From partner, to ex.
From friend, to enemy.
From hating my job, to loving my next one.
From active, to inactive.
From free, to held tight. Closed off. Separate. In search of perfection. (Perfection doesn’t exist.) Perfection, the chase of it–the fall, the hurdle, the jump, it all leads back to that: a world growing smaller. And smaller. And smaller. Until you snap or there’s nothing left. And still, still it’ll take. Take. Take. No matter how much you give it back. It just takes.
From present, to absent.
From well, to unwell, to well again.
The world rightens itself. The job takes time. But it does straighten. It does fix itself. There’s work that goes into it, of course, yes, and still, this life, these circumstances, they are imperfect. They are temporary. They do not last forever.
Mortality. An uncomfortable subject among most. Feared of, given power to. Comes with an expiration date. Life is terminal. Got that from a quote I saw the other day. Mortality… this existential awareness, that life will be and life will cease. We just don’t know when or why or how. It’s scary. Justifiably so. And yet, it shall come. One way or another. It shall come. So maybe being aware of our fear, of being aware of our circumstances and for taking this day, this moment, in the sea of trillions of moments we will experience, maybe that is all that matters. Maybe that is all that cares at the end of the day. At the start of the day. Maybe it’s that. Always, always that.
From unintentional, to intentional.
From loss, to growth.
From wondering, to wandering.
From writing less, to writing.
There exist gaps here. Gaps in life, gaps in wonder, gaps in the street, in the pitfalls from one foot to the next. In the way the breeze carries through the air. In the way that a seed forms a true plant. In the way a dog barks, half a bark, before fully committing to another breath of air. Hackles raised, shackles upon their wrists. In the way the train tracks are uneasy. The way thunder claps following lightning. The way the rain patters upon spiderwebs, just trying to make it, trying to exist, trying to live.
Aren’t we all just trying to live?
There are gaps here. From writing much and writing long and writing enough, to silence.
Quiet, quiet silence.
…The Void, if you will.
But maybe where there was once space, then emptiness, maybe there can be space again.
It begins with this moment. One moment. One choice. One change. To pick up the pen, to scatter words onto a keyboard, fingers steady, music blaring, the mood set in, fitting even.
To update. To share. To encourage. To love. To bring hope. To provide light. To explore. To connect. To be not alone. To be whole.
Maybe… maybe not always in all the right places.
But I think I’m finding it… This gap. This bridge.
How do I get from here to there? I’ve often wondered. How do I change the story that I’m writing? Because I enjoyed it once. I loved it once. I was it once. And now… over the years, when I got stable, it vanished.
And I’d like it back. I want it back. I want that for myself, and I want that for my Readers. My friends. My chosen ones.
So I write. I plug in the headphones, I play the song, I count the words as they scrawl past. And I begin.
I begin.
I choose to begin.
Because only with experience, with action, with consideration, with doing does the gap grow smaller. Or, if not fully smaller, than the perception of it grows smaller. And that, that I can tolerate.
That I can live with.
So I begin.
I try.
I move forwards.
From ex, to being enough just for me. For growing into who I can become. For planting my seeds and nurturing my own recovery.
From enemy, to just not in contact with right now. Yet hopeful that in the future, this, too, can change. If I want it, if they want it, it can change.
From loving my job, to excelling at my job. Growing, putting in time and dedication and making a steady and uplifting paycheck.
From inactive, to I’m here again. I’m back. It’s me. Welcome aboard.
From tightly held, to loosening the grip. Because maybe not everything has to be held onto so tightly. Maybe freedom is also in the letting go.
From absent, to welcome back. To showing up. To rebuilding. To regrowth. To reshaping the path ahead.
From well, to well, to well. And some sprinkles of unwell here and there. Because only with the darkest of nights can be truly appreciate and be grateful for the brightest of days.
So I write.
And I write.
And I commit to writing. Because I commit to life and the dreams I have yet to make happen and the accomplishments I have yet (and presently can celebrate) to swim in. I commit. Because it’s my life. And I have that choice. I have that responsibility for what I do with it.
And I want to make something big.
I hope, I do, that maybe one day you can too.
Until then, my Readers.
Welcome back to RecoverytoWellness.
And truly: Where survivors radiate badassery.
— 💚💚💚 Raquel
Written: 3.30.2022
Music: “Dynasty” by MIIA
Estimated time length to write, edit and publish: <45 mins.
Information regarding my socials:
I’m most active now on Instagram (recoverytowellness), Youtube (I go live on there 2-3 times a month now; RecoverytoWellness), Discord (still super new to this but email me or comment if you’d like to join me there or eventually hop on the RecoverytoWellness server I’ll make there!! A hub for in between Youtube videos, lives, fun stuff and books related things (like book clubs and book content on my socials)), WordPress here of course, if you’d like to see some of my designs on Canva annnnnd I think that’s it. OH! My fan fiction stories can be found on FFN (Unmasked Potential) and AO3 (UnmaskedPotential) in case you’re looking for some creative writing Loki centered Avengers fanfic stories!!!
I’m getting closer and closer to deciding to just delete my Twitter account. More on that in the future and the reasoning and settling upon that, I think.
But yes, check me out wherever you feel the most comfortable!! Much more to come on here soon. Wishing you all a blessed week and good rest of your day. Sending light and love. xxx Thank youuuu
RecoverytoWellness 