A Small Collection of My Thoughts on “Thor: Love and Thunder” (2022) [[SPOILERS]]

Hi, hi!!!

Raquel here.

So, I don’t want to do an ENTIRE MCU Review post, buuuuuut I do want to add my collection of thoughts in a short (?) list based on what I felt in the theaters from this movie (spoilers, duh), what I thought during it (from what I can remember, at least the most significant parts) and the post-movie watching experience as well as what I’ve taken away from it (and a healing that I feel in my soul 💚💙💛). So, here we go!

PS: Future posts will include, a Thor (2011) film review; a fiction novel BES review; more breakup related posts; some older posts, maybe original works and things linking back to some of my other posts online etc.

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My Experiences With “Thor: Love and Thunder” (2022)

• So I didn’t realize, and I don’t know if this is a new consistency as I’m like hundreds of movies and shows late on the current MCU Phases, but if this movie is anything to go by, I’m pretty certain I’ll be crying in most other future movies so I may as well just be prepared and bring a box of tissues with me each time. There was SO MUCH emotion in this film. More than I realized. I didn’t expect Jane to have cancer or for me to feel as much for her as I did (I was never really super into Thor/Jane as a romantic relationship, personally; though when I rewatched Thor (2011), it was nice and it was cute and it was obviously important in the lead-up and exploration and explanation of THIS current movie). I definitely didn’t really expect her to die, either. So that was very sad. Cue the sadness and the many tears and snot.
• As I’m going through my first real romantic breakup right now, I cannot express HOW MUCH I needed to hear and see and feel the effects that LOVE is, and can be, enough and SO WORTHY of exploring, expanding on, feeling and experiencing. It feels like with my latest saga in the romance business that shattered my world and crumbled everything around me, at least that’s what it felt like in the moment, I felt more sworn off from love and loving and growing a life with someone else. But, from this film, maybe it’s not worth keeping someone away at arm’s length. Maybe love, when it’s the right love, when it’s the healthy love, when it’s a growing love, it can provide so much more than just pain. But, truly: love. It can provide meaning. It can provide safety. It can provide a home. And I want that. I do. I don’t know how or with who I’ll get it, but I want it and I’m getting ready for that plunge. Not tomorrow, not even necessarily today, but I do want that. Someone beside me to watch more MCU movies with (even some DC ones coming out in the next year look super interesting to me!!) and grow memories with and build a life with is something very, very appealing and resounding and helpful. Once again, Marvel has provided me a peace and an understanding and an inspiration and a motivation. I’ve been missing that a lot. More than I think I ever realized. I’m so honored and glad to have seen this movie. Truly. Impactful doesn’t even come close to describing it all.
• There were definitely some parts of the movie, particularly with the comedic route, that I thought felt forced. A grim smile. But I also laughed a few times, too! Particularly the eating the children bit, haha. And a few other instances, too. Though they’ve become spider webs in my mind. I can’t entirely access them, but I know they were there.
• The cinematic storytelling, with all the artistic visuals and such, was beyond amazing and mesmerizing. The dolphins in the sky, beautiful. The touch of darkness and monochrome when they all landed on the edge of darkness place? Incredible. It honestly makes me feel so inspired creatively and I really, really want to learn more on how to video edit and craft something as beautiful and magical as this film extends from. I loved, especially, the tree like branching of power when Thor temporarily gave the Asgardian children some of his power to fight with him. Beautiful. But yeah, overall, learning more of how to tell a story through video making and film making is something I really want to research, learn and teach myself. Even if it’s “just” for Youtube!
• For the end credits, I honestly dread the whole Hercules bit. Like, I get it, but also, could we not? I hate a set up of exploring something like that in the future, when clearly Zeus was in the wrong to not help Thor and the gang out to saving all the future god’s lives. It just feels like these wars and hunts and battles are never ending. Which, I mean, I GUESS it reflects life pretty well, but could we not for like a little while? Something mundane and simple and easy would be great, for even just a little while. Just some momentary reprieve.
• I’m also not totally in love with the daughter of the god butcher (did she have a name that was presented? I already forget, plus I don’t even remember the god butcher’s name) now being a family figure in Thor’s life (I mean, I guess it makes sense, progression and family life and all that jazz) and her representing Love (though, I appreciate that the Love in this instance and the title for this movie didn’t represent Jane but rather the girl, that’s a nice touch) but I’ll have to wait and see more, I guess. It makes sense, I get it, it did just continue to feel a bit forced and… tough to further explore and represent. But maybe it’ll be good. I’ll have to wait and see.
• I loved Thor’s back tattoo of RIP Loki hahhaha (I’d be lying if I wasn’t wishing for even the slightest little cameo, though all of Loki’s deaths were hard to see again 😭 But also a little comedic with how many times he died, not gonna lie heeee)
• I do think, to touch on the topic once more, that Jane’s story arc in this film was really special. Her being afflicted with a life ending illness, such a human trait, to be real, and still choosing even when presented with the choice to not fight in the last battle, still choosing to do so and have her life taken, it was breathtaking and sooooo, so emotional. It was harder to not feel for that decision than anything else. I think it’s still pretty tragic she went out that way, but her words to Thor in his lap (which now that I think of it, has happened more than once with other figures, Loki I’m looking at you) were so wondrous. To continue to love again, to “open your heart to love”. Damn. Amazing.
• Another thing I really got out of this movie was that whole “you’re not promised tomorrow, so make the most out of today.” That really, really struck me. I’m phenomenally well known for the fact that I waste my time exponentially so. I’m constantly distracting myself and wasting my time, hours of it, on Youtube, ingesting other people’s content and living vicariously THROUGH THEM. Or, if I’m not doing that, as of late, I’ve been working. And then when I’m not also doing that, then I’m oversleeping. It’s all I’ve been doing lately, getting NOTHING done, I might add: Sleeping, working, wasting time on Youtube. It’d be different if I were doing something more constructive, even just watching a movie to watch a movie (not worrying about a review or at least making some constraints where I decide this movie I will review, this movie I’ll just watch to watch for FUN), or working on some review posts or blogging or READING a book or writing some of my own fan fiction or listening to some videos about things I want to pursue and have hobbies in (so make some learning out of it) and then yes, sometimes little by little have times where I just watch to waste time or veg out. I think, what I’m getting at, is INTENTION MATTERS.
• For the music this made me think of for the above bullet point: See the video at the very end of this post. Note: “This Time” by Mandy Harvey 🖤🖤🖤
• I don’t know what tomorrow holds, just as you don’t. Anything could happen, anything could be taken away. So I want to live my life with MORE intention. I want to live my life with more of my goals in mind. Making the most out of what I have here in the given moment. BEING PRESENT in that moment. Maybe it’s enough to be mindful for a while. Maybe it’s enough to exist in the present and pleasingly do so. Not having to rush to the past point or the next future point. Just here. Just now. That’s something I got out of this film, something practical. More intention. More goals, more dreams, more life. Uncovering what that means for me.
• And will it be easy? NO. It won’t, at all. I’ll have days where I accomplish it and others where I don’t. But maybe trying makes all the difference. Trying to change, trying to transform, trying to practice something else. And if it doesn’t work out, then I can just go back to what I’ve been doing. But, I’ve also been doing this for years and it’s not very fulfilling. I can’t probably go cold turkey, but I can start. Imperfect action over perfection, every time. So, here’s to the beginning.

And honestly, there’s probably a lot more that I could say. BUT I think this is where I’ll end things. Because I want to just go watch some Youtube mindlessly and eat my fried dough from the movie theater haha. But I’ve worked. I actually read some of my fic novel SYET today which is such an accomplishment!! And I’ve re-edited a video and uploaded it. And I wrote and published this post. So, that matters. PLUS I saw a movie today.

And actually, in the timeline of life, I watched “Fantastic Four” (2015) yesterday and I actually really loved it! So, more to come in the future. LOTS more.

And maybe you’ll be here for the ride. Or maybe this is where you step off. Either way, I hope and wish you all the best. Thanks for being here. Until the future, or maybe Valhalla.

Sending love and light. xx

💜💜💙💙💚💚🌞🌈☔🌠

PPS I love that we got some LGBTQ+ representation through Valkyrie and Korg. That was nice and unexpected!!! Loved that.

Sometimes Goodbye is the Most Liberating Part

As someone living with OCD and BPD, saying goodbye and letting go of things is really, really difficult.

But luckily I have amazing music by my side. I’ll be sprinkling that in throughout this post.

This post is also for me, more than for the Reader, but I’ll include some things that have helped me as I navigate this new road, a side street I didn’t realize I’d ever be taking, in my recovery and in my life. It’s too important not to talk about. And I’m tired of being silenced. I have a voice. And that matters.

No more walking on eggshells.

Sometimes goodbye is a second chance.

Featured song no. 1: “Second Chance” by Shinedown

This song popped into my mind when I readjusted the title for like the third time for this post. I was thinking of the “Sometimes Goodbye is…” and while I finished it differently, I had that lyric pop into my head and it took a moment to recognize what it was from (and honestly, Google did the rest) but yeah. It was helpful. For me, in this moment of my life, the Second Chance is not an actual second chance for how hurt I feel and why I feel that way. It’s more like, saying goodbye is a second chance…. Wait, that is the lyric right? Ooops. I guess, saying goodbye and putting something to rest is a second chance to just move forwards. I now know things I could have gone my life without knowing but it happened, it’s here. And now: what am I going to do about it? How am I going to curb my reaction to it and how am I going to heal and overcome this? I will also include some close hitting images of quotes I found online.

Honestly, finding other articles and blog posts and things (forums) where people have spoken about the hard things they’ve gone through (particularly with breakups, I’ll give you that) has really, really, really liberated me, validated me and made me feel seen. No one has the perfect recollection or experience similar to mine but maybe I just haven’t found it yet (instead of meaning no one out there has experienced it). And maybe I will one day. Or maybe I won’t. Maybe by that future date, it won’t even matter so much for me to have it or not. Not needing anything more than a goodbye–that’s liberating. It’s freedom. It’s peace. Is it always? Absolutely not. It won’t be. It’s painful. And life is that duality: life is beautiful and life is terrible. Even just finding this old thumb of mine, that I don’t remember making in ways, speaks to that side of me and speaks to the reality of the situation:

 

“After a breakup realize that you had a life BEFORE them and you can still have a life AFTER them. You just have to find yourself again” — Sonya Parker

 

A lot of what I’ve read on articles about breakups and forums and such talk about that: that the breakup happened, it’s there, it’s painful, it hurts, AND it’s the BEST time for you to grow, better yourself, overcome your faults and flaws (or at least have it be a work in progress), take the time to focus on you, practice self-care, put your needs first, give yourself self-compassion and self-forgiveness and self-love. You get the drift.

Another song:

No. 2 song selection (a true bop): “I Should Probably Go to Bed” by Dan + Shay

So, I naturally filmed a few videos today. If you haven’t seen any of mine lately, you may not know that I tested positive for COVID last week and was symptomatic. Luckily I’m doing a lot better but it was an experience for sure! I got VERY creative and was cranking out like 8 videos in one week. Ahahah I was VERY bored. So I filmed a few others today, especially surrounding what happened in my life, and three of those vids have NO CONTEXT whatsoever and are just me self-soothing to music on camera (filming myself when I’m unwell actually provides me a safe space to feel and cry and process out loud, and also, most importantly ensures my safety 100%) while poorly singing and just experiencing and letting go. So, this song popped into my head and it wasn’t in my CL;MA playlist but I added it so all is right in the world again lmao But for me, just the lyric “I should probably go to bed” and turn off my phone and just not engage is SOOOO, so accurate. It genuinely feels like a solid: I should quit while I’m ahead. I should probably be left alone. But I won’t call in the morning. I’ll say goodbye instead and move on.

There’s something nice about moving on, even when it’s really hard and doesn’t happen in NEAT little stages to check off the box each time it happens. Healing, it seems, isn’t linear. It’s a process. And I am healing. I’m back to square one, Ground Zero, but I’m healing. I have to remind myself:

It’s not March. It’s not snowing outside. I am safe. I am in control of my actions. I always have a choice. I am responsible for my own recovery. I can steer this ship safely back to shore–and also that that ship isn’t made to only be on shore, it’s meant to be out at sea, too. Which reminds me of the next song but, ultimately, I do have power here. I do have my feelings and my thoughts and my speech and being. And that is everything. I can wield (and arguably should wield) it more carefully, and I get to wield it. I get to get support for something that has wrecked me. Even if it’s a very complicated, unclear, creative and uncut way of getting support. It’s support. And creativity will be my saving grace. So although I can’t really say some things or everything, I just have to be okay with the story I do tell and be as truthful of where I am in that healing process and get help for it the best way I know how (and without dragging down or shooting out anyone else’s ship. I know that better now. It’s not worth it. I may not have intended for it, but it happened, and it’s way over my pay grade.)

Now, song 3:

Song No. 3: “Wrecked” by Imagine Dragons

I feel this song in about 40 different ways. Especially now. It’s a hard song but it holds so much beauty. So much pain. As life tends to do. I may not have lost something… yet I lost everything. At least, that’s how it felt. When everything happened in March, it was a crumbling. When everything that happened in July occurred, I genuinely felt like my world crashed down and crumbled all around me. There’s something ever so crushing about that–the world gets smaller and smaller and smaller. Until there’s nothing left. Nothing, at least, but darkness. And I don’t wish that on anyone.

I fucked up in some degrees, this is true. I don’t think, at least I’m baffled by it at the moment, that I deserved to be re-traumatized all over again and mentally placed back in Ground Zero after I had worked and put in the time and the effort to be okay. And it all got obliterated within a single moment and single action. And now it’s March to me and you can’t convince my brain otherwise–at least, I have the peripheral awareness that June DID happen and the more crises I had then happened so I really need to get to the roots of my DBT skills again. Move up appointments. Cope healthily. Cope … privately to then be able to cope publicly. There’s a lot of feelings there. A lot. Thanks, BPD. You’re great! 🥴🥴🥴

The pain definitely does come in waves. Time will heal as well. How am I supposed to move on? That’s true. My mind is a place I can’t escape your ghost, absolutely. Especially how I couldn’t fall asleep last night until 4AM and that was even AFTER I re-edited a video I panicked in deleting (and maybe shouldn’t have).

Brink of the edge: I definitely utilized the concept or metaphor or analogy this morning that it felt like I was standing on one leg on the ledge of a 300 foot tall mountain. And I was losing balance and about to tumble down the other side into the large river… but in reality it’s a 3 foot curb and I’ll panic for a moment, feel like the classic “I just almost died” and continue on with my day regardless. It’s that awkward flailing in public and then, pick up your confidence and carry on like that totally didn’t just happen. And, in some ways, it having happened… doesn’t necessarily have to mean anything else beyond that point in time. You can still move on. You can still say goodbye. You can still cope and heal and overcome. It won’t be easy, and it is possible.

I really want to cover more on this subject in a future video: Ending relationships in recovery. Particularly what helped me, how things affected me, the feelings or thoughts that came up, the articles or videos or content that helped me specifically and ways to maybe question or navigate the process through and through. Anyone interested? It’ll take a while, of course. Naturally. Okay, next song.

Song No. 4: “Flowers” by Lauren Spencer Smith

This is a new song that I’ve recently found and have completely and utterly fallen in love with. I’ve listened to it a lot and I really, really enjoy it. It transcends above my current situation but it helps so much and I love Lauren’s voice and her storytelling and what she did creating this piece and processing it out loud, too. Her official music video for it is a MUST see too. My facial recognition is awful so I didn’t even realize it was the same girl in two different relationships (I was very confused) but I have it all figured out now! I also love that final line because it’s so true: If it’s hurting you (in whatever way that might be; things can be healthy and then be unhealthy, etc.) then you should leave and go and get some help. It’s larger than you and your experience and it’s okay and important for you to understand that trauma, heal and move on and go forwards. It’s a beautiful song. I’d also really recommend her song that precedes this, “Fingers Crossed.”

“Who are you to tell me I can’t be heartbroken? Babe, you had the chance, the door for you was open. If it’s what you need to tell yourself to sleep at night, pretend I haven’t found [someone else] who treats me right” >> I love and adore the power behind this. No one deserves to tell you how you can or can’t grieve (even me!). How you can or can’t cope. And especially not if they are saying one thing and then contradict that three seconds later. Everyone processes differently. Some people write songs, some people make videos, some people express their pain, some others bottle it up. Of course there are healthy and unhealthy ways of expressing those needs. If someone is hurt, like how I’m hurt, it blinds them a bit. I’ve been blinded by the pain of my loss and thus I have done some things that were hurtful. And I messed up on that front. A good part of that was my hurt, and I think, at least right now, that I should be able to express that and get some support around that. I’m not blasting names, I’m not blasting socials. It’s carefully construed. I’ve made a new narrative that the reality doesn’t mesh with, and it’s how I chose to speak about it. Could I have done better? Absolutely. I messed up in some parts. I’ll focus now more on my own stuff. It’s just complicated and hard and I haven’t been able to find ways or advice or articles about how to navigate such a particular situation, so it’s hard to know what’s right and what’s wrong and what some people can or will or should know about it all and what is better left unsaid and who it’s and is NOT directed at as the audience involved. I’m tired of being on eggshells and being afraid. I’ll own my part and what I’ve done and find more creative ways of engaging with the material, so to speak. I can feel my pain and express my pain, I just need to find healthier ways of doing that. Focusing on what helps and talking about it and processing it is what I do. I don’t deserve or need to suffer in silence. I can be hurt and heartbroken and shifting into what I need moving forwards (think pro-recovery skills). Again, no names, no direct links. Just expression. And that will be happening in more stories of creativity (meaning original works of short stories and poems, in comments, in my fanfics etc).

“Relationships are like glass. Sometimes it’s better to leave them broken than try to hurt yourself putting it back together” — Unknown

Sometimes there is no closure. I had that with Luna, too. I had it with another friend that I fell off with. Actually, probably more than one. Sometimes certain relationships don’t have clear goodbyes. Whether it’s friends, family, strangers, online relationships, partners, viewers and readers, etc. Sometimes there’s not closure. And maybe not all closure is earned, either. Maybe it’s not even a requirement to fully process and move forwards. So, sometimes, just stop chasing it. It’s okay to not have it, too. If it hurts more than it ever did or did before or doesn’t help right now, drop it, don’t let that rip into you. Let it go. Move on. No contact. Take them out of your life. Do what you need to do to move forwards. Again, sometimes goodbye is goodbye. It can be the kindest, sweetest and most necessary thing to leave something that wasn’t healthy: say goodbye, let go and move on. You don’t owe anyone anything else. You don’t have to hear the closure. Sometimes no closure IS closure.

Sometimes you’re better off without it. Especially if it hurts.

One last song:

I lied, two more.

I lied again, one more.

Song No. 5: “Remember That Night” by Sara Kays

I’ve loved this song for ages. For a solid year or so. At least. It became something I leaned on when issues with Fai arose last Sep. It became something I leaned on when my first breakup happened. It became something so much more. I love the shared timeline and I can absolutely feel that and relate to it in a whole new level now. I listened to this all last night and it’s so true–I had made progress being 3 months no contact and then it was all obliterated–all that work, all that healing, all that more hopeful and promising emotions, the wanting again different things or to say positive things–just vanished suddenly and completely and I couldn’t do anything to get it back, to get back that healing, to not be in March in my mind all over again. It’s awful. And I am having to relearn again that it’s not March, it’s July; it’s a new setback, it’s a continued loss (or is it a fresh new loss too? Can it be both?); it’s an ending, a full on ending. It’s out of my hands. And soon, I hope, it will be out of my mind and then out of my soul. Again, this time to improve myself and work on my things will be crucial. I never got to month four and five to live my life and not think of them but I guess from this new starting point to that future date, it should help a bit.

So, that’s all the things I’m going to say tonight.

 

There is one last quote I want to share and then one article that helped:

“I had a lot of reasons to give up on you. But I still chose to stay. You had a lot of reasons to stay. But you chose to give up” — Anonymous

Obviously there are many, many, many stories to tell or explanations or experiences.

But I won’t tell them. Only my parts. Only my feelings. It’s a one sided representation but this online social media is mine and only mine. It only makes sense and is more responsible of me to only share that happenings, those goings-ons. So no more speculation. Still cautious sharing; maybe that will get easier, too. I think I am still walking on eggshells. I hate that I am. But maybe that’s only for right now.

It’s complicated. And it’s over.

(In some ways and in other ways it continues on painfully until one day it’s just a faded scar and nothing more. I crave that day soon. I know I have to put in all the work first though. Sigh. You can’t rush healing!) 

 

And now, now I think I can breathe again. With knowing that the war is over, the battle had its bloodshed, it wasn’t easy or nice or cute, but it’s over. The dawn is coming and the darkness will fade. This, too, shall pass. And there can be rebirth. Growth. Change. Health.

And maybe, that makes all the difference this time.

 

I can cope. I can heal. I can overcome. I will overcome. I will take it one step at a time.

Until another post, friends. Take care of yourselves.

Also the article, I haven’t fully finished reading it but here it is: (and some things don’t apply but I just dismiss those parts of course) Is my ex looking for a reaction from me

🖤🖤💔💔💔

PS Stay tuned for an honorable mention future post like this one again for “Unsung Hero (Smeagol’s Song)” by Tiffany Gray because that song legitimately SAVED ME so many times and I feel SO safe whenever I listen to it. 💙💜💚