SADIA1: I Needed to Lose You to Find Me | & Life Update

Song a day THUMB


Chosen Song:

“Lose You to Love Me” by Selena Gomez


Trigger Warnings & Themes:

Loss, grief, letting go, dependency/co-dependency themes.

Loss, grief, relationships, interpersonal effectiveness, identity, finding yourself, rescuing yourself, love, hope, trials and tribulations, overcoming adversity, triumph, letting go, dependency/co-dependency, growth, empowerment, moving on, regret.


Video:


Chosen Lyrics:

You promised the world and I fell for it
I put you first and you adored it
Set fires to my forest
And you let it burn
Sang off key in my chorus
‘Cause it wasn’t yours
I saw the signs and I ignored it
Rose colored glasses all distorted
Set fire to my purpose
And I let it burn
You got off on the hurtin’
When it wasn’t yours…
We’d always go into it blindly
I needed to lose you to find me
This dance, it was killing me softly
I needed to hate you to love me,
To love, love, yeah
To love, love, yeah
To love, yeah
I needed to lose you to love me, yeah
To love, love, yeah
To love, love, yeah….
I gave my all and they all know it
Then you tore me down and now it’s showing
In two months, you replaced us
Like it was easy
Made me think I deserved it
In the thick of healing, yeah….
….And now the chapter is closed and done
To love, love, yeah….
And now it’s goodbye, it’s goodbye for us
Source:Β LyricFind

My Interpretations/Related Experiences:

So, hi again. It’s been a while and this post is a bit of a smorgasbord of multiple things but we’re gonna go with it and wing it, right? Right. Good.

So, I heard this song a few months back, maybe even as far as Nov. 2019 and I always wanted to do a song a day entry for it and just never got around to it, got busy with other posts, forgot, lost inspiration and motivation and then it got buried underneath everything else. Because, quarantine and work and all that jazz.

But I’m here now. And that’s what counts.

I’ve been reading this book on grief, or at least trying my hardest to, (it’s a dull read but I’m so invested now that I feel like I HAVE to read it, and I don’t give up on books either soooo…) and it’s made me think of some things I’ve been both ignoring and avoiding for months now.

Which, roll the credits, brings us to this song and this message and this interpretation.

As I read about loss and I am reminded that grief is a response to any type of loss–through death of course but not always–it can be items, it can be divorce, separation, leaving relationships, moving away from relationships etc. Even pets. And so it’s made me think a little about things I purposefully and deliberately avoid and pretend like they don’t exist in my life because that’s what I DO. I’m a Master Avoider. Wish I could put it on the job apps but I keep avoiding it. πŸ˜‰ πŸ˜€ (Imagine a cheeky grin here.)

I haven’t dealt a lot with death in my life, yeah some pets here and there, and god knows when I was more creative with original fiction back in my high school days, it would seem like I was enthralled and mortified about the subject as that’s typically all I wrote about (death, harm and destruction) but really I haven’t lost too many people…yet. Not, not yet.

Sure, there’s been the celebrities, the waiting death reports for Athena because we can all pretty much agree that she’s not in her ED recovery and has relapsed badly but that’s a topic for another day… (that I probably won’t even get into because I’m working to actively not give in to that type of addiction, because it is so detrimental to me and my mental health, bleh.)

But without having lost people to the deep, dark chasm of death, I’ve lost people due to mental health complications and co-dependency. More so my own co-dependency on others. I think of two particular individuals for this: Steve and Luna.

With Steve, I was forcefully pulled away from them by the smart choices of my university’s Counseling Center. Every now and then, as I’ve described in few Mass Media articles back in the day, I would look up Steve online, find his accounts, find some of his information and then taunt myself with the IDEA of reaching out even though I knew it was a giant no-no (and luckily, I never did).

But Steve was from a different time ago.

Luna…Luna’s been on my mind more these days. I have more tokens, more physical items, from Luna that I cannot begin to dream about parting with. Not now, maybe not ever. The idealization is strong with me from them and I wish things could have ended differently.

And let me be clear, I was the one who left the relationship. I was the one to enact The Ultimate Avoidance into my social life as I was in my last semester of school. And I wrote about it in some articles, some I think that I still don’t even have up on my blog, (sorry about that!!!) and I got through it, but it was hard. Really hard. And I had, like this song says, to lose them to find me.

I had to lose Luna to rebuild the broken shards of glass that was myself, my identity, my soul, my worldview, my RECOVERY.

I had to realize, hell not even by myself but by my Mom and my family therapist (turned individual therapist now) June that it was NOT a healthy relationship and if I continued to try and hold onto the past with Luna and be around them, then ultimately I was choosing to return to havoc-wreaking emotions that would destroy everything in its path, especially me, and land me in self-harm, suicidal ideation, potential death and definitely a hospitalization.

And I had to realize and accept that it wasn’t healthy for me or for them and that I had to move on, move away, move forwards. And I could only do that by realizing that no one and no thing was worth getting suicidal over, a profound lesson that has still aided me even today. And I had to also realize the way I was being treated wasn’t necessarily healthy either. And that it was for my best interests to pull away. And that the relationship we had wasn’t necessarily even friendship. And that I had to forgive the fact that Luna had lacked several boundary laden territories and overextended themselves more than they should have in retrospect. And I had to come to the terms that as a friend, they had abandoned me more than once and that ultimately it wasn’t THEIR job to save me.

It was mine.

And there were red flags. More than I realized at the time, more than I could begin to fathom and certainly more than I could reasonably encounter and acknowledge, especially within my unstable mindset.

They had to pull away a couple of times, they couldn’t be there to support me and at that time all I had wanted was THEIR support. I wanted only THEM to save me, to help me, to rescue me. And I could be aware of this at times, but I still ignored what it meant.

And I didn’t realize, at the time, that there were other individuals around me who could see, sense and interpret and recognize this co-dependency.

However, what matters now, what matters most, is that I got out. I got away. And even when I cringed to see them, when my heart aches in missing them, in missing what once was, I’m so much stronger now than ever before. I’ve grown so much and I’ve developed boundaries even within myself that I don’t cross or barely ever cross anymore these days. Yes, it puts me at somewhat of a disadvantage for particular art projects but somehow, someway, I know I’ll make it through.

 

So for now, I cannot part with the things that Luna has given me: the art, the reminders, the memories I don’t really spend much time at all looking back on, the good that was there, the pain that was there, the bad that was there. But I keep a piece of them with me, a piece I had returned to fondness over without actually reaching back out to them.

I’ve thought about it, a few times more lately than usual, but I don’t act on it. I recognize that I can have the thought and the curiosity and that I don’t want to, I don’t need to, look into it and find out what they’re up to and what’s going on in their life. It’s over now. I’m new. And the rest doesn’t really matter.

So to this song, to what is sung here:

It reminds me of letting go of the co-dependency and finding myself from all the rubble. And I realize that I can grow and learn more about grief and the MCU hole that exists within that grief and I can prioritize and…just LIVE my life without Luna, without Steve, without even the pain most days of moving away from them. You know, it’s been almost two years since letting go and things are pretty badass lately, ahaha. I think I’m a lot happier and definitely far more stable. I have to accept the lessons I was taught and recognize my own needs and work with myself to develop better self-validating remarks and comments. Instead of seeking validation and attention from others, instead I can work on completing that myself by myself with myself.

That’s not to say I don’t reach out for supports too, because I do. It’s…a balancing act for sure, one I haven’t completely figured out yet, and that I look forward to doing so in the future. ❀ (The balance between when do I need to self-soothe and when do I need a sound board.)

I think this song is a good depiction of the troubles with idealization (putting people on pedestals and thinking they can do no wrong) and demonizing people (putting them down so low that they have flaws and only their flaws). When the reality is that people have both good and bad qualities. People are flawed. People are not all good or all bad. Grey exists in the world, especially when it comes to humans, because we’re so diverse and so special and unique one by one. It can be easy to try and see and think in absolutes, however, the world is not one big absolute thing. It’s muddled and murky and sometimes we don’t get “closure”, in fact, in this grief book I’m reading it even states how “closure” isn’t often closure itself because grief is a continuum, grief is not something you get over rather something you learn to live with and alongside as you continue your life’s journey.

And as for the life update of this post…


I’m doing pretty well, overall. I just subscribed to Disney+ and I’m pretty excited to get into that and hopefully create more online content in the form of reviews for it and because of it. The grief book has also inspired me to attend to my MCU avoidance by re-immersing myself into the entire timeline from start to finish, which will probably take me over the course of the next year and therefore help me to come to terms with my grief through the individuals and characters we so recently (it feels recent, at least) lost. I’m actually quite looking forward to this.

I have been reading somewhat here and there behind the scenes and I have plenty of blog posts to catch up on and work on and eventually, hopefully soon, publish. They include:

  1. My sexuality
  2. Book Reviews
  3. Film Reviews
  4. Fanfic stuff
  5. Song a day’s
  6. Part 2 to my Recovery and Music post
  7. Maybe some more interactive type posts.

I’ve also returned to all my tracking stuff in the last week and that is so far up to date currently. I’m making daily goals for myself with a few that carry over when I don’t achieve them (the reading a book to the half-way point and completion, ideally). I’m considering creating Movie Monday’s for myself and Film Review Friday’s. I still have work at Amaryllis I go to twice a week. I have fanfic ideas, particularly one inspired by covid-19, that I’m trying to pick through and work on here and there but lately, the last week, I’ve been having zero writing vibes (which obviously related to blogging issues, too). I’m juggling a lot, probably the same as usual, if I’m being honest, and I want to try and interact more online with 3-5 tweets a day and then step up my WordPress game too. I have to break down the fact that I make so much more work for myself and projects out of everything, to be honest. I reorganized my room a few times though so that’s helpful. And I’m trying to get ideas and input on how to properly set self-care time and activities for myself so if that can get going I’ll be in REALLY great standing. Additionally, I have a Youtube video I have to finish editing and then work on uploading, which, again, hopefully, I can do this week.

I will probably make a tweet soon because apparently today is my 3 year Twitter anniversary. I want to celebrate that, even within some character limits and maybe that will make me feel a little better, too.

Overall, life is going, even while life outside these walls of my home are absent, crumbling and deteriorating. I’m trying to get by as best as I can but I can definitely say I can’t wait until it’s all over. For now, I have extended loans on the 36 books I have out from the library so I will take that in stride. I’m going to go eat dinner, take my meds and watch a movie now.

Thank you all so much for reading, learning, understanding and, if you please can, commenting. I hope to return to this blogosphere more going forwards.

Thank you.

xxx ❀ ❀ ❀

 


Worked on: 4/23/2020, 4/27/2020

“Sea Glass Island” (2013) | Book Review (2018) & Sherryl Woods Appreciation Post

Book Review THUMB


Chosen Book:

“Sea Glass Island” (2013) by Sherryl Woods

An Ocean Breeze Novel; Book 3 of 3.


Trigger Warnings:

PTSD (brief), substance use (alcohol), brief reference to suicide.


Themes:

Romance, meaning (life), purpose, acting, long lost love, forgiveness, faith, taking a chance, happiness, opening one’s mind and soul, letting go, dreams, work, dating, war heroism, second chances, hope, overcoming, new pursuits, southern state, meddling sisters (for the good overall), betrayal, disability, medicine (as a practice).


Summary:

This is the final part of a trilogy of romantic relationships at the hub of the story in which Samantha Castle finds love with a football player turned war hero named Ethan Cole. The story follows Samantha and Ethan and their growing love interest while the other two Castle sisters set weddings in order with their own romantic partners (as described in the first two novels).

Along the way, Samantha gets Ethan to take another look at happy endings and true love and to set his heart on the line to engage in a romance that could become life changing for the two of them. Samantha also leaves behind old acting dreams to pursue a new future. Based in North Carolina, this book offers love, dreams, hopes and insight on taking upon pursuits once foreign and daunting and making something beautiful, meaningful and life changing out of overcoming that fear. ❀


Recommendation Score:

5/5 Romantic Relationships


**Disclaimer: I hand wrote this review two years ago and will only trim down and somewhat edit it (so as to keep it shorter and more readable) to best portray my thoughts on this novel and my intense love and admiration of Sherryl Woods’ work as I gravitate towards her novels ever since I read this book in the last hospitalization I was in. I hope that you are able to enjoy the shine and the glitter of this review. Thank you, even years later. <3**


Striking Quotes:

1. “(Emily [sister]) ‘Why? Not everything is up to you to fix. If Samantha wanted help, she could have said something. That’s her way, though. She just suffers in silence, then resents it when nobody jumps in to save the day'” — Woods, (2013), p. 16

My Thoughts (18): This portion of the conversation jumped out to me as noteworthy regarding Emily’s stance in her sisterhood with Samantha and Gabi as well as relevant to my newest mode in my recovery journey. It was something that stuck out in my mind.

MT (20): I think it’s just a super relatable mental health theme, that we sometimes expect others to be there for us to help rescue us, forgetting that WE are the ones who have to put in the work, time and effort to be our OWN superheroes. It’s definitely possible and when we’re highly symptomatic it feels impossible and out of this world. We have to keep chipping away at our brain’s lies though, and we’ll do that best by talking openly and being there for one another. That is all. πŸ™‚ ❀ (And of course, that’s not to say that asking for help is easy, either!! It’s incredible hard and it’s also possible. Keep reaching out til someone hears you!!!)

2. “(Greg, Ethan’s friend, speaking): ‘But the woman’s (Lisa, E’s ex) still in your head. I’ve seen you show a spark of interest in someone new a time or two, and then in a flash I can almost see the wheels in your head turning and that tape of her dumping you playing again. I think that’s what I hate her for the most, not that she left, but that she ripped your soul to shreds in the process'” — Woods, 2013, p. 35

MT (20): I think this really sets up the issues that Ethan has with love and the betrayal that happened to his mind and heart after he got injured in the war and came back not himself. Lisa was a biiiiitch. And I’m glad he clicked with Samantha and gave her a chance and they fell in love and got through the hardships together!! Such a great story arc/redemption πŸ™‚

3. “And Ethan, who’d once caught (Samantha’s) attention with his charm, good looks and football prowess, was courageous. She had no doubts about that. Even in this morning’s brief encounter, she’d realized the kind of strength it must have taken for him not only to survive his (war) injury, but to move forward, to not accept limitations. In her view, that made him someone to be admired” — Woods, 2013, p. 41

MT 18: I thought this was just something to think about and keep in my mind. :3 Which one do you think you are for having survived and have worked on thriving through your own struggles?

4. “Samantha barely contained a sigh of envy at the conviction she heard in (Boone’s, her sister’s husband) voice. Boone sounded the same way when he talked about Emily. Was she ever going to find the same sort of devotion? Would anyone ever look at her as if she were the sun, the moon and stars all rolled into one?” — Woods, 2013, p. 58

MT 20: This is a beautiful depiction of some of the writing held within this book. ❀ I wonder if Woods has ever written same sex couples? It’d be amazing if she has.

5. “(E, saying things are all in black and white) S: ‘Oh, sweetie, there is an awful lot of gray in the world. Believe me, you’ll figure that out eventually'” — Woods, 2013, p. 61

MT 20: Beautifully said. And so, so, very, very true. ❀

6. “E: ‘ Can you identify with what [kids with disabilities are] experiencing?’ S: ‘No, that doesn’t mean I can’t feel compassion for any of you'” — Woods, 2013, p. 105

MT 18/20: Empathy exists, too. ❀ ❀ ❀

7. “(I believe this is Samantha’s father telling her): ‘The time to quit anything is when you no longer feel the same passion for it. There are people who work because they know they need the money, and there are people whose very soul depends on doing the kind of work they’ve chosen'” — Woods, 2013, p. 174

 

8. “‘(S): They key to living a good life, I think, is to wind up with more good days than bad ones. And you know what? I really do believe we have some control over that'” — Woods, 2013, p. 220

MT 18: Maybe the biggest takeaway from this book with all its romances and positivities. Makes me ponder on my own set of good days and the choices I have to make in my life as well as some part of the way to get there. It skirts on the edge of finality yet there’s a form of acceptance in that. πŸ™‚ (Maybe this too inspired me to do accomplishments of the day. :))

9. “Overnight one thought had echoed again and again–that the only way to grab the future she wanted was to stay here in Sand Castle Bay and fight for it. That meant letting go of New York and everything it had once represented. She needed to wholeheartedly embrace a new plan for her life, then throw herself into it with total passion” — Woods, 2013, p. 247

MT 18: Life is a bunch of series of knowing when to stay put and fight and when to let go and dream.

10. “‘Being here will only limit you as much as you allow it to'” — Woods, 2013, p. 251

11. “(Samantha’s father): ‘Let it be a lesson to you, Samantha. Life is short. I always thought there’d be time to do the things your mother wanted to do some time down the road. There wasn’t'” — Woods, 2013, p. 266

MT 18: I don’t know if the previous two books touched on how their Mom passed away but this quote is morbid and all too real. ❀

12. “Flowers were everywhere, a mix of white roses and blue hydrangeas. Small arrangements of the same flowers served as center pieces, set on periwinkle-blue tablecloths. Candles were ready to be lit as soon as dusk fell. Twinkling white lights in the shrubbery and trees would add a fairy tale element as guests danced under the stars” — Woods, 2013, p. 271

13. “(S) ‘You aren’t the same man, though. You’re a thousand times better. You’re courageous and brave. You’ve overcome a serious injury that could have destroyed you.’ E: ‘I haven’t overcome anything that thousands of other soldiers haven’t had to face.’ S: ‘And you’re all heroes, Ethan. You’re worth more than a hundred self involved, shallow women like Lisa'” — Woods, 2013, p. 279

MT 20: This makes me wonder how many mental health warriors there are out in the world and it reminds me that I’m not alone. Also, it’s important to think about what sets you apart from everyone else who has gone through similar circumstances. This can be a fun thing to play around with in terms of identity, passion and inspiration. πŸ™‚ ❀

14.Β  “Now all Cora Jane could do was sit back and pray that Samantha would find her way through the pain she was experiencing right this second and focus on the bright possibilities ahead” — Woods, 2013, p. 343

MT 18: This quote really stood out with me and resonates as something those around me likely feel. I’m starting to grow a view of the future beyond May or June. πŸ™‚

15. “Samantha had to think about this, determine how badly she wanted it. Was it enough to fight for it? Samantha: ‘I don’t know if I want to go forward.’ This whole incident had shaken her more than she’d realized. Sophia: ‘Of course you’re going forward. Backward is never a good option in life'” — Woods, 2013, p. 350

MT 18: A plight in my recovery that is timeless. ❀

Even in 2020. ❀


For A Moment to Fangirl over Sherryl Woods’ creations:

I love Sherryl Woods since this book, although I’ll be the first to admit, I don’t think I’ve successfully managed to read another one of her novels since then (I stopped reading for a while; unrelated) but I’ve taken out her books and bought others relentlessly since. I just love her positivity, her descriptions, her characters, her tone, her meaningful prose, her life changing reads (even if it was only the one so far). I just love HER. She’s an excellent author in a genre I don’t normally read very much at all. And she gave my life the calm and ability to think of the future possibilities ahead of me during a time where I was struggling to get through the next hour. So, for that, I owe her writing so much of what I’ve accomplished today. She may never know how deeply affected my stumbling upon her work in a psychiatric hospitalization was for me but it truly helped to spark change, hope and renewal within me. I felt so inspired after I read the story and could really better imagine a future for myself, if her books existed. I’m ever so grateful that that future DOES exist. ❀ I hope that this very long review helps to best depict that, too. I was drawn by the beauty of the cover and I’m so, so, so glad I was able to be. And yes, I totes stole like 5 or 6 other books from that hospital too, ahaha. I also haven’t read any of those… XD I have a bit of a book problem, if it’s not obvious yet. Thank you so much for reading. ❀ ❀ ❀ (And go check out Sherryl Woods novels!!)


Notes/Reminders/Less Significant Quotes:

    • “(Greg, Ethan’s friend, speaking): ‘But the woman’s (Lisa, E’s ex) still in your head. I’ve seen you show a spark of interest in someone new a time or two, and then in a flash I can almost see the wheels in your head turning and that tape of her dumping you playing again. I think that’s what I hate her for the most, not that she left, but that she ripped your soul to shreds in the process'” — Woods, 2013, p. 35

      MT (20): I think this really sets up the issues that Ethan has with love and the betrayal that happened to his mind and heart after he got injured in the war and came back not himself. Lisa was a biiiiitch. And I’m glad he clicked with Samantha and gave her a chance and they fell in love and got through the hardships together!! Such a great story arc/redemption πŸ™‚

    • “Even as the offer came out of his mouth, he was mentally kicking himself for making it. Spending any more time with this woman than absolutely necessary was probably emotional suicide” — Woods, 2013, p. 33

      MT (18): This is something that probably rubbed me the wrong way but luckily it didn’t cause me to give up and drop the book, rather I gave it another chance and I’m glad I did.

      MT (20): You could probably say I was bristled reading this line and it made me feel a lot of feelings because I was emotionally vulnerable at the time. Now, it’s definitely not my most FAVORITE thing, but I can shrug it off a bit better and not take it to heart as much. ❀ Yay, growth!!

    • MT 18: A quote that’s not super applicable for this review involved me just wondering in contemplation whether books were meant to be physically owned or returned? And, which of the two was the deciding factor? How do we know when a novel isn’t for us and when it could have a life altering secret to it?

      MT 20: When is it okay to quit mid-way through and can you, realistically, do so if you’ve already become invested in the characters? Could you live with not knowing how it ends?

      I don’t know these answers, honestly. It seems utterly absurd to me to not finish a book after I started to read it, no matter how terrible it is. Maybe this would be good for me to challenge in the future. :3

    • “(Greg) ‘Like I said, (Samantha) was out of my league. And I had enough issues living in the shadow of your popularity without risking rejection by one of your adoring fans'” — Woods, 2013, p. 36

      MT 18: This reminds me of Loki telling Thor in the MCU that Loki always had to live in “the shade of your greatness” and it’s a small insight of acknowledgement for my fanfic D&D, a high school AU.

      MT 20: Hehehe, sponsoring my fanfics even years ago!! But yeah, that’s definitely what it reminds me of, the quote, even today. Hehe. God, I love the MCU. ❀

    • I like to live my life with declarations of gratitude because you never know when someone is going to need to hear that confession, that support, that positivity. ❀ πŸ™‚
    • How do people/writers understand consciously such subtle clues of socializing and deeper emotional connection (that being body language)? (Depicting small movements, facial cues, emotional expressions etc.)
    • CONCEPT: good actors are supposed to be capable of engaging an audience to make them forget all about reality (Woods, 2013, p.115). MT 18: I love these characters and can really get behind their message and see through their eyes their thoughts and I wonder if I’ll ever look at actors the same way again. πŸ˜€
    • Reference to the title of this book is made on p. 122. MT 18: Shots fired!! I love how Sea Glass Island was described and the GORGEOUS photo for the cover of the book was used. It’s a way of describing that I could include in my own fanfics and stories. It’s also dawned on me at this point that my own experiences and the quotes I use to highlight these contents reflect my own thoughts and interpretations and may not necessarily be the same for someone else who comes by them because of the background of THEIR own experiences. Thought that was neat!!
    • Balance theme for juggling work, a social life, family/friends/support and hobbies and health, and chores. ❀
    • (Cora Jane to S): “‘Just keep in mind how much you love this man and how much he loves you. Do that and everything will turn out all right'” — Woods, 2013, p. 159 MT 20: This is the hope and romance every grandma could produce into the world and it’s so beautiful and true that I had to include it because reasons. ❀ ❀ ❀ Sherryl Woods’ novels are a perfect amount of hope and light when I pick out serial killer novels and nonfiction streams of words, ahaha.

    • “Maybe when someone loved deeply and lost, they never got over it. In the case of Ethan–a man with so much to offer–going through life alone would be a real tragedy” — Woods, 2013, p. 169 MT 20: A less significant quote but something I wanted to include all the same. :3
    • On page 171 I was reminded from a discussion of accommodation in relationships of a good example of love between Thor and Loki in my Severed fanfic. πŸ™‚
    • CONCEPT: This is a novel about love and happiness and at the same time it touches briefly on loss and grief yet the story is not central to it. It’s okay to have happy endings. Life is more than just the finality of death. Dare to explore and expand your world view and you’ll see brighter stars than ever before. ❀
    • Reminder that I wanted to organize my fanfics and my own dreams and ideas. πŸ™‚
    • Idea: One of the characters talks about being somebody else for a while (acting) and this made me wonder in what ways I could try that myself–writing is one way and other forms of art are too (reading especially). I wondered, too, if I could act. It’d be interesting. ❀
    • Question: How do us writers know when to keep writing and when to stop? What’s the understanding behind that? How are chapters and length of books decided? What’s the longest book out there?
    • It’s important to tell those you care about that you appreciate them and you recognize their strengths and when they’re trying their best. ❀
    • (On a behavior/viewpoint that’s outlived its usefulness) MT 18: It’s interesting how behaviors/thoughts serve us a purpose for a while and then are no longer needed or necessary.
    • CONCEPT: I used to really despise changes when I was younger but now I think that I’m a bit more flexible. Sometimes we fight changes and sometimes it’s nearly inevitable that we find ourselves capable of slouching back and relaxing into the process. Don’t fight your growth. You are worth it.
    • IDEA: I wonder how many authors and writers that have been published will accept questions or letters from readers about how they are aspiring writers and what ways they can best navigate the process. Yeah… πŸ™‚
    • Related Reminder: I could totally write a book and I really look forward to really setting aside time to work on this goal of mine. I really, really should soon. ❀ I have better ideas as to what they’d be about now, in 2020. πŸ™‚

Original days worked on this review (handwritten notes):

2/15/2018, 2/16, 2/17/18.

Days typing this post:

4/2/2020, 4/3, 4/5, 4/6


Ending note:

Hi again. I hope that this post was interesting, you found some inspiration from it, you read it because it took me forever and a lot of re-formatting to figure out again and that it’s something you can come back to in the future. πŸ™‚ I have TONS of old book reviews and now film reviews to upload for you guys. My next two posts involve: revisiting recovery and music with 3 new songs and a coming out blog post. After this, I will work on some other old reviews and hopefully by next week I’ll have a new book read from this year under my belt. πŸ™‚ Thank you so much!!! I’m off to eat and shower and write, hopefully, some fanfic. πŸ™‚ ❀  ❀ ❀ xxx

PS If there’s any glaring typos or misspellings, let me know! I don’t have the heart to fully scan through this post lmao

SADIA1: This Is War

Song a day THUMB


Chosen Song:

“Darkness” (Explicit) by Eminem


Trigger Warnings & Themes:

Murder suicide, mass shootings, gun violence, substance use, trauma, Las Vegas (2017) shooting, “schizo” remark.

War on gun violence, politics, regulations, gun laws, ongoing news coverage, America’s issues at the forefront, double meanings, swearing, rap, mental health, risks and vulnerabilities, stigma.


Video:


Β  Chosen Lyrics:

“I don’t wanna be alone in the darkness anymore
(Hello darkness, my old friend)

Here I am, alone again
Can’t get out of this hole I’m in
It’s like the walls are closin’ in
You can’t help me, no one can

…Feels like I’m loathing in Las Vegas
Haven’t got the vaguest why I’m so lost
But I’d make you this small wager
If I bet you I’ll be in tomorrow’s paper
Who would the odds favor?

….Round after round after round, I’m gettin’ loaded
That’s a lot of shots, huh? (Double entendre)

And I don’t wanna be alone in the darkness
I don’t wanna be alone in the darkness
I don’t wanna be alone in the darkness anymore

…I don’t hear no sound, I should get ready for the show now
Wait is this the whole crowd? I thought this shit was sold out

Then something told me relax and just hope for the show to be packed
Don’t wanna hit the stage before they fill each row to the max
‘Cause that’d be totally wack, you can’t murder a show nobody’s at
But what if nobody shows?

…Plan is a go to wreck shit, cameras in all directions
The press is ’bout to go apeshit, bananas on all the networks

Fuck the media, I’m goin’ all out, this is war

…Leanin’ out the window, going Kaiser Soze
Finger on the trigger, but I’m a licensed *owner
With no prior convictions, so law says sky’s the limit
So my supplies infinite, strapped like I’m a soldier
Got ’em hopping over walls and climbing fences
Some of ’em John Travolta, stayin’ alive by inches
(Hello darkness, my old friend)
Cops are knockin’, oh, fuck, thought I blocked the entrance
Guess show time is over, no suicide note
Just a note for target distance
But if you’d like to know the reason why I did this
You’ll never find a motive, truth is I have no idea
I am just as stumped, no signs of mental illness
Just tryin’ to show ya the reason why we’re so fucked
‘Cause by the time it’s over, won’t make the slightest difference

…The attacker opening fire outside the church during a morning worship session
He unloaded the chaotic and terror, making his way inside
This, a deadly shooting at a food festival in Northern California
Three people, so far, dead


My Interpretations:

So, I wanted to do this blog post since I first heard the song when it came out. It seemed really important to me to collect my thoughts about it, although I have to admit, this post has taken a long time to write–a long time to “get right”–as I started back in February, muddled through in March and am now publishing in April, phew!

The procrastination has been high for this game because I wanted the result to be as perfect as possible but as we all know: perfection doesn’t exist. So out of all my projects, I want this one to launch first, just to get it out there and out of the way. That way I can be free to work on my other blog post projects, ASAP. πŸ™‚

With that said, onto my discussion of this song!

When I first watched this music video and listened to the song, I, too, thought it was about Em himself, the double entendres being cleverly veiled until I got through the middle to end portion of the song when the truth is revealed. I think it’s really unique to do a song from both a killer’s perspective (all respect to the victims of course, kinda like “I don’t like Monday’s” comes to mind) and a perspective that leads the listener on to think one thing when meaning a whole other thing instead.

I was concerned that Em had relapsed in his substance use recovery but when the truth was revealed, I felt pretty floored.

Okay, we’re gonna get a little political and talk about the sensitive subject of mass shootings.

Personally, this video was the first time I ever heard about the Las Vegas shooting in 2017, I believe because I also happened to be in the hospital during that time frame. So this was all new to my eyes and ears. I don’t think we necessarily need stricter gun laws (although, I’ll take that too considering my next point) but a complete ban on weapons. At least, a ban on these more dangerous weapons like the assault rifles and automatic bullet spitting ones. I don’t think the whole “Oh it’s our second amendment right” really makes all that much sense because guns aren’t going into the right hands, general society is not a militia and even if we tried to make a better understanding for what is involved in “right hands” vs “wrong hands” it may not even stop future crimes from occurring.

And of course, as a mental health related blog and advocate, we have to consider the fact, the very real fact, that more gun deaths are involved in suicide than they even are in homicide. And that blaming mental health conditions for acts of violence perpetuated by people not in the right frame of mind (a homicidal frame of mind, more so) is dangerous, stigmatizing, perpetuates narratives that us “crazy” people are dangers to those around us (rather than more often just being one to ourselves–and the fact that we as, mental health clients, are MORE likely than the general public to be a VICTIM of these crimes than the perpetrators themselves, which is a fact almost always overlooked) and that we’re someone or something to be feared, prodded and ostracized.

I am eternally grateful (as odd as that is!!) that this choice of depicting a mass shooting was done with a perpetrator NOT living with any diagnosable mental health condition, so we are able to luckily get passed that trope. I think there would have been drastic consequences if it was done on any other shooting that is almost immediately swept together with the “crazy” narrative as per the sensational media.

Additionally, I feel that while it makes sense that other brain disorders like anti-social and narcissism fall under diseases of the mind, I am still woefully bitter that we, survivors of those people, are lumped together in the same category when we, again, are least likely to cause similar or further irreparable harm towards others “just because” it was done on us. And, it can’t be dismissed, at the same time, that SOME people do. Some people who are abused go on to abuse others. Yet not everyone does. Science is still trying to discover and probably will be trying to discover why and how this happens for decades more. Like, I get why because they’re both dealt with by the BRAIN, and I still hate it. Ugh.

Secondly, I think the media plays a big role in romanticizing and glamorizing these types of mass shootings. Maybe some of it is the terminology itself, but saying “largest mass shooting since…” etc. and putting up the photographs of the shooter’s just heightens this sense of romanticism about creating these types of scenarios for copycat murderers or political agendas in the future. And I think the media has to take some responsibility for that, it just probably never will. πŸ˜›

Personally, I’m quite the Master Avoider so when these types of violent crimes occur, I bury my head in the sand and pretend like it’s not happening, not until at least a year or two later where I can learn about it and hoard videos on it, etc. It’s, for now, how I am. :/ Which explains why I never heard of the Las Vegas one. </3

Back to the song itself, it’s obviously dark and I think a lot of people who first watched or listened to it wondered why THIS shooting. Why focus in on THIS one? Honestly, I don’t know. But again, I feel the fact that’s it’s not about a “mentally ill” person “snapping” because the shooter had no signs of any condition, and that time would tell what motives or lack of motives were involved, that it had to be a concert since Em plays in concerts himself, that he’d (and others) had to have crafted the words the right way, get the music together, shoot (no pun intended) the music video, set up that website….All of this takes a lot of time and communication, jobs, work and circulation of intentions. So, that’s why I think it took so long or came out so “late” in the game.

Also, when it says “licensed *owner” I always heard that as “licensed DONOR” like an organ donor. I was surprised to find that it WASN’T that. :O

I also think that last line within the song portion itself (before all the news reports) is so hauntingly true as well: that once that shooting is over, it doesn’t make any difference, we still have the same old arguments going around and around, the laws don’t change, the politicians are too slow or unwilling, people’s minds are set in stone instead of being more malleable and we open the doors to another attack happening all over again.

And like in his music video:

When will it stop? When enough people care.

It’s so true. We’re gonna need more marches, more strong and powerful voices, more campaigns, more awareness, more laws, more steps (hopefully) to close amounts of elimination of guns entirely (at least in civilian hands, let’s not get started on the whole police officer’s issues) and well, more.

Unfortunately, I think we’ll be waiting a long, long time. The stance that the world is becoming afraid to visit America because of our out of whack gun violence, is eerie and daunting. And horrifying.

Maybe one day, with one less bloody bullet, we’ll be okay.

 


Thank you so much for reading!! xxx ❀ ❀ ❀ Stay safe from covid-19, peeps!!