and handle myself? I don’t know. I’ve not been in this terrain before. Being from SUCH a stable place but then facing instability within it. Not for longer than 20 minutes in a one day span. This has been multiple days, a week or so, and encroaching into a longer span of time. I honestly have no freakin clue what to do and I don’t know how to help myself. I just want to sit here and avoid and hell, I’m SITTING here which is a MAJOR step, even if I (haven’t):
      1. Showered
      2. Combed my hair (it’s all in knots)
      3. Brushed my teeth
      4. Reached out for help
      5. Gone to Passages
      6. Ate properly
      7. Overslept
      8. Used Youtube
      9. Avoided even going to the bathroom
      10. Laid in bed from 10a – 4:30p
      11. Didn’t go to work for P2P
      12. Shut my phone off to not receive ANY alerts
      13. Didn’t email anyone
      14. Didn’t get a call from program
      15. Trying to blog
      16. Trying to understand, cope… do something
      17. Trying to make next step plans for today, tomorrow, the week, etc.
      18. Thinking of going to the library
      19. Really wanting a glass of Mountain Dew
      20. Yeah
    2. I feel like there’s expectations that I’d need to know when to handle it myself and when to get support. I just don’t know where that line is drawn. When are the signs there that I need extra help? That I need to self-regulate? What are the signs? Because I don’t know them!
  5. I censor more than I would used to.
    1. I try to keep up appearances. When I’m not doing well, I go silent. I try to handle it and not tell anyone about it, because see previous issues. I try not to let anyone know about it, which is easier because online it’s not appropriate but even in real life I do it, too. So then it just builds and builds and builds and that’s just it, for right now. Also, that “used to” should it be “use to” or is “used to” okay? Ugh. This is what happens when I’m not in school anymore.
    2. The problem with going silent is that it impedes the fact that I have such a small audience (depending on the social media platform).
  6. I speak into The Void.
    1. There’s not many, sometimes not any, other people’s support or validation (I know I shouldn’t be relying on this either though) or perspective or help or comments or thoughts or suggestions for me to take into consideration. So I’m essentially speaking into The Void, it’s just myself echoing back. Which isn’t all bad (I want to do a future blog post about this, but when I’m back in stable mindset) because then I’m not developing unhealthy relationships and I CAN talk myself into helpful and healthy things myself because not everyone is going to be there all the time but I will be. So I have to help myself out. Maybe more than I do or am doing right now.
  7. I shut down.
    1. Like turning off my phone, not emailing, not telling anyone, just blogging here in my room with all my lights on that I never turned on myself, wanting a drink of soda and to eat something and to be off my period and be okay again. Kinda like waiting it out but being a little tiny bit more productive.
  8. I forget what it’s like to struggle.
    1. So I can’t relate when people are struggling more with their mental health condition. I’m just on such a different plane that I can’t empathize. And when I can empathize, because I am struggling, I hate it and resist it and refuse to acknowledge it.
  9. When I do struggle, I listen or crave old, sad, familiar songs.
    1. One More Light was definitely on my mind today, I think I would have cried if I heard it but I went with “Goodbye I’m Sorry” instead. Some mood music and some relatability there. It’s also nice without being AS nice as Kamikaze but still enjoyable in some ways. Odd ways, maybe.
  10. I struggle with different things.
      1. Nowadays it’s Internet consumption. Nowadays it’s pulling and picking. Nowadays it’s the fact that I can’t get myself over the blockade that is trying to read a book which is isolating, frustrating and seemingly impenetrable. So that sucks.
  11. I make sad lists.
    1. Like, this one.
    2. It reminds me of a venting session and I don’t know how healthy or unhealthy that is for me.
    3. I have vibes to write some fanfic
    4. I also want to color and listen to scary stories and figure out my own path.
  12. I get through it, one way or another, but always safely, now at least.
    1. I don’t know how or when or in what way exactly but I know this will pass. I think I can do this part now:

 

How am I going to get back to Stability:

  • I have to eat a meal. Properly.
  • I have to go to sleep early (not past 11p)
  • I have to spend some time at a library (it’s out of the house at least)
  • I have to post this
  • I have to shower
  • I have to change my outfit
  • I have to change my pad, seriously, not sorry.
  • I have to consider going to program tomorrow as a make-up day or figuring out some other exception
  • I have to attend my appointment tomorrow (psychiatry)
  • I have to read a book
  • I have to journal properly
  • I have to watercolor a coloring page
  • I have to watch a movie
  • I have to include enjoyable activities into my life again
  • I have to do what’s best for me in whatever way I think is going to be best for me
  • I have to speak up
  • I have to voice my concerns and my issues
  • I have to plan ahead with up to 3 alternative plans
  • I have to do opposite action
  • I have to reach out for support
  • I have to download new music
  • I have to film a video
  • I have to do something creative
  • I have to write a new chapter of fanfic (whichever one I choose)
  • I have to be honest
  • I have to listen to music
  • I have to help myself. For myself. Sometimes just myself.

 

And that’s where I go from here.

I’ll see you all on the other side. Thanks for reading.

❤ ❤ ❤