Who I Am At Work vs. Who I Am Everywhere Else

Journaling THUMB


I really wanted to write this blog post in particular a few hours ago, on Tuesday January 28th 2020, but life got in the way and the song I was listening to when I thought back on the idea again (it’s been on my mind the last 2 weeks, maybe?) just came onto my iPod soooo, we’re gonna roll with it. It may not be perfect, because I really have zero writing vibes now, after I went downstairs to eat dinner but we’ll not strive for perfection, rather “just” completion. 🙂 Let’s go!!


The premise of this blog post is that who I am at work (Amaryllis) is different in many ways to who I am everywhere else in my life. I’d like to explore more of that, what characteristics make up which parts of my identity and just spend some time thinking of it and trying to understand and come to terms with it all. Of course, it’s not necessarily a “bad” or “good” thing, it’s just how it is right now and that’s not to say that it can’t change in the future. Any who, let me get into this (I will be writing up a life update post by the end of this weekend).

Let’s start where it’s easiest, which is namely:

Who Am I Everywhere Else?

    • I think I carry myself with strength, resiliency, clear-headedness, confidence, high self-regard, compassion, honesty, transparency, vulnerability, inspiration, humor, and at times, leadership.
    • I don’t worry about what other people think of me: I row my own boat and if I pass someone trying to sell me something I avoid all eye contact to make the rejection of me not paying attention to them a little easier to handle (my thought process being that maybe if I ignore them and avoid them, they’ll take the hint).
    • I bury my head in whatever it is that I’m doing, especially when it’s of a one-to-one interaction or something I can engulf myself into completely–if not lingering hands of wandering thoughts. I still make it work.
    • I’m passionate and talkative, I’m a proud advocate for mental health and recovery. I’m able to explore a lot of this with online creativity and in person compatibility.
    • I get easily distracted when I’m discussing something or trying to listen and other background noise gets introduced. I have a harder time, as of late, filtering out what’s actually happening around me (I have terrible senses of self-awareness, like, physically speaking) between what I’m trying to pay attention to or ingest (metaphorically speaking).
    • I get anxious when it comes to driving in unfamiliar places. It’s something that I’m working on, by going to….familiar places. Ahaha. It’s a work in progress.
    • I’m active in my work to help dispel stigma in regards to mental health.
    • I’m a lot more open. Again, I don’t worry what other people may think of me. I’m not the best at consciously being aware of body language cues and then interpreting or acting in regards to those conclusions going forwards.
    • I blog, I create, I write fanfic, articles, lots of things.
    • I’m an expert in my lived experiences
    • I maintain my stability and recovery daily
    • I do like 5 different places of tracking information regarding my moods and behaviors and general to do’s and how things are going stuff.
    • I like to do random acts of kindness to strangers and friends
    • I’m a major MCU fan, I have big dreams and integrate myself well with those around me.

So, I think that’s a pretty good list!! That was easier to think up…

Now, let’s compare:

Who Am I At Work? (Amaryllis)

  • I’m anxious. I don’t know what I’m doing a lot of the time.
  • I’m stiff physically, I’ll either be standing awkwardly or sitting nervously, leaning forwards on my knees. I hold my tension in my shoulders and I’m physically exhausted (as well as emotionally drained) by the end of my 8 hour shift.
  • I’m worried. I hope that I’m doing the right thing. I do ask here and there if it’s of particular need or importance.
  • I don’t–can’t–self-disclose. This is a HUGE one for me, such a contrast with this and the advocacy above. I had to learn and re-define what “private” versus “public” information meant to be. Like, “private/personal” vs “public”. It seems still odd to me even now but I do see why it’s so important. It also feels like hiding a part of myself. I don’t bring up mental health stuff at work. (I work in a residential for trauma informed care of youth between ages 5 and 12).
  • I have been working there for 3 months, which is the longest I’ve gone in a long time at any job.
  • I have excellent, validating, encouraging, presentable and enthusiastic co-workers. I think the co-worker environment really adds to the experience of my work.
  • I use my hand sanitizer (I have plenty now, ahaha) when I want to sanitize my hands but also to help ground me.
  • I feel like I’m tiptoeing and walking on eggshells–afraid that someone is going to ask me to do something I’ve never done before and that I’ll fail or be fired for it. I guess, I feel internally based pressure. Like I’m supposed to do something a certain way but I either forget (which happens a lot, I have to repeat things for hours on shift in my head so that I remember to go back and do them (writing it down helps, too)) or I haven’t done it before or I have to ask someone else.
  • I lack confidence. Even though I AM a staff, I look to others for approval. I’m uncertain in my speech and body language. I don’t have a good idea of what script I should be using. I get better when I observe my co-workers and add in their perspectives to my own work.
  • I’m not versatile enough. I don’t tune my approach to kids based on each kid. I have been able to discover that I CAN be stern and not, demanding, but something similar to that. So when I need to, I can. It’s just it takes me a lot longer to get to that point.
  • I have instincts that I observe but 95% of the time I don’t voice them.
  • I wait for others to lead rather than taking the lead myself. (This will come with experience, in fact, most of this will!).
  • I work best one to one rather than juggling all the tasks of multiple kids and situations occurring.
  • I don’t know how much the kids respect me, to be honest. I think I flounder when I’m rarely alone with them.
  • I ask, not tell. “Can you do…?” “You okay?” “Which X would you like to use?” etc. I basically don’t tell them what to do, I ask them what to do. Which isn’t super helpful.
  • I have a soft, dainty approach. I’ll likely never be as stern as Devern, my co-worker, my supervisor said and there’s a time and place to be less stern, that I can make it work for me either way, and that some kids will gravitate more towards me if I have that approach
  • I struggle a little with group groups because I talk more than I’m meant to, ahaha.
  • I don’t like, and I’ve been this about other jobs before (P2P mainly), being overseen by a higher up because it freaks me out and I’m afraid I’ll do something wrong and I don’t know, I’m not sure what the fear is there. But I feel like I’m trying to be careful but probably over-compensating. Like I feel I need to make more of a good impression, you know?
  • Trying not to take things personal is interesting. A few times I’ve let it roll off of me, but I also don’t deal a lot of with this, either. I think. Hm.
  • I’m afraid of getting MAP certified and having that level of responsibility (so I’ve been avoiding it) as well as the driving on off-grounds, which I still haven’t done, but am worried each time that that’ll be the day to. :/
  • I need to review more of my notes and the restraint stances (something I’ve not been reflecting on, etc.)
  • TO EVEN OUT THIS LIST: Here are some of my strengths. I bring to the table more knowledge about coping strategies, breathing techniques and grounding techniques. I can validate. I can recognize where I’ve gone wrong, when I have, and work towards correcting it. I’m nurturing. I’m polite. I’m still learning. I improve daily (although I don’t work every day). I recharge. I’m able to have perspective. I like the cleaning the kitchen type stuff, let’s me think for a bit. I’m getting more and more used to the routine. Even when I have a tough shift, I look forward to coming back and trying again. I stick with my tasks and see them through. I’m persistent.
  • Also, if I’m having a particular anxious or hard time I remind myself of the estimated time commitment I’ve made with this particular job. It’s not my end goal and that helps to ease my mind a bit. Remembering that there’s more I want to do and one day I’ll get to do them. 🙂

 

And honestly?

I think that list is plenty fine. Yeah, I just needed to get that all out. I have a LOT of work to do, as can be seen through this outpouring of words. But I’ve picked up another shift during the school week (they moved me from Fri evenings to Sat evenings) so that should help get me more exposure and building up the rapports with the kids.

All right, that’s all I have for you guys for now.

If you want to be extra fancy:

You guys remember Recovery Home, right?

Check out my featured column on the Oddball Magazine all about it! The Prologue. 🙂 This article is an introduction to what Recovery Home is all about as well as background on myself and yeah. Give it a read and leave a comment!! 🙂 ❤

I will be writing Chp 1 this week. Comes out bi-weekly! I also hear I’ll be getting paid on Fri, whoo.

Okay, I do have to go now though. I hope that you appreciated this blog post, even if it was only to see me rag on myself about how I’m doing things, ahaha. I definitely have LOTS to improve on, and I have to trust the process that it’ll all work itself out soon. Are there particular things that you struggle with in your career? What helps you move past them?

Again, it’s not necessarily “good” or “bad” for me to have such a distinct difference between who I am in two different settings. It’s natural to compartmentalize ourselves depending on who we’re with or where we are. I still get my work done even when I’m faking it til I make it. I stick to my tasks and see them through. I think, if nothing else, this is very fascinating and the biggest difference happens when I get home from work and hug Mokeys and just…re-enter my sphere again. It’s interesting, I think.

Any who, I’ll let you go, now. 🙂

Hope you have a wonderful weekend/mid-week ahead!!!

❤ ❤ ❤

 

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