SAIM1: Self-Sabotage to The End…I’m Afraid to Face What Comes Next

Song a day THUMB


Chosen Song:

“Villains Part 2” by Emma Blackery

Trigger Warnings & Themes:

Self-sabotage.

Isolation, social withdrawal, betrayal, villains, internal conflict, pain, emotive, hope, fear, change, growth.

Video:

Chosen Lyrics:

I want you to know
I tore up my list, I threw it away
Just like everything

How foolish of me
To try and divide people into categories
I found it so easy
But what can I do

When I’ve got nothing else
Not even myself
I don’t know what’s left of me
After all that I’ve done
All the bridges are burned
Would I walk them now anyway
Would I write myself off

Self sabotage to the end
If I could do it again
What would I change?
It was a stupid game anyway
I admit I’m afraid
To face what comes next
Where do I turn when I’ve turned on my friends?
What if I don’t want it?
What if I don’t want it?

How arrogant of me
To think anyone could just be
Good or bad
Like cops and robbers
The only one here committing a crime
Was dancing on the line
But what can I say
When it’s all that I’ve known
Got a chance to get better
Do I take it or watch myself suffer
And now that you’re gone
All the bridges are burned
Would I walk them now anyway
Would I write myself off

Self sabotage to the end
If I could do it again
What would I change?
It was a stupid game anyway
I admit I’m afraid
To face what comes next
Where do I turn when I’ve turned on my friends?
What if I don’t want it?
What if I don’t want it?
Am I kidding myself?
I’m my own biggest villain
What if I don’t want it?
What if I don’t want it?
Am I kidding myself?
Blaming somebody else
I’m my own biggest villain
I’m my own biggest villain
I’m my
I’m my

Self sabotage to the end
If I could do it again
What would I change?
It was a stupid game anyway
I admit I’m afraid
To change what comes next
Where do I turn when I’ve turned on my friends?
If I could do it again
What would I change?
It was a stupid game anyway
I admit I’m afraid
To change what comes next
Where do I turn when I’ve turned on myself?

My Meaning/My Inspiration:

Hello there.

I’m realizing now that I haven’t made a proper introduction to this particular blog post but it’s something that I’m needing to do and something that I want to do to help paint the last couple of days and the tumultuous-ness of my emotions and how it’s all come together with the help, the aid and the light of this song.

I came across this song at least two months back. It’s the second part to the first “Villains” song and it’s something that I’m in absolute love with. Especially for today. Maybe, in some ways, because of today.

I wanted to include more of the context of this piece in this post, so you’ll see pretty much ALL of the lyrics here, with some that I’ve placed in bold because I fit particularly well with those words. So, let’s begin!

My Meaning: Overall, I find the mission of this song is to better understand one’s self. To me, self-sabotage is something I have definitely always struggled with in my life: when I was in high school dealing with scoliosis, when I was in elementary school dealing with social isolation and loneliness, when I was in college afraid of success and afraid of failure, when I was deeply procrastinating to just get through the day, when I started to self-harm, when I started to consider and plan and be actively suicidal, etc. Even when I started to “make friends” with the disorders that I live with, something I still struggle with at times today (in fact, that’s what’s brought me here to begin with). Self-sabotage is an evil darkness I know all, all too well.

I feel that this song relates to me in the way that I am with myself most importantly but also with other individuals. I think it’s about realizing that I may be painting others as “villains” when they may just be trying to help me. That I see myself as the villain or something within my skull as the villain, which may be right or it may be wrong, but that it’s this ongoing challenge of balance and seeing the good amongst the bad. The light amongst the dark. I think it’s grappling with blame, onto others and onto the self. And then realizing that painting everyone else as these caricatures of themselves is really just a mask to the internal pain going on within the speaker, the narrator, the singer, the listener that they may be part of the problem, if not all of the problem. It’s about how when we push others away we may be doing so to try and push ourselves away, which doesn’t work all that well since we’re always us, you know?

And I think not only that, but it’s grappling with the accountability and the responsibility that pushing everyone away brings us all to this really dark and alone place and that we can become even more afraid of what comes next–with ourselves or with others. And it’s scary. And it’s hard. And it can be really needless, too. It’s a song grappling with what’s happened and trying to find a way through it despite or because of those previous actions.

And then there’s: “But what can I say, when it’s all that I’ve known” which aims to describe and give context to the speaker that their behavior is in response to their reactions and previous life experiences. That although it doesn’t dismiss their current circumstances, it can aid to explain them, in the hopes that they can forgive themselves and that others can forgive them, and even give them another chance. A chance that they may be struggling to come to terms with within their own soul.

“Got a chance to get better, do I take it or watch myself suffer”: I really wanted to include this within the title itself (see below for my title possibilities list) but I chose instead a two line combination because the first part is what I thought of when I was inspired earlier today and the latter because it fits my current circumstances. But as for this line itself, I think it really brings the speaker’s choice in the matter to light. Like, I can choose what I do next, do I choose to get better or do I choose to wallow in my emotions and stay the course to a path that could and will lead me further into the darkness. It brings that choice to the individual and helps to empower them and remind them that it IS only their choice and only they can choose it or not.

And if they choose the darker path though, it will bring more pain and more disaster and more suffering than is necessarily needed. Or wanted. It just perpetuates the cycle. And the self-sabotage continues over and over again.

It’s essentially the choice between being the “villain” and the “hero.”

I think the line “it was a stupid game anyway” also is important; it’s that self-actualization that after choosing the dark path, the wrong path, the hurting path, that it wasn’t worth it at all. It was a mistake. It was a regret. And it was stupid and not in anyone’s best interests.

Being “afraid to face what comes next” is being afraid of the consequences to the behaviors, thoughts and emotions that have been impacting the speaker. Whether it’s going to be support or backlash, it’s that fear of the unknown. That fear of what will happen. It highlights a yearning to block out the fear or to forget about it in any other way or push it back down, anything to avoid it, anything to pretend that it’s not there. I get that.

I think the “friends” are genuinely the speaker’s friends, the people they surround themselves with. Trying to figure out where they can go to for support is difficult when they have pushed them all away before.

And then of course, is that ambivalence between what if the speaker doesn’t want their help. What if the speaker feels they deserve to be alone or that they don’t deserve help or they don’t deserve good things or being okay again. What if they have to commit to that choice forever and that can be really scary, right? It’s that wondering what will happen and what ongoing need there may be because of that turning point decision. And also, of course, that if you don’t want it, where does that lead you? Or if you decide you don’t want it in the middle of it all, can you change your mind? It’s very interesting.

I also am so in love lately with hearing the pain and emotion in people’s voices and that section of this song where Emma is crying out and screaming is just… perfection. You’ll notice that in time with a lot of the songs I’ve been listening to that feature this (Abbey Glover especially comes to mind). It’s almost as though words can’t fully describe the internal pain that comes from these lyrics and that section of crying out is even more profound, I think.

 

Lastly, it’s time for: My Inspiration.

Okay, I’ve since had dinner and am harboring some dental pain but I’m gonna try and get through the last of this post! Thank you for reading all that you have thus far and for this next bit, too. 🙂 ❤ I should really try and do some creative writing soon too (mainly fanfic). But for now…

Here’s what happened:

I had a tough day at work last last Saturday. I really was overwhelmed and emotional (I got my period a few days later) and it was a really, really hard shift. My Emotion Mind decision involved wanting to quit my job. I also had really intense urges to scratch mostly that I deeply considered acting on and some loose suicidal thoughts. I thought of going to a place I’ve been to when unwell before, not to do anything but not exactly a good place to be either. I didn’t and wound up talking to one of my co-workers for 45 minutes after the shift.

Cue this past Saturday (I forgot to mention it in therapy and remembered in family therapy Sat but didn’t reveal it) and it was an okay day overall but I mentioned, not super well, that I can’t lift more than 25 pounds due to my back and I’m really, really worried now that they’re going to let me go because it’s expected of me to be able to lift a lot. (Think struggling kids) And I didn’t say I would just need help or could do lighter lifting either which I’m kinda kicking myself for.

So now I’m all worried that I may lose this job sooner than I anticipated. I know that although I only wanted to be there 6 months to a year anyways, that I’ll really miss my co-workers, the relationships, the pay, the atmosphere, etc. I guess it’s different when you’re going to let them go versus when they might let you go. Unfortunately, I cannot recall if the job listing had specified the weight requirement and even if it did, I wouldn’t have known as I only know when I’m about to lift and then realize, “Uh, scratch that, I can’t.”

I talked to my supervisor around 10:45p last night and on my way home almost the entire time I was having a lot of symptoms of the OCD. I thought of that place again and really, really thought about going there. Again, not to act all the way through to hurt myself but to “plant the seed,” so to speak. To “scope out the area”, even. I knew this would be acting on it and I forgot how immediate action tends to be with me when it comes to these types of thoughts. I knew and recognized that if I went there that it would bring up old memories or that I could just relax and become grounded or I could sit back in the car and reminisce.

I wound up pulling over instead (of going to that place) by this familiar place we take Mokeys for walks. It was that intense fantasizing and playing out scenarios that weren’t even happening but felt like they were (a lot of thought-action fusion). As close as you can get to hallucinating without actually hallucinating. I sat there and listened to music for like 15 minutes. I teared up a little before then, too. I thought of driving around too but I didn’t.

The biggest thing I can say is that it felt like being back at the tea parties of my mind. And a song I’ve been listening to lately includes the lyrics “nobody even noticed” when referring to acts of death and that has been circling around my mind, too. My mind, the disorders, are trying to get me back in allegiance with them. That’s the big thing, really, this time. The disorders are saying that they are my “friends” and that they know what’s best for me. But they don’t. And they don’t have my best intentions in mind. It’s my mind playing tricks on me, really.

Then with my Mom, driving in the countryside today, I had this song come on on shuffle and it really changed things. It just reignited hope within me when before that I was really on the fence of being silent about these thoughts and letting myself go into self-sabotage etc. I know that it would be a stupid game and that I wouldn’t get anything out of it. The urges are still there and certainly the emotions are as well but it’s bought me some time, thankfully. I know I can do pros/cons lists, blog, reach out, listen to music, write, and read some books. This whole covid-19 thing is getting a little out of hand and some of the libraries are temporarily closing as well as changes happening at work, too.

For now, I have to face what I’m afraid of, even if I don’t want to, and I don’t. I guess soon I’ll have to start looking again for another job and radically accept from here what I can and can’t do.

I’m grateful that this song was the leading power in changing things for me tonight (close songs worth mentioning: “Got it in you” by BANNERS, “Skeleton” by Jessie Paege & “Hymn” by Kesha) I will probably go talk to someone for a bit now too and go back into my books thereafter. My tooth is really, really bothering me so I’ll probably brush my teeth tonight to hopefully help it out a bit. Hopefully it’s just a cavity.

Okay, I’ve been listening to this song for forever now so I’m going to go. Thank you so much for reading!!! Stay safe. xxx

BONUS:

My original title possibilities when coming up with this post. :3

  • I’m Afraid to Face What Comes Next
  • Self Sabotage to the End
  • Got A Chance to Get Better. Do I Take it or Watch Myself Suffer?

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